Post Article Remarks From Reb Shlomo Yehuda Rechnitz Regarding ‘Shidduch Crisis’

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image001Firstly, I’d like to thank those of you who took out the time to read the article. It is my fervent hope, that IY’H this will serve as an impetus to the change we so desperately need.

As this issue at hand is at the forefront of Klal Yisrael’s collective mind, I am extremely encouraged by the 1000 + responses that were received via email and forums for public comments. This assured me, without any doubt, that everyone would like to be of help in some way (even if it was just with another idea).

As I haven’t had the time as of yet to read each and every one of the responses,there are two observations that I feel I need to share.

1. I received at least three emails from “older” girls, who were very hurt, (and rightfully so) that I mentioned the harrowing statistics that face single girls over the age of twenty five. I can only imagine that some of those girls were not aware of the percentages, and some of the girls who did know, preferred for obvious reasons not to be reminded. I’m now sure that quite a few Shabbosim were ruined due to my lack of sensitivity.

This was not a complete oversight, but I should have probably discussed it with someone that has a lot more experience than I do. I thought about it long and hard before including those statistics. I assumed that while most girls would prefer it not be that blatant, they would understand that I was trying to convey this unprecedented catastrophe in the strongest possible terms, evoking the strongest reaction from the reader, thereby ultimately solving the real dilemma. All parents cringe (and some even cry) as they watch a pediatrician administer a vaccine injection into their baby who is shrieking, looking to their Mother for “help”. Obviously the parent realizes that this pain is temporary and will hopefully fend off a more severe, lengthy and painful illness.

It was exactly for this reason that I offered the $10,000 incentive in the immediate subsequent paragraph. I projected that this proposal would cost me a few million dollars (hopefully more), but I hoped that the girls would understand that we were going to do everything in our power, and IY’H be successful in substantially changing those statistics.

In addition, I decided yesterday that I would put together and fund a group of three Shadchanim whose sole focus would be to find Shidduchim for girls over the age of twenty four. (I plan on this group being ready within 60 days), however thinking back, I should have shown more sensitivity, or perhaps written it in softer words, and for that I ask any girl who was offended, to try to find it in their heart to be Mochel me.

With that I’d like to rephrase my words from the original article. “With the help of Askanim and the Roshei Yeshiva, all girls over the age of twenty five will IY’H find their Bashert in the near future”.

2. There were several comments that placed the blame of the “Shidduch Crisis” on the Roshei Yeshiva. While I can understand how such a misconception can arise, I can personally attest to the inaccuracy of those beliefs and assertions.

Firstly, the main reason I am focusing on this issue, is due to the constant requests and pleas that I receive from the Roshei Yeshiva. When meeting with Roshei Yeshiva and this issue comes up, you can literally see the anguish on their faces.

The problem is that there is absolutely no Rosh Hayeshiva today, who has close to the power, to persuade his Bochurim to diverge from the norm. Until most Yeshivos implement a new system, any single Rosh Hayeshiva, as a Yachid, who tries to persuade his Bochurim to make such a rash change, while other Yeshivas maintain the status quo, will be written off as ” not with the program” and has a good chance of losing his Bochurim with nothing accomplished. I don’t even believe that there are any three or four Roshei Yeshiva who can collaborate, attempt to implement a new plan, and be successful. Any new ideas, systems or changes, would have to be undertaken by a large percentage of Yeshivos to be successful. It is for this reason that the Roshei Yeshiva are tirelessly working together with the Askanim to develop a cohesive group of Yeshivos to act quickly and develop a program that solves the crisis without compromising the high quality of today’s Bochurim. I’m confident that IY’H, we will be successful.

Shlomo Yehuda.

(YWN World Headquarters – NYC)




36 COMMENTS

  1. If WE TRULY WANT WITH HASHEM’S HELP TO RESOLVE THE SHIDDUCHIM PROBLEM WE MUST DO THE FOLLOWING;(1)Daven to Hashem that every one find their basheriet very soon.(2)Get ALL ROSHEI YESHIVAS TO AGREE NOT TO HOLD BACK ANY BOCHUIRIM FROM DATING.(3)Any yeshiva boy that demands to only go on dates with rich girls AND girls that wears size dress under 8 ,THE ROSH YESHIVA WILL NOT ATTEND HIS WEDDING.

