Dear Mothers-in-Law,
First, we want to say something important: we truly love having you for Yom Tov. Your presence brings warmth to the house, excitement for the children, family stories, traditions, and that special feeling that makes Yom Tov feel like Yom Tov. There is something beautiful about having another generation around the table and creating memories together.
We also know that you come because you want to help, spend time with your children and grandchildren, and simply be part of the family experience. We appreciate that more than you know.
With that said, we would like to gently offer one small request on behalf of daughters-in-law everywhere.
After the meal, if possible, please consider going to your room for a few hours to rest, relax, read, nap, or simply enjoy some quiet time — even if you don’t actually need the rest.
It may not seem like a big thing, but those afternoon hours can be incredibly helpful. It gives us a chance to clean up the kitchen, reset the house, organize the next meal, and handle the million little things that happen behind the scenes. There is something much easier about moving around freely and getting things done without feeling like someone is watching us work or feeling like we need to keep being “on” socially while doing it.
And if we’re being fully honest, those few hours can also give everyone a little breathing room. Not because we don’t love you, but because even people who love each other very much sometimes benefit from a little space during a long Yom Tov together.
The funny thing is that when everyone gets that break, the next seudah is usually even nicer. We come back refreshed, happier, more relaxed, and more able to enjoy being together.
So please know: disappearing for a little while in the afternoon is not abandoning the family. It may actually be one of the greatest acts of kindness you can give the family.
With love and appreciation,
The Daughters-in-Law
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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20 Responses
If that’s what you want then tell your mother in law but don’t post here on behalf of all of us. My mother in law can sit and relax wherever she wants when she’s at my house. I want her to feel comfortable. I want her to feel she’s at home.
Thanks daughter in-law. Tatty and I never thought of it that way. In fact, we felt sort of obligated to just be around: that is the primary purpose of our coming. But we appreciate your openness and advice.
With much love,
Mom
You are a selfish spoiled brat
I have never written a comment like I am about to write:
YOU ARE A SICK PERSON. SEEK HELP.
And NO! You do NOT speak in the name of “all daughter in-laws”.
You area terrible narcissist and your family – including your mother in law, are suffering terribly.
Nauseous, shame on you – the spoiled entitled generation,
Even the Goy Dumuh Ben Nesinah knew what respect for parents means….
Wow!
Grandma just got sent to her room! Does her daughter in law need a break to ease her mental load, give me a break, somebody call a wambulance! Showing proper respect to your elders is even if it’s inconvenient for you, seriously, what a snowflake.
What a disgusting letter
And it’s not just the concept, the words used are so disrespectful and rude
Learn to be comfortable around your in laws. Think of it as a gift you can give your spouse
Thank you Hashem for the relationship I have with my mother in law. I am a mother in law as well worth amazing daughter in laws. I can’t imagine any of them asking me to disappear….. it’s the opposite. Sure hope your children will treat you better. Have some hakaros hatov and if it’s to much, don’t have them.
All the best,
A very happy mil and dil
Well … depends on the m.i.l. And the d.i.l.
Some of the responses cross into personal attack. You can strongly disagree with the message, but calling someone “selfish,” “sick,” or a “narcissist” doesn’t add to the argument and doesn’t contribute to a respectful conversation.
There is another option, how about asking your mother-in-law to do the baby-sitting while you are going for a rest.
this has a certain non Jewish smell. Check yichus of said daughter in law
Getttt her 🔥
I’m not sure is BeHa”B was instituted for this Daughter in law or cor Mother in law or for both?
The letter writers tone seems like she’s not inviting her in laws as “guests” for 3 days, but rather for the yom tov “meals” and the mother in law is suppose to get lost afterwards and sit in her room alone because she can’t walk / drive home. The proper way to invite a guest, is that the guest should be respected, feel at home and be entertained, you don’t have to entertain the whole stay, so if the host would like a break, the “host” should go up to their room or go out for walk. There is no worse feeling for a guest than to feel as a burden or that they should leave and go up to their room! Its so hurtful. Imagine the mother in law would treat her daughter in law like this when daughter in law is the guest, “go up to your room, I need some space” they’d never come back!
Maybe don’t invite her if you don’t want her over
When you see someone jumping to question someone’s yichus, it usually means one thing…
These comments are truly something. Do you folks hear yourself?
Some people are more comfortable around in-laws than others, some people are naturally introverts, some people find it hard to make conversation and be in hosting-mode for multiple days straight. That said, a better option for this daughter-in-law would be to learn how to be herself around her mother-in-law instead of feeling like she’s gotta put up a front whenever her in-laws are in the house.
While every family dynamic is different, it is inappropriate to present this message as speaking “on behalf of daughters-in-law everywhere.” Many daughters-in-law deeply value and cherish time spent with their mothers-in-law during Yom Tov and would never view their presence as something needing to be managed or minimized.
Publicly posting a message suggesting that mothers-in-law should retreat to their rooms so others can feel more comfortable is hurtful, disrespectful, and inconsistent with Torah values of kavod, gratitude, kindness, and honoring family relationships. Yom Tov is about family, unity, chessed, and creating meaningful connections across generations — not subtly pushing people away under the guise of “space.”
If someone is struggling in a personal relationship with their mother-in-law, that is something to address privately, maturely, and respectfully, or perhaps with the guidance of a Rav or therapist. It should not be projected publicly onto an entire group of women or framed as though all daughters-in-law feel this way.
Please speak for yourself, not for “daughters-in-law everywhere.”