Yehoishua@YeshivaKetana

In A Minefield You Need A Map

You feel that a young woman you recently met would be perfect for your nephew, although you can’t pinpoint exactly why. In fact, she is 5-foot-2 and your tall nephew has said he doesn’t want a short girl. She’s also from New York, and your nephew says he wants an out-of-towner.
However, she was at your Shabbos table and seemed very pleasant, mature and kindhearted.

Q:Should you suggest her?
A:We may suggest a shidduch without doing research; that’s the parties’ responsibility.
However, we should not suggest a match unless: We know of no reason why the relationship would harm either party; we believe that the match has a reasonable chance of resulting in an engagement; we know of no medical, emotional or character flaw that would make either party an unfit spouse; we feel that neither party will have a negative influence on the other, and neither party has a strong objection to any trait of the other.

The Cutting Edge

In Practice
I will choose one person with whom I tend to be sarcastic and work on communicating directly and sincerely instead.
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The Lesson:
Wow, you’re a ball of sunshine this morning,” the mother said to her sullen teenage daughter, who was eating her breakfast cereal in hostile silence.
“Oh, you’re just a genius, aren’t you,” the boss said acidly to his assistant, who had made a costly mistake.
“Nice job cleaning the playroom,” the mother told her children. “Soon it might be possible to see the floor.”
“You get an A plus for customer service,” the irate customer told the clerk who refused to accept her returned merchandise.
“How gentlemanly,” said the middle-aged woman to the young man who preceded her into the bank and let the door close in her face.
“You want me to treat you with the respect you deserve? Well, I do!” the man told his next-door neighbor.

All of these comments have two things in common. First, their meaning is the opposite of what it seems to be. Secondly, the people on the receiving end of these comments will end up feeling either foolish or angry. What they will not feel is repentant.

Sarcasm is a form of ona’as devarim that comes in a thin disguise, for the words used in a sarcastic comment are often, taken at face value, either neutral or positive. However, the circumstances and tone of voice supply what the simple meaning of the words does not. In addition, most sarcasm conveys a level of disdain that would be absent from the same criticism stated directly.
For instance, the mother could tell her children, “Look, there are still lots of toys on the floor. It isn’t clean until everything is put away.” They might not like hearing the criticism, but they would not feel demeaned by it. They would simply understand that they had not performed up to par, and were expected to do better.

In some cases, people use sarcasm as a way of veiling their displeasure, imagining that a bit of ironic humor will convey the message less painfully. For instance, a teacher might think it preferable to ask an unfocused child, “How are things in outer space?” than to say, “Shimon, pay attention to the work!” In reality, however, the latter comment gives the child direct instructions that he can implement, while the former simply ridicules his personality.

A person who uses sarcasm often does so because he fears the consequences of direct communication. The problem with this approach, however, is that it projects tremendous negativity toward the recipient of the comment. If someone cannot accept criticism, it is usually preferable to say nothing or wait for an opportune time to speak sincerely.

Another motivation for sarcasm is the humor many people find in ironic comments. Clearly, however, the mitzvah of ona’as devarim precludes us from causing others pain for our own or others’ amusement. With rare exception, the sharp comment is a dangerous weapon. It cuts and wounds, but is nowhere near as powerful as a direct, softly and carefully stated comment, in conveying the message one really wishes to convey.

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM

Day 32 – Non Kosher Entertainment

It is forbidden to relate a story for entertainment purposes only, if it contains derogatory or harmful information.

To relate an amusing incident that would cause embarrassment to any of the people involved if told in their presence constitutes speaking loshon hora. Many a humorous situation is actually quite painful to the person involved.

SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON

Peace is Precious

Sefer Ma’alos HaMiddos (24) states:

Know, my son, that peace is an exalted quality, for it [Peace] is one of the Names of God … Wherever
peace is found, fear of God is found; wherever peace is lacking, fear of God is lacking.

Our Sages state: Peace is precious, for God altered the truth for the sake of peace between Avraham and Sarah. Sarah [in expressing disbelief that she would yet bear a child] said, “And my master [Avraham] is old” (Bereishis 18:12), but Hashem [in relating her statement to Avraham] said, “And I [Sarah] am old” (ibid. v. 13).