  2. Good point. Those of us who are older, remember the smashing success that the “Simcha Guidlines” was! That also had many “signatures”. The rules were broken almost immediately! Of course they were all “exceptions”! Lol!
    Unfortunately we live in a “don’t tell me what to do” generation!

    Btw, I didn’t see anywhere in the articles the fact that a Bas Kol comes out 40 days before a person is born………..! When you take HKB”H out of the picture, boy do you have Tzaros. Hatzlacha to all.

  3. I do not at all mean to be chutzpadik and I am in awe of R’ Shlomo Yehuda’s drive to help Klal Yisrael but I do have one issue. It seems R’ SY is asking the bochurim to ‘be like Nachshon’ when it comes to going against the (unfortunate) ‘norms’ yet it comes to the Roshei Yeshiva, we are told that they can’t be like Nachshon because they will lose their Yeshivas. Please understand, I have nothing but respect for Roshei Yeshiva, I am not bitter or disillusioned, and I am a product of great Yeshivas headed by great Roshei Yeshiva whom I respect, but this seems very strange to me. What kind of message is being sent when we are asking the bochurim to do something that their Rebbeim ‘can’t’ because of societal pressure? Unless I misunderstood…

  4. “In addition, I decided yesterday that I would put together and fund a group of three Shadchanim whose sole focus would be to find Shidduchim for girls over the age of twenty four.”

    How will this help. Mr. Rechnitz himself acknowledges that the problem is that there are not enough boys for all the girls to be able to get married.

    More shadchanim will not create more boys.

    The problem isn’t a lack of shadchanim.

  5. “Until most Yeshivos implement a new system, any single Rosh Hayeshiva, as a Yachid, who tries to persuade his Bochurim to make such a rash change, while other Yeshivas maintain the status quo, will be written off as ” not with the program” and has a good chance of losing his Bochurim with nothing accomplished.”

    So let all or most of the Roshei Yeshiva change the system jointly at the same time.

  6. It’s far too short sighted to blame the shidduch crisis/catastrophe on one problem. Only someone not dating could possibly say such a thing. Firstly, there are plenty of Israeli chareidim who have the same issues. I know plenty of wonderful people in EY from great families who are still single. There are many causes of the problem starting with parents of boys and girls who are nixing great shidduch ideas for petty reasons moving on to the daters themselves who have no education on what is important to look for and what is not and have too many expectations. Then there are the shadchanim who suggest stupid ideas and claim to be making hishtadlus and who never ask questions of the daters and parents as to why they said no before or after a date. Many times with a few questions the issue could be overcome or clarified. Due to this the issues just become worse.

  7. I say the problem is not the yeshiva system which is designed to accommodate the shidduch process. the problem is the Kollel system. In Israel there is a different Kollel system and that’s why they can marry young. Marrying older is to be able to stay in Kollel as long as possible. If we change the system then the boys will naturally marry younger like the chassidim and the Israelis. His idea of a shaddchan fund is a good one. it’s a band aid but is a necessary one, boys have to be encouraged to marry older girls. they are smarter and have more money (it helps)

  8. Their is a more underlying problem here. Guys are being asked to marry early with out having a true parnassah and not every one can support their kids while their kids are trying to figure it out. and the older girls would not go out the guys who can not make a living. The biggest form of Tzadaka you can do Reb Shlomo, is help people in your community find jobs. Their are plenty of people married with families that cant earn the living that is required to stay frum. So their is a double issue here if you ask me.

