Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
A police officer stops a blond woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
A disheveled man was standing on a busy city corner. With open palms toward the sky he yells out give me a sign, I just need a sign.
The manager of a pizza restaurant walks out and hands the man a sign. He says just wave it at the passing cars!
A family enters a large store. After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter. It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two birds. The Momma bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
I asked my friend , “What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?”
He said “You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.”
I asked “Can you explain?”
He said “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other’s decisions.”
Still not convinced, i asked him “Give me some examples”.
He said “Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it ”
I asked “Then, what is your role?”
He said “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether Bodoland should be formed or not, whether Dhoni should retire from Cricket , Whom should Salman Khan Marry. etc etc. and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions…
A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, “We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s.”
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, “Just the four of you?”
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The rest are already there!”
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, “We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.” As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!” With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
A man was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading. After the man read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all that it says here?”
The agent said, “You most certainly have… why do you ask?”
The man replied, “Cancel the sale, this house is too good to part with!”
Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he leaned back and immediately fell asleep. About an hour later he was awakened by a knock on the window.
“Can you spare a dime?” asked a homeless man. Even though he was slightly perturbed, Ben reached into his pocket and handed him a dollar. Once again he settled back for a nap. A half hour later, he was again awakened by a knock on the window.
“Brother, can you be so kind to give me a little change?”, begged another wayfarer.
More than a little perturbed this time, he throws a dollar at the man and angrily closes his window. Ben then takes out a piece of paper and writes on it, ‘I don’t have any money!’ He sticks it on his windshield and settles back again for a much needed rest. Quickly falling soundly asleep, he was nonetheless awakened by another furious rap on his window. Rolling it down, he saw yet another homeless man. “What do YOU want?” Ben yelled.
“I saw the sign on your windshield,” the man began, “and since I’ve been having a pretty good night panhandling, I thought I’d give you a couple of bucks to get you back on your feet.”
A guy goes to the post office to report that his wife is lost. The Postmaster advises him to report it the police.
The man says,” Last time she was lost I reported it to the Police and they brought her back promptly. I’m not taking any chances this time!”
If Your Following Me We’re Both Lost
I was never a real lurker
someone told me about the jokes-thread
& as soon I finished all 38 pages I started posting my own
a round shape is called a sphere
york (england)
There are many non-muslims from all over the west flocking to join ISIS
think “Jihadi John”
It seems that everyone is a bit confused here & doen’t relize that the Oberlanders were not influenced by anyone it is we who brought forth all of these beautiful minhagim & later on the Yekkes & Chasidim & even the Litvaks “borrowed” some of these from us.
A proud Oberlander
An 85 year old woman comes to court because she shoplifted a can of peaches. The judge, feeling bad for her asks her how many peaches were in the can.
“Just six” she replied.
The judge says “I’ll just sentence you to 6 days in jail, one day for each peach you stole.”
The judge then turns to her husband and asks if there is anything he wants to say on his wife’s behalf.
The old man replies “she also stole a can of peas.”
A man named Irving goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi.
“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
“What’s wrong?” Asked the Rabbi
Irving replied, “I think my wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
Irving pleads, “I’m telling you Rabbi, I’m certain she’s poisoning me! What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls Irving and says, “Well, I have spoken to your wife – I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
Irving anxiously responds, “Yes.”
“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only three people show up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be Head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor says, “That is very impressive!”
The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in four pieces. “That is really impressive.”
The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor asks in disappointment, “Why is the fly not dead?” The Jewish Samurai replies, “What? circumcision isn’t fatal!”
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.
The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
“Yes,” replied the Chinese, “Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too.”
The Jewish man replied, “Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.”
The Chinese man was incredulous, “That’s impossible,” he replied.
“Where did your people eat for a thousand years?
