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What age is the right age for a bochur to start dating?
14 or 46
Variations of this question have been debated ad nauseam on multiple prior threads. The consensus among the CR talemedi chachamim is at puberty, unless the parents are domiciled in Kentucky in which case a year or two earlier is OK in accordacne with minhag hamokom.
There was a poll on the main site
When it’s over you’ll have your answer
It really depends on many factors.
A. maturity
B. ability to bring in an income
C. Is he learning in yeshiva and being productive? Is he working?
D. societal norms (chasidishe, litvishe, amish etc.)
E. How meddling will his parents be in the process and drag it outIt is almost like asking at what age a person should retire.
Wow! חשוב!
I don’t think the editor ever commented on one of my threads!
Shemona Esre L’Chupa. That’s what Chazal say. It’s always smart to follow Chazal.
Shemona Esre means married by that age. Not starting to date. So I’d say start dating no later than age 17.
Why are we having polls and voting if the Gedolim have already spoken om this numerous times???
Yes we got the editor to comment! Any more questions to get them to comment on?
Maybe a poll that asks. Do you believe that Yeshiva World reports accurately?
I don’t think there’s one age that fits everyone.
There should be more education on what having your own home is like. How to be financially responsible, how to maintain a home, etc. That’s something which isn’t really taught in yeshivos, and I personally know many individuals who struggled with it right after getting married.
Start teaching those items, and then maybe boys will be ready for marriage earlier.Dear Ujm,
There is a sugya in Kidduhin with a bunch of opinions and statements. You seem so sure……
Perhaps the most significant acknowledgment in the survey question on the news site is the following:
“…. Specifically, bitter battles are raging – and have raged for years – over what, if anything, should be done to solve the shidduch crisis – IF ONE ACTUALLY EXISTS (that’s a disagreement in and of itself).
Kol hakovod to the editors for acknowledging reality even though it may not enhance the metrics for “engagement time” in the CR.There’s no set official age.
The correct age is when each bochur feels mature and responsible for marriage and everything it involves then he should start dating. Cause in truth Hashem already has his zivvug waiting for him from 40 days before he was even born.
You are halachicly obligated to get married by age 20 according to the Shulchan Aruch. Or, according to some shittos, by 24 if (AND ONLY IF) you are learning Torah full time.
It depends on if he drives a Tesla on Shabbos, watches torah on YouTube, is a safek mamzer.
For Litvishe bochurim 23 is typically the best age.
Dear Ujm,
That’s a lot better. Thank you! Just a little pointer. Learning full time is a more modern term. Some full time learners will be included and some part time learners may be excluded from this ruling. It’s questionable how weighty this ruling is, but it is black-on-white Shulchan Aruch.
Ujm
Pirkei avos says the correct proper age to get married is 18
What makes 23 the best age for litvishe bochrim to get married?
if you want to end the crisis let people get married to more than 1 wife.
If there is a heter to wait until 24 (I heard 25) if one is learning, then what is there to really argue about in regard to bochurim being required to get married earlier? A brochure is someone who by definition is learning. Unless it just means any young man, but here on yeshiva world I don’t think we classify such shkutzim as Jewish, let alone bochurim. Just to clarify, by we, I mean you.
Rambam suggests job -> house -> marriage unless you are a fool. I am sure someone will point out that this Rambam is also outdated.
When they’re mature enough to realize that this question shouldn’t be decided by annonomous rando’s on the internet
Dear Always,
Didn’t we do that one already? It’s fuzzy to me. I’ll bump it.
They tell a story that the Rebbe of Satmar Rav Yoel ztvk”l attended a wedding and the chosson appeared to be very young (and, I suppose, immature).
The Rebbe questioned the matter and they replied that when one is shiminesreh he should go to the chuppah.
The Rebbe, who was known for his quick, sharp, wit, said: True. But if someone davens a shiminesreh too fast, he has to repeat it chas veshalom!There was a question of the Satmar Rebbe above ztz’l, who should get maftir, the bar mitzva boy or the chasan? He said whoever is older.
So far the results are over 20% of the Yidden hold a bochor should be married before he’s 20 years old. And a majority hold that they should be married no later than 21 years old.
Joseph,
Where are you getting your fake numbers from?
