Jokes

Tagged: , ,

Viewing 50 posts - 1,101 through 1,150 (of 2,015 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1201975
    tzaddiq
    Member

    Heard somewhere in Miami Beach, Florida:

    Dan: “So Sam, what did you get for Chanuka?”

    Sam: “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”

    Dan: “OOOOH WOW!!!”

    Sam:”Yea, I got the same exact color tie!”

    #1201976
    skiaddict
    Member

    Woaw i was about to get jealous!haha

    #1201977
    winny1
    Participant

    Imanonov. Thanks for the invitation. Who is the caterer and under whose hechsher?

    #1201978
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    oldies but goodies:

    Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

    A: “BREATHE, YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!”

    Q. what is red and goes up and down, up and down, etc?

    A. a tomato in an elevator

    #1201979
    Ken Zayn
    Member

    Welcome back BaalHabooze!

    Yo Mama’s so dumb…

    – she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new burger at McDonalds

    – she had a cup thrown at her so she told the cops she had been mugged

    Yo Mama’s so ugly…

    – even rice crispies wont snap crackle or pop to her

    – she gives Freddie Krueger nightmares

    #1201980
    Ken Zayn
    Member

    The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association supports your right to bare arms

    #1201981
    moishy
    Participant

    The History of the Air Conditioner

    The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

    The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

    Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

    The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label “The Goldberg Air-Conditioner” on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

    Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs’ name on 2 million Ford cars.

    They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

    And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names “Norm”, “Hi”, and “Max”.

    #1201982
    moishy
    Participant

    Shul Bulletin Board Typos and Blunders

    #1201983
    moishy
    Participant

    Shmuel and his long suffering wife Golda are lining up in their local bank when, oy vey, two gonifs (thiefs) run into the bank. Each is wearing a handkerchief around his mouth and nose and each has is wielding a gun.

    One of them points his gun at the customers and shouts out, “Listen all of you, stop screaming or else!”

    There is instant silence. His colleague then runs over to a cashier and yells at him, “put all the money you have in your till on the counter.”

    The cashier immediately complies and the gonif starts to fill up his sack with the money. But as he’s doing this, his handkerchief slips off.

    As he repositions his handkerchief, he says to the cashier, “I’m sorry to do this, but you must have seen my face.” He then shoots him.

    Then turning to the now fear stricken customers, he says, “I hope no one else saw my face.”

    After a few moments of silence, a voice is heard. It’s Golda’s. She shouts out, “I think my husband Shmuel might have caught a glimpse of you.”

    #1201984
    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    Ken Zayn…

    And the P.E.T.A organization supports the right to arm bears!

    #1201985
    babygoose
    Participant

    a boy’s bar mitzvah is coming up.

    his father is giving him a little prep talk.

    “listen yossie, after you are bar mitzvah, it’s time to grow up. there’s no more talking in middle of davening, there’s no more playing around during shul time”

    yossie turns to his father and asks:

    “totty, when is your bar mitzvah gonna be?”

    #1201986
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    AinOhdMilvad….

    And the P.E.T.A. organization supports bears to be armed with rights!

    #1201987
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    This was funny last night @ 3:30am, like all my jokes, you got to be totally exhausted in order to sqeeze a laugh out. LOL don’t know how funny it is now in middle of the day…but i digress.

    An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

    The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying late.”

    The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving the lecture at this time of night?”

    The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

    Old guy in a bar pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar and tells his friend, “That’s us in 10 years.”

    He said, “That’s a mirror, stupid.”

    Q: What invention made it possible for humans to walk through walls?

    A: The door

    #1201988
    Imanonov
    Participant

    The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.

    Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.

    #1201989
    tzaddiq
    Member

    i was going through the drive through at a fast food place and the girl said, “sorry about the wait.”

    I replied, “nah, it looks great on you.”

    #1201990
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Why do they always lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? ☺

    What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but nobody has ever actually seen one.

    The top Blonde inventions: solar powered flashlights, mesh umbrellas, braille driving manuals, helicopter ejection seats, wooden barbecues, battery powered battery chargers, left handed pencils, clear correction fluid, waterproof tea bags, fireproof matches, glow in the dark sunglasses.

