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getzel1: Remember joke number 2,348 that was a good one!!!
What is the father of all corny jokes? Pop corn
One word for an ill bird? Illegal
One termite walked into a bar and asked the other termite, Where is the bar tender?
Yankel dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
“My, you look tired,” his wife said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” Yankel said, “We had no computer or internet access the whole day so all of us had to do our own thinking.”
Sol Epstein, an elderly man, was seated in Dr. Moskowitz’s waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Mr. Epstein got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.
After only a few minutes, Mr. Epstein emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Mr. Epstein’s friend Morty was in the waiting room and was shocked at his friend’s new posture. “That must be a miracle doctor in there.” he exclaimed. “What treatment did he give you? What’s his secret?”
Sol stared at Morty and said, “Well, Dr. Moskowitz looked me up and down, analyzed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.”
Little Rivkah came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
Rivkah replied, “My homework.”
“That’s wonderful,” says the angel, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended synagogue all my life and always gave as much tzedakah as I could.”
“Terrific!” says the angel, “that’s certainly worth a point.”
“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.
Rabbi Weinstein was teaching his 3rd grade class the story of Lot and his wife. Rabbi Weinstein described that when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt.
Just then little David Silverstein interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
What’s the difference between a schlamazel and a schlemeil?
A schlamazel is the guy who walks past a second floor window-ledge and knocks the flower pot off.
A schlemeil is the guy walking underneath….
Marvin Sapperstein went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, Marvin said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “Okay,” said Marvin, “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn’t stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons.
Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. “Stan, do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Rabbi.”
The Rabbi said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Rabbi,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the Rabbi. Then Rabbi Epstein walked up to Chaim Yankel and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
Chaim Yankel said, “No, I don’t Rabbi.”
The Rabbi was in disbelief, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
Chaim Yankel said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn’t stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons.
Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. “Stan, do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Rabbi.”
The Rabbi said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Rabbi,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the Rabbi. Then Rabbi Epstein walked up to Chaim Yankel and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
Chaim Yankel said, “No, I don’t Rabbi.”
The Rabbi was in disbelief, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
Chaim Yankel said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
After learning stories from the book of Daniel in Hebrew school, little Rivkah Epstein was particularly intrigued with the story of the handwriting on the wall. Rivkah approached her teacher to share her personal reflections.
“In my house,” said Rivkah, “when handwriting appears on the wall it’s not a miracle, it’s my little brother Shmuley.”
A charming and dashing presidential candidate enters a nursing home with his entourage.
But again she ignores him.
A baby camel was asking his mother a bunch of questions.
As the week went by, the rabbi began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Shabbat.
The man replied, “Well, Rabbi, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Rabbi, not even one person can understand you.”
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, “All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, yet another officer – from the back of the auditorium asked, “Do we have enough Jews?”
Chaim Yankel is waiting for his wife to return home from shopping when his doorbell rings. When he opens the door, there are two grim-faced police officers standing there.
“Can we come in, sir?” asks one of them.
“Of course,” replies Chaim Yankel.
They come in and he shuts the door. “How can I help you?” asks Chaim Yankel.
“Do you have a photo of your wife we could look at?” asks one of the officers.
Of course I have,” replies Chaim Yankel. “Why do you want to see it?”
“Could we please see the photo first,” says the other officer, “and then we’ll tell you why.”
Chaim Yankel gets a recent photo and shows it to them. The police officers study it carefully, then one of them says to Chaim Yankel, “I’m sorry sir, but we have to inform you that it looks like your wife got hit by a truck.”
Without thinking, Chaim Yankel says, “I’ve known that ever since I met her, but she makes up for it with a great sense of humor!”
Heshy and Izzie have breakfast together every morning at the local bagel shop.
Ethel and Herman interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any freezing because I’m in a big hurry,” Ethel said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
Ethel turned to her husband Herman and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
90 year old Max is surprised, but pleased nevertheless, when his grandsons Shmuel and Chaim come to visit him. During their visit, they can’t help noticing how old Max looks. “Zadie, how old are you… really?”
“Well Shmuel,” Max replies, “I’m very, very old. In fact, I’m so old that when I was your age, the Dead Sea wasn’t even dead, it was only sick.”
Estelle Rosenstein, a regular at a restaurant in Miami frequented by many seniors, was once again bothering the waiter. First, she asked him to turn up the air conditioning because she was too hot, then she asked him to turn it down because she was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out Mrs. Rosenstein.
