July 15, 2009 2:48 pm at 2:48 pm #1173372
Great one, Kapusta, thanksJuly 15, 2009 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #1173373
A young woman wasn’t feeling well, so she asked one her
co-workers to recommend a physician.
“I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive.
Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred
dollars for each one after that.”
The woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save a
little money, cheerily announced, “I’m back!”
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and
said, “Very good. Just continue the treatment I prescribed
on your last visit.”July 15, 2009 10:48 pm at 10:48 pm #1173374
mepal, good. I see nameless has joined our little gang. We’ll have to watch out.
nameless, nice!July 15, 2009 10:59 pm at 10:59 pm #1173375
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
It’s easier to fight for ones’ principles than to live up to them.
I don’t mind going anywhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
I don’t get even, I get older.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. round is a shape.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.July 16, 2009 2:38 am at 2:38 am #1173376
definitely agree to the last one (this place is keeping me young)July 16, 2009 5:17 am at 5:17 am #1173379
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was
taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not
speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought
this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the
area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with
the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as
he rolled past at a snail’s pace.
Two week later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.
Men . .July 16, 2009 5:31 am at 5:31 am #1173380
> > JEWISH POKER CLUB
> > Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in
> > the condo
> > clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches
> > his chest, and
> > drops dead at the table.
> > Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five
> > continue playing,
> > but standing up.
> > At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks,
> > “So, who’s gonna
> > tell his vife?”
> > They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to
> > carry the news.
> > They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a
> > bad situation any
> > worse.
> > “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person
> > you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my
> > middle name. Leave it to me.”
> > Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on
> > the door. The wife
> > answers through the door and asks what he wants?
> > Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a
> > poker game and is
> > afraid to come home.”
> > “Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
> > “I’ll go tell him.” says GoldbergJuly 16, 2009 5:35 am at 5:35 am #1173381
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy
that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made
$750 billion disappear
The economy is so bad:
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t
paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer
PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer
People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s
A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting
People in Africa are donating money to Americans
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate, do you know
how many kids are starving in the US?”
Motel Six wont leave the light on
The Mafia is laying off judgeJuly 16, 2009 5:56 am at 5:56 am #1173382
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland . One is holding a large cross and the other a large star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by they lift their noses at the guy holding the star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A bystander watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, “Don’t you realize that this is a Christian country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”
The guy holding the star of David then turns to the guy holding the cross and says, “Chaim, look who`s trying to teach us marketing.”July 16, 2009 6:06 am at 6:06 am #1173383ambushParticipant
oh my mepal! that previos ski’ing joke was HYSTERICAL!
thanks for the laugh!
just for the future-
put a disclaimer before the joke:
“peoples reading this post may not want to read and drink at the same time. Poster will not pay for water damage”July 16, 2009 6:45 am at 6:45 am #1173384
why were you? lol ;PJuly 16, 2009 1:06 pm at 1:06 pm #1173385
lol ambush! Sorry to be the cause of your spilled water 😉July 16, 2009 3:45 pm at 3:45 pm #1173386
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ” Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping.She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said,
“Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.”July 21, 2009 7:53 pm at 7:53 pm #1173392
A man meets his good friend , a notorious insurance scammer, and says’ I heard your house was on fire’,
‘Shh, only next week’, was his reply.July 21, 2009 8:29 pm at 8:29 pm #1173393purplegirlMember
a blonde was enroute t san diego when she saw a pickup stopped @ the side of the road, being the concerned type she pulled over 2 offer her services. the driver had broken down and only passenger was a cute little monkey he asked the blonde 2 please bring the monkey 2 the san diego zoo and will give her 100$. hours later the driver returned 2 san diego and saw 2 his astonishment the blonde walking around holding the hand of the little monkey to the delight of the crowd. he was really upset, “i gave u 100$ 2 take this little guy 2 the zoo y ru here?”
“oh” replied the blodnde ” but we had extra money so were goin 2 seaworld!!”
mod 80July 22, 2009 4:35 pm at 4:35 pm #1173395BasYisroel2Participant
A rubber band was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption
Building the ark
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.”
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. “OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. “Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.” And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. “Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where is my Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the Proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked, hopefully.
“No,” said the Lord sadly, “Government already has.”
-The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
“I’m the Boss!”
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”July 23, 2009 1:42 pm at 1:42 pm #1173396squeakParticipant
A pre-med student was required to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. The student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
“To save lives,” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.
“It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.July 23, 2009 10:06 pm at 10:06 pm #1173397CrashOverrideMember
Quoted from The Telegraph (UK newspaper)
Fake bus stop keeps Alzheimer’s patients from escaping
A nursing home in Germany built an exact replica of a bus stop in front of the facility. The only difference is that buses never stop there.July 24, 2009 9:07 am at 9:07 am #1173398matzahlocaol101Member
you left out half the thought when you wrote:
“If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice? “
and if two dice are dice and one dice is a di, how come I don’t live in the first hi on a street with five hice?
How come two gooses are geese but two mooses aren’t meese?July 26, 2009 10:50 pm at 10:50 pm #1173399
There’s a little problem here. h2 is probably gonna come home from camp this week and wont be very happy upon finding this thread off the page with no new jokes. Whos got something?July 27, 2009 6:57 pm at 6:57 pm #1173400
i am! i mean do!July 31, 2009 6:21 am at 6:21 am #1173404h2Member
hello! i’m finally back from camp. thanks a lot for not letting this fall too far down. i think i came home just in time to help thi thread. not my best but this will do for now:
A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.
Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, “You kids are a lot of fun. I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the man tells the kids, “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.
A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. “Look,” he says, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?”
