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Why is it that in Israel there is a option to keep two days Purim and only one day Yom Tov?
Because When Hashem asked the Jews of Israel if they want one or two days Yom Tov, they asked, “What are we supposed to do on Yom Tov?”
Hashem answered: “Make seudos -eat meals” They said “We can’t afford to buy so much food. We”ll take one day”
When Hashem asked them how many days Purim they want. They asked, “What do you do on Purim?
Hashem answered: “You go around and collect money.”
The Israeli Jews said: Collect Money??! Great! We”ll take two days!
Little Shmueli Sharfman was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things. “Mommy, why does Abba have so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“Well, he thinks a lot,” replied his Mrs. Sharfman, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
When the man finally left, the next person in line, a tourist from Canada, said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”
The El Al agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”
At his 103rd birthday party, Zadie Herman Rosenbaum was asked by his great grandson Shmueli if he planned to be around for his 104th.
“I certainly do Shmueli,” Zadie Herman replied. “As a matter of fact, statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”
“Honey,” Miriam replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”
“Mr. Feldman, please give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them,” said the agent.
“Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.
“Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that man!”
“Speaking,” said Irv.
Whenever Myrna Adler went to the doctor, she would complain about the long delays she always endured.
One day, after a long wait, her name was finally called and she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today Mrs. Adler,” said the nurse.
Without a moment’s hesitation, Myrna replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”
A blonde walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I’m horribly sick!”
The doctor looks at her and asks, “Flu?”
“No, I drove here.”
Mrs Katz, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ”sleeping”. She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ”Your dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ”Your dog is dead”.
She was like ”Ok, how much do I owe you?”
The doctor said ”$300”
She said, ”What!?!? How could it cost that much??”
He said If you would have taken my word it would have only been”$15 for me to say he was dead.
The additional $285 was for the cat scan”
Moishe Finkelstein sent to his son’s Rebbe Mishloach manos. Included was a envelope with ten crumpled single dollar bills with a note that had a quote from the megillah
…”?????? ???? ??? ????? ??????”
The boy’s Rebbe read the note and sent back some Mishloach manos. Included was the same envelope with the ten crumpled bills and a note that read,
…..???? ????? ????? ??????? ????? ??? ??? ???? ????
Q: How do we know there were telephones in Shushan?
A: Achashveirosh gave Haman a ring, then hung him up.
Moishe and David were in third grade, were best friends, and were go getters. They decided to start selling candy bars out front of a local grocery store to make a little side money. One day as they were selling, an older woman walked by their booth and smiled at their pitch.
She bought a chocolate bar, and handed the candy back to Moishe. He shook his head as he placed the chocolate bar back into his merchandise display. “I can’t,” he said.
“Why not?” the old lady
Looking the lady in the eye, Moishe responded gravely, “I’m not supposed to take candy from strangers.”
“Do you know how to work this thing?” Mr. Graham asked Sam. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, of course, sir,” said Sam, who turned on the machine, while he took the paper from the senior partner, and fed it in.
“Thank you, son,” said Mr. Graham, “I just need one copy…..”
While making the rounds at Hadassah Hospital, Dr. Cohen points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Chaim Yankel, what would you do in a case like this?”
Chaim Yankel ponders for a second and answers, “I guess I’d limp, too.”
He approached one of the sales clerks who looked more senior. “Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” Herman asked.
“Have you tried a wife?” he replied.
“You say that you didn’t want to divorce, but you did get divorced,
so your wife must have been the one who wanted the divorce.”
I believe that Health has indicated in other threads that she is female. She needs the get in order to be able to remarry.
Moishe, busily occupied with a video game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Miriam. Some people don’t even know you.”
Morty Epstein was talking to his young grandson David about characters in the Torah. During the conversation Morty told his grandson that Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, which is older than anyone else has ever lived.
Little David thought about this fact for a second and then asked, “Zadie, did you know him?”
Three rabbis were discussing how to have the best davening experience (prayer) and what the best positions for prayer were. A telephone repairman who was working nearby overheard their conversation.
“Standing and swaying back and forth during the shmone esrei is definitely best,” said the first rabbi.
“You’re both wrong,” the third rabbi insisted. “The best davening is Kabbalat Shabbat, dancing with my arms outstretched to Heaven.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Rabbis,” he interrupted, “the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole.”
A man named Anthony who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn that services Jewish patients and took his portable keyboard along. Anthony found an old Jew named Saul who looked like he could use some cheering up and he went by his bedside, told some jokes and sang some funny songs.
When he finished Anthony said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
Saul replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
Shlomo Klein worked for the security department of a large retail store, and his duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.
Nevertheless customers always found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning “Alarm will sound if opened,” failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of false alarms, Shlomo got fed up and placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: “Wet paint.”
Moishe and Miriam were out for a drive with Miriam at the wheel, when suddenly the brakes failed on a steep, downhill grade.
“I can’t stop!” Miriam shrilled. “What should I do?”
“Brace yourself,” advised Moishe, “and try to hit something cheap.”
David smiled. “That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts.”
An El Al flight was leaving Ben Gurion airport in Tel Aviv on its way to New York. A few minutes passed and then another few, and it became clear that there was going to be a delay.
Suddenly, the Captain picked up the microphone and announced:
“We’re sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we have to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly.”
Old Mrs. Epstein was called for jury duty and her son Jerry who was an attorney filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of her family members, Mrs. Epstein blurted out, “Your honor, you should be aware that my son is a very successful lawyer.”