  9. r shlomo yehuda
    firstly great new disc “shir”!
    second great article!
    you apparently did your homework and are very aware of the talmid rebbi process 2nd year 3r year bais medrash..e”y..brisk..bmg etc etc
    here are another 2 new suggestions to maybe pursue for some: (i think there is no one single in the box solution but rather should be a little of each option to slowly solve the problem across the board and have bochurim start shiduchim at 21
    1. what if american bochurim go to e”y after 1st year max 2nd year bais medrash at 19, and learn 3rd 4th year in e”y and return to usa for shiduchim at 21.
    there are enough american talmidei chachomim in e”y to be rabbeim and create the rebbi talmid process.
    another option start a trend for some 18yr old american bochurim to go to ponovizh chevron maalos hatorah kol torah for 2-3 years and return at 21 for shiduchim.
    even those that want brisk im sure a trend to go to brisk at 18 can be started too, and the brisker roshei yeshiva will be more then happy to accept 18yr olds that can be better molded as talmidim, and will be happier with 18yr old over a boycott of no bochurim…
    2. have a meeting with a 20 yr old group from reb mottel dick , r slomowitz, etc etc that if they start shiduchim at this age, the first 20 that get engaged will get guaranteed spot in shiur in brisk “af en tish” after chasuna without waiting to get into shiur and x amount of years support in e”y…(money talks to all parties involved … brisk too..of course lshem shomaim etc etc).
    this will create a trend that every zman the first group of 21 year olds that start shiduchim before going to e”y and get engaged win this x year of support and guarantee in to brisk and shiur after the chasuna…trust me this will start a trend of all competing to win this lotto…
    basically these ways are efsher lekayem shneihem going to e”y and still starting shiduchim earlier…by either brisk after chasuna as above and staying in america the whole 3 years bais medrash, or going to e’y yeshivas after 1st year bais medrash in usa and returning for shiduchm after 2 years in e”y at 21.
    good luck with all your well intended askonus!

  10. Another idea:

    A GUIDE, published with the haskamos of all Roshei Yeshiva to dating and shidduchim in general with real-life examples and stories accompanying it of how bochurim and girls have married for the right reasons and the right qualities and 10/20/30/50 years later their life is one of pure bliss. Seeking long term satisfaction and erlicheh children rather then immediate satisfaction.

    How relationships are not “chosen” but rather created with long term patience and care.

    How the fleeting externals can change dramatically later on in life.

    How true happiness is born of commitment, respect , and kavod habriyos and not the reverse.

    How the current methods for seeking a spouse are skewed in favor of western ideals – of course with “hashkafah and tznius” thrown in to kasher the mix, but we all know that our zeides and bubbes did not date this way.

    After all that, the age spread can be dealt with effectively.

    As the article stated: the Chassidishe don’t have this problem and my guess is they are no less “bright” then their American yeshivishe counterparts.

    Can we inculcate these ideals in our American bochurim?

  11. In my own experience in dealing with my own daughters’ shidduchim is the shadchanim themselves are very inaccessible. They do not answer calls, pick up voice mail messages, return emails and when you are finally able to reach them and arrange a meeting, they give you 5 minutes. The they say to call them every two weeks to remind them, but you can never reach them. There is one shaddchan I’ve trying to reach since the middle of May and have thus far been unable to reach!

