Jokes

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Viewing 50 posts - 1,401 through 1,450 (of 2,015 total)
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  • #1202297
    pcoz
    Member

    The passuk says – ki shem Hashem ekra havu godel le’lokeinu – when I call in the name of Hashem, render greatness to our G-d

    Alternatively, this passuk can be transalated – give a thumb to our G-d, but then the kashe is – why would you give a thumb to G-d?

    The way the decision was made which cohen would get an avodah in the beis hamikdash was that the cohanim would stand in a circle and each raise a finger. The cohen in charge would stand in the centre and count round in a circle looking at the fingers to know which cohen he was up to. The cohen that he finished on got that avodah.

    The mishna says in Yoma – ein motziin egodel bamikdash – The cohanim may not present a thumb to be counted becuase then they could also hold up their small finger and be counted twice and therefore have double the chance of getting the avodah.

    This applies to a human in charge of allocating the avodah – however Hashem does not make mistakes therefore havu godel lelokeinu – you may present your thumb to Hashem when coming to daven shemone esrei which reminds us of the avodah.

    #1202298
    Chortkov
    Participant

    Just yesterday, I came home and my brother was sitting there by the kitchen table, which was covered with thousands of tiny orange pieces.

    “What are you doing?” I asked him.

    “Making a puzzle,” He beamed. “A tiger!” He picked up the box and showed it to me.

    “No, moshe,” I groaned. “Put the Frosties back in the box…”

    #1202299
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Do you seriously think it is appropriate to post jokes a few days before tisha b’av?

    #1202300

    What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

    outlaws are wanted

    #1202301
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    yekke

    next time dont make a blonde joke without saying its a blonde

    #1202302

    you have a point

    #1202303
    Getzel
    Participant

    In the past we have requested all from posting in the 9 days.

    #1202304
    pcoz
    Member

    a) Are you going to the siyum hashas?

    b) No

    a) Why not, you went to the Internet asifa?

    b) Well I sometimes look at the Internet

    #1202305
    Chortkov
    Participant

    I had to laugh the other day when i was waiting behind a guy by the drinks machine. He put in a dollar and took out a can of coke. Then he put in another dollar and took out another coke.

    I was amused watching him taking out twenty cans. I said to him:

    “Can you get on with it?”

    He turned to me with a smirk and said: “You’re just jealous – I won every time!!!”

    #1202306
    Chortkov
    Participant

    Guys – 9 Days are over; start smiling and get your keyboards going! We need some laughs over the next few weeks!

    [Obviously – until Eluuuul, when the site MUST close down]

    #1202307
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    we still have a few hours of it

    #1202308
    Luna Lovegood
    Participant

    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out

    of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,

    enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

    “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue

    lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,

    then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!”

    and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked

    up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift

    ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason

    for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

    The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off

    with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

    “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

    #1202309
    Luna Lovegood
    Participant

    The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy,

    “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

    Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

    The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

    #1202310
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    I’m thinking about setting up a rival service to Twitter, which allows you to write 145 characters, instead of 140. All those in favour, say

    #1202311
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    This annoying guy called Pinchos Gershon Stern told me I can call him GPS for short, so I told him where to go

    #1202312
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    I hooked the world’s biggest ever fish last night. I’m still reeling!

    #1202313
    shlishi
    Member

    25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

    Now we have Obama, no hope and no cash.

    #1202317
    Ken Zayn
    Member

    Message/Tweet currently going around the UK:

    If you took any electrical items during the riots last year, the one year warranty is now expiring. Should you wish to renew the warranty, please call us on 999 (911) and we will sort it out for you.

    #1202318

    WARNING DON’T DO THESE ON YOUR FRIENDS

    call up someone and ask is your fridge running if he says yes say well you better go catch it

    or call someone and ask is max there if they say no say i’ll leave a message keep on doing this till they get annoyed then call and say this is max is there any messages for me?

    #1202319
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    @the happy one (User not found):

    The max one is really funny! Its the kind of thing arwsf would do!

