January 28, 2011 2:57 am at 2:57 am #594579tumid bsimchaMember
Why don’y boys walk a girl to their door after a date? They should at least get out of the car and walk her to her steps! There is nothing untznius about it at all. In my opinion opening the car door should come second after walking the girl to the door.January 28, 2011 3:04 am at 3:04 am #736088snapplegrlMember
dont agree- i think its uncomfortable and unneccesary.. say thank you and walk (run) out of the car.. but he forsure should wait till she gets in the house…..
dont need so many formal rules..January 28, 2011 3:06 am at 3:06 am #736089mikehall12382Member
let the bashing begin…..January 28, 2011 3:06 am at 3:06 am #736090doodle jumpParticipant
You mean they don’t?January 28, 2011 3:16 am at 3:16 am #736091deiyezoogerMember
whatever alls right it’s a matter of opionion.January 28, 2011 3:19 am at 3:19 am #736092
Ignorance of chivalry,perhaps?
Write an article,it can help a lot of people who WANT TO DO IT RIGHT,but just weren’t guided.January 28, 2011 3:21 am at 3:21 am #736093jewishgirl09Member
Right after my friend got engaged, she asked her chassan why some boys walk girls to the door and some don’t. He said it is simple if you like the girl you walk her to the door, if you are not interested in her you don’t.
that aside, I think it is proper etiquette to walk a girl to the door but if you don’t at least wait for her to get inside the house before pulling away or pulling out your cell phone.January 28, 2011 3:25 am at 3:25 am #736094
It has nothing to do with tznius, and I would be very upset to hear anyone be foolish enough to say otherwise. It has EVERYTHING to do with being ill-mannered, though. You take a girl out, kindly see her safely to her door, whether or not you plan to ask her out again. To not even get out of the car is to be an absolute bulvanish naar.January 28, 2011 3:49 am at 3:49 am #736095jewish sourceParticipant
Achorai ari velo achorai ishaJanuary 28, 2011 4:01 am at 4:01 am #736096NotABochurAnymoreParticipant
The reason is since usually the car is parked a bout 5 feet from where the steps are and it seems silly to get out and walk the 5 steps with little or no conversation and then turn back to get in the car. I do the walk usually anyway, but it feels really dumb.January 28, 2011 4:02 am at 4:02 am #736097yossi z.Member
Agreed (and I am a guy and would do it myself) one just sees certain things in society which offend and really aren’t nice (can’t you tell I was raised with an “out-of-town” attitude? Actually I wasn’t, I was raised in a family which emphasizes certain good middos and in a community which emphasizes others)January 28, 2011 4:05 am at 4:05 am #736098truth be toldMember
tumid bsimcha: You are correct. When people start dating they all do it. Its after suffering from PTDS (Post Traumatic Date Syndrome) that people stop.
By the same token that its proper for a guy to walk the girl back, so too, its proper for a girl not to lead a guy on. Guys who have been led on will not walk a girl back to her door if he thinks she may be playing the same game. Its too painful.
Consideration goes BOTH ways. Girls have just as many responsibilities as guys. When we understand that, we usually end up with very few complaints as we are busy focusing on our responsibilities.January 28, 2011 4:08 am at 4:08 am #736099stuck in brooklynMember
i hate both, and i’ve been doing it for a LONG time…January 28, 2011 4:44 am at 4:44 am #736100HealthParticipant
Hey, you have it easy. If the guy doesn’t walk you to the door, he gets crossed off the list. You don’t have to go out five times deciding only after the fifth time he’s not for you.January 28, 2011 5:02 am at 5:02 am #736101
I always did. I walked to the door and waited for her to open it, then said good night. I even got out of the car if we were breaking up.January 28, 2011 5:33 am at 5:33 am #736102chayav inish livisumayParticipant
tumid bsimcha- you must be a girl.
actually i think that it is a problem of tznius. many yeshiva guys wont even hold a door open for the girl when going into the restaurant because there is an inyan that the guy shouldnt walk behind the girl. rather they hold it open then they walk in and the girl walks in while the door is still open. Therefore it would be untznius to walk the girl to the door.January 28, 2011 6:05 am at 6:05 am #736103
chayav: you don’t need to walk behind her to the door. You can just walk her to the door.January 28, 2011 6:25 am at 6:25 am #736104Yanky123Member
Can we hear from the girls? Is it appreciated or not?January 28, 2011 6:36 am at 6:36 am #736105
I’ve had all scenarios:
– walking to the door
– walking to the steps
– walking to the walkway
– stepping out of the car
– staying in the car
I think all waited until I got inside though.January 28, 2011 6:36 am at 6:36 am #736106
“Can we hear from the girls? Is it appreciated or not?”
