Should i be called Miss/Mrs?

Home Forums Employment & Business Issues Should i be called Miss/Mrs?

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  • #607892

    hardatwork
    Member

    Hi,I hope all the readers here can help me with my dilemma. I was just offered a GREAT job. I’ve been looking for a while and as we all know, it’s not so easy to get good jobs these days. My only concern is that it is known that the office is more like a family (which has its perks) but, everyone calls each other by first names. Should I only accept the job on condition they call me Miss/Mrs. ____ instead of my first name? I don’t want to start the job off on the wrong foot with demands that they will think are unimportant. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you.

    #922439

    Men at the office should definitely not be calling or referring to you by your first name.

    #922440

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    The standard in the business world is to call people by their first name. It doesn’t connote anything weird or “family-like” about the office.

    #922441

    MCP
    Member

    Only if your first name is Miss/Mrs.

    #922442

    Yenta
    Participant

    Tell them to call you Mr.

    That should throw a twist on things.

    Do it, and let us all know how things went in the office on your first day!

    #922443

    it depends what seminary you went to & how long ago you were there

    #922444

    young men
    Member

    It think this is very important to mention right away especially with the great challenges that are at work.so now the question is how do you say it.you should work on it with someone wheter its your rov good friend. I would tell you a story my Rov told me that he was sitting on the plane and some people are more stringent than others in regards to sitting next to women.and maybe the crew didnt look at it in such a good way so my rov when over to the crew and explained it in very nice way that we have such a thing as boundaries and that keeps us good even while the world is very low and its not showing disrespect to women he said something like this and they really appreciated that someone explained it to them. my humble opinion if you explain it the right way like for example,I am really looking forward working with you and working as a team and putting in my greatest effort etc.focusing on the boss,job.and than say with an introduction the beatiful thing about having boundaries which even some goyim praise us for that like a story about a professor from kansas written in a mishpacha magazine more than a year ago,so hatzlacha on the new job.and be able to continue being on your level in yidishkeit while having a great job.

    #922445

    boredsouls
    Participant

    First of all kudos to u on actually asking that question. Most girls today don’t even realize there would be an issue with that. Its very inappropriate for you and workmates to be on a first name basis. You should definitely insist on being called by your last name. In the beginning it may be uncomfortable and you might feel stupid but u have to stand up for what’s right. And in the end everyone 1 will probably respect you for it.

    #922446

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Lady: If you’re actually considering sabotaging your job over this, you ought to ask your rav first if that makes any sense.

    And make sure he knows that it is the standard in almost every business office in America.

    #922447

    MDG
    Participant

    “And make sure he knows that it is the standard in almost every business office in America.”

    My wife works for a large corporation (over 30,000 employees) and when she refers to and has needed to communicate to a C-level officer, about 6 rungs higher than her in the corporate ladder, he is always referred to and called by first name.

    When I was in corporate America, it was the same way; everyone was referred to by first name.

    #922448

    agoodbygirl
    Participant

    First of all, even considering such a job is like placing a stumbling block in front of yourself. It is very inapropriate for a bas yisroel to be working with men. A true frum girl should find herself a teaching job and leave the money making up to Hashem.

    All the Best of luck to you!

    #922449

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    It is very inapropriate for a bas yisroel to be working with men. A true frum girl should find herself a teaching job and leave the money making up to Hashem.

    That is not the opinion of the gedolim that I rely on.

    #922450

    haifagirl
    Participant

    I worked for several men over the years, including some rabbis. All but one called me by my first name. And in that case, everyone in the office was called by Miss/Mrs. last name.

    #922451

    artchill
    Participant

    When you are boss, have the employees call you Mrs. Boss. Until then, understand that all industries use first names when communicating.

    #922452

    yaakov doe
    Participant

    Agoodbygirl raises an interesting point. I have come across many frum men and women who worked in tyhe non Jewish world without compromising their Yiddishkeit. Be sure to set an example, a kiddush Hashem at all times.

    Using first names is the norm out there in the world, and although not our way is not a halachic problem. Avoid any socializing with them outside of the office which I’ve found is understood by co workers. By your dress and use of language you will stand apart anyway.

    #922453

    MCP
    Member

    Maybe you should be learning in Kollel instead of working

    #922454

    ~Maybe you should be learning in Kollel instead of working~

    yeah that would definitely solve the tznius issue.