After Yaakov died, the brothers sent Yosef a message: “Your father gave orders before his death,saying, ‘Thus shall you say to Yosef: O please, kindly forgive the spiteful deed of your brothers…’” (ibid. 50:16). We do not find any indication in the Torah that Yaakov did, in fact, give such instructions, for he did not suspect Yosef [of bearing any ill will toward his brothers. Yet the brothers, out of fear that Yosef had not forgiven them, altered the truth for the sake of peace].

Peace is precious, for in times of war, we must first seek peace, as it is written: “When you draw near to a city to wage war against it, you shall call out to it for peace” (Devarim 20:10).

Peace is precious, for it is with the blessing of peace that we conclude Bircas Kohanim (The Priestly Blessing), as it is written, “… and [may Hashem] establish peace for you” (Bamidbar 6:26).

Peace is precious, for it is with a request for peace that we conclude our daily prayer [i.e. the Shemoneh Esrei], as is derived from the verse: “HASHEM will give might to His people, HASHEM will bless His people with peace” (Tehillim 29:18).

Moreover, on the great day of consolation at the End of Days, the first good tidings will be of peace, as it is written, “How beautiful ascending the mountains are the footsteps of the herald, making heard, ‘Peace!’” (Yeshayahu 52:7).

Second-Level Rechilus
One Small Step:
I know that I care about my relatives and would be very upset to hear that someone said anything bad about them. Today I will reflect on the fact that we are all relatives.
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The Lesson:
Until this point, we have dealt with what we will call “first-level rechilus,” where Reuven talks negatively about Shimon to Levi, who reports this conversation to Shimon.

The Chofetz Chaim now discusses “second-level rechilus,” where the subject of the rechilus, in this case Shimon, goes back to Reuven and confronts him concerning the negative remarks he allegedly said. “Levi told me that you said some very nasty things about me!” With this action, Shimon himself has spoken rechilus, for by telling Reuven of Levi’s report to him, Shimon has caused Reuven to be upset with Levi.

The Chofetz Chaim laments the fact that unfortunately this form of rechilus is all too common.

The Chofetz Chaim adds that even if Shimon were not to mention Levi’s name when confronting Reuven with the report, he would be guilty of rechilus if Reuven could deduce on his own that Levi was the culprit.

Furthermore, if Levi were to report this story not to Shimon but to Shimon’s family, he would be equally guilty. It is natural for people to take offense when they hear that negative remarks have been said about their relatives.

Finally, the Chofetz Chaim informs us that it is even rechilus for Levi to tell Yehudah that Reuven has spoken badly of Shimon. As we know all too well, such reports often find their way to the subject, and ill will is the result. In addition, says the Chofetz Chaim, to inform someone that one Jew has spoken negatively of another is to speak loshon hora

GET THE HINT?

In Practice
If I am about to hint a negative message, I will instead phrase my opinion in an informative, positive way.
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The Lesson:
Eleven-year-old Shimon and 9-year-old Reuven labored together in the backyard of their house, raking up the masses of crunchy brown leaves that carpeted the lawn. There were many places Reuven would rather have been at that moment, and therefore, he worked without much enthusiasm. It seemed clear to Shimon that his younger brother hoped to get away with doing as little as possible.

“I once heard of a kid who was so lazy, he hired his little brother to carry his books to school for him,” Shimon informed Reuven.

“I am not lazy. I’m tired!” Reuven protested. “And you better not say one more word to me or I’m not helping at all!”

“I didn’t say you were lazy,” Shimon responded with what seemed like disbelief that his brother could have judged him so harshly. “I just said I heard about a boy who was lazy. But you know what they say … ‘If the shoe fits, wear it.’”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Reuven accused.

“It means whatever you think it means,” Shimon answered. His younger brother seemed ready to burst with frustration. He knew he was being criticized, but he couldn’t pinpoint the insult well enough to fight back.

When a person criticizes another person by hint, insinuation, allegedly unrelated quotes of other people or of well-known sayings, he delivers a stealth attack that is not only damaging, but also, difficult to counter. Telling a child “I’m sure I’ve seen people take longer to do their homework, but I can’t remember when,” is not any less insulting than saying, “You’re so slow!”

Using “wise sayings” to put another person down is especially insidious, because the victim’s sense is that his actions not only run counter to what his critic desires, but they run against common wisdom as well. Furthermore, the victim cannot argue with the statement.