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States — the first Jewish boy to reach the White House. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I’ve just been elected president. Won’t you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can’t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! The President’s mother is not going to take the train! Air Force One will pick you up. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please…
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. Please come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s to make you look perfect. You must come!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
When Inauguration day comes, the President’s mother is seated in the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to be sworn in as the next President of the United States. His mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, “Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!”
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer says, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” He then says to the police officer, “No, officer; I was not gambling.”
The officer then asks the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
After an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer; I was not gambling.”
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks, “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies, “With whom?”
An American Indian comes back to the Reservation to visit with his parents after spending some time in New York. He says to his father that he’s fallen in love with a nice Jewish girl. His father is mortified and says, “You’re betraying your heritage and you’ll break your mother’s heart that you’re not marrying a nice Indian girl. You know how Jews are, they’ll feel the same way and you’ll be ostracized in both camps.”
The son reassures his father, “Don’t worry. They must have already accepted the situation because they have already given their daughter an Indian name.”
“Really?” says the father. “What name?”
The son answers, “Sitting Shiva.”
An elderly Jewish man was called to testify in court.
“How old are you?” asked the District Attorney.
“I am, kayn aynhoreh, 81.”
“What was that?”
“I said I am, kayn aynhoreh, 81 years old.”
“Just answer the question!” yelled the DA, “How old are you!?”
” Kayn aynhoreh, 81,” the old man replied.
The judge said, “The witness will answer the question and only the question or be held in contempt of court!”
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, “Your Honor, may I ask?” He turned towards the old man and said, ” Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?”
The old man replied, “Eighty-one.”
Leah Epstein invites some family and friends to dinner and at the table, she turns to her 6 year old daughter Rivkah and says, “Darling, don’t forget to make a bracha (blessing).”
“But Mommy, I don’t know what bracha to say,” replies Rivkah.
“All you need do,” says Leah, “is to repeat what you heard Mommy say.”
Rivkah thinks for a moment and says, “God, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
Moishe Mandelbaum was fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The head of the monastery warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which Moishe replied, “No problem. Anyway, I’m sick of talking.”
Ten years went by, and the head of the monastery called for Moishe. He told him that he was a model resident and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, Moishe nodded and said, “Food cold.”
Moishe was sent on his way. Ten years later, Moishe was brought before the head of the monastery again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. Moishe said, “Bed hard,” and was sent back to work.
Another ten years went by, and again Moishe was called in for an audience, and he was allowed another two words. Moishe nodded and said, “I quit.”
To this, the head of the monastery replied in a disgusted tone, “Doesn’t surprise me. Moishe Mandelbaum, ever since you got here, you’ve done nothing but complain.”
David Rosenberg, a collector of rare Jewish books ran into an old acquaintance named Chaim Yankel who told him he had just thrown away an old Hebrew Bible that he found in a dusty, old box.
David and Betty Goldstein were backpacking around Israel for the summer. One day they went for a hike and started getting hungry and spotted a small restaurant on the side of the road.
Moishe Miller was having some trouble in Hebrew class.
To encourage him, his teacher Mrs. Shalva said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in Hebrew.”
One day, Moishe ran into class all excited, saying, “Mrs. Shalva! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in Hebrew!”
“Great!” said Mrs. Shalva. “What were they saying?”
“I don’t know,” Moishe replied; “I couldn’t understand them.”
Rachel Epstein was working in the kitchen listening to her young son Little Moishe playing with his new electric train in the living room that his Bubby and Zaidy just bought him. Rachel heard the train stop and Little Moishe said, “All of you sons of guns who want off, get the heck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns who are getting on, get your behinds in the train, ’cause we’re going down the tracks.”
Rachel was shocked. “Moishe! We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, Little Moishe came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and Rachel heard Little Moishe say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” Rachel hears Little Moishe continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As Rachel began to smile, Little Moishe added, “For those of you who are annoyed about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the bossy lady in the kitchen.”
Sid Schwartz is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons.
“So,” he says to them, “Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.
“Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.
