Forum Replies Created
Shein, two posts four years apart does not, I think, make me a professional campaigner for singles’ rights. I think I’ve worked a bit harder than that in “changing my status.”
Wiy, not a bad idea. I’ll think about who a good person would be to ask.
Haifagirl, I do make my own meals. But it is just lonely!!
This is resurrecting an old post. Except instead of being a single in my early 30s, I’m still single–but not in my early 30s. Having just spent a yom tov in which I was invited out for some meals but was alone for others, I’m renewing my plea to invite singles.
And I’ll also renew my plea to treat singles like adults. For one of the meals where I was invited out, I was the only adult seated at the kids’ table. The oldest was maybe 11 years old. I wasn’t sure if I was invited to be a babysitter or what, but I am a grown adult. I felt like just going home and eating chocolate.
I won’t recap the whole original post. But 4 years later, it is all still true.
I am in my mid-30s and fully support myself. So why is it acceptable for 25-year-old married people I used to babysit for (and whose parents are supporting them, so they are definitely somech al shulchan avihem) to still refer to me as a girl?
I would agree with maturity levels being part (but only part) of the reason behind the shidduch crisis. I went to college and got a good job. The guys around my age when I was 22 or 23 acted like I was in high school. They seemed rather immature.
http://www.shamash.org/kosher is a great resource for kosher places around the world.
A related question…. I am single and live alone. Several times recently, meshulachim have come to my apartment when I was already dressed for bed. If there is a knock, I ask who it is, and if it is a meshulach, I say that I cannot open the door at this time. Most of the time they leave, bit sometimes they are very insistent that I open the door! This can be as late as 10pm. One pair of gentlemen continued knocking for about 15 minutes and was yelling in Yiddish and scared me. I called a (male married) neighbor who came over and spoke to the meshulachim. But was I supposed to open the door? Even when I am not dressed for bed, I still do not feel comfortable opening the door at night. Am I supposed to anyway? Thanks!
No, they don’t need to be sure it will work, but some of these ideas are just so out there. For example the guy that I saw hit his mother, and the one who is more than 30 years older than I am. If I was being unreasonable or if there was a reason why I should reconsider my “no” answer, that’s fine. But when I get this type of call, I can tell that there’s no reason why she’s setting up him with me other than the fact that we are both single. It tells me that no thought at all was put into this. Many shadchanim will tell you to just go on one date. But there is such an emotional (and often financial) investment that goes into this. And the more time you end up going out only one time, the more frustrating and difficult it all becomes. If there’s no chance that it will go anywhere (such as with the two cases I mentioned, but there have been others as well), what is the purpose?
From this 30-something single….
It could be how you approach it. As oomis says, some shadchanim push an idea, even if you keep saying it’s not for you. I have been redt to someone over 30 years my senior! When I thanked the person for thinking of me but said that I was looking for someone a little closer to my age, I was told that I need to stop being so picky. The shadchan told me to think about it and call back. I didn’t call back on that occasion. (I thought that the fact that he was older than my father was not being picky.)
Another time, it was someone who I knew (the brother of a high school friend). I know of some serious issues he has (I saw him punch his mother in the face when I was visiting his sister!). The shadchan would not take no for an answer. He then called my mother and complained that I was turning down “a gem.” My mother had no idea of the conversation we’d just had (and of the details of my friend’s brother–she knows my friend and thinks she’s a wonderful person) and called me right away very upset that I had said no. I didn’t want to tell her all the details, but she finally accepted that I knew things about him from spending time at my friend’s house. But the shadchan kept on calling me, so I finally stopped returning the calls.
I thank everyone who thinks of someone, but I especially thank those who have some rationale behind setting me up (rather than “they’re both single, so it’ll be perfect!”). And if I have a good reason for saying thanks but no thanks, please respect that.
I am not attributing my being single to any people. And this kind of branched off from the original intent of my post which was to just ask that singles be treated as a part of the frum community at large, rather than being in limbo between childhood and adulthood, regardless of their age. intellegent had asked what things to say or not say. I said (and will repeat again): treat us like the regular people we are who just happen to be single.
