Second Marriages & Hadlokas Neiros

Home Forums Bais Medrash Minhagim Second Marriages & Hadlokas Neiros

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 59 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #596678

    bbubbee
    Participant

    I would like to know what is the accepted minhag. When one gets married a second time, for the person who adds candles for each child, do you light extra candles for his kids?

    #845274

    adorable
    Participant

    i dont know about the second marriage thing but I do know that if you miss a week for some reason (my mother missed one week when she was in the hospital) you should add another one forever.

    #845275

    adorable, you only add one if you missed because of some negligence, not if the missing was unavoidable

    #845276

    What Mod-80 said. I once missed a week because I was in the hospital and the room I was supposed to light in was locked and nobody had the key. I had no other candles and after much rushing around trying to locate some, I had to give up because it got too late to light. I called a rav right after Shabbos, and he said that I did not have to add a candle.

    #845277

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    bbubbee, I can only speak for the people I know, but no they did not add for their new husband’s children.

    #845278

    adorable
    Participant

    well then why was my mother told to add another one? She was only able to turn the lights on and off that week and when she came home she was told to add another one…

    #845279

    i dont know adorable, im not a Posek obviously, if this was a reliable Rav then his Psak is reliable. On what basis he paskened as he did, you would of course have to ask him.

    #845280

    adorable
    Participant

    when it comes time for me to light then i will ask my rav… until then I’ll leave it to my father

    #845281

    that is a wise course of action

    #845282

    truth4ruth
    Participant

    I’m remarried and do not light candles for my husband’s children. Their birth mother already does. In the case of marrying a widower with young children who have no birth mother lighting, the halachos may be different.

    #845283

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Adorable,

    Is it possible your mother told the rav that she missed lighting, without offering that it was because she was in the hospital?

    A rav can only answer based on the information that he is given.

    #845284

    adorable
    Participant

    not possible!

    #845285

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    then why not ask the rav about it, as mentioned above?

    Let us know, if you don’t mind.

    #845286

    zaidy78
    Participant

    i was told, bsheym Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky zatzal, that the source for lighting one candle per child is that it used to be that after childbirth every mother was in the hospital for a minmiumum 10 days. Hence they always missed a Friday night candle lighting.

    So it would seem that a second marriage would NOT require lighting for all the children of the other spouse.

    #845287

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    i was told, bsheym Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky zatzal, that the source for lighting one candle per child is that it used to be that after childbirth every mother was in the hospital for a minmiumum 10 days. Hence they always missed a Friday night candle lighting.

    Two questions:

    1. Did R’ Ya’akov hold that if a woman missed candle lighting completely b’ones that she has to light an additional candle — even if the husband lit for her at home?

    2. Wouldn’t a minimum 10-day stay in the hospital (health workers — was that really true for routine childbirths??), shouldn’t at least some women have to light TWO additional candles (since they’d be in the hospital for two consecutive Friday nights)?

    The Wolf

    #845288

    I think women used to give birth at home and didn’t miss lighting at all.

    #845289

    oomis
    Participant

    The extra candle, I was always told, is if she missed the lighting because she forgot, and when she remembered, it was already Shabbos. The permanent additional candle ensures she will not forget again.

    #845290

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I was told, bsheym Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky zatzal, that the source for lighting one candle per child is that it used to be that after childbirth every mother was in the hospital for a minmiumum 10 days.

    A similar idea is expressed by the ??”? ???? ?????, as quoted by the ????? ??? ??????. This is, in fact brought as proof that even missing ????? obligates an extra candle. The ???? ????? doesn’t hold like this, though.

    There’s a question on this approach; why would she add another candle for missing because of childbirth since her husband lit, and they were both ?????

    I would suggest that a ???? might have developed for some, that a woman add an extra candle even if it was an ????, and even if she was otherwise ????.

    This would explain why some light extra even if not at fault for missing.

    I’ve seen another explanation for the ???? of adding a candle for each child. The ???? in ??? says ????? ??? ????? ??? ???? ?????? ????? (that the ???? of ???? helps one have children who become or marry?????? ?????), so as a ????, each time a child is born, a candle is added as a ????.