For instance, a person who is embroiled in a dispute with another person, even if he contributed to the development of the dispute, does not benefit by hearing, “You know what they say … we reap what we sow.” Such a statement only makes him feel that he is a negative person who generates negative energy. Using quotes to hint at one’s displeasure or even one’s constructive criticism of another person is rarely perceived as an effort to help the person make positive changes. Rather it is seen as what it often is: the desire to assert one’s sense of superiority at another person’s expense.
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Edited

Answer to ‘What did you say about My Rebbi’:

A:You may not do so. Getting involved in the disputes that arise between Torah scholars leads only to loshon hora and machlokes.
One of the most dangerous delusions people have is that they are fighting for a Torah ideal, when in fact they are fighting for ego and pride. Scholars can differ without personal animosity, yet those who carry their banners often turn constructive difference into destructive battles.

What Did You Say About My Rebbi
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Rabbi A., head of your son’s yeshivah, believes the boys should learn to translate the Chumash into Yiddish as well as English. A new yeshivah opens up headed by Rabbi B., who believes in bypassing Yiddish, going straight into English. Parents in your school begin clamoring for Rabbi A. to follow suit.
You are furious at their audacity in challenging the principal, who is highly respected and experienced. Rabbi B., on the other hand, already has one failed school on his record.

Q:May you discredit him in your effort to support your principal?

(It’s sefirah time when, as we count the days to Matan Torah, we mourn the loss of Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 talmidim. Chazal tell us that a lack of kavod among the talmidim was the cause of this calamity. So as we count each day, let us focus on preparing ourselves for Matan Torah by improving in the mitzvos bein adam lachaveiro. And a great way to ensure that each day that we count is a day of growth in this area is to learn on each day two halachos of Shmiras Haloshon Yomi. Come join us on this journey to Kabbalas HaTorah, and may we arrive together, k’ish echad b’lev echad!

L’zecher Nishmas Berel ben Hirsh. Dedicated by his children Dr. and Mrs. Reuven Shanik.)

BEWARE THE UNDERTONE
In Practice:
If I have the habit of muttering under my breath when I am upset, I will take notice of this habit and try to channel my frustration more productively.
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The Lesson:
Zev and Miriam were facing one of the most difficult situations that had arisen in their 20 years of marriage. They had lived in Israel since they were wed, and had been raising their children in an environment they truly loved. However, Zev’s company had closed down six months earlier, and all his efforts to find new employment had thus far proved futile. The couple was beginning to despair when suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, Zev received a lucrative job offer … in America.

Zev wanted to go. Miriam felt it would be devastating to their children and inconsistent with their vision for their family. Zev felt reality came before vision. They tried to keep their discussions of the matter calm and productive, but Miriam, the more outspoken of the two, tended to dominate the discussions. Zev would walk away shaking his head and muttering softly under his breath.

“What are you saying?” his wife would demand. “Say it to me! Whatever you’re saying, say it to me so we can have a discussion.”

“It’s nothing, nothing, I’m just talking to myself,” he finally replied. Throughout their arguments and debates on their family’s next move, the muttering continued, serving as a release valve for Zev, but a detonator for Miriam.

Well aware of the impact of angry words, Zev used his muttering to say what was on his mind but avoid direct accusations and conflict. He thought he was taking the high road, restricting his volume to an inaudible level even though he was not capable of restraining the words themselves, or better yet, working through his anger with his wife.

From Miriam’s point of view, however, the muttering itself was ona’as devarim, regardless of what words were actually being muttered. She clearly perceived that it represented anger, or at the very least, sharp disagreement. She also understood that her husband obviously felt the words were too hurtful to say to her face. Knowing that he thought these angry thoughts was discomforting, and all the more so because she was not being allowed to hear and respond to them.

This of course does not mean that it is preferable for one to shout his hurtful statements. It simply means that one should not fool oneself into thinking that just because the other person doesn’t hear what’s being said, he or she is not hurt by it. In fact, the other person may be more deeply upset by the muttering, because he might assume that the muttered comments are far worse than they actually are.

The real solution is to learn basic assertiveness: how to present one’s own point of view with clarity, calm and firmness, even in the face of opposition. In this way, disagreements can be productive. Each side can present his perspective and respond to the other person’s comments without having to suffer a stealth attack of words that he cannot hear, and that do nothing to move the discussion forward
Dedications and Sponsorships
Do you know someone who needs a refuah shleima? A shidduch? Or perhaps a meaningful yahrtzeit is approaching? As a merit for a recovery from illness or for a departed family member you can sponsor a daily email and have over 8,000 people, every day, learn and be inspired as a z’chus for your loved one. To sponsor a daily email visit https://cchf.global/donate/

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