Yup, it’s appreciated.January 28, 2011 10:55 am at 10:55 am #736107NotABochurAnymoreParticipant
oomis and Health – Like I said, I do walk the girl to the door, but to make it the end of the world if the guy doesn’t (assuming, of course that he waits for the girl to get inside safely) is way too far. Perhaps she should wait a few dates and then bring it up as something that concerns her so that he has a chance to explain himself. I know there were things that bothered me about certain girls and that is exactly what I did. And you know something? I learned something from it and it gave me a new perspective. We have to stop making rules about things to “dump” someone over. A little flexibility here folks. It would be helpful for dating AND marriage.January 28, 2011 12:05 pm at 12:05 pm #736108
But Health,no one’s saying “tar and feather the guy”.
Were you ever with one of your own friends who did something ill-mannered?
Like,slurped his soup,or gave a huge belch?
You’re not DROPPING him for that,BUT IT’S STILL A TURN-OFF.
When you’re dating,you want to gain points,not lose ’em.
Girls,do you agree?January 28, 2011 1:33 pm at 1:33 pm #736109pet peeveMember
i agree with eclipse.
yes, its appreciated. its not a make it or break it. sometimes its a little awkward, its the gesture that counts. the fact that you are getting out of the car, walking her to the steps, even, is also good.January 28, 2011 2:25 pm at 2:25 pm #736110
I think it is not tznius to stay in the car.
If you walk her to the door, you walk beside her, like you have been doing the entire night.
If you stay in the car, you sit and watch her walk to the house.January 28, 2011 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm #736111mytakeMember
According to halacha one may NOT walk behind the girl, but you certainly may walk beside her. Either way, make sure to wait till she gets inside before you leave…just mentchlichkeit.January 28, 2011 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #736112shlishiMember
another major problem today is guys forgetting that it is only mentchlich for them to offer to hang up the girls coat on the coat rack in the restaurant, if there is no coat room attendant. it is very boorish for him not to.January 28, 2011 3:46 pm at 3:46 pm #736113s2021Member
i find that when a guy is very carefully chivalrous and the tzniyus is less than perfect i always feel it- and it feels uncomfortable. personally- if a guy omitted any door holding cuz he felt like it wasnt so tzniyus i wouldnt mind in the least..January 28, 2011 7:09 pm at 7:09 pm #736114
I honestly don’t understand why anyone would want to be walked to their door? Especially that people obviously feel very strongly about it. Can someone please explain?
To me it just seems awkward to get out of the car and walk 5 steps without anything to really say. I understand making sure that the girl gets in safely. That’s just basic mentchlichkeit for anyone you give a ride to.
and I think the whole concept comes from the very goyish and assur “kiss goodnight.” What else would be the reason?January 28, 2011 7:30 pm at 7:30 pm #736115veteranMember
Do you walk the babysitter to her door? Why is that different?January 28, 2011 8:07 pm at 8:07 pm #736116
It’s chivalrous…just do it! And it doesn’t have to be awkward…it’s a few steps…talk about what you would say right before she got out of the car had you not been walking her to the door.
I sure hope you treat a date differently than a babysitter!January 28, 2011 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #736117
1)I’m asking WHY is it chivalrous?
2) why do you(and not just you but seemingly a lot of people on this thread) care?
3)It’s much more awkward to make a whole big production out of saying G’night and Thank you, than it is to just say it when you are parked.January 28, 2011 8:31 pm at 8:31 pm #736118
There is no production. You simply double park, get out, walk to the door, and say, “good night”. Or good day, if it is day. Or, good shabbos, if it is friday afternoon. Or Merry edited
Also, you avoid the whole tznius problem of watching her walk to the door- which some of the usually right wing posters seem to not care about.January 28, 2011 8:31 pm at 8:31 pm #736119
1) It’s polite – makes a girl feel protected.
2) It shows that a guy cares. I wouldn’t dump a guy if he didn’t walk me to the door but he definitely gets points if he does.
3) What makes it more awkward? It’s not a big production. You just get out with her and as your walking say thanks and good night or finish up your conversation.January 28, 2011 8:58 pm at 8:58 pm #736120recovering_addictMember
What do you do if you’re out on a date and the girl slips on a patch of ice, do you let her fall or do you try to catch her?January 28, 2011 9:00 pm at 9:00 pm #736121
What do you do if you’re out on a date and the girl slips on a patch of ice, do you let her fall or do you try to catch her?
I would catch her. You can get really badly injured falling on ice.
But, once she fell, I would only offer to help her up, and not do so unless she wanted.January 28, 2011 9:14 pm at 9:14 pm #736122
1)I’m not trying to be argumentative but really trying to understand.
you don’t feel safe walking to your house which is 10 feet away? and I am in no way suggesting driving off-there is someone there.
do you walk around with an escort everywhere?
