A Humorous Item

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    Kapusta – that was really good!!


    BS”D (just in case mods would rather have it here than in the inspiring stories thread)

    The Admou’r meCreedmoor wanted very badly to obtain both use of and insurance for a certain lot of property on which a Mexican family was squatting.

    The Mexicans saw the grand Admou”r wearing his tin foil shtreimel and believed that he had to be a very holy man.

    So, the head of household asked the Admou”r for a brocho to get his green card. The Admou”r said: “If you want to get your green card, then on March 15, you must go to Houston, Texas, to the immigration office, and recite the segila “Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah al shem meshigoim vemetoirafim sheyeshnoi sham” to the immigration officer.

    On March 15, the Mexicans left for Houston, and the Admou”r arranged for a fire to destroy the family’s shacks. When the family returned they saw their dwelling in ruins. They did not get their green cards and in fact had a severe black mark placed on their records, but they truly believed that they were saved from a fire by the Admou”r’s brooche.

    So, they went back to the great tzaddik and asked him for a brocho for a new home. The Admou”r responded: “My friends, you are truly from the righteous of among the nations and America is not holy enough for you. I will arrange for you to be sent to a place of wealth and goodness and holiness!”

    With that, the family left and the Admou”r called the Immigration hotline. The family was taken to a detention center, and, cursing and screaming, they finally realized the true greatness of the Admou’r meCreedmoor.


    A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was

    taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not

    speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same

    spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought

    this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the

    area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with

    the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as

    he rolled past at a snail’s pace.

    Two week later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving

    without a seat belt.

    Men . .


    KiloBear- hilarious one there!


    In the News

    Kiddush Clubs Observe Siyum HaShots:

    On Saturday morning in synagogues around the world, kiddush club members celebrated the completion of a seven-and-a-half-month cycle of weekly drinking.

    The celebration, called Siyum HaShots, was marked by the downing of various whiskeys, bourbons, ryes, rums and brandies until every bottle was empty.

    “Shots in shul are a time-honored tradition,” said siyum organizer Ben Shikker. “We all know that wherever four Jews gather, there’s always a fifth.”

    The siyum (Hebrew for conclusion) is held every seven-and-a-half months because it takes that long for the average kiddush club to polish off all its liquors and begin new bottles.

    Shikker concedes that pressure is now being placed on synagogues to abolish their kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots.

    “It’s shameful,” said Shikker. “The OU is waging a whole campaign against us, called ‘Now You Siyum, Now You Don’t.’ But we won’t be intimidated.”

    Shikker asserts that being part of a kiddush club actually improves the fervency of one’s davening.

    “You can’t spell spiritu ali ty without spirits,” he noted.

    He added that men who partake in a private kiddush during the haftarah “shokkel more during Musaf.”

    Some rabbis see it differently, however.

    “They shokkel because they can’t stand straight after all that schnapps,” said Rabbi Nofun Ahloud. “Or even worse, they desperately need the bathroom.”

    Despite the current protests, Shikker vows that shul kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots will continue. Furthermore, he advocates bringing the tradition into one’s home.

    “When my wife asks me to buy her a dozen roses, I give her three bottles of Four Roses,” said Shikker. “I’m very proud of that.”


    2 friends who love to play baseball are curious if they play baseball in gan eden. they make up whichever friend passes away first he will come back in a dream and tell the other if they play baseball. so one day one of them passes away and comes to his friend in a dream that night and says there is good news and bad news the good news is they play baseball in gan eden the bad news is your pitching tonight.


    A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.


    ha ha, mominisrael!


    “Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front,” the preacher says.

    Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.”

    Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy.

    After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,”Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

    Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t ’til next Wednesday!”


    Most people who think of superheros imagine all their amazing powers. Me, I can only think of their constant struggle to maintain anonymity so they can walk among the common people. It must be so hard to be constantly ripping off civilian clothing and switching into Spandex, just to switch back again in a flash so as to finish chatting with the guy in the next booth before he notices anything.