    According to either of these explanations, a woman would not light according to the number of her husband’s children.

    #845291

    adorable
    Participant

    oomis- that would make sense but not sure why my mother was told to add one then

    #845292

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    The extra candle, I was always told, is if she missed the lighting because she forgot, and when she remembered, it was already Shabbos. The permanent additional candle ensures she will not forget again.

    That’s what the ???? ????? holds.

    #845293

    Adorable, did your father light that week that she missed?

    #845294

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    oomis- that would make sense but not sure why my mother was told to add one then

    You might have missed my lengthly post, but in it, I offered two possible explanations.

    1) Some hold you even add if it was not your fault.

    2) There may be a minhag to do so even if it’s not technically a requirement.

    #845295

    adorable
    Participant

    DY- I did miss it but thank you very much

    My parents were both in the hospital and that was the best they could do. not sure what basis the rav told them to light an extra one but it happened more than once so that might be why

    #845296

    yogibooboo
    Member

    heres a question…i never posed it to a Rav because I didnt think to. But, when I was single I always lit two candles. I still continue with two. Should I have added one for my husband and light 3 instead of two?

    #845297

    Maybe the Rav felt they could have done something differently? In my case, I told him everything I went through to try to light–running down from the umpteenth floor (Friday was YT so no elevator), crossing the street to another building, climbing up another few flights to get to the room where I was told to light and finding it locked, running all over looking for a key, trying to find someone to borrow candles from, etc. etc. After he listened to my whole story, he said that my not lighting was not due to negligence so I did not have to add on another candle. I’m not c”v saying that your parents were negligent, but maybe the rav thought they should have done something differently.

    #845298

    adorable
    Participant

    or maybe this was his psak after hearing the whole story!

    #845299

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I see no reason to add one for your husband; the minhag to add is for children (see the explanations I brought in my lengthly post) and two is anyhow not to represent the man and wife, but rather, ???? ?????.

    #845300

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Daas Yochid,

    Im Al Hamelech Tov Ve’im… I usually can’t read Hebrew here, since I’m using a phone. If it isn’t so much more of a Tircha, can I ask that you try to use transliterations wherever possible?

    Anyhow, no matter what the reason for lighting an extra for each child, it is definitely not a Ner Neshama. You are not being Motza them, just like the first two are not for the husband and wife.

    #845301

    golden mom
    Member

    I was already told that if for example ur in the hospital and didn’t have candles and couldn’t get….u turn of the light wait a few and turn on and make a brocha….Oh course everybody has to ask for themselves. And about forgetting not pertaining to hospital I know pp that were told they don’t have to light extra just longer for rest Of life..m

    #845302

    yogibooboo
    Member

    thanks DY

    #845303

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    ????:

    Im Al Hamelech Tov Ve’im

    I’m sorry, I’m really bad at reading transliterations. Do you mind typing in ??????

    Thanks,

    ??? ????

    🙂

    #845304

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    HaleiVi, this is for you:

    I was told, bsheym Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky zatzal, that the source for lighting one candle per child is that it used to be that after childbirth every mother was in the hospital for a minmiumum 10 days.

    A similar idea is expressed by the Shu”t M’shaneh Halachos, as quoted by the Sh’miras Shabbos K’hilchasah. This is, in fact brought as proof that even missing b’oneis obligates an extra candle. The Mishna B’rurah doesn’t hold like this, though.

    There’s a question on this approach; why would she add another candle for missing because of childbirth since her husband lit, and they were both yotzei?

    I would suggest that a minhag might have developed for some, that a woman add an extra candle even if it was an oneis, and even if she was otherwise yotzei.

    This would explain why some light extra even if not at fault for missing.

    I’ve seen another explanation for the minhag of adding a candle for each child. The gemara in Shabbos says “haragil b’ner havin lei banim talmidei chachamim” (that the mizvah of neros helps one have children who become or marry talmidei chachamim), so as a z’chus, each time a child is born, a candle is added as a hiddur.

    According to either of these explanations, a woman would not light according to the number of her husband’s children.

