March 2, 2011 1:46 am at 1:46 am #595438
i shop at a ceratin store and the managers know me cuz my family goes there pretty often and i feel that the managers feel comferable talking to me and i guess u can say schmoozing or asking me favors and im a teenage girl what should i do??
could someone give me adviice?March 2, 2011 2:25 am at 2:25 am #758154deiyezoogerMember
don’t go to that store.use another one(i’m sure where you live therer are more such stores).March 2, 2011 2:35 am at 2:35 am #758155neekMember
try avoiding that storeMarch 2, 2011 2:41 am at 2:41 am #758156
Thats not an option really because of certain circumstnaces i have to go there
i need to know what to do that this doesnt happen when im thereMarch 2, 2011 3:06 am at 3:06 am #758157s2021Member
When you shop there try to make sure your attitude is businesslike, n slightly cold (but polite!) Dont initiate conversation and answer any questions in short and to the point, and dont be afraid to ignore a comment that is too friendly… Theyll get over it! If they r the type of guys who understand the concept of men n woman not shmoozin it up they will probly get the message. If not just dont give off that friendly smiley cheerfull vibe.. Its not easy but its what us girls gotta know howta do…! Gluck!March 2, 2011 3:07 am at 3:07 am #758158popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Give one word monotonous answers.March 2, 2011 3:32 am at 3:32 am #758159TheGoqParticipant
what kind of favors do they ask?March 2, 2011 3:38 am at 3:38 am #758160aries2756Participant
Keep your cell phone handy and put it up to your ear whenever they approach you. Nod and keep moving, do not stop. Eventually they will get the message that you have a life that doesn’t include them.March 2, 2011 4:09 am at 4:09 am #758161
i cant avoid in order for me to pay they have to be there and many times i have to say sometjing to them regarding a mistake or something and one manager is asking me to get something for him cuz i know someone i cant give you all the details otherwise it will be obvious plz help me i really dont like the situation im inMarch 2, 2011 4:41 am at 4:41 am #758162sayidMember
Why dont you tell your parents about the situation? im sure they will be able to do something about it.March 2, 2011 4:48 am at 4:48 am #758163
yoyo56-sweetie-you DO NOT HAVE to go there – look at the price –
if you are feeling uncomfortable, then just say NO -there is a reason you feel that way-you don’t need the discomfort and worry – they are not the only show in town, have the stuff delivered, get a sibling/parent to go,
if you are going to be there and feel bad to be mean, you can be blunt, and say that you don’t mean to be rude, but you know, in this town, i really have to watch my reputation, so don’t take it personally but i am going to be a bit cool-or you can disguise yourself a little with a bun,glasses, (sunglasses),hood,scarf over your mouth, or you can keep your tehillim handy, and say tehillim while waiting to be served, the cellphone idea is good, listen to chazak shiurim, or listen to an ipod-
it is a very short step between levels of inappropriate behavior, stop it now.March 2, 2011 4:49 am at 4:49 am #758164real-briskerMember
Sorry, but by not giving to many details its a bit hard to help you.March 2, 2011 5:10 am at 5:10 am #758165
Hard to figure out what is going on there, but Aries’ advice was very good (as usual). What on earth could they be asking you to do that is so awful? If it is really bad, you SHOULD talk to your parents and have them talk to the store manager. I wonder if you possibly might be reading into anything…March 2, 2011 5:11 am at 5:11 am #758166aries2756Participant
Go with your mom and see if they behave the same way when she is with you.March 2, 2011 6:30 am at 6:30 am #758167mom12Participant
I dont think speaking and explaining will help.
I like the cellphone idea.
and DO tell your parents about the uncomfortable situation.
Going with a parent to figure out whats going on is a good idea too!
Or just stay away from that store!March 2, 2011 9:17 am at 9:17 am #758168Shticky GuyParticipant
Many ppl seem to like the cellphone idea and its cute. But what will you do if someone actually calls you while you’re supposedly already on a call and your phone rings? You cant do this every time you go shopping! Also this is not solving the issue but avoiding it.
I think acting politely but cool or involving your family is a much more sensible approach.