    Life would have been so much easier if they’d just come around a few decades later, like during the internet age. In a blog, there would never be a problem. It would be so easy to keep up two identities – everyone does it! Plus, that awkward question, “How come you’re never around when Clark….,” would just never come up because both identities could be on at the same time! Superhero life could be bliss!

    Sometimes I wonder though, if the superheros would be tech savvy enough to not get busted. Like, suddenly everyone is friending Clark Kent and telling him to come save their house from burning, and he replies, “Why don’t you ask Superman when he logs on?” And they’re like, “Dude, you’ve got the same IP, c’mon you’re not fooling us.”

    Then the moderator comes on and says, “Pick one screen name – Superman or Clark Kent – or I’ll boot you forever.”

    Cest la vie

    Even superheroes bleed sometimes.


    squeak: great story…still laughing…


    Good point Frenchie, but that piece was really for the mods to get hana’ah.


    squeak, those get an A+.

    Cest la vie


    During the last holiday season, many members expressed concern

    over the seating arrangements. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

    1. I would prefer to sit in the… (Check one:)

    ___ Talking section

    ___ No talking section

    2. If talking, which category do you prefer?

    ___ Stock market

    ___ Sports

    ___ Medicine

    ___ General gossip

    ___ Specific gossip (choose:)

    ___ The rabbi

    ___ The cantor

    ___ The cantor’s voice

    ___ The cantor’s significant other

    ___ Real estate prices

    ___ Fashion news

    ___ What others are wearing

    ___ Why they look awful

    ___ Your neighbors

    ___ Your relatives

    ___ Your neighbors’ relatives

    ___ Shul politics

    ___ Who’s having marital issues

    3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?

    __ Doctor

    __ Dentist

    __ Nutritionist

    __ Psychiatrist

    __ Child psychiatrist

    __ Podiatrist

    __ Chiropractor

    __ Personal trainer

    __ Stockbroker

    __ Accountant

    __ Lawyer

    __ Criminal

    __ Civil

    __ Real estate agent

    __ Architect

    __ Plumber

    __ Buyer (Specify store:_______________________ )

    __ Golf pro [tentative; we’re still trying to find a Jewish One]

    4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)

    __ On the aisle

    __ Near the exit

    __ Near the window

    __ In Aruba

    __ Near the bathroom

    __ Near my in-laws

    __ As far away from my in-laws as possible

    __ As far away from my former in-laws as possible

    __ Near the pulpit

    __ Near the Kiddush table

    __ Near single men

    __ Near available women

    __ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services

    __ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services

    __ Where I can sleep during the rabbi’s sermon

    5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:

    __ I can see my spouse over the mechitza

    __ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza

    __ I can see my friend’s spouse over the mechitza

    __ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend’s spouse over the mechitza

    6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:

    (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)







    Your name:_________________________________

    Building fund pledge:


    Thank you and we will try to accommodate your request for a truly meaningful holiday experience.



    Just wanted to wish Eid Mubarak to our Muslim brethren, including J Street and the Ku Klutz Karta.


    A man goes to the Ruv in his town and askes the Ruv for help with his problem. He says he has a problem with guaiva (he is a baal guaiva). The Ruv says right now is the hour I answer the publics shailes as soon as I finish with the shailes I will help you. The Ruv sits the man next to him and calls in his first shaile the man goes into a complex shaile in kashrus. The Ruv turns to the baal guaiva and says to him “so how would you answer this shaile?” The baal guaiva turns to the Ruv and says I have no idea I don’t know how to learn. The Ruv turns to the man asking the shaile and answers him. The next man comes in and askes the Ruv a shaile in business how to invest some money. The Ruv turns to the baal guaiva and says to him “so how would you answer this shaile?” The baal guaiva turns to the Ruv and says I have no idea I don’t know much about business. The Ruv turns to the man asking the shaile and answers him. As soon as the room is empty the Ruv turns to the baal guaiva and yells at him you can’t learn and you don’t know any thing about business and you have the chutzpah to be a baal guaiva? What do you have that you are a baal guaive about?



    I dont get it…..


    nameless… probably because it’s not a joke.