    Why arent blondes hired for elevator jobs? They keep stopping to ask for directions.

    This blonde returned her new scarf to the store. She said it was too tight.

    Did you hear of the blonde who got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could also use it at night.

    #1201991
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    Shticky those are soooo funny!! LOL!

    #1201992
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    Wife: Why have u been reading Our marriage certificate for an hour?

    Husband: i was looking for the expiration date!

    Politicians and diapers need changing regularly.

    Both for the same reason.

    Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.

    The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”

    “274” was his reply.

    The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

    “Tuesday” replies the second man.

    The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”?

    “Nine” says the third man.

    “That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”?

    “Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

    #1201993
    Cutie
    Member

    why do we have coffee on chanukah?

    Because its Nescafe (nes caf hay)

    #1201994
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    Things to Ponder

    1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

    2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    4. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    7. Is there another word for synonym?

    8. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

    9. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    10. If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

    11. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    12. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

    13. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    14. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    15. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    16. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    17. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

    18. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    19. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

    20. How is it possible to have a civil war?

    21. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

    22. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    24. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

    25. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

    26. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

    27. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    28. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

    #1201995
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Great statements:

    1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame … two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

    — John Adams

    2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed … if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

    — Mark Twain

    3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

    — Mark Twain

    4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

    — Winston Churchill

    5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

    — George Bernard Shaw

    6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man … which debt he proposes to payoff with your money.

    — G. Gordon Liddy

    7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

    — James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

    8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

    — Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

    9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

    — P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

    10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

    — Frederic Bastiat … French economist(1801-1850)

    11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases … If it moves … tax it. If it keeps moving … regulate it. And if it stops moving … subsidize it.

    — Ronald Reagan(1986)

    12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

    — Will Rogers

    13. If you think health care is expensive now … wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!

    — P.J. O’Rourke

    14. In general … the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

    — Voltaire(1764)

    15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!

    — Pericles (430B.C.)

    16. No man’s life … liberty … or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

    — Mark Twain(1866)

    17. Talk is cheap … except when Congress does it.

    –Anonymous

    18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal … with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

    — Ronald Reagan

    19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

    — Winston Churchill

    20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

    — Mark Twain

    21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

    — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

    22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class … save Congress.

    — Mark Twain

    23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

    — Edward Langley … Artist (1928-1995)

    24. A government big enough to give you everything you want … is strong enough to take everything you have.

    — Thomas Jefferson

    25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

    –Aesop

    #1201996
    Imanonov
    Participant

    I have a friend who is a Psychoceramic.

    He fixes crackpots.

    #1201997

    Imanonov – This one of yours is most relevant. It should be posted in bold at the start of the various current threads:

    “2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed … if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

    — Mark Twain “

    #1201998
    Getzel
    Participant

    ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%.

    I would have given him 100%

    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

    * his last battle

    Q2. Where was the Declaration of

    Independence signed?

    * at the bottom of the page

    Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

    *

    liquid

    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

    * marriage

    Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

    * exams

    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

    * Lunch & dinner

    Q7. What looks like half an apple?

    * The other half

    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

    * it will simply become wet

    Q9. How can a man

    go eight days without sleeping ??

    * No problem, he sleeps at night.

    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

    * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four

    apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

    * Very large hands

    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it

    take four men to build it?

    * No time at all, the wall is already built.

    Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

    Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

    #1201999
    Getzel
    Participant

    Money isn’t everything

    It can buy a house, but not a home.

    It can buy a bed, but not sleep.

    It can buy a clock, but not time.

    It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.

    It can buy you a position, but not respect.

    It can buy you medicine, but not health.

    It can buy you blood, but not life.

    So you see, money isn’t everything…

    I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away

    your pain and suffering

    … so send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

    A truer friend than me you will never find…

    #1202000
    Getzel
    Participant

    ???? ??????? ??????? ?’??? ???? ??? ??????

    Egg yesterday= ????? ??????

