Jokes

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Viewing 50 posts - 1,051 through 1,100 (of 2,015 total)
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  • #1201924
    ronrsr
    Member

    i don’t get it.

    #1201925
    Barney Stinson
    Participant

    welldressed007-

    Last Man Standing?

    #1201926
    GumBall
    Member

    Yo Mamas so fat when she sits around teh pool she sits AROUND the pool!! lol

    Yo mamas so fat when she brought her skirt to the cleaners they said “Sorry no tablecloths”!!LOL……PLEASE MORE???

    #1201927

    Neturei Karta in Monsey and London is having an open house so people can get to know their activists a bit better.

    The name of the event is: “Deluxe Fruitcake in the Sukkah!”

    #1201928
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    1 pt for 600kilobear

    #1201929
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Yo mama’s so dumb

    She tried putting frosted flakes together to make a jigsaw puzzle of the tiger on the box

    #1201930
    GumBall
    Member

    OMG FUNNY ONE!!!

    #1201931

    Is your teenager heading for trouble?

    Send him to a Chol Hamoed event he’ll NEVER forget!

    Baderech lo Derech and Scared Straight bring you:

    The Big Gimmel – A Chol Hamoied Excursion to Gehennom!

    Send your teenager to meet some of the inhabitants of this subterranean garden of immolation and harsh punishment. Once your rebellious child experiences a day in the eternal lives of the inhabitants of Gehennom Hot Springs, they’ll never, ever think to go off the derech again!

    Separate boys and girls tours led by experienced guides who have lived in Gehennom for at least 15 years and know every inch of the place backward and forward.

    For more information, call Gehennom Direct Tours(429) 464-7374 (GEY-IN-DRERD) and ask for Teddy Herzl or Moishe Mendelsohn.

    #1201932
    GumBall
    Member

    Yo Mamas so fat when she got hit by a bus she scrame “Who threw that rock”!!

    Yo Mamas so fat the only picture you could get of her is through

    sattelite!!

    Yo Mamas so fat when she puts on lipstick she uses a paintroller!!

    Yo Mamas so fat when she takes a bath she does it in the ocean!!

    Yo Mamas so fat when she brought in her skirt to the cleaners they said “sorry no tablecloths”!!

    Yo Mamas so short when she sits on the curb her feet dangle!!

    MORE PLEASE!!

    #1201933
    BSD
    Member

    In this friendly little town known for its hachnosas orchim lived a stingy old miser. One day the miser’s wife complained to him that it just didn’t look right, what with the neighbors inviting guests, and they never having anyone over. The miser was in a generous mood and considered his wife’s request. He went right over to the local fish market and asked the proprietor for the cheapest slice of fish he had. The fish man brought out a fish for $3.99 a pound. “What!! Too expensive” said the miser, “bring me some thing more reasonable”. The proprietor kept bringing him fish that was progressively cheaper, but no matter how cheap it was, the miser was not satisfied. Exasperated, the proprietor turns to the miser and says, “you know what, I have just the fish you are looking for” He scavenges through the garbage until he comes up with an old rancid fish. “This one’s got your name written all over it” he said, “and you can have it for 25 cents.” “You got yourself a deal” said the miser, and walked out proudly with his merchandise. He had his wife cook it up on friday, and that shabbos, to the gabbai’s surprise , the miser magnanimously offered to take home a guest. When the fish was placed before the guest, his face turned colors just from the smell. “You eat first” he told the miser ” I can’t eat before the host” “NO no ” said the miser, “I insist”. The guest took the first bite and nearly gagged, but he did not want to offend his kind host, and so he managed to get the whole portion down. A few days later, the miser got the sad news that his shabbos guest was in the hospital. The miser went right over to visit. Several days later, came the tragic news that the guest died. The miser sadly attended his levaya. That afternoon, the miser came running home to his wife , all excited. “Can you imagine what a metziah -I did hachnosas orchim, bikur cholim and halvuyas hamais-all for one quarter!”