Drivers in New York are notoriously impatient and one Monday morning when Itzik was having car trouble in Brooklyn as no exception. While stopped at a red light, his car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind him was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind him was honking his horn continuously as Itzik continued to try getting the car to start up again.
Finally Itzik got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind him. “I can’t seem to get my car started,” Itzik said, smiling. “Would you go and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”
Two hours later, Moishe came back with the entire amount. “Amazing!” the manager said. “How did you do it?”
“Easy,” Moishe replied. “I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us.”
Rabbi Epstein looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct multiple services not to mention that I gave a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?”
“Dear,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”
Chaim Yankel worked in the mailroom at a Wall Street Bank and somehow befriended one of the senior bankers, John Davies, who invited Chaim Yankel to his house for a drink. Walking through his posh residence, Davies pointed to his dining room table and said to Chaim Yankel proudly, “That table goes back to Louis the 14th.”
“Oh, that’s nothing,” Chaim Yankel interjected. “My whole living-room set goes back to Target the 15th aisle.”
A traffic cop on patrol one night in Boca Raton Florida, watching a 35-mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast-moving vehicle at 87 mph!
The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.
To his surprise, the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old Jewish lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.
“I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer,” replied Mrs. Applebaum calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. “Why, what seems to be the problem?”
Shocked, the officer returned her comment, “What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35-mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?”
“Oh sure,” Mrs. Applebaum returned, “That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow its instruction.”
Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.
“Just what sign are you talking about, ma’am?” he asked, when he finally recovered.
Smiling up at the officer, Mrs. Applebaum placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, “Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead,’ of course!”
Rachel: I just don’t understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Leah: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Rachel: Well, I’m sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Leah: I thought I asked legitimate questions… like, “Why did you hit the ball into that lake?”
Shloimie Zimmerman was driving one day with his 5 year old son Shmuli when he beeped his horn by mistake.
Shmuli turned and looked at his father for an explanation.
“Sorry, that was an accident,” said Shloimie
”Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. ”Okay, Moishe. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”
”Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
”THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”
”Okay, Moishe. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”
”What the heck you tryin’ to pull, mister?” said the bartender.
”Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question. Okay, Moishe, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”
The bartender had enough and picked up the guy and his dog and threw them onto the sidewalk outside of the bar.
Moishe stands up and looks at his owner. “Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
Rachel Ginsberg called up a pet store and said, “Could you please send me ten thousand cockroaches.”
“What in the world do you want with ten thousand cockroaches?” asked the clerk.
“Well,” replied Rachel, “I am moving out of my Bronx apartment today and my lease says I have to leave the place in the same condition I found it.”
Chaim Yankel went to visit his dentist, Dr. Goldstein and sure enough, his candy habit had caught up to him.
Chaim Yankel: And how much will it cost?
Dr. Goldstein: It’s $150.00.
Chaim Yankel: $150.00 for just a few minutes of work?!
Dr. Goldstein: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
A guide is showing a group of Israeli tourists the world famous Niagara Falls. “I’ll bet you don’t have anything like that in Israel!” said the tour guide.
“You are right, we don’t,” said one Israeli. “But we’ve definitely got engineers who could fix it.”
Moishe paid attention closely.
Chaim Yankel checked into a hotel for his first ever hotel stay. He goes up to his room and five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
Chaim Yankel says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
Shulem Hirsch is a polite but meticulous chassid living in the Tri-State area. While his new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before Shulem Hirsch was to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms were not tiled, and necessary fixtures were not installed. His wife Ruchel was starting to get concerned that the house would not be completed in time. However, on moving day, Ruchel and Shulem Hirsch found that their house was in perfect working order.
Incredulous, Ruchel searched the house for the note. Posted prominently on the living room wall was a note which read: “After September 30th, all work will be supervised by our twelve children.”
Mary McDonough was at the airport in New York, scheduled to board an El Al plane to Israel to visit her husband Jim who was working for the United Nations for a few months in Tel Aviv. As she checked in, the El Al security agent pulled her aside to ask a few questions.
“Does she like you?”
Immediately Moishe piped up and said, “YES, I’m allergic to shots!”
The Parrot that Teaches Hebrew
David and Bernice are visiting Israel and are out for a stroll when they walk into a pet store and see a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg.
David asks the store owner the significance of the strings.
“And what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?” asks David
“I fall off my perch, Einstein!” squawks the parrot.
Mr. Rosenberg, a geometry teacher at Maimonides High School started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”
He noticed that Chaim Yankel Rubenstein wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.
“Well,” Chaim Yankel replied sincerely, “I was waiting for you to start speaking English.”
After a particularly inspiring service at Congregation Beth Israel, one of the congregants approached Rabbi Adler. “Rabbi, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published.”
Rabbi Adler replied, “Actually, I’m planning to have all my sermons published posthumously.”
The editor of a small Israeli newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline:
“HALF OF THE MEMBERS OF THE KNESSET ARE CROOKS.”
Many of the Knesset members were outraged and exerted pressure on the editor to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:
“HALF OF THE MEMBERS OF THE KNESSET ARE NOT CROOKS.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” David replied indignantly.
During his talk, the captain asks, “OK, here’s an easy question for you. Suppose you saw an employee fall overboard. What should you do?”
David, one of the employees, puts his hand up and replies, “I would shout out loud, “MAN OVERBOARD, MAN OVERBOARD.”
“Correct,” says the captain. “And what would you do if you saw it was one of your managers that had just fallen overboard?”
Always honest, David replies, “It would depend on which manager.”