  12. Let the ‘guys’ respond
    I’m a twenty seven year old boy currently learning in Bais Medrash Gavoah of Lakewood. There are hundreds of us, and, believe it or not, we too all would have liked to have gotten married yesterday. It might not be a “Catastrophe”, but it’s definitely a crisis. We too feel the pain of loneliness, and, let me tell you, it isn’t easy watching your former classmate walk his four old son to kindergarten. Thank God we are able to keep ourselves occupied with Toras Chaim, which instills our hearts with the purest joy, and through this tremendous gift from above, we can allow our minds to escape our sorrow. But, let me tell you, it isn’t easy.
    Are we to blame? Are we not traveling across the globe to meet girl after girl, time after time, again and again? Are we rejecting the girls so much more than the girls are rejecting us? All boys will confirm that a twenty year old girl is just as prone to reject a boy, whether before the actual date or afterward, as the boy will reject the girl. And, yes, many of these proud female ‘dumpers’ end up being the daunting addition to some latest statistic – and “those picky boys” are left out and about to carry the blame. Does a girl have the right to demand a tall, broad, dark, handsome, masmid – who is also “with it”, major lamdan, best boy in yeshiva up until she turns twenty five; and then approach the nearest ‘askan’ with tears running down her face, begging him to look around on the other side of the mechitza for a boy that would be willing to date her?!
    You want to change a successful system while there are still thousands of boys all waiting, and begging, to date just about anyone? Older boys have a fairly difficult time getting dates too! (I know you’re all assuming that I’m probably some loser who, nebuch, can’t get a date for the life of himself and thinks this is a universal problem. But let me assure you, what I’m writing here could have been written by, at least, a few hundred boys in Lakewood.) The facts are that the older boys get the more open they are to dating an older girl. Granted it’s still hard to get even an older boy to date a girl his own age, but I have yet to see a twenty five year old boy reject a twenty two year old girl, or a twenty seven year old boy reject a twenty five year old girl.
    FYI: Shadchanim DO NOT give the same amount of time to older boys as they give to fresh boys. Gone are the days when the shadchanim would greet me with a smile on there faces, opening their files to allow me access to their ‘lineup’. When a boy hits twenty five the shadchanim avoid him like a plague, running from him as if he was a contagious disease. I don’t think they are to blame and I totally understand them (and would probably do the same if I was a shadchan). The facts are that it is easier to match up a younger girl with a younger boy, people, boys and girls, are simpler at a younger age. The Shadchanim need to make a livelihood, and even the simplest businessman realizes that it’s smarter to invest your time with a higher probability of a profit.
    One more point I’d like to make is that, sadly, I personally find that older girls, over time, lose their respect for Bnai Torah, and for Limud haTorah in general. Many girls, even those who wanted ‘very long term learners’ when they were twenty, by the time they hit twenty four will not date a boy who does not have specific ‘financial plan’. I don’t know why this is? It may be the environment of the workforce, the fact that they forget the values they picked up in their year in seminary, or simply a reaction of their bitterness toward the system, but, in any case, the conclusion remains the same: there aren’t many older girls available and up to par for an older, serious learning boy.
    With respect,
    Just another Irv Boy

  13. I hate to be cynical, but perhaps he can start a fund for all those fathers who are being asked to promise the world just so that their daughters will have a boy say yes to a date.

    Did anyone do a study of those girls not married? What percentage of those girls come from homes where they cant/didnt promise the world to a boy, or have parents who do everything in their power to hinder their childs shidduch by saying or doing stupid things, how many of them are “out of the box” to begin with? Perhaps by looking at those still single we can determine why this is so and to see if those reasons can be addressed.

  14. I am trying to reach the two major shadchanim in Lakewood to tell them that I will be glad to help out boys who are earner/learners as they may not be working with that type of boy now. Many parents of boys feel they cannot get a good shidduch for their sons if their sons are attending college or working (while being kovei itim l’Torah at the same time). This is not true. If you feel your son should be responsible for parnasa in the future, please encourage your sons to do what they have to do. They will not lose out in the shidduch world as a result of their hishtadlus. This will help out the shidduch “crisis” because finances on the part of the girl (and her parents) won’t have to be such an important factor if the boy is going to work. And if those boys want to wait a bit longer to get married so they can complete (or nearly complete) their education first…about 24 or 25…then they can marry girls of their age at that point in time. And being more mature, they will APPRECIATE marrying a girl who is also more mature..not a 19 or 20 year old who they will have nothing in common with in regard to life experiences.

  15. I have seen that girls reject going out with wonderful boys because these boys are pursuing a career so that they can have parnassah. They have heard in seminary that a good marriage begins with several years of sitting and learning. They will not waver from that. This idea actually makes for an upside down shidduch situation. These girls wait and wait, and pass up good boys. Many are still waiting into their thirties. And these so called learning boys feel they can
    Pick the pretty, slim, rich , young girls.
    The divorce rate is horrendous. Good qualities are overlooked for superficial ones. Wake up parents and teach your kids what is right from wrong.

  16. You may agree or disagree to Shlomo Yehuda’s program, but the fact is , the man is getting up and doing the utmost someone in his position can possibly do, and KOL HAKAVOD to him!!

