Dear Editor,
I read the recent heartfelt letter about the shidduch crisis with deep emotion and full agreement. The pain, frustration, and desperation felt by so many parents of Bnos Yisroel is real — and it is unacceptable that our community has allowed this “shidduch crisis” to persist for so long, largely unchallenged.
While the new initiative encouraging girls to wait until Shavuos to begin dating, and boys to return earlier from Eretz Yisroel, is a step in the right direction, it must be the beginning — not the end — of our communal introspection and action.
We can no longer ignore a glaring truth: the system is broken. And it is man-made. The numbers don’t lie, and neither does the heartache of thousands of wonderful, accomplished young women waiting months and years just to begin the process.
There is one phrase in particular that must be addressed head-on — even if it makes some uncomfortable: the “shidduch freezer.” It has become a sacred cow in some of the larger yeshivos, where boys returning from Eretz Yisroel are told to “settle in” before they are allowed to date. This policy, once created with the best intentions, has become deeply harmful. It must stop.
We need our yeshivos — especially the major ones — to lead with courage. They must stop enforcing artificial delays in dating, and instead work hand in hand with the Gedolim and askanim who are trying to restore balance and save a generation from unnecessary pain.
Likewise, may I be bold enough to raise another sacred assumption: that every boy and girl must go to Eretz Yisroel after high school or be labeled as “less than.” While there are immense benefits to learning in Eretz Yisroel, we must stop treating it as the only path to success, especially when it creates real hardship in the shidduch parsha.
Is it possible that our communal pressure for every 18-year-old to spend a year (or years) “running around” in Eretz Yisroel — disconnected from the timeline and needs of the broader community — has contributed to the very crisis we are now so desperate to fix?
Yes, talmud Torah is a supreme value. But so is building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel. And so is listening to our Gedolim when they say, “It’s time to change the system.”
Let’s have the courage to act. To speak up. To change. To bring our boys home a bit earlier, and let them begin building their futures without unnecessary delay. And let’s give our daughters — each one a precious neshamah — the dignity and chance they so deeply deserve.
This is not a crisis of emunah. It is a crisis of community responsibility. We now have the opportunity — and the obligation — to fix it.
Sincerely,
Y.R.B.
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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10 Responses
It would be nice if it was a single item that was broken in the system and everyone was willing to work together to rectify the situation.
Unfortunately there are many items broken in the system, many of them having no correlation to others.
Additionally, there are too many out there who the broken system works wonders for and have no incentive to make any changes.
In similar situations, where I’m powerless to do anything meaningful, I look up to Hashem and daven.
WHY ARE WE SO FOCUSED ON GETTING PEOPLE MARRIED WHEN WE CAN’T KEEP THEM MARRIED??
Brech!
Another person writing a “heartfelt letter” having an “epiphany” just regurgitating the same tired talking points as though they just discovered them for the first time.
Why are these letters even published?
Singles today are picky picky picky
I think you hit it on the nail but not the one you’re thinking. The real crisis that I see is largely the gap between accomplished girls versus accomplished boys. By the time a girl is 23 she can easily be finished her masters degree while a boy at 23 is just learning who he himself is. It’s not an age gap crisis but accomplishment crisis where many accomplished girls want accomplished boys hence creating a false age gap crisis. As an aside there are plenty of 25 year old plus boys who aren’t getting any dates by virtue that they’re working and not learning full time in yeshiva. The crisis lies in Yeshiva boys and accomplished girls who then feel they have to settle on someone less then their caliber.
Hear we go again. More ranting. More doomsday nonsense. Blame games
I love how the new heartfelt letter writers say that they’re daughter hasn’t had a date in 3 years. Maybe soon they will write 5 years. Then they say if she’s not dating at 21 she will be an Agunah! More comedy
I would like to say if she’s normal and flexible and not living under a rock on the moon these writers are liars trying to push some agenda. What the agenda is and why and who is pushing it is the big question.
I’m still the non-believer. First, little to no numbers that are reliable. Those numbers being reported are collections of data that are so jumbled as to be statistically meaningless. That should noot imply that there are no singles. Sadly, there are plenty. But they are for such a variety of rerasons that efforts to group them together are just an effort at deception. We can all name several factors, whether the going to Eretz Yisroel (both boys in yeshiva and girls in seminary), the resistance to many boys going to learn towards careers (the lifelong learning myth as being for everyone), whether the standards as being unrealistic, whether the growing fears of the lies and deceptions of shadchanim, whether the virtual untruths being placed on shidduch resumes, whether the belief systems that give credence to financials and other non-ikar issues. All situations are different. There is no single issue that could be modified reasonably that will have any discernable impact.
Daven. Then daven some more. Have the bitachon that HKB”H has someone for everyone, and to allow that to happen without blocking it with obstacles.
The people pushing for this Lidicrous freezer, are rhe same people who said nor to vote at WZO, so I don’t take these people seriously.
Every girl who is picky wants a guy who is tall,a body builder,a Talmud chocam who is full time learner and a multi millionaire businessman. Does it exist. Oh and I forgot the main thing is that he should spend 24 hours a day with her and go on far off vacations every two weeks from Italy to the Bahamas.