    #1201934
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    600

    Both of them would only be there for a yr

    #1201935

    I was in Otisville today to visit the hymishe prisoners for Sukkos, and let me tell you, a dank tzi der Basheffer far Otisville (Thank G-d for Otisville).

    This time I met Feivish der Fireplace Fabrikant. He tells me: “You know, I have 2 businesses. I make fireplaces and install them to people’s livink rooms, and I’m a real estate investor.”

    So I told him: “What are you doing here? Two honest businesses and you should be out working and making money.”

    And he tells me: “Well, times are hard so I decided to make my two businesses into one. I take a buildink and make it into a fireplace by openink up der ges-valve and lighting eppes a match oder myne lighter. Den I tells de insurance I need a few new livink rooms because dey blow up and dere’s no more room to put a fireplace.”

    And I say to him: “Now I understand. And all I have to say to that is – a dank tzi der Basheffer far Otisville!”

    (Another version of my Otisville joke, based on “Thank G-d we’s got penitentiaries” by a certain deceased comedian whose name is best not remembered here.)

    #1201936
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    All we need now is for iPhones to start playing up and we’ll have the dream headline:

    Apple and Blackberry crumble!

    #1201937
    koillel101
    Member

    SG- Sounds good!!

    #1201938

    Special offer. Limited time only!

    Switch from Vaad HaRabonim to Kupat HaIr and get 500 free minutes at the kosel.

    #1201939
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand the binary system and those who do not.

    #1201940
    just looking
    Participant

    ALIENS WELCOME

    If you cross the North Korean border illegally,

    you geet 12 years of hard labor

    If you crosss the Iranian border illegally,

    you are detained indefinitely

    If you cross the Afghan border illegally,

    you get shot

    If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally,

    you will be jailed

    If you cross the Chinese border illegally,

    you may never be heard from again

    If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally,

    you will be branded a spy and fate will be sealed

    If you cross the Cuban border illegally,

    you will be thrown into political prison to rot

    If you cross the UNITED STATES border illegally,

    you get:

    l. A job

    2. A driver;s license

    3. A social security card

    4. Welfare

    5. Food stamps

    6. Credit cards

    7. Subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house

    8. Free education

    9. Free health care

    10.A lobbyist in Washington

    11.Billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your

    language

    12.The right to carry your country’s flag, while you protest

    that you don’t get enough respect

    #1201941
    supergirl613
    Member

    ok ok Gumball here are your yo mama jokes

    1. yo mama so fat that when she passed by the television, I missed the whole show.

    2. Yo Mama so stupid that when she got locked in a 24 hour supermarket, she starved to death.

    3. yo mama so stupid that when she got locked in a mattress store, she had to sleep on the floor.

    Hope you enjoyed! I’ll think of more don’t you worry!

    #1201942
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    While cleaning the attic, Sam found an old stub for some shoes he left at the repair shop 10 years ago. He thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there. So he did. He handed the stub to the repair man who took it and looked in the back. After some moments, he comes out and says, “They’ll be ready on Wednesday.”

    #1201943
    BSD
    Member

    A man is walking home along his regular route when he notices a little boy trying to ring a door bell. As much as he stretches his little body, he just can’t reach the bell. The man walks over and rings the bell for him. The little guy looks up to him and says “Thanks mister, now lets run”

    A man walks into a hardware store and says “Do you have a mouse trap, please hurry because I have to catch a bus” “Sorry sir” he replied, we don’t carry ’em that big”

    A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a dish. After he is done eating, he calmly whips out a gun and shoots the place up. Bewildered, the waiter approaches him shakily and asks him, “What was that all about?” “I’m a panda bear, look it up in a dictionary” he replies casually as he strolls out the door. The waiter gets ahold of a dictionary and looks it up: Panda bear-eats shoots and leaves.

