Social anxiety

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  • #1033730
    business1
    Participant

    Keep climbing,

    Its great that youre so honest with yourself. You know exactly where youre standing and what you want.

    You say that even if nothing is wrong at the moment, you arent happy. So let me ask you this: what do you think would make you happy? A certain person? A place? Try to think of something.

    I understand your fear of telling people. They might not take you seriously and they might betray your trust.

    If its too hard for you at the moment to speak to someone face to face there are always other options like a confidential hotline and of course the coffee room 🙂 actually, I always see a hotline advertised in the hamodia for boys. As soon as I have a chance, ill go find the ad and let you know details.

    Whichever way you choose to do it, speaking to people about what’s bothering you is so healthy. It releases tension, gives you a broader perspective of the problem, and together you can find solutions.

    Honestly, I totally get why you feel so unhappy. When you don’t have who to talk to, you feel terrible.When im really upset (usually at night) I want to talk to my friends but then I rationalize and say that they wont understand me, they wont know what to say… and then the frustration of having to keep everything in is often more painful than the problem itself. (But there’s someone that I email sometimes as a last resort and if not for her I would explode.)

    I had a thought. Could it be that youre scared to be more extroverted because of what you think extroverts are like? If you perceive them as bullies and nasty people then of course you wouldn’t want to emulate them!

    Please keep me posted cuz im thinking about you all the time and hoping youre ok

    #1033731

    thanks for the reply.I would reply that number.as for my happyness. should I really work so hard on my problems I have so many of them different situations bring on different emotions that are negative.I have no social skills .a lot of times in situations il tell myself the only way your good enough for the other guy is if u have no insecurity and are realy confident and .il convince myself that I am those things and the second .il think I was otherwise acting like that .il get really really uncomfterble so .I dont know why I wrote that but whatever.I have no Friends and don’t even know how to make them.even if someone would consider me a friend i would be too anxious and would have some kind of insecurity preventing a friendship.

    #1033732
    C.I. Boy
    Member

    I know what you are feeling as I too don’t have any friends. However the only time I really talk to guys is when they ask me to do a favor for them. Why not offer a guy who you trying to be friends with, help with something if he needs it? That is a start towards maintaining a friendship. Ask business1 for advice on how to do it he is more equipped to tell you what to do.

    But I gotta tell you be careful on how often you agree to do a favor for them. Since I did it way too many times, and by the time I realized that they were just taking advantage of me, the friendship was already over for good.

    #1033733
    reachhigher
    Member

    the ad in the hamodia is about an advice line for bochorim called lev nosein. its a staff of mechanchim that “are available to listen and try to help you.” it says personal info will never be asked. the # is- 718-298-2400. good luck! i really hope it helps!!

    #1033734
    business1
    Participant

    Yes, you should definitely work on your problems no matter how many there are. Deal with one at a time. Set small goals for yourself and youll feel so happy when you accomplish them!

    The situation you described is so normal. many people feel like they need to act a certain way in order to be liked. But thats such a shame because then nobody gets to know you for who you really are. And that could be why you begin to feel uncomfortable; its hard to keep up such a charade.

    I dont know why you dont have friends. You seem so likeable.

    As for having insecurities preventing friendships, they’re not unfounded. Theres a reason for that. Yeh friends hurt each other… betray a trust… but that shouldnt keep you back. The important thing is to be yourself, to be genuine. People appreciate that.

    I have so many awesome quotes about this that could really cheer you up on a bad day. I wish I had your number or email address or something that I could send them to you. Oh well.

    On the ad that I wrote about in my last post it says that its a group of mechanchim backed by roshei yeshiva who take your calls. It says that everything is confidential and they don’t ask you for any personal information. The number is (718) 298-2400. Please try it! I believe it can help.

    And please keep me posted… I hope it works for you. Thinking of you… good night

    #1033735

    keep climing- I know this may sound cliche and have heard this many times- though I honestly completely understand how you feel.

    That being said, i don’t think it’s necessary to go through my entire story as its almost identical to yours. I suffered everything you describe, when I was in high school. I had terrible social anxiety, very few friends and became extremely withdrawn. This lead to severe depression anxiety which interfered with every aspect of my life. Worst of all horrible about myself. The worst I felt myself the more anxiety i suffered which led to feeling worst about myself. It was a completely vicious cycle I couldn’t get myself out of.

