December 19, 2011 12:23 am at 12:23 am #601182
our family minhag is to have the girls light menorah. my sister is almost 5 and is starting this year. this year as chanukah came near, i had/have a funny feeling. i don’t feel like i want to physically light the menorah. i don’t know why or where this came from but my heart is not feeling the urge to light like it has in other years.
do i light because it is our minhag or can i say to my father, you know i think i am going to forgo lighting licht this year.
opinions, ideas, thoughts?December 19, 2011 12:42 am at 12:42 am #911587
The Mitzvah is equally as incumbent upon women as on men.December 19, 2011 12:49 am at 12:49 am #911588
The Mishna Brura says that a woman is yotzai with the man of the house,but if she is by herself then she is mechuyav to light.He also says that if she wants to light then it is like any other mitzvas aseh sh’zman grama.See it here seif katan 9(http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=14166&st=&pgnum=290&hilite=)December 19, 2011 12:50 am at 12:50 am #911589
Sam: Women are generally motzei with their husband/father.December 19, 2011 1:12 am at 1:12 am #911590
Passfan: A married couple are counted as one person for being yotzei Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin by lighting Channukah candles. That is strange enough in its own right. There is no reason whatsoever why a daughter who is a Bas Chiyuv should not light for herself. None. She has her own Mitzvah and if the family wants to actually do Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin then she has to light her own (or her father lights a whole extra Chanukiyah for her if you want to use the way some Rishonim bring down the Minhag).December 19, 2011 1:13 am at 1:13 am #911591
You seem to be misreading it. He does not say it is actually like a mitzvas asei shehazman grama, because in truth a woman has a real chiyuv. He is just making a conceptual comparison to allow her to make a bracha even when she is in fact being yotzei with her father/husband.December 19, 2011 1:30 am at 1:30 am #911592
Yitay:I am sorry for not being clear, that’s what I meant when I said if she is by herself she is mechuyav and with her father or husband like a zman grama.December 19, 2011 2:34 am at 2:34 am #911593
I hear. Got it.December 19, 2011 12:50 pm at 12:50 pm #911594
Sam2: it may seem strange to you, but it the accepted Halacha in Shulchan Aruch. Additionally, there is a clear Minhag for hundreds of years that single girls do not light. The Chasam Sofer addresses one possible reason.December 19, 2011 2:04 pm at 2:04 pm #911595
It might be a “clear minhag” in some places that girls don’t light. In my family the girls do light, my wife does because she grew up doing it too.December 19, 2011 3:33 pm at 3:33 pm #911596
“do i light because it is our minhag”
To be safe, give a coin to your father so that you share in the mitzva.December 19, 2011 3:35 pm at 3:35 pm #911597
Hello: I’m not saying that it isn’t okay (there are plenty of strange things we do well within the framework of the Shulchan Aruch, the way we make Eruvim being a big one), I’m just saying that since it’s against the Gemara with no real hint in the Gemara, it’s enough that we stick just with Ishto K’gufo and not somehow apply that to daughters as well. And the only ones I know of who don’t have girls light is Chabad. Who else doesn’t?December 19, 2011 3:52 pm at 3:52 pm #911598
I use to light until i felt like i shouldnt anymore and was yotzei with my father. Now, I am yotzei with my husband and my kdis are starting to light on their own! Its so exciting and bring backs such wonderful memories…December 19, 2011 4:44 pm at 4:44 pm #911599
My daughters have always lit their own.December 19, 2011 5:02 pm at 5:02 pm #911600
Girls do not have to light.
Boys do not have to light.
The mitzva is ONE candle.
The house (husband OR wife) should light, and is Yotze the other via Ishto K’Gufo (for example, the wife should light if the husband will be home late). If a high school girl will be the only one home at the Z’man, she should really be the one who lights, and is Yotze everyone else who lives in the house, including her parents.
Mehadrin Min HaMihadrin is that (Al Pi the Rema) each member of the home lights (including girls). There is a valid minhag that all women of the home do not light (including girls over Bas Mitzva), but that is not like the Rema or the Mishna Berura (C”V that I am saying it is an issue, just the facts).
Furthermore, (from what I understand, but ask your LOR) one should have in mind NOT to be Yotze with the head of the household if they will light at a later time, so that they will have not already been yotze & be making a brocha Livatala.
Ask your LOR, & YMMV.
P.S. There is (IMHO) absolutly no reason for a Ben (or Bas) Bayis to be Mistatef B’Priti (give a coin).
PPS: Sam2, I believe it is a minhag Chassidus.December 19, 2011 5:28 pm at 5:28 pm #911601
A Heimishe MomParticipant
yenting: the best answer, is ask your father! maybe the minhag came about simply because you enjoyed doing it and isn’t really a mesorah at all!
