As a therapist working in the Lakewood community, I recently attended a professional networking event, hoping to connect with colleagues in the mental health field. Instead, I walked away with something far more disheartening: a growing sense that basic social skills—simple decency, acknowledgment, and presence—are disappearing among professionals in our community.
I attempted to strike up a conversation with another therapist. She paused, saying, “Hold on, let me just say bye to them.” I waited—but she never came back. No follow-up. No courtesy. Just… gone.
This wasn’t an isolated incident. I’ve begun to notice a troubling pattern—not just at events, but in shul, at simchos, even at everyday interactions. My husband often remarks how, at shul, people seem unable to stand still and connect. There’s this constant restlessness, this difficulty in just being present with another Yid for more than a few seconds.
What’s going on? Is this a cultural shift? A reflection of our fast-paced, distracted lifestyle? Or perhaps, is it something deeper—a communal erosion of interpersonal sensitivity and self-awareness?
We teach our children social skills. There are entire programs for it in schools. But what about adults? When did we stop holding ourselves to the same basic standard?
Respectful interaction—making eye contact, offering a handshake, remembering to circle back in a conversation—these aren’t luxuries. They’re the glue that holds our relationships together. Especially in professional settings, they matter deeply. For a field like mental health that’s built on empathy and connection, the irony is painful.
I’m writing this not just to vent, but to hopefully start a conversation. Am I alone in seeing this? Have others noticed the same drift toward coldness, aloofness, or even unintentional arrogance?
Maybe it’s time to start a “Social Skills for Adults” club. If kids need help learning how to interact, maybe we do too. I’m serious.
If you’ve experienced something similar—or disagree and want to share your take—I’d love to hear from you. Let’s bring this conversation out in the open. You can reach me at [email protected].
Signed,
Anonymous
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18 Responses
It’s the 1 issue nobody wants to talk about- our broader community’s hyper focus on social status, which results in most shuls and other communal events not having open, sincere, relaxed environments. I don’t think it’s a LACK of social skills, in which case teaching could (perhaps) help. I think what you are observing reflects an intense hyper focus on social standing in our world, in various dimensions (whether money, frumkeit, learning, status). It’s gotten noticably worse in recent years. It’s the issue no one wants to talk about because it’s very personal to many of us.
It’s not pleasant to talk about, but this is why we don’t shave or listen to music during sefira.
You want deep connection & don’t post your name?
Hiding behind anonymous?????!!!!
Lol lol
Dovid Richter
It’s the result of the phone generation as they grew up, this is what you got. Spending so much time scrolling and looking down is the enemy of socializing and interpersonal connections. It had its effect and now people can’t be near each other and can’t focus on anything
If people allow the tech world to infiltrate that means they are rarely using direct verbal communicateion anymore. They can ignore niceties by texting, voice notes, whatsap and other forms of sending a message. Even spouses rely on electronic communication instead of talking with each and social skills are used less, needed less and are overtaking the human factor in our lives. We are being influenced by tech and the culture it teaches us. And we will defend it even as it destroys the bain adam lachaveiro and bain adam latzmo of our lives.
I’ve noticed feeling very uncomfortable in certain shuls in Brooklyn. The only attention given by congregants is that I’m glancing at you to judge you look. Not all shuls are like this but this is a present theme in a few I’ve been to. Instead of a sense of community, there’s a sense of oneupmanship. A sense of I’m here, not sure why, but I am, and now I’m going to look at you.
I compare this to mordern Orthodox shuls, where putting the hashkafik and halachic issues aside, everyone seems to have the decency thing down pretty well. No staring. Handshakes offered. A sense that nobody is better then the other. True community. It’s a beautiful part of the religion, that everyone in this place – the shul – are equal and here for a purpose.
I believe the root of this discrepancy lies in the lack of appreciation for what we do as Jews as a whole. Take frum Jews living in the tri state area, known for their steadfast commitment to Torah and Mitzvos. On the outside everything looks great. People are learning, properly dressed, davening etc. But on the inside there is true spiritual erosion (assuming there ever was real spirituality there in the first place), a distaste for our practices rooted in rote religious behavior. This leads to an inner awkwardness in shuls, yeshivos, and eventually everywhere else in public life. These people like imposters doing things to keep up an image. This lack of confidence and conviction spills over to the point where basic communication and decency is lost.
On the flip side you have people who compromise Halacha but at least buy in to what they are doing. This group has no fabricated image to uphold. They are who they present to be. They may not be living up to Halacha, but they are true to themselves. They therefore aren’t conflicted day to day and have the mental capacity (and confidence) to be good, kind, decent people with good interpersonal skills.
The bottom line is, people need to feel good about themselves. The things they do on a daily basis shouldn’t feel empty. Fulfillment is out of reach when you live with imposter syndrome. We should all take the time to try to break through to ourselves, to be open and honest with where we stand and where we’d like to be. I think connecting with each other, the way we’re supposed to, will again be a reality, but we must work on it.
You are absolutely right. My next door neighbor is a yeshiva rebbi and just a week or two ago he mentioned to me how disheartening the job has become. He puts his kishkis into the children and hardly gets an acknowledgement or a thank you note from parents. It’s as though, that’s the expectation. He bemoaned the fact that Peisach was the most disturbing. From a class of 29 boys he received a text message from one parent. That makes the job extra tough. Yes, there are Chanuka and Purim gifts but there needs to be acknowledgement of effort especially when more effort is put in. We expect our children and spouses to express thanks – why does it end there? The writer expresses a real need for improvement.
…. and the liberal/leftist leaning therapists in the frum community are a BIG part of the problem. (including turning children against their parents.) Of course these therapists will deny they are leftist/liberals, but this is because they dont truly know, or care deeply about hashkafa of our Torah on many of the issues that they are involved with.
