Jokes

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  • #1201418
    cb1
    Member

    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be

    upset. It won’t be long now.”

    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began. The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

    #1201419
    d a
    Member

    To make sure Bill Clinton’s heart doesn’t stop, doctors put in a special pacemaker made by Toyota.

    #1201420
    cb1
    Member

    A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

    The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?”

    “Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

    “Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.

    The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch *all* the fish?”

    #1201421
    cb1
    Member

    A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

    He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

    Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

    The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “…and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass.”

    #1201422
    cb1
    Member

    The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

    “Hello?”

    “Hello, is this KGB?”

    “Yes. What do you want?”

    “I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State.

    He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”

    “This will be noted.”

    Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

    The phone rings at Rabinovitz’s house. “Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?”

    “Yes.”

    “Did they chop your firewood?”

    “Yes, they did.”

    “Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”

    #1201423
    cb1
    Member

    A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was

    called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department

    could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.

    Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance,

    the call was made.

    The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight

    towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped!

    The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in

    all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the

    blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

    Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s

    work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the

    spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter

    asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

    “That ought to be obvious, ” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”

    #1201424
    cb1
    Member

    ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS MADE BY IN-FLIGHT ATTENDANTS….

    BEFORE TAKE OFF:

    “To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. Actually, it works just like every other seat belt on the planet. If you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

    and:

    “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, or someone who is acting like a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two such persons, decide now which one you love more.”

    SHORTLY BEFORE ARRIVAL:

    “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken clouds; but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money, more than this airline.”

    ON THE GROUND, AFTER AN EXCEEDINGLY BUMPY LANDING:

    “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash’ and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

    ON ARRIVAL:

    “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at this airline.”

    #1201425
    d a
    Member

    cb1, you got some good ones there!!!

    By the way, the Toyota jokes are dedicated to my dear Uncle CR, who loves his car!

    #1201426
    Poster
    Member

    Copy of a leaked memo from El Al to JetBlue employees

    >

    > Subject: Unique aspects of a flight to Israel

    >

    > Dear JetBlue employees:

    >

    > Welcome to the El Al family – or as we say in Hebrew, Bruchim haba’im!

    >

    > We’re so excited about our new partnership. We here at Israel’s

    > national air carrier are eager to make this transition as smooth as

    > possible and thought it would be helpful to sensitize you to some of

    > the cultural differences you may encounter with your new customer

    > base.

    >

    > Security lines: Passengers are instructed to arrive at the airport

    > six hours before a flight. This may seem excessive, but Israel’s

    > crack security service demands it on the theory that no terrorist

    > would be dedicated enough to spend six hours in a crowd of Jews.

    > Kidding! The six-hour time period allows our security team to ask

    > essential questions of our passengers, including “Do you have family

    > in Israel? Where do they live? What is the purpose of your visit?” It

    > also allows time for the person behind you in line to ask the very

    > same questions, in even greater detail. What you might call

    > “intrusive rudeness” is merely what our people call “Jewish

    > geography.”

    >

    >

    > Luggage: We allow each passenger to stow luggage weighing up to 6,000

    > pounds. Again, this may seem generous by American standards, but it

    > is in response to our passengers’ need to bring books for their

    > cousins in B’nei Brak, appliances for their neighbors’ in-laws in

    > French Hill, and industrial-size boxes of M & M’s for Israeli

    > soldiers.

    >

    > Boarding: We board our flights for maximum efficiency, in the

    > following order: Families with young children, families with six or

    > more young children, families with eight or more young children,

    > individuals with physical limitations, individuals with aches and

    > pains that may be something but they won’t know until they see a

    > specialist, individuals who cut in line.

    >

    > Carry-on luggage: You may not think a double stroller, six Borsalino

    > hat boxes, and a Samsung flat-screen television are unable to fit in an

    > overhead bin, but please don’t underestimate our passengers. During

    > this portion of the flight it might be a good idea for flight

    > attendants to retreat to the galley and have a beer. Or two.

    >

    > Safety instructions: Hebrew is written from right to left. Similarly,

    > in order to accommodate our passengers’ unique sensibility, our

    > instructions are delivered backward. When we say, “Please do NOT stow

    > items under the seat in front of you,” our passengers think, “I’ll

    > damn well stow my items anywhere I want to,” before stowing them

    > under the seat. When we say, “Please move freely about the cabin,”

    > our passengers respond, “If they think I am budging from this seat,

    > they have another think coming.” It works like a charm.

    >

    > In-flight behavior: At some point during the lengthy overseas flight,

    > bearded men will crowd the aisle, wrapped in leather straps and white

    > shawls. Do not be alarmed! They will not ask you to join them!

    >

    > Food service: As a Jewish airline, we serve clientele with unique

    > dietary needs. Our choices include kosher, glatt kosher, kosher

    > dairy, kosher meat, kosher pareve, glatt kosher dairy, gluten-free

    > kosher meat, lactose-free kosher with nuts, lactose-free kosher

    > without nuts, low-salt kosher pareve, high-salt gluten-free kosher

    > meat, and “just bring me a box of cereal and some milk.” Remain calm

    > and do not reach for the emergency chute.