“Oh, I really don’t care,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left. The first passenger said, I’m Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can’t afford to die… So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The Rabbi turned to him and said “Thank you but it’s really OK…. there are enough parachutes for both of us. America’s most intelligent President has just taken my Tallis bag.”
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Italian – throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a Device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union for a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, and the Chinese, are trying to explain to the Israeli why he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.
Abe goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife Sara’s test results. The receptionist tells him, “I’m sorry but there’s been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife’s samples to the lap, they got mixed up with the samples from another Mrs. Cohen and we don’t know which one is your wife’s. The bottom line is that the situation is either bad or not so bad.”
“What do you mean?” asks Abe.
“Well,” says the receptionist, “one Mrs. Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for gingivitis. We can’t tell which is which.”
“That’s terrible,” says Abe. “Can you do the test again?”
“Normally, yes. But your health insurance policy won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well what should I do?” asks Abe.
The receptionist replies, “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t borrow her toothbrush.”
One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small flags were mounted on either side. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time and finally asked the rabbi, “Rabbi, what is this?”
“Well David, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
“Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one the Friday night, or Saturday service?”
Israel’s economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says “Quiet everyone, I’ve got it, I’ve got the solution to all our problems. We’ll declare war on the United States.”
Everyone starts shouting at once. “You’re nuts! That’s crazy!”
“Hear me out!” says Yitzhak. “We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
“Sure,” says Benny, another minister, “And what if we win?”
Sidney was thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, “Lord, why did You make her so kind hearted?”
God responded, “So you could love her, my son.”
“Why did You make her so attractive?”
“So you could love her, my son.”
“Why did You maker her such a good cook?”
“So you could love her, my son.”
“So she could love you, my son.”
As Leah is visiting her late father’s grave in the Beth Israel Cemetery, she passes a woman who is sobbing and wailing at another grave. Leah can easily hear that the woman is saying, “Oh why, oh why did you die? Why did you have to die?”
After paying her respects to her father, Leah is leaving the cemetery when she passes the sobbing woman again. She is still wailing, “Why, oh why did you have to die?”
Leah feels pity for this woman and walks over to try to comfort her. “Pardon me, I hope you don’t mind me coming over, but I heard your cries of pain and anguish. I assume the deceased was a relative of yours?”
“No she’s not,” says the other woman, “in fact I never met her before.”
“Then why are you so sad?” asks Leah. “Who was she?”
“My husband’s first wife,” replies the woman
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“Which one?'” Ahmadinejad asks nervously.
“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday.”
Two men from Chelm, Chaim and Yankel, applied for a job. Both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the exam both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Yankel and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give Chaim the job.”
Yankel replied, “Why? We both correctly answered nine questions. I believe I should get this job especially because I have been out of work for much longer than Chaim.”
The manager said, “We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
“How could one incorrect answer be better than the other?” asked Yankel.
“Simple,” said the manager. “Chaim put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know,’ and you put down, ‘Neither do I.'”
Abe had been a salesman in the garment district all his life, but was getting tired of the constant battles with customers. So he decided to give up his job and become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked Abe how he liked his new role.
Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. “Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?” asked the priest.
“Of course, Father,” replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously.
“Rabbi,” began the priest, “It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much.”
“Father, you are correct.”
“Yes, but why is that?” inquired the priest.
“Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost,” said the Rabbi. “It’s called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property.”
“In that case”, replied the priest, “I must have one!”
Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest.
Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs.
“Who’s there?” the Rabbi asked tremulously.
“Open the door! Open the door!” screamed a voice on the other side.
Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught.
“What happened?” asked the terrified Rabbi. “Were you not protected from robbers?”
“I was! But these people were worse than robbers!” screamed the priest.
“Who?” asked the rabbi.
“Fundraisers!”
A congregant asks his rabbi, “Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking about business, when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters?”
“You have discovered one of the principles of human nature,” the rabbi replies.
“And what’s that Rabbi?”
“People like to discuss things they know nothing about.”
A woman named Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man. At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, “My, that’s a beautiful diamond you’re wearing. In fact, I think it’s the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!”
“Thank you,” replies Judy. “This is the Plotnick Diamond.”
“The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?”
“Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse.”
“A curse?” asks the lady. “What curse?”
“Plotnick.”
