There’s a well-known teaching from Chazal: טב למיתב טן דו מלמיתב ארמלו — better to live as two than to live alone. It’s a truth that has guided generations in building Jewish homes. Yet in today’s shidduch world, this simple wisdom is too often pushed aside in favor of an unhealthy fixation on “what will people say?”
I recently experienced this firsthand. Under unusual but fortunate circumstances, I met an eligible woman. We spoke for a few minutes, and the interaction was pleasant — enough that she expressed interest in meeting again. Later, while checking with a reference, she inquired of my age. Once she learned the number, she quickly withdrew.
What struck me was that my appearance hadn’t been an issue when we met, nor my personality or demeanor in conversation. The only thing that changed was the discovery of my age — as if a number on paper suddenly outweighed all else.
Not long after, I invested considerable time and thought into researching another potential shidduch. I weighed the facts carefully, even noting several factors that, objectively, were to her detriment. Still, I saw enough good to give a “yes,” hopeful that the essentials of middos and compatibility could make it work. Within a very short time, however, her answer came back as a firm “no” — again, not for any issue of values, health, or personality, but solely because of the age difference.
In earlier times, age gaps were not an obstacle when the fundamentals aligned. There are countless examples, even of the converse with women older than men, where mutual respect, shared values, and a commitment to building a life together mattered far more than the date on a birth certificate. Age could be a secondary consideration — perhaps relevant if health, looks, or energy level came into play — but it wasn’t a non‑starter.
When we reject potential shidduchim solely because of how it might look to others, we lose sight of the priorities our mesorah sets for us. Decisions of such importance should be guided by daas Torah, not by imagined whispers from the sidelines.
If we truly value building strong, enduring homes, we must be willing to look past arbitrary social norms and see the person in front of us — not just the number attached to their name.
Sincerely,
An Alter Bochur trying to navigate to the next chapter
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14 Responses
Isn’t it possible they just did not wanna go out with someone much older than them?
Don’t give up.
IYH you’ll get married and that will be a kaporas avoinas.
curious , when you were a young 25 yrs old , how many yesses did you give to 26-30 yr old girls?
Just asking…..
Large age differences are a factor in the establishment of the home, as well as the long term view for how later years will work. It might not be a spoiler, as many of us know couples who had age differences and managed well. But to deny that it matters is ignorance. It might not be all about “what would others say”.
From one AltehBucher to another.
Don’t give yeses to girls so quickly, as you are. And this goes for all boys of all ages and their parents.
Guys : Play it cool. Just as the girls do.
Al Das hamokom: your comment lacks empathy to another Yid’s tzar.
Why is the letter writer assuming the rejection was because of other people’s opinions?
It might be a personal thing.
Sorry, but age and age differentials is a relevant consideration to many young men and women for their own reasons, and unrelated to what others may think. Just like other attributes of a potential life-partner (i.e. height, weight, prior marital status, speaking style, etc. etc.) age may not matter to YOU but obviously it does matter to others and you cannot tell them what should or should not matter.
What age gap are you talking about? What is the number?? How much of an age gap would you say is too big a gap?? Is there any number, or would you endorse a 45 year old marrying a 21 year old?
What age gap are you talking about? What is the number?? How much of an age gap would you say is too big a gap?? Is there any number, or would you endorse a 45 year old marrying a 21 year old?
I also do not know ahy you think that the issue is what will people say. Maybe its the way SHE feels??
dear alter bochur, being that yo posted this letter to a public forum it seems you may want to hear what the peanut gallery taka has to say. so perhaps an oyd yesh loimar- why do you assume that the reason your age is a problem for her is because only bc what people will think, a ten year age gap may not be so significant if shes 20 and your 30, but when you get older – sometimes a man in his 70s starts to lose his koyach while a lady who is still very lively and energetic in her 60s would prefer to not start to deal with all the challenges that ziknus can sommetimes bring, and ladies do think about that. women like a guy who has energy and they see as youthful, not an old shleper. it seems your grandparents must be in very good health if you dont know what im refering to….
also, maybe ask yourself why you are giving yesses to girls so much younger than you in the first place, there are plenty of older single girls, i dont know your exact age, but perhaps you yourself taka care about what people think if youd marry an older girl and as chazal say “kol haposel bchavero bmumo posel”, do you sometimes say no to shidduchim out of fear what people will say…?
i dont know who you are and im not judging you or your situation, but people often assume that others think about things the way we do and then on such hanochos we build big theories in our head, but surprisingly these theories are sometimes not really true, as you referred to “imagined whispers from the sidelines”.
lmaaysih you should have much hatzlacha in finishing this stage of your life as an alter bochur and continue on to build a bayisneeman biyusrael with a zivug who is hagun for you in your own eyes!!!
Guys. You all give yeses too fast. Makes you look desperate.
Plat it cool . just like the girls do when they receive your yes.
Many men are davka looking for a woman significantly younger than them, either because they want to have children/more children or because that’s simply their preference. Everyone can look for what they’re looking for in shidduchim, but it doesn’t mean that the women these men are redt will want to marry someone significantly older than them, and it doesn’t mean the women are doing it out of “fear of what people will say”. It’s perfectly normal and legitimate to want a spouse close to your own age.
Haimy:
The ‘same age/older’ girls don’t get empathy from boys. How do I know? Im a shadchan who routinely hears from boys who are 26 “what? she’s over 25? Too old, sorry”. So, as with most of these gender slanted posts , it must be understood that shidduchim is a two- way street….
And…. I was an alte bochur as well, and ROUTINELY went out with girls older than me.