Perhaps this is the BIGGEST problem in our community. it is subtly attacking the core of yiddishkeit.
You are unfortunately right.
Our people sometimes behave in ways not befitting a Ben Torah or bas Torah .
Hashem is watching people!
Get with the program!
A p.s., Thanking and complimenting had become like a blood donation: it must be done with proper intervals.
And it can’t be done too often.
Agree! I see this behavior at weddings when women come to wish mazel tov to the kallah and mechuteinistes. You can be standing politely in line waiting to get closer, when 2 or 3 women or girls barge ahead of you, strong arm their way in. There is no doubt that they are muuuuuch closer friends and therefore so much more vital to get up there before anyone who has schlepped in from a distance to pay respects. They give you this look from the. corrner of their eye, at times sheepish, but at times arrogant and brazen, as they progress to the mother of…and gush how ammmmazing she looks and how gorgeous the kallah is and how preeminent the other side is and they go back with them all the way to Avraham Avinu. Whew. While you stand there feeling sillier and more insignificant by the minute and feeling upset and displaced.
I agree with you that it is a problem. People need to get mussar and lessons in derech eretz. Instead of saying and imagining that everyone is great, and that we can never correct anything, after all, who do you think you are to tell anyone what they’re doing is wrong, are you perfect yourself, that’s what some leitzim might say. No, we must go back to old-fashioned values, and speak up when something is out of order.
We teach our children social skills. There are entire programs for it in schools.
There are?! הלוואי that there were.
But what about adults? When did we stop holding ourselves to the same basic standard?
Probably about the same time that digital communication replaced most real life face to face interaction. I vividly recall one time, when I was in a restaurant with my wife, and seated next to us was another couple. We couldn’t help but notice that both of them were completely absorbed in their i-Phones and oblivious to each other… Another time I was visiting New York and riding on the subway, and I noticed how quiet it was compared to what I remembered from my youth… Then it hit me – everyone was glued to their i-Phone, except one who was using a laptop… Even those of us who ברוך השם do not use i-Phone type devices, still do much of our business and social networking through (relatively more kosher but still) electronic means. Even Zoom and the like are not the same thing as normal human interaction.
You can also be done lchaf zechus. This awful lady therapist who was going to be right back maybe was human and
..forgot…
@Dovid Richter
The person posted their email address. If your goal was productive, you could have emailed the author with your issue, and he/she likely would have explained why they didn’t print their name.
But it wouldn’t have satisfired your yetzer hora to belittle others, and derail the point of a very well written letter. Rav Hutner taught that Leitzonus is midas Amalek.
I used the name you shared because you are proud of it. There’s no way to know if you really are that person or not.
I personally like to keep a low identity profile on the WWW. My reason is that some people seem to believe that everyone else is fair game for onaas devarim, loshon hora, rechilus, ayin rah and malbin pnei chaveiro. Until they become the recipient or target of similar ridicule, on or off line.
@everyone reading this:
Circling back to the actual topic, the current reality is that there are hundreds, if not thousands of Shomer Shabbos therapists in our communities. And yet the rate of unsuccessful outcomes is too high. The current trend is to blame the patient. Talk about adding insult to injury!
It is my not so humble opinion that too many mental health professionals who have studied, trained, and practice within our Shomer Shabbos system are poorly trained. The letter is spot on.
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This is based on my experiences, from 37 years of interacting with the mental health field within and outside of the Shomer Shabbos Loop.
A person who wants to help somebody others who are suffering deeply, needs very very strong boundaries. They need a deep capacity for emotional pain, and skills to handle such intensity. It’s a learning process.
we cannot do anything without checking in with Daas Torah first
When therapist charge $200 for a 50 minute session and jump from one client to the next, at a certain point their emotional sensitivity desensitizes to others real needs of connection and flexibilty and it’s more about making money and connections. Think about it and you’ll see it’s true.
Derech Eretz isn’t taught in Social Work MSW school with all the good education it brings. Time has become more about making money than making friends.
It’s not only adults. It starts with the adults and carry’s over to the children. Kids are spoiled rotten because parents want to keep their kids busy. In Frum circles it’s keeping kids busy with kosher movies. In modern orthodox circles it’s secular movies. It’s a whole generation that is disconnected. In parts of Brooklyn you can live your whole life and not even know who your neighbors are. The only time people talk to you is if they need a loan. Now I’m not blaming everyone who does not say gut shabbos on the street because in communities that are pact with so many people you would never make it home in time for your wife’s cooking. I notice in areas where there are not many yidden everyone answers gut shabbos. A lot of the reason people seem not to be able to communicate is because of financial stress. People are trying to make ends meet and don’t have time to engage in conversation. Everyone is in a rush. Everything is expensive from buying or renting a house,putting food on the table to medical coverage to yeshiva tuition. Who has time to communicate.
I agree with everything the poster said. The worst part is and so disrespectful is when you start a conversation with someone at a simcha or in shul and then right in middle of the conversation another person comes over to say hello to the person you’re talking too, and that’s the end of your conversation because the other person is now talking with the newcomer totally ignoring that he/she was even talking to you a minute earlier. This scenario has been going on for years.
I also totally agree that today many frum therapists including tutors (not all though) care more about the money than helping their clients. They charge upwards of $150 for 50-60min sessions, and will not take anyone who won’t pay those prices. So many frum people are suffering because the help is so out of reach financially for them. The world would be a better place if more people cared more about others, especially about caring enough to help others in need without making them go broke just so they can get top dollar. Parnassah is from Hashem and you will get whatever money you’re supposed to get not a penny more or less no matter how much you charge your clients!