“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Sid slips away, she says, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
Sarah replies, “Property? The schlemiel had a paper route!”
During a pre-training exercise, a pilot in the Israeli Air Force approached the hangar in which his plane was being kept to perform some routine checks on his plane. Dudu, from Air Force security, stopped the pilot and asked to see his identification.
“I don’t see why I have to show you my ID,” the pilot snapped. “After all, it is my plane.”
“That may be true,” replied Dudu, “but it’s sitting in my garage!”
A group of senior IDF military officers were being given a tour at a new high tech military intelligence facility. Itzik, the intelligence officer hosting the tour said the computers in the facility were so secure that they were able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, Itzik saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, “There’s no drinking in this room! You have to get rid of that coffee.”
Startled, the senior officer said, “OK, but why?”
“Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboards!”
Rachel and Jacob Lowenthal had unfortunately been trying for a child for many years. One morning, Rachel woke up very early, took a home pregnancy test, and found out that she was expecting.
“Jacob!” she yelled to her husband, “we’re going to have a baby!”
“Great,” Jacob said and rolled over.
“How can you go back to sleep?” Rachel asked incredulously.
Muttering into his pillow, Jacob said, “I’m stocking up.”
Chaim Yankel is sitting alone at Yitz’s Deli when in walks his friend Moshe who takes one look at Chaim Yankel and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” said Chaim Yankel, “my wife asked me that famous question women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home.”
“What kind of question?” asked Moshe.
“She asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, wrinkly and has gained weight.”
“That’s easy,” said Moshe. “You just say, ‘Of course I will.'”
“Yeah,” said Chaim Yankel , “that’s what I meant to say, except I said, ‘Of course I DO…'”
Moshe and Miriam got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Miriam absolutely crazy, and that was that no matter how many times she told Moshe how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.
Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Moshe locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Moshe. Moshe was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock. Miriam was livid!
Morris realizes that he needs a hearing aid so he goes to Yitzchak’s Hearing Emporium to see what his options are.
“How much do they cost?” Morris asks Yitzchak.
“That depends,” Yitzchak says. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.”
“Let’s see the $2.00 model,” says Morris.
Yitzchak puts the device around Morris’ neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructs.
“How does it work?” asks Morris.
“For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” Yitzchak replies. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”
Back in Poland, in the shtetl, Rabbi Felder Sees a young farmer Struggling to reload cart that had lost its load of hay.
“You look hot, young man,” Said the rabbi. “Why don’t you rest a moment And Then I’ll give you a hand?”
“No, thanks,” Said the young boy. “My Father Would not like it.”
“Do not be silly,” the rabbi said. “Everyone is Entitled to a break. Come, have a drink of water. & Rest in the shade.”
Again the young man protested. “Oh, no, Rabbi. My Father Would Be real mad!”
Losing His patience Said the rabbi, “Your father must be a real slave driver Tell Me Where I can find him. I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
The young farmer Replied, “He’s right there under That pile of hay!”
Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda, Were sitting on a bench in Central Park Having a serious conversation.
“Gertrude,” Said Zelda, “I do not understand something. I have simply no appetite Lately. No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite.”
Gertrude Said, “Listen Zelda, my doctor, the lovely Doctor Myers ounce Told Me That if I did not-have an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before meals and i would soon get an appetite. I tried it and it Was true. So take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and you’ll see, you’ll Develop an appetite. ”
A few days later the two meet again in the park.
“Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? Did the herring give you an appetite?”
Zelda sighed, “I Took your advice. First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance so I ate six herrings.But Gertrude, your advice did not work for me. Would you believe, When lunch time cam, i had absolutely no appetite! “
A blonde looks across the river & sees another blonde
blonde#1: how’d you get to the other side
blonde#2: your on the other side
Julius ceasar walks into a bar
“I’d like a martinus please”
The bartender says
“you mean amartini”
to which he responds
“If I wanted two I would have asked for two”