Dear Editor,
I was thrilled to hear about the new initiative endorsed by the Gedolim and Rabbanim Shlit”a: encouraging girls returning from seminary to wait until Shavuos to begin dating, and asking boys to return earlier from Eretz Yisroel to start shidduchim sooner.
Why am I so excited? Because I speak from painful experience.
Six years ago, my oldest daughter entered the shidduch parsha. Like many other well-meaning, naïve parents, I assumed the traditional Litvish system was still working — that a good girl and a good boy would be redt to each other, go out, and build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel.
We reached out to shadchanim. We waited. One year passed. Nothing. Two years passed. Still nothing.
Can you imagine that pain? It felt like walking into a grocery store and finding the shelves empty. No boys = no shidduchim for our daughters.
I started asking questions, trying to understand what had changed. Eventually, I uncovered a difficult truth: while girls begin dating at 18 or 19, boys often only start at 23 or 24. And when they do begin dating, they mostly look for girls between 18 and 21.
This creates a double crisis:
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A massive numbers imbalance — thousands more girls than boys on the shidduch market.
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A cruel expiration date — a girl over 21 is often considered “too old,” and is tragically overlooked.
The result: we have a narrow window to marry off our daughters. And many are falling through the cracks.
Now, I have two more daughters waiting. One has been home for three years without a single date.
Can you imagine that pain?
How can any of us sleep peacefully knowing there are thousands of Bnos Yisroel aching to build a bayis, but can’t even get a date — because the boys are still in Eretz Yisroel or haven’t even started dating yet?
לא תעמוד על דם רעך.
There are roughly 2,000 boys in BMG. How can they marry off thousands upon thousands of girls? The math simply doesn’t work.
But there is a solution. A simple, powerful, and life-saving solution.
If boys start dating a year earlier, and if girls delay by even a few months, the numbers shift drastically. It gives every girl a real, fighting chance to find her zivug.
In just a few days, another 3,000+ girls will be returning from seminary and entering the already-overcrowded shidduch pool. What chance does my daughter — or any girl home for two or three years — have?
If this new group waits until Shavuos, girls like my daughters will finally have a chance. If not, we will be left with thousands of unmarried girls. Agunos of the shidduch crisis.
This is a once-in-a-generation opportunity to fix a broken system. We are begging for help — not resistance.
Our daughters are drowning. We need a Hatzolah.
Please, don’t just sympathize. Join the effort.
P.S. Many sincere Yidden were raised to believe that “every shidduch is bashert — it will come when it comes.” But as HaGaon Rav Binyamin Cohen shlit”a has written in Adai Ad, we must not use hashkafah to excuse inaction.
I’d like to add a halachic point as well. As heard from HaGaon Rav Meir Stern shlit”a of Passaic: The Shulchan Aruch (based on the Gemara) explicitly allows making a shidduch even on Tisha B’Av — the saddest day of the year — שמָא יקדמנו אחר, lest someone else grab the opportunity.
This is a clear psak that we must act to help our daughters — not simply wait and say “it’s bashert.”
Let me be clear: I believe in hashgachah. But when we see that the Chassidim here in America, and both Litvish and Chassidish communities in Eretz Yisroel, don’t have this problem, we must admit that our crisis is man-made. And if it’s man-made, it can be fixed.
If you have a daughter, this initiative helps you too. Let’s not try to outsmart the system and end up sabotaging everyone — including ourselves.
Why is today different than the past? Simple: In the past, many boys didn’t go to Eretz Yisroel. Today, almost all do — and they don’t date until they return. This has created an unnatural bottleneck.
Let’s fix it — together. Bring the boys back earlier. Let the girls wait a little. The results could save thousands of futures.
Jump on board.
Name withheld upon request.
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22 Responses
At this point people must be told the truth. That the proposed solution to fix the age gap has been officially nixed and is no longer being pursued. It’s obviously a tragic mistake, the people responsible for it should be held accountable, but it’s the sad truth.
I still don’t understand how 21 can be considered “over the hill,” when in the outside world, she is just starting in life.
The age of 19 seems to have become fetishized. Someone explained to me that the boys — or possibly their families — fear that by 21 a woman has advanced intellectually (i.e. “too smart for the boys”). That seems especially disturbing, as she is somehow forbidden to mature. It is also contradictory to the expectation that she should support her husband. This often requires a college degree or professional training, which is typically not completed until later in life.
It’s a sick society that sends out mixed messages.
As a father reading your note, my first thought is that your situation should see hatzlacha immediately and you should see all your children married, speedily and with joy.
I was taken by your candor and sincerity and wanted to share my own story. As a ger, who was made to wear a yellow star on my arm throughout shidduchim, I can tell you — you don’t mean for it to be this way, but your thinking is unfortunately mamash כחי ועוצם ידי.