    I read an amazing story not too long ago, which is probably where this was adapted from. It involved a couple from Tel Aviv who were arguing over whether or not to purchase an upscale, late model luxury car. The couple decided to bring their dispute to a Rav in Bnei Brak to settle the matter. (Was it R’ Chaim Kanievsky? Or was it his father, the Steipler? Or the Chazon Ish? I can’t remember which one, but it doesn’t matter). The Rav asked the couple what their argument was about. The husband said that he wanted to buy the car because they could afford it and it would make him and his wife happy to drive in a comfortable vehicle. The wife said she agreed but was afraid that having such a car would invite jealousy from their friends and neighbors, and she was afraid of the eyin harah.

    The Rav then asked the husband, “Can you tell me a vort on the sugya of gemara you are currently learning?” The man replied that he was had not learned Gemara anytime in recent history. “Can you tell me a vort on this week’s Sedra?” The man shook his head no. “Can you tell me what this week’s Sedra is?” Again, the man replied in the negative.

    The Rav then said to the couple, “He does not know any gemara, he cannot tell a vort on the current parsha, and he doesn’t even know what Sedra will be read this week. There is nothing for your friends and neighbors to be jealous of. You can certainly buy the car without worry.”





    Looking for a yeshiva in EY where your son will never goof around during sedra and where you never have to worry about him leaving?

    Try Yeshivas Beis Asirim, the division of Yeshivas Maasiyahu for bochurim from chu”l.

    Our easy admissions policy just requires your son to buy a bit of white powder or some esev hasodeh in Eretz Yisroel, and we’ll take him in for a full two year learning program.

    Our rabbonim and dorm counselors include luminaries of practical learning who will show your son how to make back the cost of his ticket, and that’s all you’ll pay because our program provides free room and the safest dormitory in all of Eretz Yisroel. Since our dorm is locked at all times, you never have to worry about where your son is, and for a few cigarettes or some homemade wine the counselors will always let him use their cellphones to call you.

    Present advisors to our program include HaRav Shlomo Benizri, and we proudly await the arrival of HaRav HaTzaddik Rav Elior Chen, an expert in discipline and remedial education.

    To find out more about Yeshivas Beit Asirim, call our Head Dorm Counselor, Moshiko “Big Bad Moish” Hakolbishvili during daylight hours only or when his Rav doesn’t notice he has a cellphone.


    not sure if I should laugh or cry…


    Morris Rabinowitz in 1936 fled his native Germany. He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, above the limit he could bring into the U.S.

    When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained:

    “Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”

    The customs official shook his head and said, “Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?”

    “Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so orthodox I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy food.”

    The customs official shook his head and said, “You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?”

    Morris looked around and spoke softly. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”


    A600- maybe you should post that on the Yeshiva Advice Forum! LOL


    Isnt this thread supposed to be humerous???


    nameless, we always go off topic anyways…



    LOL I posted it as a reply to the Yeshiva Advice but I put it here bc the one who started the thread is new and might not have appreciated the humor.


    A600 lol, I was wondering if you made a mistake or something!


    Mepal, if you want it posted, retype it without CAPS.


    oh never mind 😉



    The story about Rabinowitz reminds me of a true story from Hanoch Teller:

    A druggie went into the old 47th St Photo with a pair of stolen tefillin. The Chossid behind the counter recognized the name on them, so he acted fast and said that the seller was missing the one for the other arm and therefore all he could pay was five dollars.

    The druggie accepted the fiver and was duly reported (the story does not mention if he was arraigned – this was the 80’s when such offenses went unpunished) and the tefillin were returned to their rightful owner.

    Same happened to me, but the genius who stole mine tried to sell them in a local shul on Shabbos. As he was but a typical early 90’s emaciated crackhead, it did not take much for people, including an old friend of mine, to get my tefillin away from him. (Even without my name somewhere in the tefillin bag, they were clearly a double set of Chabad tefillin and would have made it back to the Beis Chabad where I davened anyway).

    I had already reported the loss to insurance and was misyaesh, and since these were the days of crummy cassette answering machines I barely understood my friend’s message.

    Finally he reached me and I got my tefillin back and canceled the claim. They had a problem from day one and had this not happened I would not have had them checked.