This poll shows that over two-thirds of respondents feel that bachurim should not start dating before age 21. It doesn’t reveal anything about when people feel they should be married. Unlike your multiple wives, most people don’t marry the first desperate person they meet after a five minute zoom date.
Are you still claiming to be a self-taught nuclear engineer and chip designer who gives shiurim and answers halachic queries over the phone, when basic reading comprehension and veracity is obviously beyond you?
Lol @ joe
66% of respondents said 21+
You can look at a poll and make up whatever you want
Also, it is very important to remember that Chazal say to be married by (not to just start dating by) age 18. And actual obligatory Halacha is that you are required to be married by age 20. The only possible exception, and only if you’re learning Torah full time, some shittos will allow you to wait up to a mandatory maximum age of 24 to be married by.
Apologies. The poll is regarding the age to start dating, not necessarily being married by. So the comment should be that the results are over 20% of the Yidden hold a bochor should start dating by time he’s 19 years old. And a majority hold that they should start dating no later than by 21 years old.
Joseph,
So despite your ceaseless harping that bachurim must be married by no later than 18, actual parents and their Poskim don’t agree with you. It’s time to stop your immature trolling.
Name any real posek who ever said it’s okay to choose to not be married by age 24 for a Torah learner, or that it’s okay to choose to not be married by age 20 for a non-learner. Or that you don’t have to make every possible effort to be married before those ages.
Joseph,
So now you’re running away from your childish trolling of age 18?
Please name the widely-followed contemporary Litvish Poskim who say that a bachur must married by 18 and include attributed quotes.
The poll is not fully reflecting the options. I simply picked up the highest age because nothing higher was available.
The available choices may subtly influence the answers. For example, bike stores put a $1000 bike and others for $300. They really sell the $300 ones, but the buyers feel that they made a rational choice by avoiding the most expensive one.
Dofi: Do you consider Chazal and Pirkei Avos to be childish trolls? Or do you consider them to be a bunch of grumpy old men whose ideas are outdated?
Joseph,
Nope, just you. Do we wait until 15 to start learning Gemara nowadays?
After years of trolling you can’t answer the question so now you’re running scared from your own silly “psak”?
The only correct answer is after second seder.
The Rambam does not mention any age for one who is going to have to interrupt his learning.
Does the Rambam mention any age for one who is going to have to interrupt a lucrative education or interrupt competing a world tour?
The Rambam says someone who will have to interrupt his learning may delay marriage. Presumably, that means indefinitely.
What’s a lucrative education?
Of course we assume that the world tour isn’t bittul torah. So then marriage would be permitted if he has enough to provide for his wife until he returns. If he doesn’t he’ll marry upon his return. Whatever age that may be.
Dear Ujm,
When does the Rambam say a woman should</marry>?
n0, I don’t know whether Gemora mentions the age, maybe it does not bother as it is understood that the girls are interested in marriage and not distracted by books or jobs. But, the impression from various halochos related to marriage creates an impression that if by the bas mitzva the girl is still in the father’s house, it is time to say tehilim. This explains why nobody was clamoring for BY high schools at that time.
Dear Always,
Your impression is slightly off. And then your assumption is way off as girls stayed with their families until actual marriage that took place way after kiddushin.
there are also halochos when a girl can/needs to use birth control not to endanger her health when she is not yet ready for pregnancy. This is not an impression, pretty definite.
“way after” – up to a year. If the chassan is not ready by the day he committed, he is paying for her mezonos, so it is pretty sure that a pre-bas-mitzva girl will be in the shver’s house within a year.
Btw, you know it is not recommended to live with your wife’s parents – as her mother may be about your age … (Rav’s words, not mine)
Depends if dating a boy or agirl.
“Depends if dating a boy or a girl”
Avimi: I don’t think the survey was meant to include “toevah marriage” nor are most really interested in their marital demographcis. The historical perspective in all cultures has always been a union of man and a woman. Data show much wider age variations in same-gender unions but reminder that historically, one of the original drivers was for simple legal rights for access to a partner’s hospital room and medical care and estate planning.
In the context of this thread, also recall that beginning with Covid in 2020, many chassanahs were deferred, many who did mary lived at home with one set of parents and only in the past 6-9 months began looking for housing while rental prices have soared . All factors that likely skewed the data upwards.
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