    My heart cries when I read this post. There is so much to say. B’h I finally did get the help I need, mainly from a professional. I see your already doing that and I highly commend you for doing that. Its important that it is someone whom you feel comfortable with.

    now after being out of school for a few years, I feel better about myself and life then I every would have imagined possible!! I wish I would have realized how much better things could get!!!

    At the time I was totally certain there was nothing I was good at or could accomplish. Now I realize how completely not true that was. Believe it or not, I’m beginning to realize how all my struggles and difficulties have helped me develop and come to many realizations about myself and life. I though that was totally impossible when I was in school.

    I see many have already given great advice. So i’ll keep my advice short.

    Do realize there are many who felt that way who’s life have improved.

    Do not despair.

    Do not underestimate your value for a second. you are so precious

    Hope my story helps even just a drop

    Hatzlocha!

    #1033736
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Wow, I am really outta sync here.

    Seems like no one even read what I had to say….

    Buisness1, sounds like you know alot, chaval you weren’t around here when I was….you sound like you could of been pretty helpful, and now I stooped posting personal info here, so ya…

    Well I wish a lot of hatzlacha, and I guess the CR just isn’t for me anymore…I feel so out of it…like my opinion dosen’t much count here since I stopped posting so much…

    #1033737
    business1
    Participant

    Im sorry that you feel that way. I read what you have to say all the time. Youre a deep thinker and you always express yourself well. (In all threads)

    #1033738
    C.I. Boy
    Member

    Yeah me too, sounds like no one wants to read my topics, since they removed two of my topics from the coffee room. So that means that everyone thinks I am not intelligent/stupid.

    #1033740
    business1
    Participant

    C.I. boy,

    Youre not in the least bit stupid! Look at your subtitle: clearly intelligent. I dont know if and why your topics were deleted but most topics are saved. Its just a matter of finding which category its saved under.

    Please dont think that your opinions dont count.

    #1033741
    C.I. Boy
    Member

    Business1- thanks for the compliment but in reality the general public doesn’t like to let people with disabilites’s opinions count.

    #1033742
    business1
    Participant

    C.I. boy,

    Im not going to disagree with you completely. However I dont think that that kind of attitude applies so much on an anonymous place like the coffee room.

    But youre obviously saying that based on experience. People definitely need to learn to be more accepting of all types. Disability doesnt always mean a lack of intelligence and personality.

    Have a great shabbos!

    #1033743
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    C.I. boy, I have to agree.

    But I tend to go against society, and try to just remember what Hashem thinks of me…

    You see here? I don’t stop posting just cuz it seems no one reads it….

    #1033744
    C.I. Boy
    Member

    Well apparently, every single topic or comment I posted was at once deleted. So an anonymous chat room such as the coffee room is biased in sync with the general public in terms of people with disabilities.

    I am very sorry you feel that way when, in fact, almost every one of your posts went through. Only three posts, which were really one post that you tried three times, were deleted because of the topic which had nothing at all to do with disabilities.

    #1033745
    brotherofurs
    Participant

    I read what you both had to say and was really interested in your sympathy and advice! you seem to both know what youre talking about. i just didnt read it till now and thats why i didnt comment before 😉

    #1033746
    business1
    Participant

    Keep climbing,

    Hows it going?

    #1033747
    C.I. Boy
    Member

    I am so sorry that you feel that you are not allowed to express yourself when only one of your posts is deleted. It has nothing to do with you or your disabilities. Every person has had some ideas that are okay, and some that aren’t, but it is important just to say to yourself, “I guess that topic isn’t good for klal yisroel right now. Nu, so I will go talk about something else.”

    Everything else you wrote has been posted and posters have been very supportive. They care about you and what you have to say. There is no reason for you to cut yourself off from them just because we have moderation on this site. I hope you will reconsider.

    #1033748
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Please do.

    If the mods won’t allow something it IS for a good reason and for yours and everyone’s own good.

    They don’t take random people as mods…They davka take people who won’t be biased and sometimes they won’t allow something cuz it’s getting too personal.

    #1033749

    Im still not feeling happy.my height is killing me.i cant accept it.it affects so many parts of my life.i cant accept the fact that most girls are taller than me.and i constantly asking hashem why me?couldnt he have picked someone else to be this short maybe someone who naturally is a high self confidence but why me. im embarrassed to be in some situations because my lack of heights will show.sometimes i have happen for doing this to me.does he understand how much i hate it?and also i hear that short people usually have something else that makes up for it but i foot see that by me.

    #1033752

    Im feeling suicidal about my height.the pain is just too strong.i cant spend tge rest of my life livimg as a midget.when i was a kid i would makd fun of the realy short guys.now thats me and it sucks so much and life sucks.