But tell us, is he a family friend/someone you have contact with outside of the store or not? Any what type of messages or vibes have you given him in the past?March 2, 2011 3:03 pm at 3:03 pm #758170
Many ppl seem to like the cellphone idea and its cute. But what will you do if someone actually calls you while you’re supposedly already on a call and your phone rings”
You shut the phone off while shopping in this atore. Or put the ringer off and don’t leave it on vibrate. Either way, you will still get your messages and missed phone calls. What one arth did we ever do before the advent of the cell phone. Wait a minute – we DIDN’T talk on the phone when we were out.March 2, 2011 3:52 pm at 3:52 pm #758171
obviously they know your family this is a tough situation, you might feel uncomfortable telling your parents, because it may put you in an awkward situation.
Is it possible you are wavering between doing the right thing and a little bit being drawn to the wrong thing? if you want help, look into your soul-my bills rarely are wrong, i rarely interact with the management, besides a pleasant good morning, thank you etc. Stay Away, and Listen to shiurimMarch 2, 2011 6:09 pm at 6:09 pm #758172MDGParticipant
Use some conversation killers like:
– After they say something (but not a joke) say, “Was that the punch line? Because I don’t get it.”
– After they start talking to you, interrupt and change the subject by asking them if they heard of thigmotropism or use another obscure long word.
– Don’t give eye contact.
– One word monotone answers.
– When you walk in, don’t say hello. If they say hello, then lightly wave to them without any eye contact.
I’m sure you can think of more or look some up online.
After a few of their awkward attempts, they should realize that it’s not worth conversing with you.March 2, 2011 6:28 pm at 6:28 pm #758173gavra_at_workParticipant
Tell them since they like you so much, you should get a 20% discount.
That will quiet them real quick.March 2, 2011 6:40 pm at 6:40 pm #758174seventytotheOneMember
It seems they are pushing you psychologically to things you are uncomfortable with. This is similar to controlling. The only thing you can do to get out of this is to be rude/strong with them. They will call you weird, but that is the leverage they are holding against you. They are counting on you not doing something ‘weird’.March 2, 2011 6:42 pm at 6:42 pm #758175mddMember
s2021’s is a good idea, because it does not involve falsehood or being rude.March 2, 2011 7:01 pm at 7:01 pm #758176whatrutalkingabtMember
Plug your ears up with earphones and listen to music or a shuir. This way you can say anything that you must say to them but they know you cant hear them so they wont bother.
“But what will you do if someone actually calls you while you’re supposedly already on a call and your phone rings”
Why cant she really be talking to someone?March 2, 2011 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #758177
thank you so much for your advice i told my parents what happened and they didnt find anything wrong with it and as for lowering my phone ringer i cant do it because many times my mom does call me and i would forget and not good multitasker i dont want to be rude cuz thats not the way i like to go abt thingsMarch 2, 2011 10:19 pm at 10:19 pm #758178
i do try to answer there questions whith very short answers and snob a bit but that doesnt seem to stop themMarch 2, 2011 10:57 pm at 10:57 pm #758179
Perhaps there actually IS nothing wrong in what they are saying to you, and you are getting overly upset over nothing. Your parents apparently agree. It would help if you gave an example of what they are saying to you. If all it is, is something like, “So nice to see you, how’s you family?” then you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If however, they are making personal comments like, “Don’t YOU look pretty today! ARE you here alone? ” then you are right to be wary.March 3, 2011 10:24 pm at 10:24 pm #758181
they asked me if u i would work there they also asked me how old my brother is to figure out my age and was shocked that he was young which meant i was younger
i asked for a discount which didnt work they continued to talk i dont want to be nasty just want o give them a hint that i cant talk to them cuz we are not supposed to be….March 3, 2011 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #758182observanteenMember
Yoyo: I really admire you for your insight! You’re a true Bas Yisroel. Please don’t allow that feeling to fade! DON’T allow yourself to get used to the situation and then think there’s nothing wrong. Maybe you can tell them something like,”Don’t you think it’s inappropiate to talk in such a heimish fashion?”
Hatzlacha Raba!!!March 4, 2011 3:07 am at 3:07 am #758183
guys thank you so much!!
i have really no choice but to go to this store i just try avoiding him if you have any other ideas how to go abt it i really apperciate your advice
keep them coming!
thanks for the support.March 4, 2011 12:13 pm at 12:13 pm #758184
If you absolutely have no choice -?????
then, make yourself as unappealing and unapproachable as possible
Wear horrible clothes.
Contort your face slightly
Paint a front tooth black
Eyebrow Pencil in a bit of a mustache
Blow your nose a lot.
Speak in a slow, distracted, whiny voice
Ask them to repeat everything they say a few times
Just say uh,uh,uh, like your in middle of davening and point to a prepared shopping list.