Morty just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked up to his wife menacingly.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His wife replied, “The Chevra Kadisha would be my guess.”
Sadie is having terrible headaches that just won’t go away so she goes to her rabbi to see if there’s anything he can do. She whines, and cries and talks for hours not only about her headache, but about her terrible living conditions as well.
All of the sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, “Rabbi, I think your holy presence has cured me! The headache is completely gone!
To which the rabbi responds, “No, no Sadie, it’s not gone. I have it now.”
Rivkah asks Shlomo, “I’m short of some ingredients for the cake I’m baking, so could you please get some things for me from the supermarket?”
“Of course I can, darling,” replies Shlomo. “What do you need?”
“Please get one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.” replies Rivkah.
Fifteen minutes later, Shlomo returns with six cartons of milk. Rivkah is furious with him. “You shmo! Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?”
“Because they had eggs,” he replies.
Aryeh and Devora, a young religious couple, were expecting their first baby. Devora went into labor on shabbos so they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital. Because Aryeh wanted to minimize the shabbos violation, he told the controller that he cannot have a Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Aryeh and Devora were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two way radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?”
Fifteen year old Jacob came bounding into the house and found his mom Brenda in bed. He asked if she were sick or something. He was truly concerned.
Hillary Graham, a veterinarian, was feeling ill and went to see her doctor, Max Weinstein. Dr. Weinstein asked Hillary all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when Hillary interrupted him: “As a vet, I don’t need to ask my patients all kinds of annoying questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?”
Dr. Weinstein nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to Hillary and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to sleep.”
Hymie is sitting in the dentist’s chair and is just about to have some extensive and expensive cosmetic work carried out on his teeth. Moshe his dentist smiles at him and says, “Just before I start, Hymie, I’d like to tell you how lucky you are coming to me for this work. When I’ve finished with you, you’ll be another man entirely.”
“I’m pleased to hear that, Moshe,” says Hymie. “So don’t forget to send your invoice to this other man.”
As they were getting ready to leave, Ethel asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.
Ethel really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked Ethel to move her car, which was blocking their van.
She told them her fee: $45.
Haha, love the last one! a good yiddishe kup!
zichmich lol some old ones and some new ones. you got a few smiles out of me
David was once walking in the street in France when he saw a German Shepherd jumping up and knocking over a six year old girl. He ran over, and with his bare hands pulled off the violent dog, killing it in the process. The reporters ran over to him, wanting his name.
“It will be all over the newspapers tomorrow: PARISIAN SAVES GIRLS LIFE FROM VICIOUS DOG!!!”
“I’m not from Paris,” Said David.
“Don’t worry – we’ll write FRENCHMAN SAVES GIRLS LIFE FROM VICIOUS DOG!!!”
“I’m not French,” Said David.
“We’ll replace that with EUROPEAN SAVES GIRLS LIFE FROM VICIOUS DOG!!!”
“I’m Israeli,” Said David.
“Brilliant – we’ll write ISRAELI MURDERS GIRL’S DOG!!!”
A customer comes into Moshe’s Furniture Warehouse and wants to pay for his purchase by check. The clerk just looks at him and points to the sign on the wall:
“There are two very good reasons why we won’t take your check. Either we don’t know you, or we DO know you.”
“No, not at all!” Mrs. Hyman replies.
They chat for an hour and as Rabbi Epstein stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. “I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” Mrs. Hyman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
One year, Rivkah decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result, their Bubbie never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given for their birthdays.
The next year things were different, however.
“The children came over in person to thank me,” the Bubbie told a friend triumphantly.
“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in behavior?”
General Marshall is in charge of the American Army, and he is visiting his colleague General Goldstein, who is in charge of the Israeli Army. Marshall arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Goldstein. They both walk around the place, and Marshall asks: “So how are your men?”
“Very well trained, General.”
“I hope so. You see, my men over at the United States Army are so well trained, you see, they’re the bravest men in the world.”
“Well, I’m not so sure about that General,” replies Goldstein. “My men are very brave, too.”
“I’d like to see that,” says Marshall.
So Goldstein calls private Barak and says: “Private Barak! I want you to stop that tank simply by standing in front of it!”
“Are you crazy?” says Private Barak. “It would kill me! Are you some kind of fool?”
Goldstein turns to a Marshall and says, “You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”
Sam was a new teacher at the Lincoln Heights high school. Sam was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. Sam noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
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