    #1033754
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    I’m really sorry you are feeling this way, I davened for you at the kosel twice these past weeks.

    You need to find help.

    Stay strong

    #1033755

    Thank you so much for davening for me at the kosel.it means a ton to me.i dont know what hashem wants from me.he made a human being with so many problems.and what help would help me with my height.

    #1033757

    If it makes you feel better you should know that researchers found that for every inch above 5 feet you will die 1.3 years earlier

    #1033758
    funnybone
    Participant

    Some people say that depression might be uncomfortable but it’s not dangerous.

    They are wrong. Depression is dangerous and there is a chance of suicide. You are saying that you are suicidal; you must discuss this with your therapist. It is dangerous to be so depressed.

    You say that your height is your main issue; it is not. It’s your thoughts about your height. You are depressed and thinking about your height. You are depressed and thinking that you don’t have friends. It’s your thoughts that are killing you.

    You need to learn to have new thoughts; that is the theory of CBT. I assume that you need medication. (It might be helpful to be monitored while you start medication and your Dr. might want to hospitalize you. It’s not scary, its just full time care.)

    You need to learn skills, the most important one is not to think the whole time about other people. What makes you happy? Do you like to work with your hands? Do you like to read a book? Take a walk? Learn to be happy on your own. People skills will come as you find something that you like and are good at you can interact with people in your comfort zone. You are the only person responsible for your happiness. Let’s say that again, you are the only person responsible for your happiness. Go find ways to make yourself happy.

    #1033759
    oyyoyyoy
    Participant

    (oh no, not CBT again)

    #1033760
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    funnybone, why so serious?

    This IS a serious matter, though I think having suicidal thoughts is 100 percent normal in anyone in their teens and depending also in their pre/after teens too.

    I have yet to meet someone my age who doesn’t…

    Have you seen the amount of homework we get? And tests? And find ourselves and fit in, have self esteem, find our own connection with Hashem and judiasm and this is all for a regular typical teen. What if that teen is also the oldest at home? Or is having something going thru her life or is in a not-norm environment…???

    Allteens have suicidal thoughts…so whaty is your solution?

    Everyone should take pills???

    I think if someone is so serious that everything they see, they think of a way to use it to kill themselves, that is dangerous….

    But a passing thought that lasts no more than 3-5 min. in normal…

    #1033761
    wolfr
    Member

    CIboy, you’re a good guy and your opinion is important and appreciated.

    There is a good article called “Scared to Make Friends” by Lauren Roth on Aish. I recommend reading it.

    I wish you that you should have confidence in yourself and in your abilities (which are your unique abilities since there is no person like you on earth, and therefore no person with your specific mission and specific possibilities to fulfill that mission)

    I recommend also praying to Hashem to ask him for help and to use your improved abilities LeShem Tikkun Olam

    #1033763
    business1
    Participant

    Hi keep climbing. I’m in Israel and I barely have internet connection so I can’t really write on. I saw your last message 2 weeks ago and I have a lot to say but that will have to be in a week when I come home. In the meantime I wanted to say that I saw what you wrote about girls being taller on the morning that I went to Amuka. I davened for you and I’ve had you in mind by all the kvarim I visited. I plan on writing to you the day I come home but on the meantime please stay strong. Thinking of you and davening for you.

    #1033764
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    I think that what funnybone meant to say is that it’s ok for a teen to think suicidal thoughts sometimes. But when the said teen seems to be clinically depressed, then suicidal thoughts are something to be worried about.

    Keepclimbing, I wish I’d know what to say to make you feel better. I wish I could make you an appointment with Hashem, in which He could tell you what you are capable of, and how there is a reason for your height. But I can’t, so I’ll do the next best thing- tell you that Hashem is rooting for You. You’ve got a whole cheerleading team up in Shamayim. Maybe if you internalize that, it would help you? Realize that every action you make, every word you say, even every thought that crosses your mind is precious in Hashem’s eyes.

    Stay strong, keep climbing, and keep smiling.