    #1202320
    Chortkov
    Participant

    Apparently yesterday on an Elal Flight to USA at 16:44, a tall swarthy male of Palestinian origin got up on a plane, stopping a stewardess as she went past.

    “Allah.. Allah… Allah… Allah…” He stuttered. Everybody feared the worst.

    “I’ll have a coffee please!!” He finished…

    #1202321
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A German couple have moved into number 4 opposite us. They seem nice. I think he’s a bit paranoid, though. He says he’s living in fear.

    #1202322
    Getzel
    Participant

    True story this week in Lakewood

    A drug deal gone bad ended with one of the parties being robbed at gunpoint, police say. The incident occurred at about 11:45 PM in the parking lot of the Best Western Hotel on Route 70.

    A man reportedly agreed to meet a drug dealer to purchase a product, and when he arrived, the dealer pulled a gun on his client instead and demanded his wallet and cell phone. He took the proceeds and fled, without handing over the drugs.

    Police are investigating the incident. TLS-YYB/TLS-CCP.

    What an idiot:

    DRUG ADDICT: A man just robbed me in the parking lot on Rt 70.

    POLICE: Please describe what happened.

    DRUG ADDICT: I was trying to buy drugs, but he just took the money and never gave me the drugs.

    POLICE: Oh. Stay right where you are. We are coming to arrest you.

    #1202323
    REALIST
    Member

    ATTENTION LADIES:

    IF A MAN SAYS HE IS GOING TO FIX SOMETHING, HE WILL.

    THERE IS NO NEED TO REMIND HIM EVERY 6 MONTHS!!

    #1202324
    Wisey
    Participant

    Why did the Jewish chicken cross the road?

    #1202325
    Wisey
    Participant

    Why shouldn’t it cross the road?

    #1202326
    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    1)maybe someone “cut him” a good deal..lol!

    2)he was coming to my house. I love having booze with chicken.

    3)maybe the lubavitcher across the road, who was mekarev him, invited him over for a shabbos seuda

    #1202327
    Wisey
    Participant

    Why did the American chicken cross the road?

    The light was red.

    Why did the Canadian chicken cross the road?

    It saw the American chicken do it.

    Why did it only cross halfway?

    1)It didn’t want to take sides

    2)it wanted to lay it on the line

    Why did the Polish chicken cross the road?

    It didn’t see the truck.

    Why did the monkey cross the road?

    He saw the chicken do it.

    Why didn’t the rooster cross the road?

    It was a chicken.

    #1202328

    What’s a Ghosts favorite coloer?

    Boo.

    What do yo get when you mix a porcupine with a turtle?

    A slow poke.

    #1202329
    shtiky shlo
    Member

    What do yo get when you mix a porcupine with a rabbit?

    a fast poke

    #1202333
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Two Chabad-niks were speaking about Moshiach and … suddenly Moshiach was there!

    “What a pity” said one to the other “that we weren’t talking about The Rebbe”!

    #1202334
    squeak
    Participant

    Important community announcement:

    A Dirshu Hurricane will take place next week. Details to follow.

    #1202335
    SaysMe
    Member

    squeak- 😀 awesome!

    #1202336
    computerbagels
    Participant

    The daughter’s of Lot wrote a book about their mother. It was called “My Mother the Netziv”

    #1202338
    Chortkov
    Participant

    There was a Chassidishe in shul who never said Tachanun. Looking for a heter, some guys asked him why. He said:

    “Make a Kal VeChomer – If there is yortzheit we don’t say Tachanun, Kol sheken when there is nisht tzait we don’t need to say Tachanun!!!”

    #1202339
    Chortkov
    Participant

    Carlebach story:

    Let me tell you a story, my holy brothers and sisters… Once upon a time… i was walking in the desert. So thirsty, so hot; no water to drink.

    I davened to the Holy One above, and He sent me a camel. [Interlude: Ko Omar… ???? ???? ?????…]

    So now I was walking with the camel, and i saw – we saw – a man standing, so holy, so pure – holding out some water.