    #845305

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Daas Yochid, thank you very much for that!

    By the way, I think it’s Mishne Halachos. They call it what you did, when trying to make fun. But that shouldn’t stop you from transliterating.

    #845306

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Another possible reason can be that the Gemara says that Nidda, Challa and Ner comes up at the time of childbirth. Although, at that point it is too late, perhaps it is a Z’chus that from then on she will light another. Or, it is a form of Hoda’a for making it through safely.

    However, I did hear of the missing a Lecht reason as the main one.

    #845307

    haifagirl
    Participant

    I know of someone who lit for her husband’s kids and the kids got quite angry since their mother already was lighting for them. That marriage didn’t last very long, but I can’t say whether that’s the reason. 🙂

    #845308

    adorable
    Participant

    I think that if the kids mother is lighting for them, the step-mother does not but if the mother is no longer alive then i think should would. check with your rav though as i am clearly not one! lol

    #845309

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Nobody lights for them. For whatever reason, you add one by every birth. You don’t even light for yourself.

    #845310

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Nobody lights for them. For whatever reason, you add one by every birth. You don’t even light for yourself.

    You are correct in what you mean, but the wording is a little tricky.

    The person lighting IS motzi (see – I transliterated!) her household members, so is, in fact, “lighting for them”. You are, of course, correct that the number of candles does not reflect this at all.

    #845311

    I never asked a sha’alah, however I am remarried, and I DO light for all my husbands children from his previous marriage.

    #845312

    Pac-Man
    Member

    always: Was your husband a widower?

    #845313

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I never asked a sha’alah, however I am remarried, and I DO light for all my husbands children from his previous marriage.

    Even if you asked a shaila now, you would probably be told to keep lighting them once you started.

    #845314

    m in Israel
    Member

    Generally once you light a certain number you don’t decrease that number.

    Also a person can accept upon themselves to light additional candles as well for various reasons, so if you want to light for your step children there probably is no problem doing so (obviously check with your Posek). I know the wife of a Chashuv posek who adds candles for each grandchild as Hodaah to Hashem, I don’t see why this would be different. (But I’m not so familiar with the halachos — just speaking from observation)

    #845315

    bbubbee
    Participant

    It is so interesting to see all of your thoughts. Reading this I think that the answer ( not Psak) could be “Eisha Keshayra Oseh Ritzon Baalah” If the husband – who is an Alman – wants it, why not. It does not seem to be Osur.

    #845316

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Generally once you light a certain number you don’t decrease that number.

    True. In this case there’s an additional (and more important) reason; to stop lighting those extra candles would probably be hurtful, especially since the relationship between children and their parent’s spouse can often be delicate and sensitive.

    #845317

    NO my husband was not a widower. I took this upon myself since they can use my being mispallel for them in every holy way.

    #845318

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    arwsf,

    You could have been mispallel for them without adding candles (although no harm done, I guess.)

    #845319

    Not only is there no harm being done, but how much good !? Only Hashem knows.

    #845321

    147
    Participant

    Shomor v’Zochor:- 2 sets of commandments, hence 2 Shabbos candles, period!! I don’t add Chanukah candles for kids, and likewise don’t add Shabbos candles for kids.

    If one ever forgets to light {and not for the reasons that you “adorable” state that happened in your circumstances} and does have to light an extra candle, this only continues until the following Yom Kippur inclusive. Clearly after being forgiven by haShem on Yom Kippur for having missed to light that time, your slate is cleaned, and back to the regular 2 candles.

    #845322

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    If one ever forgets to light {and not for the reasons that you “adorable” state that happened in your circumstances} and does have to light an extra candle, this only continues until the following Yom Kippur inclusive.

    Not according to the Shulchan Aruch (263-1).

    http://hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=14171&st=&pgnum=72&hilite=

    #845324

    popcorn
    Member

    Does anyone know the halacha if someone forgot to light a candle on Yom Tov (not shabbos)…does the same psak apply about adding an extra candle or does it only pertain to Shabbos Candle lighting.

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 59 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.


Trending