    Sadly, I sold these tefillin when I went OTD. They were not the best ones and I had always thought of replacing them and leaving them in shul, but I never got around to it and instead ended up selling them to the shul, whose (erev) rav had caused me the tzuris that made me go off.

    I now have a new double set.


    A Native American and a Jew

    A Native American comes back to the Reservation to visit with his

    parents after spending some time in New York City .

    He announces to his father that he’s fallen in love with a nice Jewish

    girl and they plan to wed.

    His father is mortified and says “You’re betraying your heritage and

    you’ll break your mother’s heart that you’re not marrying a nice

    Indian girl. ?You know how Jews are– they’ll feel the same way as we

    do and you’ll be ostracized in both camps.”

    The son reassures his father, “Don’t worry. ?They must have accepted

    the situation because they have already given their daughter a Native American


    “Really?” says the father. ?”What’s the name?”

    The son answers, “Sitting Shiva.”


    if a guy has money or brains he may have a reason to be a baal guaiva otherwise… stuff it


    Going back to mepal’s story, there’s a similar one from way back when….

    A man was going to Russia with his wife to bring religious articles (seforim, yarmulkas…) to the Russians there who wanted to learn more about Torah and Yiddishkeit. In his suitcase he had 4 pairs of tefillin. The Russians stopped him and questioned him about the tefillin – asking about their uses. So he said “well, one is for me for the week, and one is a special one for Shabbos.” So they asked, “and what about the other two?” So he replied, “my wife also needs, no?”



    Leroy Washington was a rather intelligent black gentleman, all the more so because he worked for a Jewish store in South Carolina before civil rights. Leroy even managed to pick up a bit of Yiddish while working for his employers.

    Somehow, when election day came around back in the 1950’s, he managed to get all of the infamous polling questions right, even the ones as absurd as “how many bubbles in a cake of soap?”.

    Then, the examiner, a typical cracker who did not know Yiddish from Chinese, pulled out a copy of the Yiddish newspaper. Asked to translate the headlines, Leroy said: “That headline says the Jim Crow laws are unconstitutional, you dumb shaygetz!”

    The flabbergasted examiner allowed Leroy to vote, and even asked him if he wanted to vote a few times more.



    A Chassidishe traveling salesman was purposely rear-ended by an anti-Semite while driving down South. Of course, the shygetz immediately claimed the Chossid stopped short, which was patently absurd.

    The Chossid then responded: “Listen, for what are we fighting. Let’s to make peace and let the cops to sort dis out. Here, I give you the best stuff I buy every time I am coming here to bring back to Vilyemsburg far kiddush, Reb Yankev Donieelz, and we make a lechaim, you know what is dat?” He then opened his door and pulled a liter of Jack Daniels from his overnight bag.

    The cracker, not understanding what the Chossid meant until he saw the familiar square bottle, greedily took the bottle from the Chossid’s hand and drank the whole thing.

    The Chossid flagged down a police car, and the cracker was immediately arrested for DWI.



    A dank tzi G-tt far Federal Koilel!

    I once went to visit the masmidim in Federal Koilel over in Otisville, and after I spoke to just two of them, all I have to say is a dank tzi G-tt far Federal Koilel.

    The first one, he tells me his name is Reb Gimpel. I ask him, who sent you here to learn, and what do you do? He tells me, I’ll be learning here for five years because ich bin geven a fire end insurance adjuster.

    I tell him, but wait, that is an honorable and respectable way to make a good parnosso.

    He tells me, you don’t understand, I adjusted all of the fires in my buildings so insurance would pay me good. Then I worked a while as an insurance adjuster, you know, I tried to adjust the insurance so I’d get as much as I could.

    But you want to meet the real roish koilel? Here he is, Benzene Vass…

    So I look at Reb Benzene, a little schlump of a guy with a beat up old hat and a ratty old reckel mit such a schmeck, and I ask him, first of all, what kind of a name is Benzene?

    He tells me, listen, myne nomen iz Bentzioin Veisselbich but I’m not a tzioini so I don’t want that anyone should call me nothing with Tzioin in it.

    I said, yes, but Benzene, Benny? Stinky, oily chozzerey that causes yenne machle besides, eppes you can be called Benny?

