Jokes

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  • #1202244
    zichmich
    Member

    David and Rebecca were recently engaged. All seemed well until David heard some awful rumors about Rebecca. Eventually he decided to confront her.

    #1202245
    zichmich
    Member

    He finished and there was an awed silence at his story as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady leaned over and said to him: “I dare you to do it again.”

    #1202247
    zichmich
    Member

    Chaim Yankel was interviewing for a job. The interviewer said, “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

    “I’m the one you want,” Chaim Yankel replied. “At my last job every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

    #1202248
    zichmich
    Member

    Itzik stopped at his local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

    “I can’t stand this,” said Itzik tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

    “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?”

    “We work for the Union and we’re just doing our job,” one of the men said.

    “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?”

    “You don’t understand,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

    “Normally there are three of us: me, Shmuel and Chaim. I dig the hole, Shmuel sticks in the tree and Chaim, here, puts the dirt back. but we here are do’in our job because Oh No; we ai’nt going to lose a day’s pay because Shmuel did’nt show up!

    #1202249
    zichmich
    Member

    Itzik stopped at his local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

    “I can’t stand this,” said Itzik tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

    “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?”

    “We work for the Union and we’re just doing our job,” one of the men said.

    “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?”

    “You don’t understand,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

    “Normally there are three of us: me, Shmuel and Chaim. I dig the hole, Shmuel sticks in the tree and Chaim, here, puts the dirt back. but we here are do’in our job because Oh No; we ai’nt going to lose a day’s pay because Shmuel did’nt show up!

    #1202250
    zichmich
    Member

    Rachel goes to The Abrahamavitz Farm and asks David, the manager, if they have any vacancies. David tells her that the only job available is for a part-time lemon picker. Rachel says she’ll take the job.

    After David asks her some questions about her education and previous jobs, he tells her, “You’re really far too qualified for such a lowly position.”

    “But I would still like the job,” says Rachel. “I would be very good at it.”

    “Do you have any experience in picking lemons?” David asks her.

    “You bet,” replies Rachel. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

    #1202251
    Getzel
    Participant

    ZICHMICH

    VERY GOOD!!!

    #1202253
    zichmich
    Member

    Reporters CNN Journalist Christianne Amanpour and Former CBS Journalist Dan Rather, and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

    Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan, so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

    Christianne Amanpour said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Amanpour dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”

    The leader turned and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

    “Kick me,” said the soldier.

    “What?” asked the leader? “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

    “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me,” insisted the Israeli.

    So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him.

    The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

    As the soldier was untying Rather and Amanpour, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you first?”

    “What?” replied the Israeli, “And have you two schnooks report that I was the aggressor?!”

    #1202254
    zichmich
    Member

    Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union . The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you, but there isn’t enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave.” The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

    About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you this, but there isn’t enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave.” More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

    Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you this, but there isn’t enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn’t a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave.” More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

    Another hour goes by. It’s now getting dark and it’s cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you this, but there isn’t any meat. Go home.”

    One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, “See? It’s like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!”

    #1202255
    zichmich
    Member

    Sadie has a problem so she goes to see a very wise Rabbi. She asks him, “Two members of our shul, Bernard and Jacob, are both in love with me, Rabbi and I don’t know which one to choose. Who will be the lucky man?”

    Rabbi Levy replies, “Jacob will marry you, Sadie, but Bernard will be the lucky man.”

    #1202256
    zichmich
    Member

    Yankel was walking down the street in Manhattan on a hot sunny day and he hears yelling. He looks around and sees a man yelling down from the 54th floor of a building, “HELP HELP!!!” Yankel yells up to the man “What’s the problem?” The man yells back, “It’s my mother-in-law, she wants to jump out the window!”

    Yankel asks, “so what’s the problem, let her!”

    The man yells back: “The window is JAMMED!!!”

    #1202257
    zichmich
    Member

    My dear son,

    Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know yocan’t read fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved.

