The other kids dont let my son play

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    The new school year has begun at Yeshiva Torah Whatever. Back to the same old story with regard to recess. A group of boys play football, punchball or whichever sport is in for the month. And not everyone gets to play. My son asks if he can play. The “head” says no. My son does not want me to call the shcool, he says that nothing changes. The principal will come in and say everyone has to play – and the other boys will know that it came from him. He does not want that stigma. SO I am stuck.

    I feel that it should be a school policy that the playdeck or gym is monitored by a specific amount of Rebbeim. And yes, everyone should be allowed to play. Darcei did it. And they have only grown from it. My colony, BVG, does it. And the boys learn how to be nice. With all that happened this summer, isnt it time for a change. Isnt it time that the Torah limudim get internalized. And yes, everyone should be allowed to play. So what is a mother to do or say?


    I know it hurts. I am a mother also. I have also been on the “neb” list as a young child at times, so I understand about being left out and not being included. It hurts, but it probablly hurts the mothers more.

    I think you should not make an issue out of it because this is the way it is. You and I know that Hashem has sent this to him, and we as adults may be able understand that not all kids are socially invited, but he, may be better able to actually brush it off practically, and go on with life and what other things he could do at recess besides feeling sorry or angry at “the way it is”.

    As a mother your job, and influence should and can be to show him, (indirectly) just how to move on, and accept things.

    So he doesnt get to play the games at recess. Its not so terrible.

    Let the kids work it out themselves. If you get involved it can make things worse sometimes. It can make the boy feel weak and more vulnerable when he sees your emotions as per how you’re handling it and being upset for him.

    You’re not “Stuck” as you wrote above, this is his lot, for now.

    Your job is to help him deal with it positively and perhaps this is Hashem’s blessing and opportunity for him to stick around the other kinds of boys who are also not playing, and what I have found in life, is that each “missed opportunity” was in fact a blessing in disguise. Maybe the boys not playing games are in fact smarter or more studious, and destined to be learners.


    You should definitely speak to the school and suggest that they should have a monitered play time. Many schools do it around the worls, especially when there are large classes, they basically divide up the class in 4 group, they designate a certain game for each group. every recess that group gets to play a different game. Obviously they are not always stuck with the same kids, as the teachers/rebbis change the groups every week so the kids get to play with different kids. This should be done until a certain grade until the children are capable of including everyone without the teachers intervening. they obviously are not socially mature enough to play independantly and need the teachers intervention at this age.. Don’t mention anything about your child in particular, otherwise the teachers will start treating him like a needy case, just focus on the fact that your childs social well being is important to you as much his education. It’s part in parcel of his development! You pay the school fees, so you deserve the right to have the best for your child just like any other parent. these children do not have the right to ruin it for you child. they have the same rights as him! Hazlocha and good luck!! Hope It all works out for you! Raising children is not an easy task, remember you are doing great job! keep up the good work!! and be positive, if you allow your child to see ANY negativity, that will also ruin his attitude toward everything, keep upbeat, your child looks up to you, and will only benifit from it. because if you are positive he will also, this will lead him to make friends more easily, people like to be around happy people. Work on building your son up as well as improving the system in his surroundings. Also if he is positive and sees good in others that will also make it alot more easier for him!!


    Yes, the school should be more interactive but why look at what someone else can do or has to do when the first response is what is MY responsibility in this and what do I teach my child? What can I do to support him in this situation?

    I would suggest that you go to the store and have him pick out his own ball that he can play with at recess. How long do you think it would take for someone to go over to him and ask if they can play with him? Make sure you put HIS name on it so no one tries to take it away from him. And remind him how he felt when he was told “NO” when he asked if he could play. Lets see what develops from there. The one who owns the ball holds the cards. What lessons does he learn from this?

    Number one there are solutions to every problem.

    He can always come and discuss things with you and the two of you can work on problem solving.

    He does not have to try to be part of a crowd that doesn’t value him, he has to recognize his own value. So in essence be a leader and not a follower. If others want to play with him, he doesn’t have to be stuck up and be the kind that says “no” or “i’ll think about it”. He can be the one that says, “sure, everyone counts”.

    Always stand tall and proud, don’t let others devalue you or attack your self-esteem and self-confidence.


    I didn’t read the responses, I apologize if I repeated what someone else said.