For all practical purposes, women/girls are generally yotzei with their father/husband. I think I remember lighting once – in Pre1A when we made a menorah in school. My daughters light their arts & craft ones. Once they stop those (1st grade I think) they stop lighting. My boys light.
As to the lighting at the z’man, even below bar mitzvah boys should light then even if the baal habayis is not home yet (yes, we asked our LOR).December 19, 2011 6:06 pm at 6:06 pm #911602
GAW: Being Yotzei Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin could very well have the status of a Neder for most of K’lal Yisrael and you may need to be Mattir Neder if you want to be Yotzei just the basic Mitzvah.December 19, 2011 6:20 pm at 6:20 pm #911603
GAW: Being Yotzei Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin could very well have the status of a Neder for most of K’lal Yisrael and you may need to be Mattir Neder if you want to be Yotzei just the basic Mitzvah.
Really! Source?December 19, 2011 6:24 pm at 6:24 pm #911604
As to the lighting at the z’man, even below bar mitzvah boys should light then even if the baal habayis is not home yet (yes, we asked our LOR).
I hear. However, no one else is Yotze by that lighting, so that wasn’t my point. It is a good point none the less.December 19, 2011 6:43 pm at 6:43 pm #911605
GAW: I don’t have one but it’s very Mistaber. It’s no less than a Minhag Tovah that you’ve done 3 times in a row or Devarim Hamutarim Sheacheirim Nahagu Bahem Issur.December 19, 2011 7:02 pm at 7:02 pm #911606
GAW: I don’t have one but it’s very Mistaber. It’s no less than a Minhag Tovah that you’ve done 3 times in a row or Devarim Hamutarim Sheacheirim Nahagu Bahem Issur.
OK. When you find a source, get back to me. Meantime, SA & MB say you are Yotze (not that it is “Mehadrin min HaMihadrin” or anything 🙂December 19, 2011 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm #911607
Some posters here (including the OP) have cited “something not feeling right” as their reason for not wanting to light chanukah licht. I’m kinda curious (and confused) – why exactly did you feel that way? I mean, I’m a girl who lights, and I can only imagine feeling weird NOT lighting (since my whole family does).December 19, 2011 9:51 pm at 9:51 pm #911608
If their mesorah is that girls don’t light, it is very understandable that a girl will feel something wrong by them lighting (and thus going against the mesorah).December 19, 2011 9:55 pm at 9:55 pm #911609
oooookkkkk thanx e/o for the halacha class. not really what i had in mind…..
oneofmany, i can’t really explain it. i kinda always had a part of me that didnt want to light cuz i was minority of minority in my class that lit. this year, i don’t know. i feel like i would appreciate it more if i didn’t light. (side point, my younger siblings make it a contest who can sing better so it got trivialized in my house)
i told my father i didn’t want to light this year and he was fine w/ it.December 19, 2011 10:29 pm at 10:29 pm #911610
passfan: I’m talking about someone whose mesorah is that they DO light.
yentingyenta: Still don’t get it, but you’re entitled to your feelings. 🙂December 19, 2011 10:50 pm at 10:50 pm #911611
Regarding a lack of Mehadrin; the Meiri, Shiltei Giborim and Magen Avraham all write that it is only necessary for adult children to light and not minors. There is no need to indicate the total number of people in the house to fulfill Mehadrin, only those obligated. The Mikraei Kodesh quoted above suggests that the same exemption should apply to girls and women.December 19, 2011 10:51 pm at 10:51 pm #911612
sam2: I have to object to calling Halachos in the Gemara and Shulchan Aruch “strange”!!!December 19, 2011 10:55 pm at 10:55 pm #911613
hello99: Do you use the bar illan cd to find sources, go by your own phenomimal memory, or have some other method of finding all the relevant sources? ThanksDecember 19, 2011 11:44 pm at 11:44 pm #911614
Hello: By “strange” I meant Halachos in the Shulchan Aruch and later Poskim that are accepted yet don’t quite seem to follow from the Gemara and/or Rishonim. I didn’t mean strange is in illogical. And the Gemara says “Af Hein Hayu Be’oso Hanes”. What better source do you need for women to light?December 20, 2011 12:13 am at 12:13 am #911615
oneofmany, it would help if i myself understood my own feelings!December 20, 2011 12:37 am at 12:37 am #911616
sam: I understand, but still feel it is disrespectfulDecember 20, 2011 12:38 am at 12:38 am #911617
passfan: I don’t have Bar IlanDecember 20, 2011 12:57 am at 12:57 am #911618
Hello: That’s okay. I’ve been told I speak disrespectfully in learning my whole life. I think I’ve only actually crossed a proper line of respect once.December 20, 2011 1:20 am at 1:20 am #911619
I’m confused. Shouldn’t the most important factor be whether or not her father is makpid? She did say the minhag of the family is to light. If her father is makpid it is a d’oyrassa of kibbud av.December 20, 2011 1:24 am at 1:24 am #911620
when in my house my daughter always lit her own but after she was married her husband said his minhag is that the husband lights and it includes her so she should not light.December 20, 2011 2:12 am at 2:12 am #911621
Yenta why do u think its this particular mitzvah that is giving you trouble? do u have a bad memory associated with chanukah?