    It was a lot of trouble moving- the most difficult part was the bed. You see the man would’nt take it in the taxi. It would’nt have been too bad if your father had’nt been sleeping in it at the time. I am sorry that we are so far together. I wish we were closer apart. About your father he has a lovely new job. He has five hundred men under him. He’s cutting grass at the cemetery.

    My friend died and is doing fine. Another friend has the mumps and is having a swell time. He’s at death’s door and the doctor is trying to pull him through.

    There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it’s not working too good. Last week I put four shirts into it, pulled the chain and have’nt seen the shirts since.

    Your sister Barbara had a baby this morning. I have’nt heard whether it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are a aunt or a uncle. We got a letter from the undertaker yesterday. He said that if the last installment was’nt paid on your grandmother’s grave within seven days, up she comes.

    I sent you a coat by express, so I cut off the buttons to make it lighter. If you want them they are in the pocket.

    I started out to Ohio, to visit you. I saw a sign that said “This will take you to Ohio.” I sat on it for three hours, but the thing did’nt move.

    you loving mother

    P.S. I was going to send you $10.00, butI had already sealed the envelope.

    #1202258
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    I have CDO. It’s like obsessive compulsive disorder only it’s in alphabetical order, just as it should be

    #1202259
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A new study says there is no connection between breathing recirculated air on a plane and catching a cold. There is, however, a strong connection between breathing recirculated air on a plane and losing your luggage

    #1202260
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Did you hear about the Pepsi employee who was fired? He tested positive for coke

    #1202261
    ED IT OR
    Participant

    I walked in to a bookstore and started browsing. After a couple of minutes the guy comes over and asks what I am looking for. I answered I am looking for a book on how to get my wife to agree with me, he looks at me for a second and says You might want to try the science fiction section upstairs

    #1202262
    Chortkov
    Participant

    You heard about the Chassidisher from Boro Park who chucked out all his electrical appliances – his laptop, computer, blackberry, mobile, toaster, microwave, fridge and even his air conditioning unit. His washing machine stayed, though – “I have a filter!” He said!!!

    #1202263
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    sorry yekke2,

    air conditioners have filters too

    I guess yours doesn’t though

    #1202264

    You heard about the Chassidisher from Boro Park who chucked out all his electrical appliances

    No I didn’t. Don’t make assumptions

    #1202265
    Chortkov
    Participant

    And so does a dishwasher. BUT THAT’s NOT THE POINT!!!

    Moskidoodle – i do apologize if i offended you in any way.

    #1202267

    Moskidoodle – i do apologize if i offended you in any way.

    That’s OK just don’t do it again.

    #1202268
    golfer
    Participant

    Zichmich, where are you??? This is the thread i visit when i need a pick-me-up!

    I see some posters here very easily offended, so to all the rest of you- Thanks to all of you too!

    #1202269
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    yekke

    he threw out the ac not the dishwasher so IT IS THE POINT

    #1202270
    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe the Jeweler prided himself on putting customer service above all else. One day he overheard a clerk saying to a tourist who looked like she could have spent a pretty penny, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

    Alarmed by what was being said, Moishe rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

    Moishe then pulled the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

    The clerk smiled and said …

    “Rain.”

    #1202271
    zichmich
    Member

    Paul goes to see his boss one day and says, “My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I’m entitled.”

    Paul’s boss replies, “Come back tomorrow. I’ll ask my wife if I should give it to you. “

    #1202272
    golfer
    Participant

    Hello zichmich! Thanks!

    #1202273
    zichmich
    Member

    Shalom, who had never seen train tracks in his life and had never ever seen a train, chose to walk right between the two iron tracks. After about five minutes, he saw a giant machine bearing down directly upon him.

    Toot toot! The train whistled. The conductor waved frantically at shalom as he tried to stop the train. At the last moment Shalom quickly jumped out of the way and the train hurtled by missing him by a hair. So fast was the enormous machine traveling that shalom was knocked down by the rush of air accompanying the speeding train. As he picked himself up all he could see was the enormous black beast fleeing down the track, mocking him with a shrill toot toot.

    #1202274
    zichmich
    Member

    Morty went back a month later to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing function is near 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

    Morty replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

    #1202275
    zichmich
    Member

    “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

    “That’s amazing,” Rivkah said. “How old are you?’