There is the inyan of ona-as devarim. And lashon hara. Both of which show that words can hurt. I don’t think that I nurse grudges against people who say insensitive things. But when things are said, they can hurt at that moment. intellegent asked what things could help minimize that hurt/pain, so those are the kinds of things that chaimdovid and I mentioned.
chaimdovid and intellegent: I completely agree with you. It’s one thing for a close friend to ask more personal questions–but only if they’re good friends and feel out if you even want to talk about the subject. If they know how you feel, they can help you talk things out. But it really bothers me when it’s the first thing I’m asked by perfect strangers. First of all, I don’t know them, so why are they asking me something that’s so personal that they can be sure has been brought up by parents and close friends multiple times? And it also implies that it’s the most important and first thing thing they see about me. If you are asking for a constructive reason (you may have a shidduch in mind, etc.), that’s fine, but if you’re asking because you just want to know, please don’t. We know we are single, as we’ve been doing our hishtadlus to try to change that fact.
And about shidduchim in general…. People often tell “older” singles that they are being picky. Part of the reason that is is because the people who are redt to us are sometimes simply, “Single guy, single girl, they’d be perfect.” Am I being picky for not wanting to go on a date with someone 30+ years my senior?? I was told that I was. Or the best was when I was redt to someone from another country who did not speak English or Hebrew, and I was told by the shadchan that then we would have no communication problems because we would not be able to communicate! Is this being picky? I was told it was. All it says is that (especially if this is a shadchan who also doesn’t know you/your family) hopes that if they make enough crazy shidduchim that maybe one will work so they will get paid. It is not fair to either party. If we would go out, there are expenses that are paid on a first date (travel, etc.), as well as an afternoon or evening wasted on what you may know was not a good reason to redt a shidduch. Plus, the more “bad” dates (which often happen because the shadchanim are not doing their jobs), the harder it gets to make yourself go on future dates. I used to be so optimistic before dates, but it’s getting harder and harder to have a positive attitude beforehand. Have a reason to set two people up rather than simply that they’re both single.
And to parents of singles: Yes, we know we are single. We don’t need to hear it all the time. I do not want to be disrespecful to my parents and tell them how much they are hurting me because it would hurt them probably to hear it from me. So I am saying this from this forum (and I have no idea if my parents will see this, and if they do, they will now know it’s their daughter because there are a lot out there in the same parsha) because I’m sure there are parents of singles out there reading it, so please think about if your daughters (and single sons) may feel the same way. I know they want to see me married. I want to see me married, too. But I do not need to be reminded every time we talk or you see me. I love you, and I know you are saying these things because you love me. But please see me as your daughter who has (I think) some good things about me and that there is more to me than just being The Single Daughter. I’ve tried so hard to be a good daughter from the time I was a small child, but it seems like the one thing I’ve done wrong (even though I’ve tried to do it right) is the one thing that sticks out in your mind.
burich: Why wouldn’t they talk about their husbands and kids? They’re a big part of their lives. It would be weird if they DIDN’T talk about them. Talk about other things as well, but don’t tiptoe around the largest part of your life!
intelligent: Why would anyone be offended by an invitation? Don’t phrase the invitation as, “You’re single, so you must be lonely, so why don’t you come for a meal this Shabbos.” Instead, just say, “We’d love to have you this Shabbos lunch. Would you like to come?”. Don’t just cold-call people you don’t know unless you can give a good reason–like that you heard the person has an interest that’s similar to yours or something similar. Of course, I’m only speaking for myself here!
As for the right thing to say in other situations, singles are people, too. Just talk to me like I’m a regular person. Don’t dwell on my singleness. I have other things on my life to talk about as well. If you have a shidduch idea, ask what I’m looking for, but don’t do it on front of a bunch of random people. I find that very embarassing.
One thing not to say–at chasunahs, don’t concentrate on my singleness. I am very happy for the kallah. Don’t ask me if it’s hard. If it is, you are making it harder. If it isn’t, you may have just made it hard. I’ve been at younger siblings’ and cousins’ weddings when people have come up to me, give me a big hug, and say something awful, like, “I am sure you wish that were you.” No, I am happy for the kallah. But I don’t need my singleness (i.e. my differentness) to be called out to everyone in the general vicinity.