shidduchim- a phase or a life?

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  • #596843
    boohoo
    Participant

    and so I end with a question- do you really think all those singles out there will end up married????

    #766489

    they will all be married if they want to be married enough.

    #766490
    pumper
    Member

    I respectfully disagree with you, Mod 80.

    I know people who are dying to be married, but the right one just didn’t come along yet!

    I guess you could say that they should accept anyone who is willing to accept them, just for the sake of getting married. But that is not how most people do things. You want to marry the right one, not just any one!

    #766491
    AZ
    Participant

    Mod 80: Navi Sheker

    about the boys perhaps true about the girls false

    #766492
    Sacrilege
    Member

    Will you have a baby if you want to enough?

    Not everyone gets married. Not everyone has a baby. Not everyone has parnassa. Everyone has their own pekel.

    #766493
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    they will all be married if they want to be married enough.

    And divorced. Unless they want to stay married enough.

    In which case they’ll be miserable.

    #766494

    Mr. 80: Someone needs to moderate your comments, b/c you clearly lack brains or common sense.

    #766495
    canine
    Member

    I am in Mod 80’s boat and agree with him entirely. Unless there is not a single person of the opposite gender (within a reasonable age range) looking to get married, it IS ALWAYS possible to get married. (Barring very very exceptional circumstances i.e. a major health issue).

    And that is always the case.

    And, absolutely, a life of singlehood is immeasurably worse than a marriage to someone less than your “ideal” partner. To claim there isn’t a single qualified candidate to marry is completely preposterous.

    #766496
    mrsbrite7
    Member

    I’m sure many have heard this before, but I found tremendous chizuk

    A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and G-d appeared. He told the man He had work for him to do and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin.

    G-d explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.

    So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might.

    Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

    Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan), decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: “You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t moved.”

    Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.

    These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.

    Satan said, “Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort, and that will be good enough. That’s what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the L-rd.

    “G-d” he said, “I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter.

    What is wrong? Why am I failing?”

    G-d responded compassionately, “My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done.

    Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it.

    Your task was to push.

    And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. Is that really so?

    Look at yourself.

    Your arms are strong and muscled, Your back sinewy and brown; Your hands are callused from constant pressure, Your legs have become massive and hard.

    Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have.

    True, you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done.

    Now I, my friend, will move the rock.”

    At times, when we hear a word from G-d, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what G-d wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him.

    By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still G-d who moves mountains.

    When everything seems to go wrong…just P.U.S.H.!

    When the job gets you down… just P.U.S.H.!

    When people don’t react the way you think they should… just P.U.S.H.

    When your money is “gone” and the bills are due… just P.U.S.H!

    When people just don’t understand you… just P.U.S.H.

    P= Pray

    U= Until

    S= Something

    H= Happens

    #766497
    adorable
    Participant

    double- I am wondering which mod let your comment get by….I remember hearing from some gadol (dont remember who but you can help me out) that as long as two ppl have good middos they can get married- you have to be willing to work on yourself and your marriage.

    #766498
    Poster
    Member

    “You want to marry the right one, not just any one! “

    Not everyone marries Mr. Right. Not everyone gets married witrh stars in their eyes. I think that is what Mod 80 meant. I don’t think he meant “Lady, marry anyone as long as he wears pants.”

    #766499

    Here’s a prediction: some will get married and some won’t.

    Perhaps it would be better if people said, “Who knows what will be? Just try to be happy with your situation no matter what.”

    #766500

    mrsbrite7: thanks! that’s a great chizuk.

    #766502

    everyone who disagreed with my statement, which admittedly needs further clarification, was respectful and to the point except “double standard”.

    i think wolf should enter here and say something about ad homineminomunom attacks.

    #766503
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Unless there is not a single person of the opposite gender (within a reasonable age range) looking to get married, it IS ALWAYS possible to get married.

    Are we looking for possible, or are we looking for it to be a good idea?

    Why within a reasonably age range? A 55 year old woman can’t marry a 20 year old man? Is it not possible?

    And besides, it is not always even possible. You would need to find another nut who is willing to get married even though it is not a good idea.

    #766505
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    i think wolf should enter here and say something about ad homineminomunom attacks.

    +1

    #766506
    BSD
    Member

    mrsbrite-thanks for sharing-you made my day/week/month.:)

    #766507
    canine
    Member

    popa, I specifically explained already in my comment why it IS a very good idea.

    #766509
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Mod 80: Navi Sheker

    I know that you didn’t mean it literally with all the halachic implications, but I think you should think twice before throwing this accusation around, even in jest.