    And he says, here, I tell you why dey all call me Benzene…

    I goes before the judge and he tries to say myne name, and he can’t. So I says, you ken call me Benzene Vass, because I varf der vasser benzene on the floor from the buildink and set a match and that’s the end from the buildink.

    And he roll his eyes and den asks me “So how do you plead”. And I says: “Not guilty, Your Honor!”

    He look at me and he say: “You just tell me you throw white benzene on the floor of your building and set it ablaze and then you plead not guilty? I hereby sentence you to six months in detention based on your diminished intellectual capacity!”

    In oder words, he say I’m too shtupit to sit more from six months! He’s too shtupit to be a judge!

    I say to him, Reb Benzene, next time you should get a smarter judge!

    He says: “You know, my wife, she says the same tink!”

    —A denk tzi G-tt far Federal Koilel



    Two butchers on 13th Ave were complaining about business during the recession, when they saw a third competitor, Shmerel Ganvetman, drive by in a huge new Rolls Royce.

    One of them asked him: “Ganvetman, you chutzpanyak, how do you manage to charge less than our prices all the time and still drive around in that car?”

    Ganvetman answered: “Listen, I do just azoy vi President Obama mach mit de statistics to make us tink de recession is over. You know, I lower de stenderds the way dey did when Obama went to collich and law skool mit Affirmative Ektion! I make myne prices azoy vi dey were three years ago, but I am making a pound iz nine ounces instead from sixteen! So, it’s all git. Myne customerz is not like yours, they isn’t payink prices like you charge, and dey lose weight too because I sell dem less but it’s still a toller ninety nine a fint fin chicken not like by you!”

    The other butcher exclaimed: “That’s gezel, you gonif! I’m gonna haul you into beis din and they’ll put you in cherem!”

    Ganvetman said: “If you do that, I’ll take you to the Supreme Court! If they let Obama change the rules they’ll let Shmerel Ganvetman do that too!”

    One of them replied: “You try that, Ganvetman. When the government runs a Ponzi scheme, it’s called Social Security. When Madoff did it he got a hundred and fifty years!”

    Ganvetman replied: “So what? The way Obama plays mit de numbers, a year is just a couple of days anyway. He says is goink to end the recession in a couple of days, right? So they send me away for ten years on fraud, it means like I vill sit far eppes a month and de butcherei iz in myne mother’s name anyway!”

    Out of nowhere came Rivi the Repo Mensch, sent by Lybish’s Leasing, who said: “Ganvetman, you have been paying only 20 dollars a month for your lease on the 2500 dollar a month Rolls Royce. So I’m gonna do also like Obama but backward, and exchange your Rolls far a 1992 Honda! Clunkers far Clunks!”

    Moral: Don’t try to compete with the government when it comes to gezel vemirma.


    New White House Staff. So far we have:

    Rahm Emanuel – Chief of Staff – Jewish

    David Axelrod – Senior Advisor to the President – Jewish

    Ronald Klain – Chief of Staff to the Vice President of the United States – Jewish

    Larry Summers – Economic Advisor to the President – Jewish

    Paul Volcker – Economic Advisor to the President, Former Head of Fed Reserve – Jewish

    Tim Geithner – Treasury Secetary – Jewish

    Peter Orszag – Head of Budget – Jewish

    Am I the only one noticing that Obama and Biden are not so much assembling staff, as gathering a minyan?


    We are in trouble….

    The population of this country is 300 million.

    160 million are retired.

    That leaves 140 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school.

    Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

    Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.


    15 million to do the work.

    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama


    Which leaves 12..2 million to do the work.

    Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city

    Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

    Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and me.

    And there you are,

    Sitting on your chair,

    At your computer, reading jokes.

    Nice. Real nice…..


    KiloBear you wrote that so well I was able to read and chapp 🙂



    blonde joke

    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

    Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

    In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

    Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’

    The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

    The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

    After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.

    I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’

    The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’

    The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word


    The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big.

    She’ll read it very slowly…. ‘com-for-da-bul.’


    Hi! I love this thread! Keep it going strong.

