There’s a well-known teaching from Chazal: טב למיתב טן דו מלמיתב ארמלו — better to live as two than to live alone. It’s a truth that has guided generations in building Jewish homes. Yet in today’s shidduch world, this simple wisdom is too often pushed aside in favor of an unhealthy fixation on “what will people say?”

I recently experienced this firsthand. Under unusual but fortunate circumstances, I met an eligible woman. We spoke for a few minutes, and the interaction was pleasant — enough that she expressed interest in meeting again. Later, while checking with a reference, she inquired of my age. Once she learned the number, she quickly withdrew.

What struck me was that my appearance hadn’t been an issue when we met, nor my personality or demeanor in conversation. The only thing that changed was the discovery of my age — as if a number on paper suddenly outweighed all else.

Not long after, I invested considerable time and thought into researching another potential shidduch. I weighed the facts carefully, even noting several factors that, objectively, were to her detriment. Still, I saw enough good to give a “yes,” hopeful that the essentials of middos and compatibility could make it work. Within a very short time, however, her answer came back as a firm “no” — again, not for any issue of values, health, or personality, but solely because of the age difference.

In earlier times, age gaps were not an obstacle when the fundamentals aligned. There are countless examples, even of the converse with women older than men, where mutual respect, shared values, and a commitment to building a life together mattered far more than the date on a birth certificate. Age could be a secondary consideration — perhaps relevant if health, looks, or energy level came into play — but it wasn’t a non‑starter.

When we reject potential shidduchim solely because of how it might look to others, we lose sight of the priorities our mesorah sets for us. Decisions of such importance should be guided by daas Torah, not by imagined whispers from the sidelines.

If we truly value building strong, enduring homes, we must be willing to look past arbitrary social norms and see the person in front of us — not just the number attached to their name.

Sincerely,

An Alter Bochur trying to navigate to the next chapter

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