    >

    > Landing: Passengers will often burst into applause when the plane

    > touches down in Israel. This is because a) they are deeply moved by

    > the thought of arriving in the Land of their Ancestors; b) they are

    > still surprised, even after 60 years, that a Jew can safely pilot an

    > airplane;

    > We hope you find these tips useful as you welcome El Al passengers

    > aboard JetBlue.

    #1201428
    blinky
    Participant

    Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son.

    It’s time to go to school!”

    “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”

    “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”

    “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”

    “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”

    “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”

    “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the

    Principal!”

    #1201429
    blinky
    Participant

    Eleven people were hanging on a rope

    > Under a helicopter.

    >

    > 10 men and 1 woman.

    > The rope was not strong enough to carry them all

    > So they decided that one had to leave,

    > Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

    > They weren’t able to choose that person,

    > Until the woman gave a very touching speech.

    >

    > She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,

    > Because, as a woman,

    > She was used to giving up everything

    > For her husband and kids or for men in general,

    > And was used to always making sacrifices

    > With little in return.

    >

    > As soon as she finished her speech,

    > All the men started clapping ..

    #1201430
    blinky
    Participant

    While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Chaim and his wife Shira listened to the instructor declare, “It’s essential that husbands and wives are aware of the things that are important to each other.”

    He addressed the men, “Can you describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

    Chaim leaned over to his wife and asked in a whisper, “Kemach All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

    #1201432
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Conclusion : no exercise, no diet!

    #1201433
    chunker
    Member

    a man walks in to a bar, what does he say?

    ^

    ^

    ^

    ouch!

    #1201434

    Flying on Obama’s private plane, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said,

    ‘You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make

    somebody very happy.

    Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, ‘I could throw ten $100 bills out

    of the window and make ten people very happy.

    Michelle added, ‘That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills

    out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..

    Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,

    ‘Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window

    and make 56 million people very happy.’

    #1201436
    HaQer
    Member

    Onkeles in parshas vayishlach translates “aluf” as “rabba”. It seems that all of Eisav’s wives were Rabbas! Did they get smicha from YCT?

    #1201437
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    keep em coming – rebmendle!!

    #1201439
    hudi
    Participant

    I heard this joke from a shiur by Rabbi Tatz that I downloaded. It’s possible you’ve heard it, but here goes.

    There were 2 women living in a shtetel who each had a daughter in shidduchim. There were no bochrim in town, so what did they do? They imported 2 bochrim from a yeshiva. The day came for the bochrim to arrive. They both went to the train station, and there’s only one bochur standing on the tarmac. So of course, they each want the bachur for their own daughter. They argued back and forth. Finally, they decided to go to the town rav. They brought the bochur in and explained the story. The rav said: I have a great idea. We’ll cut the bochur in half, so both daughters can get married. One woman protested: no we cant cut him in half. The other exclaimed: yeah, cut him in half, that’s only fair.The Rav said:we have found the mother-in-law !!!!

    #1201440
    Aishes Chayil
    Participant

    Jewish telegram:

    ” Start worrying immediately…details later”

    #1201441

    hudi,

    that reminds me of another spoof of a torah story: There is a story (which I think is from Chazal if I’m not mistaken, please someone correct me if I’m wrong) that there were 2 brothers who owned adjacent fields. One was poor and had a large family, the other was rich and had no family.

    One day the rich brother decided that being that his brother has more mouths to feed he needs more. So at harvest time he went in the middle of the night (so as not to embarras his poor brother) and took some of his own produce and brought it to his brothers field. The poor brother had similar feelings. He said I have been benched with a large family but my brother has not been. Let him at least have some extra produce to somewhat make up for what he’s lacking. In the middle of the night he went and brought some of his own produce to his brother’s field.

    This went on for years until one time they met each other while carrying the goods. They each realized what the other had been doing and embraced each other with immense joy and love. On that spot where they embraced, the Bais HaMikdosh would later be built.

    The spoof:

    Same 2 brothers one rich with no family, one poor with large family. Only in this story the poor one decided that since he has so many mouths to feed he deserves more than his brother, so he went nightly to his brother’s field and stole some produce. The rich brother similarly said – my brother doesn’t deserve a large family AND lots of produce; if I don’t have a family at least let me get some extra produce to make up for it. He too went nightly to steal some produce from his brother.

    This went on for years until one time they met each other while carrying the goods. They each realized what the other had been doing and they attacked and killed each other. On that very spot, the Israeli Knesset would later be built.

    #1201442
    blinky
    Participant

    An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came

    to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote,

    “No.”

    The next question, intended for people who had answered in

    the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”

    The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

    #1201443
    Aishes Chayil
    Participant

    I think Hudi’s joke was more a spoof on that story with Shloime Hamelech and the babies…. the real mother begged for the child not to be cut in halfn but rather given to the other woman.