    A few months after my grandfather was nifter, my little cousin pointed to a picture of him and asked her mother,

    “Here Zeidy was nifter already?”


    omg, rochelimeinu! Its so freaky how little kids react to these things.


    I dont know if this joke was already said here, but I’ll say it and sorry if it was. There was a jewish actor named moish looking for a job. He finally found a job at the zoo. There was a monkey that knew how to do excellent tricks and died. No other monkey in the world knew how to do those tricks, so the zoo got lots of money from the monkey., SO when Mr. monkey died, they were too scared of their business to announce its death, so they hired this jewish actor to dress up in a monkey suit. The jew dressed up and was an excellent attraction at the zoo.

    ONe day, as MOish was swinging really hard on the monkey bars, he accidentally flew off into the lions cage. Moish’s heart started beating, a huge sharp toothed lion was just awaken from its sleep. As the lion approached him, he managed to yell out, “SHema yisroel HashemELokainu HAshem Echad” The lion responded “”Boruch shem kvod malhhuso lolam voed” Moish freked out and said, “SHimon is that you!” “Moish is that you” responded the lion. “How long have you been working here.” All of a sudden the zebra from the next cage said, “Rabboisai, if you don’t want us a;ll to lose our jobs, keep it down.” 🙂


    PY613 I’ve heard that told over many times in many versions and I love it every time!


    I dont know if u hear dthis one… A sultan called over a rov and a karaite to find out who has the true version of yiddishkeit. They both took off their shoes upon entering, and the rov took his shoes with him subconciously b/c he was so worried how was he gonna shlugg up the karaite. The karaite looked smug. The karaite told the sultan – look how chutzpadik this rov is! Taking his shoes withim. “Whatcha gottasay?” asked sultan tzi der ruv. in der ruv hot gezugt, “Well last time in history a yid took off his shoes, it was moishe rabbeinu by the sneh. And well, his shoes were stolen by a karaite! So I took mine with me!” The karaite yelled, “SHeker v’chozov! There were no karaites back then!” “And you claim to ber real!”



    Welcome to the Repentance Hot Line. Your call is very important to us and is fully confidential. If calling in the Ten Days of Repentance, when G-d is closer than ever, this is a local call, instead of the usual long distance. Press #10 now.

    “During this time, you will hear one long note, three short beeps, nine shorter beeps, and a long note. This series will repeat several times, followed by an extra-long final note at the end.

    “Repentance calls for patience and persistence. If you do not get through the first time, try again. If you still do not get through, try again. At any time: Do not hang up!

    “If you feel that you have reached us in error, this is the right place, for ‘to err is human, to forgive is Divine.’

    “This call is being monitored audio-visually by, ‘The Eye that sees, the Ear that hears, and All your deeds are inscribed.’ At any time during your call, you may hear moving renditions of Avinu Malkenu, Kol Nidrei and other High Holiday melodies.

    “For Ashkenazic pronunciation, bevakosho (please) press A. For Sephardic, bevakashah press S. Use any language, as long as it comes from the heart. Lip service is unacceptable. If you are not serious, please hang up, try pressing ‘return’ and call back again.

    “To review your annual balance, here are some helpful numbers:

    “For Mitzvot in general, press #613. For a positive commandment, press #248. For a negative commandment, press #365. Regarding rabbinic laws use extension 7.

    “For Teshuvah, press 1, for Prayer press 2, and for Charity 3… to remove the bad decree. You may Press 1 for Echad, M to ask for Moshiach. Press transgressions. Are you sure you want to delete your transgressions at this time?

    “If you sinned against another party, contact them first, and call back after they forgive.

    “If you sincerely regret past transgressions, but don’t know where to begin, consult the Yom Kippur prayer book’s alphabetical Al Chet directory. Use right hand to press pound at each listing. Thanks to our special Teshuvah advantage program, all your debits have been turned into credits.

    “All transfers to charity are credited to your account. Enter pledge now. Press #18 to contribute multiples of Chai.

    “May you be inscribed for a good New Year. Thank you, and please call again


    Excellent, BY2! Welcome back to the humor thread!


    thanx mepal!

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