Dear Editor,
I read the recent heartfelt letter about the shidduch crisis with deep emotion and full agreement. The pain, frustration, and desperation felt by so many parents of Bnos Yisroel is real — and it is unacceptable that our community has allowed this “shidduch crisis” to persist for so long, largely unchallenged.
While the new initiative encouraging girls to wait until Shavuos to begin dating, and boys to return earlier from Eretz Yisroel, is a step in the right direction, it must be the beginning — not the end — of our communal introspection and action.
We can no longer ignore a glaring truth: the system is broken. And it is man-made. The numbers don’t lie, and neither does the heartache of thousands of wonderful, accomplished young women waiting months and years just to begin the process.
There is one phrase in particular that must be addressed head-on — even if it makes some uncomfortable: the “shidduch freezer.” It has become a sacred cow in some of the larger yeshivos, where boys returning from Eretz Yisroel are told to “settle in” before they are allowed to date. This policy, once created with the best intentions, has become deeply harmful. It must stop.
We need our yeshivos — especially the major ones — to lead with courage. They must stop enforcing artificial delays in dating, and instead work hand in hand with the Gedolim and askanim who are trying to restore balance and save a generation from unnecessary pain.
Likewise, may I be bold enough to raise another sacred assumption: that every boy and girl must go to Eretz Yisroel after high school or be labeled as “less than.” While there are immense benefits to learning in Eretz Yisroel, we must stop treating it as the only path to success, especially when it creates real hardship in the shidduch parsha.
Is it possible that our communal pressure for every 18-year-old to spend a year (or years) “running around” in Eretz Yisroel — disconnected from the timeline and needs of the broader community — has contributed to the very crisis we are now so desperate to fix?
Yes, talmud Torah is a supreme value. But so is building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel. And so is listening to our Gedolim when they say, “It’s time to change the system.”
Let’s have the courage to act. To speak up. To change. To bring our boys home a bit earlier, and let them begin building their futures without unnecessary delay. And let’s give our daughters — each one a precious neshamah — the dignity and chance they so deeply deserve.
This is not a crisis of emunah. It is a crisis of community responsibility. We now have the opportunity — and the obligation — to fix it.
Sincerely,
Y.R.B.
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19 Responses
It would be nice if it was a single item that was broken in the system and everyone was willing to work together to rectify the situation.
Unfortunately there are many items broken in the system, many of them having no correlation to others.
Additionally, there are too many out there who the broken system works wonders for and have no incentive to make any changes.
In similar situations, where I’m powerless to do anything meaningful, I look up to Hashem and daven.
WHY ARE WE SO FOCUSED ON GETTING PEOPLE MARRIED WHEN WE CAN’T KEEP THEM MARRIED??
Brech!
Another person writing a “heartfelt letter” having an “epiphany” just regurgitating the same tired talking points as though they just discovered them for the first time.
Why are these letters even published?
Singles today are picky picky picky
I think you hit it on the nail but not the one you’re thinking. The real crisis that I see is largely the gap between accomplished girls versus accomplished boys. By the time a girl is 23 she can easily be finished her masters degree while a boy at 23 is just learning who he himself is. It’s not an age gap crisis but accomplishment crisis where many accomplished girls want accomplished boys hence creating a false age gap crisis. As an aside there are plenty of 25 year old plus boys who aren’t getting any dates by virtue that they’re working and not learning full time in yeshiva. The crisis lies in Yeshiva boys and accomplished girls who then feel they have to settle on someone less then their caliber.
Hear we go again. More ranting. More doomsday nonsense. Blame games
I love how the new heartfelt letter writers say that they’re daughter hasn’t had a date in 3 years. Maybe soon they will write 5 years. Then they say if she’s not dating at 21 she will be an Agunah! More comedy
I would like to say if she’s normal and flexible and not living under a rock on the moon these writers are liars trying to push some agenda. What the agenda is and why and who is pushing it is the big question.
I’m still the non-believer. First, little to no numbers that are reliable. Those numbers being reported are collections of data that are so jumbled as to be statistically meaningless. That should noot imply that there are no singles. Sadly, there are plenty. But they are for such a variety of rerasons that efforts to group them together are just an effort at deception. We can all name several factors, whether the going to Eretz Yisroel (both boys in yeshiva and girls in seminary), the resistance to many boys going to learn towards careers (the lifelong learning myth as being for everyone), whether the standards as being unrealistic, whether the growing fears of the lies and deceptions of shadchanim, whether the virtual untruths being placed on shidduch resumes, whether the belief systems that give credence to financials and other non-ikar issues. All situations are different. There is no single issue that could be modified reasonably that will have any discernable impact.
Daven. Then daven some more. Have the bitachon that HKB”H has someone for everyone, and to allow that to happen without blocking it with obstacles.
The people pushing for this Lidicrous freezer, are rhe same people who said nor to vote at WZO, so I don’t take these people seriously.