    Thats when S’H knew she was the real mother….

    #1201444
    bpt
    Participant

    Now that’s funny, Blinky. Be sure to tell that one on your next date. Keep the applause one for after shevah brachos..way after sheva brachos.

    On 2nd thought, keep that one for when you go out with your other sis-in-laws. They’ll love it!

    #1201445
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    They each realized what the other had been doing and they attacked and killed each other.

    Now, how did they manage to do that?!

    #1201446

    blueberry,

    I have a better question – how does anyone know the story if both ended up being dead?

    #1201447

    excellent forensic work

    #1201448
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    charlie – Mr.Brown was hiding in the bushes as the story unfolded and recounted the tale to his children. He called it “The Mystery Story” and always ended with, “How does anyone know the story if both were killed…?”

    His children passed it on to their children, their children to their children…..until grandchild Charlie Brown posted the story on YW and Blueberrymuffin solved the mystery!

    THE END

    How does blueberrymuffin know this?

    Now, that’s the mystery!

    #1201449
    crfan
    Member

    Does anyone know the original source of the story that charlie brown posted? (the first one. Not the seconed 🙂 )

    #1201450
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Elementary my dear blueberrymuffin,

    you are distantly related to charlie brown

    #1201451
    squeak
    Participant

    Of course not. One of the brothers was sent back to this world as a dybbuk to atone for his heinous sin. He told it to Rav CENSORED

    #1201452

    hey long lost cousin blueberry! there will be a family chanuka party for all descendants of the original Mr. Brown tomorrow night. Please come and bring lots of baked – errr fried – donuts.

    squeak,

    and now the mystery is how you know what the dybbuk told Rav Censored. hmm, could you be he?

    #1201453
    frim
    Member

    if your sitting on a plane and the guy sitting next to you’s name is mohamed abu jali, GET OFF!!!

    #1201454
    squeak
    Participant

    hey long lost cousin blueberry! there will be a family chanuka party for all descendants of the original Mr. Brown tomorrow night.

    Personally, I wasn’t aware that this poster was part of our family. But then, you weren’t aware of some of my family members either. LINK What kind of brothers are we if we don’t even know the same relatives? And how comoe I wasn’t invited to the party? I assume it’s tonight- I’ll be there.

    squeak,

    and now the mystery is how you know what the dybbuk told Rav Censored. hmm, could you be he?

    No mystery there. It was all on Youtube.

    #1201455
    blinky
    Participant

    frim- thats before or after takeoff:)

    #1201456
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    Charlie – aw shuks! I think I missed the party!But did you at least discover any more long-lost Brown relatives?

    #1201457

    squeak,

    I assumed Chevy had told you about the party so I didn’t think of inviting you, sorry. Looking forward to seeing you there tonight (Wednesday Zos Chanuka). But you are correct that we should be better brothers and get together more often in real life and not just in the CR.

    blueberry,

    You didn’t miss it. Its Wednesday night at Chevy’s house.

    #1201458
    squeak
    Participant

    Not so, I just called and she has no idea about it. Not to worry, I am making a party tonight in a local restaurant in my town (you know where) and you are cordially invited, should you find yourself with no other party to attend.

    #1201459

    Dov told me its at Chevy’s house. Weird. Either he was playing a trick on me or you are.

    #1201460
    squeak
    Participant

    Why would you think that? Have I ever been known to play tricks on nice people?

    #1201461

    ummm, do u really want me to publicly talk about some of the tricks you’ve played on nice people? I realize that you’ve grown up since then but still.

    #1201462
    squeak
    Participant

    charlie-

    We will have two agree to disagree on two points in your post:

    1) The definition of “nice people”

    2) Your assertion that I have “grown up since then”

    #1201463
    Aishes Chayil
    Participant

    WIKILEAKS SECURITY

    #1201464
    Horrified
    Participant

    do you mind starting a new post in the CR for all your family reminicences, and leave this feed STRICTLY for JOKES.

    thanks very much

    #1201465
    squeak
    Participant

    Welcome to the coffeeroom.

    1) If we forced this thread to stay on topic, it would be the only one of its kind

    2) It is a joke

    #1201466

    it definitely is a joke. You know yourself that you’ve at least somewhat grown up since then.

    #1201467
    squeak
    Participant

    Good one 🙂

    #1201468
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    Okay, charlie an squeak – I think I now finally believe that you two are really brothers! Did you always know each other’s identity?

    do you mind starting a new post in the CR for all your family reminicences, and leave this feed STRICTLY for JOKES.

    thanks very much

    horrified – I happen to find their exchange hilarious!

    #1201469

    blueberry,

    will you find it more hilarious or less hilarious if you find out that we aren’t brothers after all?

    #1201470
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    I’d find it VERY dissapointing!

    #1201471
    squeak
    Participant

    blueberry, don’t worry.

    I just hope that the place where charlie and I finally meet will be the place of the future beis hamikdosh and not of the Knesset.

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