    I don’t know if this is possible or practical but maybe you can approach your sons Rebbe or teacher (or a former teacher that looked out for him and you had some contact with- that may be even better) and ask to institute something like that for Elul or as a project for the year without involving your son directly. (A teacher would know right away but it won’t be at the school level and maybe he can avoid the “stigma” for future years)

    Now hows that for a run on?




    Suggestion: Make him the child that everyone wants to play with. Do the research, get him the “Cool” toys, or the real football, and they will agree to let him play. Also practice with your child so that he becomes a good player, and others will want to play with him.



    Though I hate the “bribery” aspect of him being made the kid with the cool toys, I have to agree that right now, the problem is the hit this child’s self-esteem is taking in his formative years. Not everyone will like us, not eveyone wants to be with us, but in a schoolyard, EVERYONE should be part of the k’lal, and no one should be shut out.

    It is up to the rebbeim to see to it that they impart the proper middos to these boys, that the camaraderie of a game is more important than how many hits the kid makes in it. They should participate in a few games themselves, if physically able to, or designate a younger, more vigorous rebbe to do so, if they themselves cannot, who will see if anyone is being actively shunned. This will ensure that ALL the kids are involved. Our kids have a lot of hard lessons to learn in life, but this is one that they should not have to. It would also help if the parents could help hone the child’s athletic skills a little more, so he is more “game-worthy.”


    I think you should get him something to play with during recess and you’ll see how fast the boys come to play with him. I would speak to the principal behind his back and tell him why your son does not want you to make the call but as the mother you know that your son is suffering. I think your suggestion is a great one about having a rebbe at the recess grounds at all times. I feel bad for you but in the end your son will be a fighter and learn to deal with other people.


    flatbush: you are right to pay close attention to what happens at recess; a successful or unsuccessful recess can sometimes color the entire school experience. And you were also right to invoke the memory of this past summer—the elementary recess is where many kind of “derech” can begin. The staff has responsibility to make sure no kids get seriously wounded (emotionally) at recess.

    golden mom

    first the problem is that if u ask ur son where his rebbe is during recess it is most likly not with the class! so thats half the problem!

    secound if was gonna say what many said have him bring a ball and ull see plenty will play with him but make sure he knows the rules of the games the boys r playing it is possible they r not letting him play cuz they fell he dont know how and will just ruin there game hazolcha


    Gavra is right.

    Just get him the “real” football or whatever, and let him organize his own game. The “non-head” kids will join him.


    Flatbushmom: Two things occur to me, though they may not apply to your son:

    1) A child wanting to be accepted socially can’t afford to be arrive at school unkempt. Make sure he has his haircut, looks neat and presentable, etc. A minor thing, perhaps, but important.

    2) Is he in the correct class for his age? My son was the youngest of his class. We kept him down a year since we felt it was best for him. I noticed that his social standing changed from fair to excellent.


    One of the responsibilities the yeshiva and rabeim have is to be mechanech the boys in middos, not just learning.

    Let the principal announce that a school rule is that everyone who wants to play needs to be included, and let all rabeim enforce that rule.

    This way it won’t be obvious who “snitched”, or even that a parent made the request.


    ICOT: I always thought it was the parents duty to be mechanech the boys in middos.


    Its the responsibility of all Klal Yisroel



    It absolutely is.

    They aren’t exclusive.


    One of the responsibilities the yeshiva and rabeim have is to be mechanech the boys in middos, not just learning.

    I agree.

    Yet, when schools get involved in teaching middos, they usually do so through magnificent displays of bad middos. (Imagine a rebbi yelling at a kid for having bad middos- the rebbi is displaying bad middos.)

    So I’d rather they just stay out of it.


    Agreed. (With both ICOT & 80.) Although I would add the parents bear the primary responsibility for it.


    Tums, the other parents probably aren’t aware there is any issue.


    ICOT, it’s a good idea if they’ll listen. In my experience they hear what you say, agree full heartedly, and announce that a ‘certain’ boy had a problem, and everyone knows exactly who he is talking about.

    I don’t know if a better ball will make more popular. It probably won’t. It has to do with his personality and self image. Some are born to be popular in certain ages, others for different ages; some in all ages and others in none. As the children mature and different skills are needed, different boys shine and rise. Just wait it out.

    To help him deal with it now you can point out that it is wrong to leave people out and there is nothing wrong with him. Give him an interesting book or project to keep him busy during recess.

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