    #1201944
    BSD
    Member

    A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book…

    Plumber: ok I can be by you on a wednesday in 3 years 7 months and five days from now.

    Customer: Will that be morning or evening?

    Plumber: Why do you ask?

    Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.

    #1201945
    GumBall
    Member

    Supergirl-THANX SO MUCH!! LOL MORE MORE MORE!!!

    #1201946
    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Not a joke this really happened (I was there).

    Grumpy old man walks into a bakery and asks for a cheeses danish to go.

    The lady behind the counter explained that they are a bakery- not a restaurant.

    “Then last time when I ordered a prude danish, why did you ask me if it’s to go?”

    #1201948
    baron fritz
    Participant

    Rabbi Chaim Rosenberg was fresh out of rabbinical school and took up a post as Assistant Rabbi at congregation Beth Israel.

    The couples stared at Rabbi Rosenberg blankly.

    #1201949
    supergirl613
    Member

    I’m really upset cuz I posted like 13 yo mama jokes and they didn’t come up. Y Mods?

    #1201950
    GumBall
    Member

    THANX SOOO MUCH SUPERGIRL!! U ROCK!!

    #1201951
    supergirl613
    Member

    Thank you thank you!!(bow)

    #1201952
    Imanonov
    Participant

    On Saturday morning in synagogues around the world, kiddush club

    members celebrated the completion of a seven-and-a-half-month cycle of weekly drinking.

    The celebration, called Siyum HaShots, was marked by the downing of various whiskeys, bourbons, ryes, rums and brandies until every bottle was empty.

    “Shots in shul are a time-honored tradition,” said siyum organizer Ben Shikker. “We all know that wherever four Jews gather, there’s always a fifth.”

    The siyum (Hebrew for conclusion) is held every seven-and-a-half

    months because it takes that long for the average kiddush club to

    polish off all its liquors and begin new bottles.

    Shikker concedes that pressure is now being placed on synagogues to abolish their kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots.

    “It’s shameful,” said Shikker. “The OU is waging a whole campaign

    against us, called ‘Now You Siyum, Now You Don’t.’ But we won’t be intimidated.

    Shikker asserts that being part of a kiddush club actually improves the fervency of one’s davening.

    “You can’t spell spirituality without spirits,” he noted.

    He added that men who partake in a private kiddush during the

    haftarah “shokkel more during Musaf.”

    Some rabbis see it differently, however.

    “They shokkel because they can’t stand straight after all that

    schnapps,” said Rabbi Nofun Ahloud. “Or even worse, they desperately need the bathroom.”

    Despite the current protests, Shikker vows that shul kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots will continue. Furthermore, he advocates bringing the tradition into one’s home.

    “When my wife asks me to buy her a dozen roses, I give her three

    bottles of Four Roses,” said Shikker. “I’m very proud of that.”

    #1201953
    Imanonov
    Participant

    I’m starting to take this “don’t drink and drive” thing seriously now.

    I left my car at the pub last night and took the bus home.

    I’m quite proud of myself really.

    I’ve never driven a bus before!

    #1201954
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    The Engineer Husband:

    A wife says to her engineer husband, “Could

    you please go to the store for me and buy

    a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six.”

    A short time later the husband comes back

    with six cartons of milk and no eggs. The wife asks, “Where are the eggs? And why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?”

    “I followed your instructions. They had eggs.”

    #1201955
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Does running late count as exercise?

    #1201956
    Imanonov
    Participant

    We had a bachur in our Yeshiva whose middos were so atrocious that we wondered if he ever could get married.

    In fact he did very well.

    He actually got married many more times than any other bachur in the yeshiva!

    #1201957
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Rivka emainu tells her father: “I want to get married!”

    Her father responds in confusion :”You are only 3 years old!”

    Rivka responds: “But I’m in the parsha!”

    #1201958
    HLM
    Member

    lol Imanonov

    #1201959
    Ken Zayn
    Member

    Dear Google

    PLEASE stop behaving like a woman

    Will you please allow me to complete the sentence before you begin guessing and suggesting!