    “Twenty-six,” he said.

    #1202276
    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe, the Jewish astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.

    He replied, “My mother said that when I do a spacewalk I should look nice.”

    Later on, during the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. “I must make an emergency landing!”

    “Why?”

    “My wife called and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser.”

    #1202277
    zichmich
    Member

    Izzie calls his mother and announces excitedly that he just met the woman of his dreams.

    His mother has an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to our place for a home-cooked meal?”

    “Ma, the evening was a disaster,” he moans.

    “Why?” asks his mother.

    “She refused to cook.”

    #1202278
    zichmich
    Member

    Selma accompanied her husband Morty to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took Selma aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

    1.”Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.”

    2.”At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.”

    3.”For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don’t burden him with household chores.”

    4.”Satisfy his every whim.”

    On the way home, Morty asked his wife what the doctor had said.

    #1202279
    zichmich
    Member

    There were three men: one Scottish, one Irish, and one Jewish. Every day they went to work. They were builders, working on the top of a building.

    One day, the Scottish man pulls out his lunch and says “TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna one more time I’m gonna jump off this building!”

    The Irish man says “EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg one more time I’m gonna jump off this building!”

    The Jewish man says “HUMOUS! I hate Humous! If my wife gives me humous one more time I’m gonna jump off this building!”

    The next day the Scottish man pulls out his lunch and says “TUNA! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.

    The Irish man says “EGG! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.

    The Jewish man says “HUMOUS! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.

    The next day the wives of the three men are interviewed by the police.

    The Scottish and Irish wives say, “If he had just had just told me that he didn’t like it I would have made him something different.”

    The Jewish wife says “I don’t understand. He always made his own sandwiches.”

    #1202280
    zichmich
    Member

    An Israeli student named Itzik who was studying at UCLA was heading back to Israel for the high holidays. When he got to the airline counter, he presented his ticket to Tel Aviv. As he gave the agent his luggage, he said, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to New York, and my black suitcase to Boston.”

    The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

    “Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

    #1202281
    zichmich
    Member

    “I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE…I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…I PRAY FOR A NEW LAPTOP…”

    To which the little brother replied, “No, but Bubbie is!”

    #1202282
    Chortkov
    Participant

    BUMP? Zichmich?

    #1202283
    golfer
    Participant

    Ha! I notice those of us who are humorously challenged (is there such an expression?) call zichmich when we need a laugh. So I’m not the only one…

    Hope zichmich doesn’t feel we’re taking advantage here. Making demands on his time and not contributing.

    Sorry, zichmich. My talents, if you can call them that, apparently reside elsewhere. And your posts are always good for at least a smile, if not a full burst of howling laughter!

    #1202284
    Getzel
    Participant

    agree thanks to all you that post Jokes here this thread is huge.

    #1202285

    Where is Zichmich?

    #1202286

    State of Arkansas Residency Application

    Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob

    (last) (_) Billy-Joe

    (_) Billy-Ray

    (_) Billy-Sue

    (_) Billy-Mae

    (_) Billy-Jack

    (Check appropriate box)

    Age: ____

    Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

    Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

    Occupation:

    (_) Farmer

    (_) Mechanic

    (_) Hair Dresser

    (_) Un-employed

    Spouse’s Name: __________________________

    Number of children living in household: ___

    Number that are yours: ___

    Mother’s Name: _______

    Father’s Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

    Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade

    completed)

    Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

    ___ Total number of vehicles you own

    ___ Number of vehicles that still crank

    ___ Number of vehicles in front yard

    ___ Number of vehicles in back yard

    ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

    Firearms you own and where you keep them:

    ____ truck

    ____ bedroom

    ____ bathroom

    ____ kitchen

    ____ shed

    Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

    Do you have a gun rack?

    (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

    ___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO

    How often do you bathe:

    (_)Weekly

    (_)Monthly

    (_)Not Applicable

    Color of teeth:

    (_)Yellow

    (_)Brownish-Yellow

    (_)Brown

    (_)Black

    (_)N/A

    Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

    (_)Red-Man

    How far is your home from a paved road?