    Empty egg= ?????? ?????

    I packed you by the story= ?????? ??? ?? ????

    Its doing itself on tables & on benches= ???? ??? ???? ???? ??? ????

    I whistle u on how big you are= ?’???? ???? ??? ??? ????? ?? ????

    Its holidays in the weekend= ?’??? ??”? ???????????

    I have u in attic= ?’??? ??? ??? ??????

    I’m laughing myself out= ?’??? ??? ????

    I’m driving on Mondroe= ?’??? ???? ?????

    If u want to remember, piggy it over= ???? ?? ????? ??????? ??? ?????

    I’m gonna put u over!= ?’???? ??? ??????????

    Stop being such an empty walker= ??? ???? ???? ??? ??????????

    Ripped off animal= ?????????? ???

    Chopping a life= ???? ? ?????

    Its me good= ?’??? ???

    Its worth a slap in the ground= ????? ? ??? ??? ?? ????

    A date and a radish= ? ???? ??? ?????

    Its not risen and not flew= ???? ???????? ??? ???? ????????

    Talking to the thing= ???? ?? ??? ???

    Ur twirled well= ???? ??? ???????

    Its turning itself a world= ?’????? ??? ? ?????


    #1202001
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    It can buy you a position, but not respect.

    unless you use that money to hire people to kill other people and force people to respect you

    another way is to give people money and they will respect you for being nice

    #1202002
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Getzel1, Imanonov, BaalHabooze, Cutie and everyone else… Thanx for those they are great. Now that it is a little over 2 months to Purim, lets keep this thread well fed

    #1202003
    Imanonov
    Participant

    The National Supervisor of the Banks in Israel walked into the branch of a bank on Kikar Shabbos and saw to his surprise one queue of men and a separate one of women.

    Barely containing his anger, he summoned the branch manager and demanded an explanation. “Are you giving in to the demand of the charedim?” he asked.

    “No sir”, came the reply. “You misunderstood the situation. One queue is for deposits, the other for withdrawals”!

    #1202004
    Getzel
    Participant

    They say milk gives you strength. Drink 4 glasses and move a wall. You cant. But drink 4 shots of vodka and see the wall move on its own.”

    #1202005
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    Two elderly couples had supper together. Afterwards the women went to the kitchen and the two men stayed in the dining room. One said to the other: “Yesterday, my wife and I went to that new restaurant in town. The food was very good. You should give it a try”

    “Oh yeh?” asked the other, “what’s the name of that restaurant?”

    “The name of the restaurant …, the name of the restaurant …, eh, let me think, the name …, aha, tell me, what is the name again of that flower with a red bulb, and thorns on its stem?”

    “You mean a rose?”

    “Yeh, that’s it. Hold on a minute” said the first man, and turning towards the kitchen he shouts out:

    “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that new restaurant where we ate yesterday?”

    #1202006
    feivel
    Participant

    the doctor calls up marty and says marty youve got to come into my office immediately, i must speak to you about your test results.

    marty comes in and goes right into the doctors office.

    the doctor says: marty ive got bad news and worse news.

    okay doc whats the bad news?

    marty im sorry but the tests show that you have only 24 hours to live.

    doctor, whats worse than that!?

    well marty, i meant to call you yesterday.

    #1202007
    koillel101
    Member

    Seen on a kashrus website. Please choose your level of affiliation:

    Chasidic

    Orthodox

    Reform

    Conservative

    Unaffiliated

    Non jewish

    The split of chasidish and orthodox had me rolling!

    #1202008
    ED IT OR
    Participant

    koillel, you can add on neturei karta, English, yerushalmy…..

    #1202009
    anonomous
    Participant

    Family History

    A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

    Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

    The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

    The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

    Parrots

    David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. In a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

    David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

    College

    A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

    “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

    “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”

    Italian

    To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. “We’ll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,” he said. “Sorry, sir,” said the waiter. “That”s the owner.”

    Joke-Telling

    An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. “My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn’t my brother. It wasn’t my sister. Who was it?”

    The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. “I don’t know who was it?”