BMG, numbers, control. Rachmana litzlan, we are living in a time where well-meaning people — good baal habatim — actually make comparisons that their daughters should be paired with BMG bochurim, and that there is quantity and supply and demand.
But where is Hashem in your life? Actually — where is Hashem in your life? Where did you let Him in?
The tragedy is in believing in man-made structures and not in Hashem alone. Stop being part of the system. Stop believing that low-income and middle-income matter. They don’t.
The only thing that matters is your reliance on Hashem alone and forgetting about all else. There is no BMG. There is no shidduch crisis. There are no man-made problems and no man-made solutions. The sickness of forgetting Hashem is in us. Everything else does not matter.
All people of low-income or middle-income should forget all about these asinine כחי ועוצם ידי conclusions. Just believe that Hashem is פועל ישועות — and that is it. Stop believing in man-made stupidity.
The fact that you didn’t sign your name means you’re embarrassed. Stop believing in things that turn your core away from emes. -Joshua Parker
As a manager in a big girls school, the matzav is way worse than one can imagine. I don’t know how these girls can smile and teach each morning
Bmg has avg 570 chasanim a yr, there aren’t 2000 normal boys in bmg
The Hester panim in this inyan and the lack of clarity is ayom venora. Yet there are hundreds of chasunos not davka rich, smart,pretty etc…
The letter to the editor accurately highlights a critical issue: “There are roughly 2,000 boys in BMG. How can they marry off thousands upon thousands of girls? The math simply doesn’t work.” This observation is valid, but the root cause extends way beyond just age differences.
The primary challenge lies in the significant imbalance between the number of frum girls returning from seminary seeking BMG boys and the comparatively much smaller percentage of frum boys who attend BMG. When thousands of girls concentrate their expectations on a limited pool of approximately 2,000 boys, a shortage is inevitable — even if age distributions were equal. This is fundamentally a supply-and-demand mismatch, not solely an age gap issue.
It is natural and commendable that girls seek serious, committed partners. However, restricting the search exclusively to one pool excludes many other high-quality, frum, and growth-oriented boys who are not part of the Lakewood system. When the majority aim for the same narrow subset, inevitably, many will be left without viable matches.
To increase equitable opportunities for girls, the solution should not be limited to delaying dating age alone, but rather embracing a broader and more inclusive perspective. A matchmaking system dependent on a single, constrained option will inherently marginalize individuals. Expanding one’s criteria is not a reduction of standards — it is an enhancement of opportunities and potential.
let me preface my remarks, I fully sympathize and empathize with you having 2 older daughters still at home
you quote rav meir stern shlita
“As heard from HaGaon Rav Meir Stern shlit”a of Passaic: The Shulchan Aruch (based on the Gemara) explicitly allows making a shidduch even on Tisha B’Av — the saddest day of the year — שמָא יקדמנו אחר, lest someone else grab the opportunity.”
isnt that reason enough for a girl fresh out of SEM not to follow your eitza, if a good shidduch offer comes along??
why should she give up the opportunity, perhaps giving up her bashert im not disagreeing with you im trying to understand
the rationale of asking young girls who dont want to end up in the situation where our daughters currently find themselves, to push off going out so girls a few years older will perhaps get dates..
i dont see how this will solve the problem at best its a “band aid” help some of the girls but i dont see it as solving the over all issue
again i fully understand yours and your daughters pain may hakodosh boruch hu have rachmonos on bnos yisroel and send the yehshua bekrov for all our daughters
I know it’s a sad situation but asking people to change is not going to work, you can try speaking with yeshivahs to make the changes so then everyone can follow along.
Also, there are plenty of boys who don’t go to bmg and didn’t go to e”y to learn, why don’t you try looking into those?
The goal is to stay married … not get married. Putting immature boys not ready to support a family into marriage will lead to broken families.
“a girl over 21 is often considered
too old, and is tragically overlooked.”
—————————————-
THIS IS INSANITY!!
THIS IS LUNACY!!
THIS IS CRAZY!!
With a crazy system like this, we do not
need to ask why people go off-the-derech.
“There are roughly 2,000 boys in BMG.”
There are thousands of boys who are not in BMG, but we refuse to consider them. They are not good enough for our daughters who were brainwashed that they have to marry the next Gadol Hador.
And THATS why we have a shidduch crisis.
Not because of age gap non sense. There was NEVER a time that there weren’t any Bochrim in BMG. There are, and there have always been single boys in BMG of ALL ages.
I know. My daughter is in Shidduchim for over 3 years. Names constantly come up. THERE IS NO SHORTAGE OF BOYS.
There simply isn’t enough GOOD QUALITY boys.
“But when we see that the Chassidim here in America, and both Litvish and Chassidish
communities in Eretz Yisroel, don’t have this problem…..”