    WE must just continue our tefilos that all our children, boys and girls will find their bashert, in the right time.Let us not forget also that THERE IS A G-D THAT RUNS THE WORLD AND DECIDES WHEN EACH AND EVERY PERSON WILL GET MARRIED.

    And he awaits our continuous prayers….

  17. To Whatever 613 – Many girls who are older do not feel comfortable dating older guys still learning full time because they see how difficult it is financial wise for their friends who married full time learners years ago. They see the stress that their friends are under to be both the breadwinner and the mother/wife, and they have decided they do not want that lifestyle even though when they were younger and more idealistic it was their dream. In addition, the parents of these older girls may be burnt out (and spent out) from supporting other siblings and this remaining sibling knows that her parents cannot help her at this point in time. Having said all that, if you would like to connect with me for ideas, you can post your email address if you wish to and i will email you. (or if the site adminstrator is willing, email it to him and hopefully they will email it to me as they know my email addreess). You may decide to start pursuing some kind of education for future parnasa. It may open up more shidduch possibliites for you. I hope your bashert arrives very soon!

  18. To Frum-n-fair – I know plenty of girls who would be interested in boys who are planning for parnasa or already working and kovei itim. If you email the site hopefully they can send me your email address if you want to connect.

  19. Dear Mr. Rechnitz and everyone else who reads this,

    I doubt this will actually be read and if it is, that anything will be done about it. Why, because I have approached so many Rabbanim, Shadchanim, business owners, tzedakah foundations, and more. So much so, that I have offered people money if I was wrong. And sure enough, at the end of the day I was right.

    However, in the off chance that it will actually make a difference, here I go.

    I have been involved with the singles for many years now. I have made events, chatted with them, held group discussions and more. I do not believe that there is a “shidduch crisis”. I believe that some do not know how to date, while others do not know whom to speak with. As a Master Professional Coach specializing in relationships, I can tell you that my workshops hit home. But I’m just touching the tip of the iceberg. Recently, I was speaking at the Beth Jacob of Beverly Hills Friday night dinner. While my interactive workshop ended at 10 pm, the participants had my full attention until 12:30am, asking all sorts of private dating questions & scenarios. They need help, they need direction, they need guidance from someone who understands them!

    If you or anyone else really cares to discuss this, feel free to email me at peacefulresolutionsusa@gmail.com or call me (845)548-7395

    Sincerely,

    Yaakov Grunstein MCPC, HKP

  20. What you see from all these comments is that there are many many factors & issues causing people to have difficulty getting married. Its not the system that’s broken & nothing has to be changed. The only thing that can be tweaked is peoples attitude.

  21. I am a chasidishe Bais Yaakov graduate with many former classmates who are litvish.

    My children are all B”H married, but I have some friends’ daughters who may very well be the subjects of this article.

    These desperate mothers envy me for not having to go through what they have been enduring with each of their daughters.

    My observations:

    I asked them if – when their sons were into shidduchim – they took into consideration their own daughters when talking to shadchanim regarding THEIR expectations of prospective kallahs.

    Another thing that appalls me (something that is unheard of in the chasidishe world) is how openly these girls are ‘on the table’ in the litvishe yeshiva world. My sons who learned in Lakewood were sickened to hear how easily girls’ reputations were publicly destroyed by boys who either did not care for a particular date, or, even worse, after being rejected by a date.

    Ironically, amongst chasidim it is not uncommon for an older girl to marry a younger boy. Not that I am promoting this, but (being a mother of several boys) I don’t see how, sitting in a yeshiva without a care in the world other than learning, the 22 year old gets to become much more mature than the 20 year old.

    We are living in very challenging times as it is. There are so few job opportunities even for the well-educated. When I got married there were positions available for all skill levels. Today, manufacturing is done overseas, computers have replaced most office workers, and the internet has taken over thousands of retail stores that had employed so many.

    At the same time, rents and utilities are astronomical. I worry so much for my children and grandchildren.