    False prophecy is a very serious sin. You wouldn’t accuse someone of idolatry in jest or adultery in jest. I believe this rises to a similar level. Just my humble opinion (for what it’s worth).

    The Wolf

    #766510
    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    mrsbrite7

    I thank you

    For the wonderful Mashel (I saved it to my hard drive), and for reminding me it is not our job to do, it is our job to try. G-d does.

    #766511
    gregaaron
    Member

    @AZ

    “Mod 80: Navi Sheker

    about the boys perhaps true about the girls false”

    First of all, he is no more of a navi sheker than you are, and at least he’s optimistic and believes that there is Someone up there who has the right one for each person, no matter what gender. I’m not good at math, and I’m certainly not good at biology, but I’m pretty sure HKBH knows them both pretty well.

    And besides, the girls are just as likely to get married as the boys are.

    #766512
    adorable
    Participant

    mrsbrite- thank you for that chizuk! you should be blessed

    #766513
    s2021
    Member

    mrsbrite I LOVE YOU! 🙂 That was great chizuk thanx!!

    #766514

    AZ-

    double standard-

    There is, however, everything wrong with your comments.

    Their personal nastiness is entirely unbecoming from a frum person.


    I wholly agree with the other posters’ comments re: “mrsbrite7″s post – tizki lemitzvos for joining just for this.

    #766516

    popa_bar_abba-

    While your point may be correct grammatically, the 2007 Eurtsti-Emsyas study clearly shows that this style is far more readable.

    P.S. – don’t bother Googling the study – I suspect you won’t find it. ?

    #766518
    Agreer
    Participant

    I love the PUSH mashal. Good metaphor!

    It’s really important not to just get married b/c you want to get married. You SHOULD feel good about getting married, not like it’s a way out of something or there’s nothing better to do. If you marry for the wrong reasons, you will either be miserable or divorced, like one of the previous posters commented. If you should happen to be single, it’s okay to be sad…sometimes…but don’t wallow in it, and don’t let that rule your life.

    I think that’s what the people who say “this will pass” mean. I don’t think they are promising anything. They are just telling you not to worry about it, b/c worrying is so draining and futile. If you’re single, you should travel and you should have fun. If you want to get married, and you’re trying, then you aren’t doing anything wrong. So don’t wallow…

    #766520
    s2021
    Member

    Why should someone who gets married for the wrong reasons be either miserable or divorced?? Almost any marriage can work as long as both parties are working to improve it. It is certainly possible to learn to be happy with someone.

    #766522
    believer
    Participant

    if someone wants to get married enought eventually they will find their pair…mayb it will take them time to learn that they wont get the dream shidduch. Yet if they look hard and want to b married enuf they will cum in contact with good people that they can have quality of life with and build a beautiful family.

    could be it wont be the ideal thing they dreamt of the first day they entered the shidduch market..Howevr it can be a quality person who wants a quality family.

    #766523
    s2021
    Member

    popa: If he has money maybe ill take him. He can send me a check, and his other wives can take care of the rest.

    And there ya go, ur bein so agreeable lately.

    Is this to make the next motzei shabb scandal even more shocking?

    #766524
    hanib
    Participant

    mrs.brite – i seventh the motion, that what you wrote was really very nice – i have never heard that mashal before.

    s2021

    And there ya go, ur bein so agreeable lately.

    Is this to make the next motzei shabb scandal even more shocking?

    LOL! 🙂

    #766525
    gregaaron
    Member

    Yes, AZ, you must be right – Hashem obviously did not create enough boys for the girls.

    Maybe I’m unfamiliar with the age gap, or maybe I just have the bitachon that Hashem has a shidduch for me and everyone else who’s still looking.

    #766526
    ilovetheholyland
    Participant

    mrsbrite7 – that is seriously from the BEST ive ever heard!!! thanx!!!

    #766527
    AZ
    Participant

    greg: Hashem most certainly DID create enough boys for the girls.

    #766528
    gregaaron
    Member

    @AZ-

    That was my point. We can crunch the age gap numbers from today until tomorrow and cry all we want, but the fact is that there ARE enough boys out there for all of the boys. Why it’s taking so long for them to find each other, only HKBH knows, but I believe 100% that He has a plan to match us all up.

    #766529
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    gregaaron: Yes, AZ, you must be right – Hashem obviously did not create enough boys for the girls.

    AZ: greg: Hashem most certainly DID create enough boys for the girls.

    Since AZ is being his terse self, I’ll try to explain.