    I ran towards him, i could see the kedusha on his face… and i fell into the pit, with the camel on top of me…

    [Guitar strumms…]

    ????? ??’ ?? ??? ???…

    #1202340
    MeemaYehudis
    Member

    Yekke2 – very funny!!

    What do you get when you cross a chicken and a rabbit? Nisht a hen and nisht a hare.

    #1202341
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Get Prepared – Things are going to get ugly

    This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continues meddling in Egypt, Libya , and other potential hot spots in the middle east, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

    If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

    Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.

    It’s gonna get ugly!

    #1202342
    Getzel
    Participant

    Spell Checkers – a little Poem.

    A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers…

    Eye halve a spelling chequer

    It came with my pea sea

    It plainly marques four my revue

    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    Eye strike a key and type a word

    And weight four it two say

    Weather eye am wrong oar write

    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid

    It nose bee fore two long

    And eye can put the error rite

    Its rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have run this poem threw it

    I am shore your pleased two no

    Its letter perfect awl the weigh

    My chequer tolled me sew

    #1202343
    tzaddiq
    Member

    husband: How about a diamond ring?

    husband: well, then, a mink coat?

    wife: you know i do not like furs.

    husband: A golden necklace?

    wife: i already have three of them.

    husband: well, gosh, what do you want?

    #1202344
    tzaddiq
    Member

    a couple was having a party at their house. an hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. so she sent her husband out to get it. he was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. so he stopped at the bar on the way. an hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. he quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. he tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him but at that moment his wife came out. he quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, “come on guys, we’re almost there.”

    #1202345
    Shuychus
    Member

    One of the guys in my yeshiva said this at a sheva brochos, he gave advice to the chosson and said – chosson dont do the washing , i am telling you from experiance that boys simply cannot wash clothing. just the other day i put 2 shirts in the washing machine pulled the chain and i never saw them again.

    #1202346
    write or wrong
    Participant

    A Jewish guy buys a car, and chooses a Lamborghini. He then decides, that he wants to put a mezuzzah on it. He goes to an Orthodox Rabbi and says, “Rabbi, I want you to put a mezuzzah on my Lamborghini”.

    The Rabbi answers, “What’s a Lamborghini?”.

    The Jewish guy says, “It’s a very expensive, fancy Italian car”.

    The Rabbi says, “Sorry, we don’t put mezuzzahs on cars”.

    He then goes to a Conservative Rabbi and says, “Rabbi, I want you to put a mezuzzah on my Lamborghini”.

    The Rabbi says, “What’s a Lamborghini?”

    The Jewish guy says, “It’s a very expensive, fancy Italian car”.

    The Conservative Rabbi answers, “Sorry, we don’t put mezuzzahs on cars”.

    He then goes to a Reform Rabbi and says, “Rabbi, I want you to put a mezuzzah on my Lamborghini”.

    The Rabbi answers, “What’s a mezuzzah???”

    #1202347
    Chortkov
    Participant

    Shuychus – one of my good friends said the same – Are you who i think you are or is this a famous joke?

    #1202348
    WIY
    Member

    Shuychis

    Don’t get it.

    #1202349
    Shuychus
    Member

    yekke2- i dont know who you think i am.

    Wiy – think really hard about pulling this chain.

    #1202350
    WIY
    Member

    Shuychus

    The light 🙂

    #1202351
    Nechomah
    Participant

    I hope this was obvious already, but just in case it wasn’t, in the old days, the WC was equipped with a chain. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

    #1202354
    Wisey
    Participant

    Chicken crossing version 2.0

    Why did the litvishe chicken cross the road?

    Why shouldn’t it cross the road?

    Why did the Chassidishe chicken cross the road?

    That side was only for roosters.

    Why did the conservative chicken cross the road?

    It wanted to go off the derech.

    Why did the Lubavitch chicken cross the road?

    To be mekarev the conservative chicken.

    #1202355

    I just started a koillel where yingeleit learn practical halacha.

    The topic for this zman is the Arba Misois Byse Din.

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