    The hotel clerk responded, “It was me!”

    The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn’t wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.

    When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: “My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn’t my brother. It wasn’t my sister. Who was it?”

    His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, “It was a hotel clerk I met in New York.”

    Directions

    Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?

    She had three men giving her directions.

    Money

    A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?”

    The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!”

    Names

    Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

    When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

    Grades

    Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an “F” in arithmetic.

    “Why?” asks the father.

    “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ I said ‘6.’”

    “But that’s right!” The father replied.

    “Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”

    “What the heck’s the stupid difference?” asked the father.

    “That’s what I said!”

    IRS

    A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.”

    “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

    The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, ‘Now, you have everything.'”

    Pronunciation

    Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louieville” and the other “Louiseville.” They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, “Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly.” The waitress goes, “Bur-ger-King.”

    #1202010
    kapusta
    Participant

    Morris and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

    “Well,” said Lenny, “I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi.”

    “Wait a minute,” Morris replied. “Didn’t you read that book I lent you, ‘The Other Side of the Story’, about the command to judge other people favorably? I’ll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving’s behavior.”

    “Yeah, like what?”

    “Maybe he’s sick and needs to go to the hospital.”

    “Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab – he’s healthier than Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

    “Well, maybe his wife’s having a baby.”

    “She had one last week.”

    “Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital.”

    “She’s home.”

    “Well, maybe he’s running to the hospital to get a doctor.”

    “He is a doctor.”

    “Well, maybe he needs supplies from the hospital.”

    “The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction.”

    “Well, maybe he forgot that it’s Shabbos!”

    “Of course he knows it’s Shabbos. Didn’t you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week.”

    “Wow, you’re a really observant! I didn’t even notice he was wearing a tie.”

    “How could you not notice? Didn’t you see how it was stuck on the back fender of the taxi?”

    *kapusta*

    #1202011
    skiaddict
    Member

    Child to mom: When i grow up, im going to be a man Mom: Dont be silly, you cant do both!

    #1202012
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. “So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

    The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying “Ehh… 23”.

    The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”

    The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “Five foot three!”

    This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

    The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “Barbara”.

    The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks “Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?”

    “Ohh that!” replies the blonde, “I was just running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…'”

    #1202013
    Getzel
    Participant

    Thanks guys keep it rolling

    #1202014
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    The Jewish Olympics

    After reading through the list of this year’s Olympic events, it was found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes. Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the world’s Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the following:

    Oyga Vault:

    A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the bar then yell “Oy” upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an “Oy” will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of “Oy,” such as “Oy vay iz mir”

    Synchronized Swimming:

    Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash.

    Team Handball:

    The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.

    Triathlon:

    This year’s Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.

    In addition to the aforementioned events, this year’s Games will feature some experimental, non-medal competition:

    Bagel Toss:

    A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.

    Balance Beam:

    The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother’s checkbook in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.

    Challah Chap:

    How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.

    Decathlon:

    Commonly referred to as the world’s greatest athlete, this year’s decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back. Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have promised not to bow down to the opposition – which could be a problem for this particular event.

    Dream Team:

    This year’s Dream Team will not consist of the USA’s highly favored men’s basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to analyze and interpret the dreams of this year’s Olympic hopefuls.

    Naches Shlep:

    Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have two minutes to boast about their einiklach.

    #1202015
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

    The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

    At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

    “Since I am now 300 miles away, how do I get home?”

    #1202016
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Gonif al pi halacha:

    Sammy stole the Rabbi’s gold watch. Feeling bad, he approached the Rabbi the next day and said ‘Rabbi I stole somebody’s watch’.

    ‘But that is assur. Return it immediately’ said the Rabbi.

    ‘Do you want it’ asked Sammy.

    ‘No of course I dont’ retorted the Rabbi.

    ‘But Rabbi, the owner said he does not want it’ replied Sammy.