    #1033765
    thethinkingjew
    Participant

    hey keep climbing. just want to let you know that you are not alone in the world. there are loads of people who feel like this on a day to day occurrence. you are just one of the BRAVE ones to speak out about it. good on you!!!

    talking it out is a really good idea and i know there are lots of people on here trying to help you out but sometimes professional help is more worthwhile. Get a new therapist, someone who will understand you and be able to help you. it is easy to work out if you and your therapist are not ‘compatible’. often when you discuss the same thing over again you get stuck in a rut and the therapist’s job is to move you on from that so you can get to the root of the problem. discussing the same thing again and again doesn’t always have its advantages. the therapist needs to help you focus on a different aspect and help you feel more positive about yourself. so if your therapist cant move you on maybe its time for you to move on. i know this sounds corny but i want to say it anyway: you may be short but ‘great things come in small packages’ think positive and it will be positive. we want to help you on here but we also want you to help yourself. talk therapy or cbt are really useful to overcoming some of these anxiety issues.

    and finally last but definitely NOT least DAVEN!!!! even when no one else understands Hashem is there for you and He put you in this situation and you have the tools to handle it. Ask Him to help you!!!!!!

    sorry if this is all a bit repetitive!!!

    wishing you continued hatslacha!!! you will get there..just hang on.

    #1033766

    feeling very fake and awful mood. can anyone relate?

    #1033767
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Totally relatable and norm 4 a teen 2 feel.

    I’ve felt so fake many times, esspecially after school ended…and my davening too seemed to end…I felt like I was fake and maybe it wasn’t real but I had before…

    But trust me, you are just fooling yourself, when alone with one’s self, you become self critical….remember that,

    Good luck!

    #1033768
    business1
    Participant

    Hi! What are you feeling fake about?

    As for bad moods, we all have them occasionally and sometimes more often than that. Maybe do something for yourself today that you enjoy to put you into a better mood.

    #1033769

    Thanks for the reply.i have bad moods all the time.i have different line me bad ones.i hardly he ever an im a good mood.i know i need to be open but its very hard for me to do that its ingrained im my brain that i keep everything that is bothering me inside i foot want to look like a guy who has a too many problems.will i ever be happy? i hope one day i will but its so hard for me to live the way i am.i dont know why hashem had to give me such a bad life but he gave other people much better lives.i want to ask him what he want from me what did i do to deserve this gehenom on earth.what should i do? i have a very low self esteem and i hate myself so much.but to everyone else i try to show that i like myself.its exhausting and not done well anyway.why all the suffering want i be like every other normal teen?

    #1033770
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    I feel bad going off topic here, but I just want to tell Shopping how much better she made me feel. I also stopped davening when I finished school. Every now and then, in a burst of inspiration, i Daven Shachris, but that doesn’t happen too often. Even now that we’re in Elul, I barely daven. And I feel so guilty about that… It’s so ironic, cuz in school, I really daven well, but at home… The atmosphere just doesn’t work.

    I wonder if there are more Bais Yaakov girls that do this. I wish schools would talk about it! In their minds, the hardest thing about davening is having kavanna. I wish they’d talk about this topic, I bet there are so many girls that feel really guilty.

    #1033772
    business1
    Participant

    @letakein girl, youre 100% right. I couldnt agree with you more.

    @keep climbing, so basically whats going on is that youre trying all the time to act the way others want you to be that you dont have time to look and learn about yourself and appreciate yourself for who YOU are. No doubt thats exhausting!

    Its not a sign of bravery when somebody makes believe that they dont have any problems because everybody does. Life is hard and even though thats diffucult to accept, it makes you into the person youre supposed to become. Life throws you obstacles and you work and struggle to overcome them. And then you become so much better and stronger. Thats called bravery.

    Youre not the only one putting on a show; everybody does to some extent. I wish the world woulndt be that way.

    And please open up to somebody that you can trust. Youll only be helping yourself. Please keep me posted. Thinking of you…

    #1033777
    YW Moderator-127
    Moderator

    Letakein Girl – the post you were referring to was deleted.

    #1033778
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    Oh. Ok then, thanks.

    #1033779

    I have a problem.when i have a strong bad feeling then i feel the need to tell someone even if i dont.but sometimes i have bad feeling that arent so intense and i up wait for it to pass.i have trouble opening up to people about either one . the less intense bad feelings come again and again. at i just let then im because its easier. side question whats the purpose of me and this world?

    #1033780
    business1
    Participant

    It must be very hard to keep everything in because then you feel so alone. When you confide in somebody you automatically feel better. If its the right person youre talking to, they make you feel validated, it gives you a chance to blow off some steam, and maybe they can help you with tangible problems.

    A good idea is to get a number of a rav who you can text anonymously. I know such a thing exists though unfortunately I dont know of any numbers.

    Im sure youll agree with me that carrying everything around and not confiding in anyone makes life so much harder.