    (_)1 mile

    (_)2 miles

    (_)don’t know

    Signature:______________________

    #1202287

    Pronouncing English

    Dearest creature in creation,

    Study English pronunciation.

    I will teach you in my verse

    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

    I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

    Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

    Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

    So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

    Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

    Dies and diet, lord and word,

    Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

    (Mind the latter, how it’s written.)

    Now I surely will not plague you

    With such words as plaque and ague.

    But be careful how you speak:

    Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

    Cloven, oven, how and low,

    Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

    Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

    Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

    Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

    Exiles, similes, and reviles;

    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

    Solar, mica, war and far;

    One, anemone, Balmoral,

    Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

    Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

    Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

    Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

    Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

    Blood and flood are not like food,

    Nor is mould like should and would.

    Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

    Toward, to forward, to reward.

    And your pronunciation’s OK

    When you correctly say croquet,

    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

    Friend and fiend, alive and live.

    Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

    And enamour rhyme with hammer.

    River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

    Doll and roll and some and home.

    Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

    Neither does devour with clangour.

    Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

    Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

    Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

    And then singer, ginger, linger,

    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

    Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

    Query does not rhyme with very,

    Nor does fury sound like bury.

    Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

    Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

    Though the differences seem little,

    We say actual but victual.

    Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

    Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

    Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

    Dull, bull, and George ate late.

    Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

    Science, conscience, scientific.

    Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

    Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

    We say hallowed, but allowed,

    People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

    Mark the differences, moreover,

    Between mover, cover, clover;

    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

    Chalice, but police and lice;

    Camel, constable, unstable,

    Principle, disciple, label.

    Petal, panel, and canal,

    Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

    Senator, spectator, mayor.

    Tour, but our and succour, four.

    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

    Sea, idea, Korea, area,

    Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

    Compare alien with Italian,

    Dandelion and battalion.

    Sally with ally, yea, ye,

    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

    Say aver, but ever, fever,

    Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

    Heron, granary, canary.

    Crevice and device and aerie.

    Face, but preface, not efface.

    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

    Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

    Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

    Ear, but earn and wear and tear

    Do not rhyme with here but ere.

    Seven is right, but so is even,

    Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

    Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

    Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

    Pronunciation — think of Psyche!

    Is a paling stout and spikey?

    Won’t it make you lose your wits,

    Writing groats and saying grits?

    It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:

    Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

    Islington and Isle of Wight,

    Housewife, verdict and indict.

    Finally, which rhymes with enough —

    Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

    Hiccough has the sound of cup.

    My advice is to give up!!!

    #1202288

    It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

    #1202289

    Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left.

    However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

    Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

    However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

    #1202290

    The results of statistics

    1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed

    2. All polar bears are left-handed

    3. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

    1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles

    2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles

    3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

    #1202291

    Fun things to do on the first day of class

    This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

    Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

    Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

    When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!”

    Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

    Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

    Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in your father’s class.

    Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

    Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

    Sing your questions.

    Speak only in rhymes and hum during class.

    When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.”

    Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.

    Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

    Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.

    Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

    Address the professor as “your excellency”.

    Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.

    Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing on your face.

    Ask whether you have to come to class.

    Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class.

    Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you.

    Relive your school days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

    Watch the professor through binoculars.

    Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

    When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”

    Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

    Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.

    As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway.

    Claim that you wrote the class text book.

    Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!”

    Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5” at the top, and start passing it around the room.

    Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

    Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”

    Disassemble your pen. “Accidently” propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

    Wink at the professor every few minutes.

    In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in superstitions.

    Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

    Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Macedonia.

    #1202292

    It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”

    #1202293

    You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let’s say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

    A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

    “Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889.”

    Pretty grim situation, right? But let’s revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

    Next, we rewrite the text:

    “Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

    Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

    #1202294

    I got totally mixed up with the pronunciations in the poem

    #1202295
    pcoz
    Member

    What tefillah did the Higg’s Boson say on Yom Kippur?

    Katonti mi’mass

    #1202296
    R Shmuel
    Member

    A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

    Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’

    The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’

    Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’

    The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.

    Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.’

    Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

    With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.

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