    ‘In that case you may keep it’ answered the Rabbi

    #1202017
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    The Small shtetl had a shortage of men of marriageable age. So when the Choson’s horse and wagon arrived from a distant town, there were two mothers-in-law waiting for him, each claiming him as their own. The Rabbi was called and he heard vociferous and heated arguments from both sides. After contemplating what to do, he smiled and said “You cannot agree on this so we will cut him in half and you will have to share him.” The first woman said “That is a wonderful idea. I agree wholeheartedly”. The second woman said “No, give him to the other lady”. The Rabbi stood up and announced, “The lady willing to cut him up she is the real mother-in-law!” ☺

    #1202019
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    A Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he’s forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.

    He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs (mezuzot!) and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms.

    He’s really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won’t put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a

    few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He’s so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

    As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, “Glad you’re happy with the job.” “By the way, I took out all the warranties from the little boxes and left them on your table.

    #1202020
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Two men are walking together. After a bit of time one asked the other:

    “I notice that your are limping. Have you got problems with your feet?”

    “No” said the other, “the sole of one of my shoes has come loose, and I can’t afford to have it fixed, or buy new shoes”.

    “Oy” said the first one, taking a thick wad of $20 notes out of his pocket “I can’t let you go further like that. Let me help you”.

    “No” said the other “how could I accept that from you?”

    “Come on” came the reply “isn’t that what good friends are for? Please let me help you”.

    “Well, I’m very grateful” said the second one.

    Without any further ado, the first one slipped the rubber band of the wad, gave it to his friend and said: “Here, put this around your shoe. It should keep the sole in place”!

    #1202021
    Imanonov
    Participant

    The International Vaad Ha Tznius has issued the following guidelines regarding laundry.

    It has come to our attention that many families, including those who pride themselves on following all aspects of halacha, are regularly not conforming to proper Tznius guidelines.

    Unbelievably, many, many families are washing men’s and women’s clothing together at the same time in the same washing machine. This is an unprecedented breach of Tznius.!!!

    How could anyone think that one is allowed to wash men’s and women’s undergarments at the same time in the same washing load?!!!

    What has our nation come to when people have fallen to such a low level? For shame!!! This practice must stop!!!!

    Given this we are issuing the following guidelines regarding the doing of laundry.

    1. Ideally each observant home should have two washing machines and two dryers – one washing machine and one dryer should be used exclusively for men’s clothing and the other washing machine and dryer should be used exclusively for women’s clothing.

    2. In the event that a family cannot afford to have two washing machines and two dryers, the following rules should be adhered to.

    a. Under no circumstances should men’s cloths be washed in the same machine as women’s clothing at the same time. They should, of course, also be dried separately.

    b. After doing a load of men’s clothing, one should run the washing machine through a complete cycle without any cloths in it using hot water. Then one may wash women’s clothing in this machine. The same procedure should, of course, be followed after washing a load of women’s clothing, namely, run a complete cycle using hot water without any cloths in the machine. Then one may wash men’s clothing in the machine.

    c. After drying a load of men’s clothing the dryer should be allowed to cool off completely. After this, one may use the dryer for drying women’s cloths. The same applies after drying a load of women’s clothing before using the dryer for men’s clothing. It is not enough to let the dryer cool below Yad So Ledas Bo. The dryer must be completely cooled off.

    Our forefathers lived in a land that was between two rivers – the Tigris and the Euphrates. The reason is obvious to anyone who thinks into it a bit. One river was used to wash women’s clothing and the other to wash men’s clothing. Surely we can continue this tradition by observing the rules stated above.

    We are confident that everyone who takes Yahadus seriously will abide by the guidelines stated above.

    With Torah greetings,

    Names withheld by request due to concern that our wives will stop doing our laundry.

    #1202022

    Imananov- I was rolling!!!(especially at the signature) Keep em coming!

    #1202023
    WIY
    Member

    There are jokes, and then theres Letzanus. Letzanus is the assur type.

    #1202024
    ED IT OR
    Participant

    wiy you way wrong on that one,

    great joke.

    #1202025
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Ideally each observant home should have two washing machines and two dryers

    I thought you were going to say one for those eating milky and one for those eating meaty…

Viewing 50 posts - 1,101 through 1,150 (of 2,015 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.