If your picking up the family pizza store order, call it in, and have a piece of paper with your family name on it, and point to it.
Otherwise any of the recommended methods from all the posters here will totally work – if you have your ipod, phone, tehillim, Binah magazine handy.March 4, 2011 7:23 pm at 7:23 pm #758185
they are now not only tring to be nice directly but indirectly also i noticed how the lady at the cashier was very nice they also make surre to say hi and bye etc. tell the workers while im arounding to be extra careful i dont like the attt and its not given to anyone else just me i cant dress up like a dork each time i go cuz thats not reasonableMarch 4, 2011 10:07 pm at 10:07 pm #758186
why do you think they are giving you so much attention? what is their motive?March 6, 2011 2:17 am at 2:17 am #758187
im really not sure maybe one of you men will understand them
maybe tring to get my att not sureMarch 6, 2011 3:41 am at 3:41 am #758188observanteenMember
Maybe try wearing less attractive clothes. Perhaps that’s what grabs their att. Good luck! Keep strong!March 6, 2011 4:22 am at 4:22 am #758189
yoyo… first, how old is this guy? also, im thinking two things right now 1) i’m not sure bc i don’t know exactly what goes on, but i think that some of whats happening is you’re being very self-concious and believe that everything that happens is only bc ur there or just to you and ur also taking things and spinning them negatively. I’m not saying ur totally off, there probably is something wrong with the situatio if you feel this way, but try to broaden ur mind and next time think about the other reasons this person might have said what he said(esp. hi and bye is just basic manners) and 2)either way, if you feel this way i think the best way to approach it, and i know its also the hardest, is to just be straight up honest and say “i don’t mean to be disrespectful at all, but this is where i am in life, i feel like abc, and id appreciate if you would do abc accordingly”March 6, 2011 5:11 am at 5:11 am #758190s2021Member
I agree, j uMarch 6, 2011 2:10 pm at 2:10 pm #758191
wearing my skool uniform is not attractive at all and i noticed he didnt say anything to anyone waas just me i was watching him to see if he said it anyone but he didntMarch 6, 2011 2:14 pm at 2:14 pm #758192shlishiMember
you need to find a way to avoid going to that store.March 6, 2011 6:52 pm at 6:52 pm #758193
or maybe im just overreactingMarch 6, 2011 7:16 pm at 7:16 pm #758194shlishiMember
i certainly didnt get that impression! (also, overreacting is a lot better than under-reacting in a case like this.)March 6, 2011 11:00 pm at 11:00 pm #758195
1) how old is this guy 2)unless he says things which are explicit in their words that theres something wrong, i think its best to be dan lechaf zechus and not lechaf chov 3)if you really do feel smthng is wrong, i still think you should go up to him and tlk to him about it- i also think whether youre willing to is a measure of whether something is wrong. If youre willing to have that conv which will be akward it means you really believe something needs to change; if not, i think it means smthng is a little off but its worth you going through thatMarch 6, 2011 11:43 pm at 11:43 pm #758196
first of all im really not sure how old he is maybe low twenties i was once asked by one of the managers if i wanted to work there its two guys who are being friendly not sure in nice way or trying to flirt with me and i feel the way the act is the just the beginning getting friendly then once they have me talking to them they can do whatever they want i wouldn’t be surprised if they are trying to get my number or something from me or someone else and i was planning on confronting them but someone told me i shouldn’t so im really not sure if i should or notMarch 7, 2011 3:33 am at 3:33 am #758197nfgo3Member
In your initial posting, you do not say so explicitly, but I gather you are frum, the shop is in a frum neighborhood, and the personnel in the store are frum or under frum supervision. As I see it, the behavior of the frum store personnel is a frum equivalent of secular sexual harassment. If you cannot or do not want to speak to the store personnel directly and tell them to stop, you should ask someone to do so on your behalf, whether it is a neighborhood rabbi, one or both of your parents, or some other respectable adult who can make the store personnel see and understand the inappropriateness of their behavior and cause them to stop. If the interventions on your behalf do not bring about the appropriate change in the behavior of the shop personnel, you and your family (and extended family, if possible) should have no further dealings with the shop. You deserve respect, and your parents and rabbi will be happy to help you get it.March 7, 2011 3:35 am at 3:35 am #758198miriamtovMember
You should ignore them as much as you can. You can not confront them because then you will look like a fool, play the conversation out in your head… see what i’m saying? It will not get you anywhere but looking foolish.March 7, 2011 3:56 am at 3:56 am #758199
If this guy isnt married and hes that young its def an issue. I dont think hes necessarily a bad guy, its just unfortunately guys like him are wired to be attracted to you. If he gets a simple reject from you, his brain will kick in and tell him hes a moron to keep on doing this. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but thats the way it works.