Every girl who is picky wants a guy who is tall,a body builder,a Talmud chocam who is full time learner and a multi millionaire businessman. Does it exist. Oh and I forgot the main thing is that he should spend 24 hours a day with her and go on far off vacations every two weeks from Italy to the Bahamas.
I did the freezer thing when I was at BMG in Lakewood, and I loved every minute of it. In my days, it was for 4 months, not just 3 months. I came Rosh Chodesh Ellul and had to sign not to date till Chanukah. I loved it, and so did every other guy alongside me.
The boys themselves want and appreciate the freezer, and they don’t feel it’s being forced on them at all, and they have the right because to girl has officially said yes to him yet, because the boys give the first yes. Furthermore, a guy can easily get around the freezer both legally and illegally if he wants to.
Now here’s why the freezer is completely irrelevant to the shidduch crisis. The bulk of the Boys arrive after Pesach, and the girls arrive back home from Israel around now, this time of the year. So technically, every girl can have every guy right now because the Pesach crop of boys is about to unfreeze in the next two weeks. So the freezer rule has little to no bearing on the girl’s plight.
So what can’t the girls have because of the freezer ?
Next year’s crop of guys! meaning if a girl is in February or March and she has already rejected all the current guys in BMG, and she’s gonna hold out for the new stuff coming NEXT Pesach, she can’t have that NEW crop as quickly as she and her parents want it. And she wants the new crop now!
So this call to abolish the freezer is just one more way to empower the girls over the boys.
Guys, don’t fall for it!
147:
Drop your idol so that your opinion can become at least potentially relevant.
I have not gotten a satisfactory answer why the freezer is a cause of the shidduch crisis. It’s 2 and a half months (Cheshvan Kislev and half of Shvat) and I don’t think 2 and a half months are causing the shidduch crisis of thousands of girls. Also, there are plenty of yeshivos out there that don’t have the freezer (I attended one) and if anyone wants to go out and start shidduchim, feel free to go to a yeshiva like that and start right away.
1)So which Yeshivas exactly still have a Bochurim freezer today that’s stopping them from dating and moving forward with Marriage?
2)why is the divorce rate much higher today then it used to be just a few years ago and sadly keeps getting worse?
3)dr. Pepper
Which other top issues-besides the freezer-is the problem for today with girls and shidduchim (or maybe it’s with boys also)
Waiting to hear YOUR honest response.
Has our generation changed and they entire dating and marriage perspective is different today then just 1 generation back of our parents? Sadly yes.
1) Now in today’s generation it takes both spouses to work to make ends meet. (And that’s without extras of vacations and restaurants or expensive clothing etc…..)
2)the maturity of spouses-rather boys or girls-is not the same as last generation. Thus many are not ready to get married at the proper age and need to continue waiting until ready. This causing a Shidduch crises of numbers growing cause their not mature enough to raise a family and take responsibility like Satmar raises their children from a very your age to be ready by 18 etc….
3)it’s a major tragedy that today our boys and girls dating. Are focused on a future of vacations and pleasures with their spouse to be instead of focusing on raising a Torah family starting immediately even before children are born.
Many other differences between just ONE GENERATION and causing unlimited divorces and many other issues
In 1925 the average American female was 63 inches tall and weighed 125 pounds.
In 2025 the average American female was 63 inches tall and weighed 170 pounds.
I think you hit the nail on the head HOWEVER YOU HIT THE WRONG NAIL!! First of all there ARE gedolim behind the freezer for example the lakewood roshey yeshivah so for you to come say “we should start listening to our gedolim” i guess you mean YOUR gadol who you decided is write… and seeing you letter that gadol is probably some random ‘raaav’ who thinks he knows better then everyone else. Second of all i dont think 3 months of the freezer is the biggest problem here… third of all like someone else commented if they get married earlier who knows if our generation would be able to STAY married… c’v its better that they should at least do to EY for sometime so they could mature a little bit!!!
A married man who was in brisk for 1 year and knows the hock!!!
Perhaps consider that the crisis is self-inflicted by the seemingly nonstop cries of gevalt which only increase the stress on our young men and women coming out of high school and considering the life paths. Many are ready for kidushin and family responsibilities but many are not and forcing them to make decisions or settle on their beschert only increases the likelihood of a relationship that will not last. Stop with the “crisis” rhetoric and allow our youngsters to meet and engage on their own terms without all the pressure and timelines
@ Sam Klein
I’d love to give an honest response but sadly this article has run its course and is too far down in the list of news stories to remain relevant.
Head over to the Coffee Room and start (or revive) a thread on this topic and I’ll be happy to post.
(Another top issue is the out of control Shadchanim- imagine the ramifications if these shenanigans would occur in any other profession.)
In a proper and Frum Torah society the vast majority of Jewish men & women would be married before the age of 20.