2) he might care-Just doesn’t know that you prefer it. There are definitely girls that I either don’t care or prefer it not to happen.
3)It wouldn’t be awkward if it was a long walk, but it’s like five seconds.January 28, 2011 9:40 pm at 9:40 pm #736123
1) I know. It sounds like we’re big babies but we like it 🙂
2) True. I also know that a lot of guys speak to their Rav about it and just follow what he says which is why I wouldn’t fault a guy if he doesn’t do it for me.
3) I don’t see why you think it’s awkward. Even if it’s 5 seconds what makes it more awkward than the last 5 seconds in the car?January 28, 2011 9:41 pm at 9:41 pm #736124
Reminds me of the story where a guy grabbed a girl back as she was about to step off the curb with a car speeding towards her. She dumped him for it.January 28, 2011 11:57 pm at 11:57 pm #736125mischiefmakerMember
“What do you do if you’re out on a date and the girl slips on a patch of ice, do you let her fall or do you try to catch her? “
all i could say is MORTIFYING. i truly hope it never happened to anyone! and i don’t know what i would do!!!
About walking to the door… in my opinion when you make a big deal about something it becomes a big deal chill out! so he didn’t walk you to the door.January 30, 2011 12:34 am at 12:34 am #736126
Bochur 24 (my son’s age), if a guy does not show good manners BEFORE getting married, it is a safe bet he won’t, afterwards. It is sad if a guy (I am not talking about you) does not on his own realize that it is proper, considerate, thoughtful, and simple menschlechkeit to get out of the car,walk a girl to her door and see her safely inside, even if it only ONE foot away from the car. But noch die tzi to try and JUSTIFY such boorishness??? Oy Vey!January 30, 2011 12:36 am at 12:36 am #736127
To let a girl fall and hurt herself is being a chosid shoiteh.January 30, 2011 1:11 am at 1:11 am #736128
It should; that was me.January 30, 2011 1:22 am at 1:22 am #736129
True. I also know that a lot of guys speak to their Rav about it and just follow what he says which is why I wouldn’t fault a guy if he doesn’t do it for me.”
So if someone’s Rov tells him to act boorishly, that would be acceptable behavior? I doubt a Rov would instruct his talmidim to show such a lack of middos tovos.Derech Eretz kadma l’Torah.January 30, 2011 1:37 am at 1:37 am #736130dbwcbbMember
as a girl in shidduchim, who has dated guys who have walked me to the door and guys who haven’t:
muchhh more awkward when the guys walks me to the door!I prefer saying goodbye in the car and then walking to my door as he waits to make sure I’ve gotten in. I usually turn around right before I get in and wave to let him know I’m in.January 30, 2011 1:38 am at 1:38 am #736131mw13Participant
It may be chivalrous for a boy to walk his date to her door, but that by no means makes somebody who doesn’t a “boor”, “ill-mannered”, “an absolute bulvanish naar”, etc. Really, it’s just not (or at least shouldn’t be) that big of a deal.
“To let a girl fall and hurt herself is being a chosid shoiteh.”
Debatable. The Gemara says that one who does not save a drowning woman is indeed a chasid shoteh, but that’s only because pikuach nefesh is dochah 610/613 of the mitzvos. However, a couples of scratches and bruises is not necessarily a good enough reason not be shomer negiah. (Note: As always, all halacha li’maseh shailos should be addressed to a competent possek.)January 30, 2011 1:44 am at 1:44 am #736132
Debatable. The Gemara says that one who does not save a drowning woman is indeed a chasid shoteh, but that’s only because pikuach nefesh is dochah 610/613 of the mitzvos.
In my opinion, that proves that the reason for the heter is NOT that she is going to die, since if there really was an issur here, you would be supposed to let her die.
Rather, the reason is that there is no issur since the contact is not derech chibah, but just to save her.January 30, 2011 1:56 am at 1:56 am #736133shlishiMember
its interesting that most girls here said they would be uncomfortable if the guy tried to walk her to the door. i think some of the women saying the guy should do it are just subscribing to this idea as a religion.January 30, 2011 2:08 am at 2:08 am #736134tumid bsimchaMember
Shlishi – I personally know many girls who like it whne the guy walks them to the door..maybe not the women in the CR but there are many others who do!January 30, 2011 2:18 am at 2:18 am #736135mw13Participant
“In my opinion, that proves that the reason for the heter is NOT that she is going to die, since if there really was an issur here, you would be supposed to let her die.”
Umm… no. Pikuach nefesh is docha every issur besides avoda zora, giluy arayos and shvichas dumim, remember?January 30, 2011 2:20 am at 2:20 am #736136
Yes, and if there is an issur here, it is gilui arayos.
Lo sikrivu is generally considered to be yehareg v’al yaavor.
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