    Im not qualified to answer your question but ill attempt it. Very often we pay attention to the details of our actual trip on this world instead of paying attention to the destination. We get caught up in so many problems that weigh us down until we feel like well never get out of it.

    The point in all those problems is not to live in the moment, but to learn how to grow from them. Life is full, full of obstacles but when were over them, everyone’s waiting on the other side cheering us on.

    We need to struggle so that we can end up in the best place possible. As the saying goes “keep your eye on the prize.” Look at where you want to end up and do everything in your power to get there.

    Remember that the fact that youre in existence is proof of the fact that theres a mission that only you can fulfill.

    Dont ever give up!! Youre much stronger than you can ever imagine! Please keep me posted. Thinking of you all the time…

    #1033781

    buisness1 Thank you so much for your time and insight.without you i dont know where i would be.You are there for a stranger you dont even know. You are being totally selfless and helping another jew without personal gain for yourself.

    #1033782
    business1
    Participant

    Wow, beautiful message. Im so happy I could be there for you.

    #1033783
    business1
    Participant

    How are you?

    #1033784

    im having a really hard time now. i feel so overwhelmed and my heart feels heavy. i want handle the learning im my school. not because me the school but because me me. imagine learning and the whole time you feel inferior self conscious and bad about yourself its not a good feeling.school is really hard for me. i have all there bad messages im my head all day. about how short i am about how merry and unpopular i am about how im below the level of learning than everyone else about all my problems and life is not fun the way it is right now. i have myself and i have were self esteem. another problem i have is that i think i am bipolar. i could be loving life one second and hating it the next and also i foot wanton tell my parents about there problems because they think im happy here which i was but now all there old problems creeped up.in also really sensitive and easily hurt and being really short and weak depots help any of that neither does having social anxiety and possibly avoident personality disorder. btw i called the hotline and it was spent helpfull actually. help ! ! !

    #1033785
    business1
    Participant

    Firstly, I want to commend you on you post. I think its the longest youve ever written and you really captured exactly how bad you feel.

    Its probably horrible to sit in school surrounded by people who you think are so much better than you when all you want to do is lock yourslef in a room.

    From what I know of whats going on, it doesnt really sound like youre bipolar so dont worry about that. I want to add something. These days everyone has a lable. ADD, ADHD, bipolar, you name it. Im not trying to minimize what anyones going through but I honestly think that if people wouldn’t identity themselves by these harmful titles, everything would be easier. The minute you call yourself by one of these names, you automatically feel inferior.

    I understand that you dont want to tell your parents whats going on because they think youre happy. But the truth is that they want you to be happy so they want to know when you’re having a hard time.

    Imagine you would tell them whatever you wrote here. True it would be difficult while youre saying it but wouldnt you feel so much lighter once its over?

    Please keep me posted because I think about you all the time.

    #1033786

    Im really mad at hashem for giving me a really bad life and im so young. i probably have more struggles than everyone in my school.what am i going to get for all this misery. does if even see what i im through . i have problems and struggles with so many things in life. and then i have to do jewish things also which are very hard to do when your depressed. whats going untapped un al my tears.(yea i know im a guy but i seriously cry alot these days)i would love if if just intend a normal life but he did not.why did if do this to me. does if he even hear my prayers and my tears?

    #1033789
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    NOW I AM MAD!!!

    I sat writing that post for 15 minutes and I meant EVERY WORD AND THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG AND IT GETS REJECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Now I’ll know not to give advice….I was complimenting him, giving advice….

    And YOU DELETED IT?!?!?!?!

    *Goes away to sulk*

    It’s elul…I just wanted to help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    #1033790
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    I GET NO ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    I sit here, and daven my heart out, cry, and I just want to give a little advice and my thoughts…..and you delete it, and give me no reply!!!!

    WHY????????????

    Hasn’t him and me suffered enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    #1033791
    YW Moderator-127
    Moderator

    Shopping – please calm down. You wrote some revealing information about your family, perhaps without realizing how revealing it was. We do not have time to edit posts, especially with the current high rate of posting. Hence, your post was deleted for your own protection.

    #1033792
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    It was one sentance you could of edited out…ONE SENTANCE…!!!!!

    I worked hard, and wrote something extremely long and meaningful that cannot just be replicated….something much more than the other trivial threads going right now….

    I just think you mods should of taken me into account, is there anyway to restore it and edit out that sentance….or e-mail it to me and I will edit it….I practiacally cried writing it, I davened for him at the kosel…please!!!!!!

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