    #922455

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    A suggestion: maybe don’t insist on anything, but call everyone (at least the males) by their title and last name, and hope they do the same. If not, by calling them Mr., you’ve still made a statement.

    Most important is that you act in a professional way.

    Bring all possible ideas to your rov for guidance.

    #922456

    apushatayid
    Participant

    Just curious. How did you identify yourself on your resume? At your interview? Did you lose your three billy goats gruff?

    #922457

    what’s with the coffee room and the troll jokes?? i dont get it.. ive never heard someone call another person a troll before

    #922458

    GeshmakMan
    Participant

    Very simple – if you want to keep the Shtetl mihnagim, then stay home and don’t involve yourself with the “outside world” (and its higher paying jobs).

    If you want to work in the real world, then you need to “deal” with some circumstances you might not feel comfortable with or used to.

    I am not telling you to shake men’s hands or to eat treif Chas v Shalom, but being referred to by your first name is something that HAS to happen. This is not a Seminary Shabbaton where you are referred to as Miss/Mrs in front of your students.

    At my job in BH a nice sized firm, everyone knows that that we Yidden eat Kosher, leave early for Yuntif/Shabbot and do not shake the hands of the opposite gender.

    Please enlighten me as to what else we need to be makpid on?

    #922459

    CRuzer
    Member

    @justwantagoodoy, a troll is someone like you, hardatwork, agoodbygirl and boredsouls. Kinda like me, myself, I, and ani.

    #922460

    hardatwork
    Member

    Wow. That hurt. I don’t even know what a troll is, but I don’t think I am one. Why do you think its OK to just call people names with no valid reason.

    #922461

    boredsouls
    Participant

    wow u must have a pretty low self-esteem to be calling urself a troll

    #922462

    GeshmakMan
    Participant

    Please don’t call her a Troll, she prefers to be called Miss/Mrs Troll!

    #922463

    ShiraTobala
    Member

    You should be called by your first name in order to not cause a Chillul Hashem.Chas vicholila.

    #922464

    yentapesha
    Member

    This is pure onaas dvarim, mamish not impressive. Each person has there own nekudas habichira and no one can decide on another’s name.

    #922465

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    PBA is right. It is considered normal to be called by your first name at work. I would personally prefer to be called Ms. Lastname, but I don’t want to stand out.

    Instead, I usually insist on being called by my full first name by anyone who isn’t a family member.

    #922466

    CRuzer
    Member

    For sure, bored. I was obviously referring to myself. *rolls eyes*

    @hardatwork, I thought it was interesting that you appeared at the same exact time as justwantagooeytoy and seem to enjoy discussing the same ridiculous things. My judgement may have been premature. We shall see.

    #922467

    apushatayid
    Participant

    So, how did you identify yourself on your resume. At the interview? Surely this is not the 1st time you are meeting with a representative of the company.

    #922468

    @cruzer:

    “@hardatwork, I thought it was interesting that you appeared at the same exact time as justwantagooeytoy”

    excuse me but i DO NOT want a gooey toy, i want a good OY!! big difference!!

    who are you to judge what topics are ridiculous?? these are serious matters.

    #922469

    and ouch for calling me a troll!!! yet again!!

    #922470

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Some users profiles are interesting. For example:

    1)hardatwork

    Member Since

    January 21, 2013 (1 day)

    2)justwantagoodoy

    Member Since

    January 21, 2013 (1 day)

    Location

    Doesn’t like being called a troll.

    Occupation

    the big bad wolf should ask mechila

    3)young men (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/profile/young-men)

    Member Since

    January 21, 2013 (1 day)

    Location

    cleveland

    Occupation

    learning part time

    Interests

    many

    4)boredsouls

    Member Since

    January 21, 2013 (1 day)

    5)agoodbygirl

    Member Since

    January 21, 2013 (21 hours)

    6)ShiraTobala

    Member Since

    January 22, 2013 (12 hours)

    7)yentapesha

    Member Since

    January 22, 2013 (2 hours)

    That’s seven usernames created within the last day or so, all on this thread, and sharing a bunch of other threads as well.

    I wonder if by any chance they know each other.

    #922471

    hardatwork
    Member

    @cruzer, I think you should find a new profession other then investigating. Not such a good fit for you.