If its just this mitzvah there must be a reason why and if its not just this mitzvah then maybe there is a deeper issue.December 20, 2011 2:36 am at 2:36 am #911622
goq, that’s the problem! i don’t know why i feel this way but i only feel like this towards this one mitzvah. B”H i have only happy memories of chanuka. i don’t know why i’m having such ambivalent feelings about lighting this year. when i went to sem and was boarding, i don’t think i lit bit when i went to my cousins in chicago for shabbos chanukah… oh great now i don’t remember if i lit there or not. but i remember in sem like it wasnt chanuka cuz i didn’t light. uuurrrrr now i feel like i’m going to start crying cuz i’m so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!December 20, 2011 3:17 am at 3:17 am #911623
GAW: I had someone ask Rav Schachter for me today. He said it’s not a Neder because that’s how the Mitzvah D’rabannan was framed. So I guess I’m outgunned on this.December 20, 2011 3:25 am at 3:25 am #911624
I say light on the first night if that doesnt put you in proper mood let your father do it the rest of the nights. I hope you can rekindle your appreciation of this mitzvah.December 20, 2011 3:30 am at 3:30 am #911625
hello99: How do you find all the sources for an issue?December 20, 2011 4:41 am at 4:41 am #911626
im pretty sure that my rav paskened women are halachikly unable of holding anything related at all to a mitzvah. its a genetic thingDecember 20, 2011 4:52 am at 4:52 am #911627
i’m not sure who your rav is, but he is wrong. are you conservative?December 20, 2011 8:11 am at 8:11 am #911629
well. my family also had this minhag, and my 18 yr old sis would put up a fit, how it doesn’t make sense and she’s os embaressed about it… till my dear grandpa spoke to her and explained to her the shitah we hold and why this is what we do, and after she gets married iy”h she will not havta light cuz “ishto kegufo”
from that day on…. all was quietDecember 20, 2011 1:32 pm at 1:32 pm #911631
hello99: Doesn’t change the Shulchan Aruch that says that girls should light for Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin (Minors would be Chinuch only, not a cheleck of the mitzva of the home). I’m not saying there is not a valid minhag for girls not to light, but “new custom”? Do you consider the SA “new”?
BTW, have you ever seen that Chasam Sofer inside? Interesting S’vara, no?
Sam2: Thanks for asking.
OneOfMany: I would think that we are talking about older (dating) girls, who feel bad that they are not part of “Ishto K’Gufo”. That would certainly trump any reason to light.December 20, 2011 2:25 pm at 2:25 pm #911632
☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
BTW, have you ever seen that Chasam Sofer inside? Interesting S’vara, no?
I have seen it inside (not recently, though). IIRC, it wasn’t a sevara, rather, a historical basis for the minhag.December 20, 2011 4:09 pm at 4:09 pm #911633
I have seen it inside (not recently, though). IIRC, it wasn’t a sevara, rather, a historical basis for the minhag.
Or post-facto justification. It wouldn’t be the first time that an Achron justified a questionable minhag.December 20, 2011 4:43 pm at 4:43 pm #911634
gavra: your lack of understanding a long established minhag in klal yisroel, doesn’t make it a questionable minhag.December 20, 2011 4:52 pm at 4:52 pm #911635
passfan: Of course not. None the less, it still has to be justified in Halacha. The Chasam Sofer sees the need to justify it, not me.
Perhaps it was a bad choice of words. Replace “questionable” with “incomprehensible, at first glance”. Questionable infers that the Minhag is not valid, vs. not having any reasoning behind it.December 20, 2011 4:58 pm at 4:58 pm #911636
The Chasam Sofer was probably providing a teshuva to a shaila presented to him asking if females should light on Chanuka. That isn’t him “seeing a need to justify” the minhag, but rather him simply answering a shaila and explaining the teshuva.December 20, 2011 5:27 pm at 5:27 pm #911637
The Chasam Sofer was probably providing a teshuva to a shaila presented to him asking if females should light on Chanuka.
Someone didn’t read the Chasam Sofer. Read it and get back to me.
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