Chassidish girls for the most part aren’t looking for “long term 7 – 10 year learners”. Hence they don’t have a crisis
The litvish communities in EY have a better balance of good boys and good girls, hence they don’t have a crisis
But when you only have 10 American Litvish long term learners for the 20 Litvish girls who want to marry them, you will have a crisis regardless of the age differences
1- I feel your pain and the pain of our family and of the hundres of Talmidos who are in similar situations.
2- I am deeply concerned that so many bnos Yisroel who are filled with idealism, drive, kedusha, sheifos will not be able to maintain it over an 8 month period during which their exposure to our ever inreasing materialistic society dilutes their drive and their hashkafos.
3- I am concerned that the pressure to get involved with technology is major and increases with time. Talmidos have told me that after only a few months they buckled and now have been exposed to alot of anti Tzniyus enticements. I know of bnos Yisroel who have become so connected to their phones that they reject bochrim who insist on flip phones. If a bochur can choose one who is still filled with passion and idealism or an older version who has been diluted or impaired…….. which should a Ben Torah chooose? Which would you want your son to choose?
4- I have been told that Rav Meir Stern and Rav Elya Ber Wachtfogel and Riverdale Yeshiva are not endorsing the plan. Is this true?
I don’t know the solution…….. but putting more banos at risk is a difficult path
We really need to throw it all on Hashem…….. the whole pekel……..real connected Tfillah.
What a painful plea from a loving father.
One comment I would make as an outside observer is many in the community seem to advise the individual girls struggling with this process that they need to improve their personal hishtadlus & use that as an excuse to dismiss the issue as someone else’s personal problem. But really this sounds like there is a need for communal hishtadlus! The future of the community is at stake!
As a comparison in history after WWI in England there was a similar major numbers imbalance with many young men who died in the war becoming a “lost generation”. This led to their counterparts becoming a lost generation called “surplus women.” It fundamentally tranformed society. They started with a traditional society where women focused on marriage & family. It ended with women focusing on careers, suffrage rights, personal independence, 1920s style partying, and emigrating en masse.
Instead of universally expected, marriage will be for elite women only. This is unsustainable & heartbreaking. While I don’t have answers I’m hoping this will reach those in the community who might & wake them up to the urgency of this as a communal problem.
You didn’t explain why girls waiting until Shevuos makes a difference…
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The American Yeshiva community had done this to themselves by allowing all buchrim to stay in Yeshiva or be considered bums
Also when you have rosh Yeshiva who’s entire financial and power base comes from having buchrim in Yeshiva for longer trying to fix this issue of getting at least half the guys out of yeshiva early you cannot expect a good result
Most Buchrim should learn for a year maybe two the top 1% aka potential gadol hador material should for sure learn for longer everyone else should get married build a family and be kvai etim
But hey what do I know I am just a bum not a great rosh Yeshiva
I think giving the girls a structured system for another year would help the issue. now girls come back from sem and what should they do? get married. if they would have another year of high school are extra sem or something of the sort then they would automatically start dating later and not be in as much of a rush. In Eretz Yisroel high school goes way later than 12th grade and although girls do get engaged before finishing school, there’s no “pressure” of “I better get engaged because I have nothing else to do” Also, they learn a job during that time to help them be more ready to support their husband in learning. If there would be a shift of the structure of schooling in USA where girls come out of it at a bit of a later age, even better with some sort of training, it would help the shidduch crisis tremendously.
Not worthy of any comments . More ranting and world coming to an end rhetoric. Should join kahamenis rhetoric and propoganda nonsense
Stop spreading this Fake News.
The only solution that may work would be to have the girls have a “beis Medrash” program after high school, before seminary. This would by default force them to delay by one or two years.
We all know now that the boys are not changing their plans.
It would create more jobs for teachers too.
The plea from this father is being ignored. The meetings held by Rabbonim in all the big Jewish communities seem to be nothing more than that. They meet, talk, someone takes pictures, and then we move on until the next meeting.
It is time to move past the meetings and get to tachlis. The easier fix is to ask the Roshei Yeshiva to send their boys to EY earlier. The girls’ side is harder, but someone needs to start. The BMG Roshei Yeshiva joined these meetings but refused to give up on their freezer policy. Please, someone fix this! We have the ideas, but the people who have the ability to make the difference refuse to do anything.
meshuga1, your idea is totally meshuge. We are struggling enough to pay for the first year, now we pay for a second year????? And besides, let the girls make money and they should put it away ( to eventually buy a house etc). My daughter is home/working for three years now and she has at least $75,000 in savings
I think that once the girls come back it’s very hard to telll them not to hear suggestions.
The idea would be to keep them in Israel for another (half?) year
but that is a lot of money and we need some big nadvonim to step in and subsidize it….