    @apushtayid, I had my name on top just plain, at the interview it really didn’t come up. I mean the interviewee introduced himself but that was all. I didn’t see this issue at the interview.

    #922472

    yentapesha
    Member

    One that mocks someone else is really mocking that middah he himself posseses. What a pity to show your true colors when in reality you couldve helped and brought tremendous awareness of such a special, important mitzvah. Chaval on what was done and in the future i am confident that you will not breach it.

    #922473

    hardatwork
    Member

    @CRabuzer, What with you? You seem to enjoy calling people names. For ex. at least 4 people trolls, then you called justwantagoodoy, justwantagooeytoy. So not cool.

    #922474

    CRuzer
    Member

    sigh…

    #922475

    oomis
    Participant

    I am not reading through the responses yet. I want you simply to ask yourself how important this job is to you. If you really want it, then PLEASE be a team player and be called by your first name. There was NO such thing as last names centuries ago, when we were more formal, and no one seemed to be concerned that it was a problem. If you insist on the formality that some people might advise you to do, claiming halachic or tzniusdig issues, (wrongly, in my humble opinion), then you will alienate everyone in your office and create an atmosphere of “I’m better than you are.” You will never comfortably hold on to a job with that type of a perceived attitude, people don’t like to feel you hold yourself higher.

    If this were a more formal office, then you would be correct to expect the additional respect of being called Miss/Mrs. Whatever. But that is not the case in this office or in MOST offices today, so stop worrying so much about it, be called Sora, Rivka,Rochel, Leah, or whatever your name is, in the spirit in which EVERYONE is referred to by their given names, or do not take the job if it will bother you so much.

    To be candid, most jobs will expect you to be a little more easygoing in this matter, so don’t be put off by that. Don’t compromise halachic issues in the office, like kashrus (when everyone is going out to the local deli or bar after work), or tznius issues (keep the men at a clear boundary), but your name is not one of those issues, unless someone is referring to you as “Honey” or “Sweetheart,” in which case you could gently say, My name is “Ploni.”

    #922476

    but her name isnt ploni

    #922477

    CRuzer- whats with the sigh?? atleast give us a good OOYYYY!!!

    #922478

    One solution that nobody has mentioned yet is choosing a work name. It is easier if you have a distinctly Jewish name and will be working with non-Jews but even if the company is frum and the clientele is all frum, your boss should have no objections if you either a. choose a nickname that you don’t go by, and without explanation, tell him that’s what you’d like to go by at the office, or b. tell him that you are uncomfortable going by your first name, but don’t want to make waves, and would like to choose a different name for work.

    #922479

    boredsouls
    Participant

    hey cruzer r u by any chance the wolf? u guys have the same attitude!

    #922480

    golfer
    Participant

    Oomis, good choice not reading throught the responses. I can summarize for you- mostly the usual CR stuff about Trolls, Trolling, and who may or may not possibly be a troll.

    Since you do seem to wish to respond to the OP, I wanted to comment on something you mentioned: “There was NO such thing as last names centuries ago.”

    You are right about that. What you surely realize as well is that centuries ago, and even decades ago, it was not common for Jewish women to work in offices and businesses where there was a great deal of interaction with members of the opposite sex. Jewish women stayed home and took care of their home and hearth, as did most women. Before World War I it was not common to find women working, unless they were domestics, midwives, or teachers.

    It can be problematic to try to extrapolate from what was common centuries ago to solve problems we face in the 21st century. That’s why it’s always good to find a Rav (or Rebbitzen if you prefer) to talk things over with when important decisions need to be made.

    #922481

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Veltz M has a good suggestion. You should do that.

    #922482

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Hm…I think CRuzer and DaasYochid are right about the troll…

    #922483

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I didn’t say anything about a troll 😉

    #922484

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Well, CRuzer was right about the troll, and you are right about the rest of its user names, then…

    #922485

    daas yochid: good detective work, unfortunately i dont have that many friends, could just be i started an interesting thread yesterday and some bored ppl at work wanted to join the fun!

    #922486

    hardatwork
    Member

    Well I thought the coffee room was a nice welcoming place…I guess not. You create an account, try to ask things and get called names such as a troll…

    #922487

    N.G
    Member

    You were wrong. Next time don’t sign up for 10 members.

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