Miriam: Granted, it will be akward, but by nature its an awkward situation. It will be awkward for him too and he’ll get the message. However yoyo, if it does make you excessively uncomfortable, then have someone else talk to him. But he’ll have a lot more respect for your position if you say it to him directly. Otherwise he could be like “so i see you need to get your rabbi involved in my buisness” or smthng like thatMarch 7, 2011 4:21 am at 4:21 am #758200
miriam tov that exactly what one of my friends told me and so therefore im not going over to them
mfgo3 they are not doing anything wrong except for asking me diff things the only issue is that im a type of person that can get easily influenced and if i tell my parents they wont let me out of the house this doesnt only happen with frum/modern jews its relatives through marrige or random ppl on the street therefore i have to find a way to face it and overcome this challenge cuz not everyone can u talk to and im scared this could be led in the wrong direction
anyways thank you so much for your advice the best thing is for me not to respond even when they are just friendly hi and bye etc. and not make eye contanctMarch 7, 2011 5:19 am at 5:19 am #758201miriamtovMember
I want to compliment you on your courage it takes a lot of self control. You say that you are easily influenced I would like to make a suggestion to you, Your only a teenager and you see that you have this nisoyan of being a good looking girl from Hashem you should just know a girls main mitzvah is tznius and if you keep this Hashem will be really proud of you. You must learn to say NO and stare the guy down in the eye, learning to protect yourself comes with this nisoyan and these are the times when Hashem would want you to say NO and if you must be rude or nasty to get out of the conversation or situation your in so be it that is what Hashem would want from you. I used to think Hashem would want me to be a nice person and please everyone in the world i found out the hard way, its not worth it trust me i wish i was as strong as you are, and dont do anything you will regret.March 7, 2011 5:48 am at 5:48 am #758202
yoyo, i think you actually have a real handle on it now. I see a lot more after that last post of yours, and you’re being very honest with yourself which i respect a lot. I think you know very much what might be wrong and how to deal with so yasher koach and good luck with Hashem’s helpMarch 7, 2011 6:58 pm at 6:58 pm #758203
Personally I think many of you are making too much of this. The poster’s PARENTS are apparently not concerned, so why are you? People have to learn how to deal with all types of situations, INCLUDING deflecting unwanted attention (and I am not sure this even qualifies, as it sounds like these employees are just very friendly, and things are being read into).
Yoyo, if you are really that bothered, STAY OUT OF THE STORE, though I think you are over-reacting. Store owners encourage their employees to be friendly to customers, and if it bothers you that they are, to the extent that you feel it is too much, then either refrain from going in there, or keep the conversation light, short, and away from personal subjects. Hello, goodbye. If they mention you working in the store, say “not interested, but thanks,” and then walk away.
Part of growing up, is learning how to maturely deal with this type of occurrence. It will happen in the workplace, in stores, sometimes on the street. When we grow up, we need to not get thrown by this, and we learn to tell the difference between TRUE harrassment and just plain over-friendliness. And btw, just because someone asks for your number (which they did not do), does not obligate you to give out your personal information. So it is highly unlikely “they could do whatever they want.”March 7, 2011 9:23 pm at 9:23 pm #758204adorableParticipant
Yoyo- I have not posted in a while but i could not just skip this thread and not post. I am so happy to see that someone else in the world is going through the same exact situation that I am going through. I could have written your post for you and it would be my life story but it would be exactly the same! I am not completely “cured” yet but I will tell you some things that helped me get to here (it’s about 2 months since I walked into that store but I still think about him and am waiting for the day to come when I feel ready to go back in there and not have my eyes and ears looking all over….) The only difference was that I started talking to him also in a very casual way like hi and bye and i once told him something horrible that another guy in the store said to me and I wanted him to take care of it…It started so slowly and so innocently and before I knew it the whole thing spun out of control. I am so impressed with you that you can stop yourself before it goes too far. I think you should stop going into that store and just try to stay away from him in general. Remember that you might have given him some hints that you are the type he can talk to and not meant it while he took it the wrong way. Just stay away! I would love to know if we are talking about the same place…. Keep strong and in the zechus that you are doing the right thing you will be zoche to find your bashert very soon!
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