    The Satmar Rebbe was very against long-term kollel learning. With the women out there working to support their husbands, the tables have turned so drastically. Do you think he might have been onto something??

  22. Coming from a shadchans point of view, I deal with many people ages varies from younger to older and I’ve noticed that unfortunately people have their priorities mixed up the first question I’m usually asked is the girl skinny how skinny is she pretty and they want to see a picture. It saddens me to see that the focus is directed at the physical appearance and size of the girl rather then 9 her middos character traits good qualities hashkafa… I’ve said this so many times if it’s just about the size 0 what happens when she’s pregnant do you not like her. Of course you have to be attracted but if you look into someone and they sound great but their not the model you pictured in your head I think it should be given a chance and you might just be attracted in person and attraction can grow with time. Focus on finding the one who’ll bring out the best in you, who’ll be the best spouse and best parent for your kids who’ll treat you like a gem with great middos. Don’t judge based on a picture. I wish there can be something done that no pictures can be sent to the potential match and if they really insist it should be after all research has been done and both sides agree to date, the decision should not be based on the picture or what size the girl.

  23. A big Yesher Koach to R. Shlomo Yehuda for taking an interest and getting involved. I think it is fair to say that his presence in this issue has already made a difference to many people and given many people a new sense of hope.

    I am however a bit concerned that the problem may have been misdiagnosed and as such even though significant resources may be devoted to resolving it, the solution may ultimately not succeed.

    It is clear that there are more girls in the population than boys. Assuming equivalent birth rates, mortality rates etc; at any given time there should be an equivalent number of boy singles and girl singles around, ignoring their respective ages for the moment. This is obviously not true. The implication of this is that if the solution that was proposed is successful, all it will accomplish is to change the age distribution of the single population, without actually reducing the total number of singles.

    In my opinion, the most likely factor to account for the surplus of girls is the fact that boys are more likely to go off-the-derech (OTD) than girls and sooner. This compounded through a number of years will cause the surplus that we are seeing now. The reasons for this are for another forum.

    With this in mind, I would like to make the following practical suggestions to try to get to the bottom of this:

    1. A task-team be set up to study the problem. This team should include but not be limited to: an actuary, a sociologist and a psychologist. The team must have a clear time frame and must be tasked with objectively quantifying the problem, identifying causes and proposing solutions. The whole process must be EVIDENCE based. No more theories!
    2. Notwithstanding the task team proposed above, it needs to be pointed out that the shidduch crisis for girls is the shidduch bonanza for boys. Hence the ruinous demands that some boys feel they are entitled to make of the girls’ families. As such, any solution will need to come from the girls, as it is hardly likely that the boys will suddenly act to change a system of which they are the main beneficiaries! If I am correct in this, the advise I would give is that girls need to redefine what they see as the ideal match and extend their net to include boys that were hitherto not suitable. They may just be pleasantly surprised…

    I sincerely hope that this helps.

  24. A big yasher koach if i could just add that while the age gap is a definite factor but since the assumption is that the equal amount of boys and girls are born every year. Then if all 23 year old boys marry 19 year old girls then the crisis shouldn’t of happened(besides that first gap 50 years ago). I think the real reason is
    A) that the girls are doing a better job then the boys and their are far more better girls. Not faulting any Yeshiva, just as parents of boys we know its much harder to raise boys.
    B) Parents expectations for their girls are to high (given the shortage of boys) and they have to lower expectations not everyone is getting the godol hador thank you

  25. PLEASE READ:

    I would like to make some points that I think almost everyone has missed although a few people have alluded.

    This issue we face today is not cause by the age gap ( I got married at 30 so am very in tune with what goes on in the mind of the boys and maybe some of the girls as I have dated over 100 of them be for getting married), the main reason I beleive is because of our own middos. We sit and we judge and we say we dont want to date that person for this reason and that person for that reason and alot of times its the parents meddling with their own insecurities and wants. I am not going to go into great detail now but if anyone wants a deeper insight I am willing delve into it with them.