    #1201960
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I know this is a racist joke but I have to

    Why is tomorrow called black Friday?

    B/c the price is so cheap its a steal

    #1201961
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Ken Zayn: lol

    #1201962
    Imanonov
    Participant

    FRUSTRATED SHADCHAN: It’s so hard to please anyone these days!!! Here is a partial list of my clients …. I couldn’t even get them one date, and that is why I am finally quitting and look for another business.

    Avraham Avinu: How can you recommend him to my daughter? Wasn’t he involved in a family feud with his father over some idols? Then he left home without a GPS or a viable business plan!

    Yitzchak Avinu: His brother is an Arab terrorist!!!

    Rivka Imeinu: Sorry, she seems nice but did you hear about her mishpuche??? Her father’s a murderer and her brother’s a ponzi scam artist… .

    Yaakov Avinu: Okay, he sits and learns all day… but his brother is a no-goodnik. And anyway, we heard he has a limp….. .

    Leah Imeinu: Her father’s a con artist, and she has ophtalmological problems. Maybe it’s genetic?

    Moshe Rabbeinu: Are you kidding? His parents are divorced! And worse.. they remarried! And we hear he’s in speech therapy….

    King David: How dare you suggest him to our yichusdike family? Our neighbor Yenti told us that his great-grandmother was a giyoret!!!

    Chava: Do you know anything about her family? We never heard of them. No one knows where she came from and she can’t come up with any referrals!

    Please chevra, judge the person for him/herself – you’re going to marry the person, not the family. You’re getting married to build your home, not to please your neighbors. And finally, remember that if you are in this world, you are not perfect and neither is your spouse

    #1201963
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Imananov,

    You forgot avraham was a BT a big no no

    #1201964
    sem graduate
    Member

    gumball, this is for you;

    yo mama, she’s so skinny, she does hula hoop on a cheerio

    yo mama, she’s so dumb, she failed her blood test

    yo mama, she’s so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says “okay”

    yo mama, she’s so poor, she can’t afford to pay attention

    #1201965
    supergirl613
    Member

    real israeli LOL!!!

    #1201966
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    This is so true, it hurts:

    Question.

    If a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance?

    #1201967
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    What teacher sees: 2+2=4

    What you see: ??????

    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

    “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.”

    When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

    #1201968
    tzaddiq
    Member

    Yo Mama cooks so bad, the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.

    I once had a job crushing coke and sprite cans.

    It was soda pressing

    The preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

    With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

    Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. After 3 minutes of praying for Leroy, the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

    Then the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

    Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’till next week.”

    #1201969
    GumBall
    Member

    Omg those Yo Mamas were really funny!! lol MOOOREEE!!!!!!!

    #1201970
    smartcookie
    Member

    Dear grandma, you don’t have to lick ur finger when u scroll from picture to picture on my iPhone. 😀

    #1201971
    cb1
    Member

    Dad: I want u to marry a girl of my choice.

    Son: No!

    Dad: The girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.

    Son: Then Ok

    Dad goes to Bill Gates.

    Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

    Bill: No!

    Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.

    Bill: Then Ok.

    Dad goes to the President of World Bank.

    Dad: Appoint my son as CEO.

    President: No!

    Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.

    President: Then Ok.

    This is Business

    #1201972
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Mr & Mrs Lovon HoArami and Rabbi & Mrs Yitzchak Ovinu

    are happy to invite you to the chasene of their children

    Rachel to Yaakov.

    Chupa at 7 pm

    Followed by deception.

    #1201973
    Getzel
    Participant

    BaalHabooze

    the password one is gooooooooooodddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!

    #1201974
    Imanonov
    Participant

    One of the advantages of old age is that you can sing a song whilst brushing your teeth!

Viewing 50 posts - 1,051 through 1,100 (of 2,015 total)
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