“A freakin’ quarter?” the drum leader exclaims. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts. We quit.”July 31, 2009 1:22 pm at 1:22 pm #1173405
h2, I actually have some jokes specifically for this thread, but haven’t been able to post them yet. Hope to get around to it sometime soon.
btw, welcome back from camp!July 31, 2009 4:23 pm at 4:23 pm #1173406
There was a ‘wanabe Cantor’ who came to a small town for a weekend and asked for the
The crowd obliged and he went up there ‘krechtzing’ away.
When he was finished someone approached him and made the following remark;
‘You are definitly a better Cantor than Yossele Rosenblatt’
Beaming at the compliment he replied, ‘Really?’
‘Sure, when HE sang, people cried. When YOU sing, people laugh!!!August 1, 2009 8:37 pm at 8:37 pm #1173407
A woman asked her husband to unload the washing machine to the drier and set it , so that when she gets home she can fold the laundy. She got home, he had already left, and saw he left her a note.
I hope you appreaciate all I do,
I am a pro at helping you!
She walked over to the drier which was still spinning. She opened it up to feel how wet the clothes still were only to discover that he turned on the drier, but forgot the load the clothes in from washing machine.
So she wrote him back a note:
You’re the guy I’d never hire,
Thanks for turning on an empty drier!!
You gotta have humor in your marriage!!August 4, 2009 2:02 pm at 2:02 pm #1173409
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo’s own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payrole.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!
although it is a cute story, it is nothing more that an urban myth that started out as an April fools joke in a UK newspaper.August 4, 2009 4:32 pm at 4:32 pm #1173410feivelParticipant
imagine if he wanted to do Tshuvah he would have to return the money and ask mechilah from every person he stole from! impossible. Teshuva requires one to rectify the situation and gain mechilah from the wronged parties, crying out to Hashem in repentace is not enough (though it helps)
thats the same situation for a baal loshon harah
which is why it is said a baal loshon haroh will probably not have a cheilek in Olom Haboh.
not too humorousAugust 4, 2009 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #1173411
Wow! Good point, feivel!August 4, 2009 4:44 pm at 4:44 pm #1173412
Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure because…:
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” means.
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” means.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” means.
In China they didn’t know What “opinion” means.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” means.
In South America they didn’t know what “please” means.
In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meansAugust 5, 2009 8:27 pm at 8:27 pm #1173415
45 or 82?
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”
“What do you mean?” he replied. “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”
“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.
“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82, then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.”
“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel, and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”August 6, 2009 4:19 pm at 4:19 pm #1173418
A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?”August 6, 2009 4:26 pm at 4:26 pm #1173419
My wife loves sales. She’ll buy anything that’s marked Down. Yesterday she came home with an ESCALATOR.August 6, 2009 4:31 pm at 4:31 pm #1173420
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”August 6, 2009 4:31 pm at 4:31 pm #1173421workingMember
mepal i like that one. very cute. keep it upAugust 6, 2009 6:54 pm at 6:54 pm #1173423
Money is not everything.
There’s Mastercard & Visa.August 12, 2009 11:26 pm at 11:26 pm #1173426
not my best but…
Sam was out shopping at the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
“So what have you just purchased Abe?” Sam asks.
“So what did you get her?” Sam asks.
Abe replies, smiling, “I bought her a pack of cards.”August 14, 2009 5:12 am at 5:12 am #1173427h2Member
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says “you must be in management.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”August 14, 2009 5:56 am at 5:56 am #1173428August 16, 2009 8:15 pm at 8:15 pm #1173429
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents. ‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him…
Sum Ting WongAugust 16, 2009 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #1173430
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’
Esther always replied,
‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
‘Esther, I’m 85 years old.
If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’
To this, Esther replied,
‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.
‘Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!August 17, 2009 1:15 am at 1:15 am #1173431
Beautiful, welcome to the humor thread! They’re really good. Keep ’em comin!August 17, 2009 2:10 am at 2:10 am #1173432
Abbott and Costello
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and not too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’………….August 18, 2009 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm #1173433labochurMember
This may be a repeat:
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping. (Shux, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???…..)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????….)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time)?
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness…” (and…I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to…what)?
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)August 19, 2009 6:32 pm at 6:32 pm #1173435
A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
>phone in the kitchen rings.
>”Hello,” says the man answering it.
>”Hi,” says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the
>”Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”
>”Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d
>be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
>had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”
>”What sort of a problem?”
>”Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
>emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
>matress, it fell out.”
>”Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?”
>”Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just
>put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”
>”Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
>”Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
>that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”
>”That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
>”In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!”
>”And how did you lock it?”
>”First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
>and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says the
>housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
>”Good! And where did you put the key?”
>”In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
>”Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.
>”Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
>Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
>going to be so surprised.”
>”Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
>”Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”
>”You too, Tiffany. Good night.”
>The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
>with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”August 20, 2009 2:50 pm at 2:50 pm #1173436
A 30-year-old BLONDE decides to try horseback riding for the first time.
With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted,
and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a
She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides
down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now
at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune…..
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.August 20, 2009 7:24 pm at 7:24 pm #1173437areivimzehlazehParticipant
quite humorous!August 23, 2009 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #1173438
real life humor:
last night, I mistakenly (very very mistakenly) wrote in a text to someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time, (obviously the second part was in reference to something completely different than the first “Hows life? You’re finishing this week, no?”August 23, 2009 7:14 pm at 7:14 pm #1173439
k, kapusta! You got me ROTFL there!August 23, 2009 7:18 pm at 7:18 pm #1173440
lol, now just dont tell me that you were her and now you know who I am…August 23, 2009 7:21 pm at 7:21 pm #1173441
Course it was me 😉
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