    In short this is what needs to be done, in my opinion:

    1. All boys and girls should not be allowed to say no to any potential shidduch. Obviously the basic argument is how can we take away this right and it is hard but should be done. However if a boy or girl is adamant about not going out with someone then they can have a Shadchan or rav look it over and he must give his blessing to say no.

    2. There should be a list of questions allowed to be asked by parents and no others!….I dont need to get into the crazy questions people ask (my parents as well)

    3. And probably most important…STOP TELLING GIRLS WHO THEY SHOULD MARRY, this is aimed at the schools and the seminarys. Not every girl needs to marry a kollel guy and by the time they realize they’ve been dating the wrong guy they are 27 and wasted valuable years. This is a major issue and if you think its not true ask the girls they are told they must marry a learner..maybe not every seminary but enough say this and are embarrassed to date anyone else because of what their friends or parents might think or say. We must stop making people date the people we want them to marry. Each person needs to have their own mind and know what they want..WE NEED TO MAKE IT KNOW IT IS OK TO MARRY WHOMEVER YOU WANT AS LONG AS YOUR HAPPY.

    4. RESUMES….this is a major issue most people dont write who they are they write who they want people to think they are….if you want a tv its ok…if you go to movies its ok…stop making them look for something they dont want.

    5. Boys- it is ok to work you dont need to sit and learn in yeshiva…this is a major issue too many boys are sitting and learning way longer than they should and they do this because they think thats what needs to be done…it isn’t. You can work and learn too….after all in ten years thats what everyone expects anyways.its not for everyone and shouldn’t be pushed on anyone.

    Bottom line…the rabbonim need to come out publicly very strongly stating you dont have to be in yeshiva! You dont have to marry a kollel guy! Its good not to have tv but doesnt mean you shouldn’t get married because the guy/girl you love wants one..i have a number of more things here but can not sit and write all day so ill say this….any person who thinks these are good ideas or would like me to elaborate please reply to the comment with your email and I will reach out.

    I hope these comments reach the right ears.

  26. I would like to add another idea…there are many girls as well as guys that would like to date a particular person but are too shy or embarrassed to either approach them or have someone else approach them I propose there should be a website or hotline where someone can submit anonymously a shidduch idea and no one should know who submitted or suggested it unless they want it to be known. Then there can be shadchan from every city that will be able to see these suggestions and set them up. Therefore if Samuel wants to date Chana but doesnt know how to get it done he can submit and someone will approach them. The boys and girls should also not know that it came through this site or hotline so that neither knows it was the other perso who pushed it. They can tell them if they wish when the time is right.

  27. Dear Realisticguy,

    Stop being shy and embarrassed. Go over to the girl! We don’t bite. What’s the worst that could happen? So you’ll get rejected, big deal. Most of the time it’ll be a good experience and the girl will respond positively. I was just at a wedding the other day and a guy asked my name and if he could contact me on facebook. I gave him my name and said sure. It’s that easy. You’ll be surprised to find that it’s easier than you think. Try it.

    Sincerely,

    realistic girl

  28. To realistic guy – I totally agree with your points, especially number 3 and number 5. And I would like to reiterate again – there are PLENTY of frum nice young ladies who would be happy to date your sons who are going to college at night or taking other courses in order to make a living OR who are currently working but sincerely kovei itim. And to those girls who are still holding out for a learning boy (especially those girls who are 24 and older), please consider a boy who is in one of these categories. As long as the boy is a mentch with good middos, you will not be sorry. As a matter of fact those boys will have proven that they can devote time to learning while getting educated or working. If you marry a full time learner, he has not proven whether he will be able get educated/work and still find time for learning.

  29. Dear realisticgirl,

    I appreciate your confidence in me but I dont think my wife would appreciate me doing that;)

    P.s. read both my comments especially the first one

  30. if they will follow the directive of chza’l aka torah ball peh, ‘ben shemona esra lechupah’ the ‘shidduch crisi’s would be minimal. like in our communities ..(those communities who observe it).my imm. fam all have k’y a toal of40 child..married bet 18-21 all b’h happy all almost all married the 1st..if you wait till 25, go out with 10 girls each one 5-10 times besides alot of other aveiros you get confused

    if they will