    The age gap theory assumes (and it’s intuitively correct, and, I believe, statistically proven) that more children are born each year into frum homes than in the previous year. There will therefore be approximately 3% more 20 year olds (both male and female) than 21 year olds; 6% more 20 year olds than 22 year olds, and 9% more 20 year olds than 23 year olds.

    Although there are approximately the same number of girls as boys, there are 3% more 20 year old girls than 23 year old boys (this doesn’t factor in to the shidduch crises). There are also 3% more 20 year old boys than 23year old girls. This DOES factor in to the shidduch crises, since the older boys have generally been marrying the younger girls, leaving 9% of the girls unmarried. (AZ, you can correct me on the numbers, but I think I’m close.)

    When AZ writes “Hashem most certainly DID create enough boys for the girls”*, I think he means that it’s a man-made problem, since He never said that the boys should marry younger girls.

    As far as your bitachon, that’s wonderful for yourself, but on a communal scale, should we ignore the issue? If two girls and one boy lived on a desert island, should the girls have bitachon that they will both get married? Wouldn’t you advise one of them to leave the island? (I seem to remember AZ giving this moshol.)

    *AZ: ????? ????? ???? ???? ?. ???’ ??”? ???? ????? ????

    #766530
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    they will all be married if they want to be married enough.

    Do you literally mean “all”, and deny the age gap issue, or do you mean “any”? If the latter, I agree (at least for most).

    #766531

    i meant it in the sense of “any”

    #766532
    hanib
    Participant

    all these calculations are talking about 20 year olds who marry someone who has never been married before; but i happen to know many people who in their 20’s and/or 30’s married either a divorcee or a widower.

    i don’t know if mod.80 is correct or not; but from what i’ve seen, it seems to be true.

    #766533

    This is a depressing conversation. You have to beleive that you will end up getting married, otherwise you’ll go insane. There’s definitely someone out there for everybody- A bas kol called it out 40 before you were conceived

    #766534
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    There’s definitely someone out there for everybody- A bas kol called it out 40 before you were conceived

    Someone can turn down their “bashert” for reasons that they consider legitimate.

    I’m not advocating giving up. As Mod 80 said, if someone wants it enough, she’ll be”H find someone with good middos with whom she can build a good Jewish home.

    I think too many singles, both men and women (but more women, just because of the numbers), are waiting for someone who seems perfect (or almost perfect) and are not willing to settle for someone who is not perfectly compatible, even though with some work, they could have a successful marriage.

    I think “wants it enough” doesn’t just mean that someone desperately wants to get married; plenty of singles feel that way yet sadly remain single. I think “wants it enough” means that the person is willing to marry someone (with good middos, of course), even if the bells aren’t ringing, and work hard together to build a home.

    #766535
    boohoo
    Participant

    what many of you dont seem to realize is that many singles dont even have options. so yes, while some girls may date guy after guy and their reasons for rejecting them may sounds silly to us, there are many many singles out there who dont even get dates. and theyve tried every method out there. or many singles who date but they are the ones receiving the rejection. so while you may think they should “just choose one”, the problem is getting that “one” to agree.

    #766536
    AZ
    Participant

    D”Y: well done (without nitpicking the numbers) however this paragraph is backwards

    “Although there are approximately the same number of girls as boys, there are 3% more 20 year old girls than 23 year old boys (this doesn’t -YOU MEAN DOES- factor in to the shidduch crises). There are also 3% more 20 year old boys than 23year old girls. This DOES – YOU MEAN DOESN’T- factor in to the shidduch crises.

    whatrutalkingabt: Certainly is someone for everyone. What a shame that we are ruining it by preventing there to be equal number of boys and girls dating.

    #766537

    AZ-

    Thank you.

    #766538
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    AZ,

    Yes, my typo made it come out backwards.

    BTW, on another thread, someone suggested that BMG can help fix the problem by implementing a much longer freezer period for age gap shidduchim. Can this work, and if so, is there anything being done to this effect?

    #766539
    TweetTweet
    Participant

    Daas Yochid- BMG making a longer freezer will not do much. Even if guys would date a few months later, who says this would make them go out with older girls. If anything, what they could do is take away the freezer from guys who go out with girls their age or older, which by the way, there was talk that they were planning on doing.

    #766540
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    TweetTweet,

    That’s what I was referring to when I said “a much longer freezer period for age gap shidduchim“; the freeze would only be on close-in-age shidduchim.

    #766541
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    What is the source of the segula that a bochur marrying an older woman leads to ????? ?????

    #766542
    morah reyna
    Member

    Responding to the original title of this thread: This is the first line of a poem I wrote recently about shidduchim. The topic of shidduchim it takes over our minds…

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