Jokes

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Viewing 50 posts - 1,501 through 1,550 (of 2,015 total)
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  • #1202410
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    People post about blonde guys when all blondes are female.

    Blonds are male.

    #1202411
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Rule#1: There is an exception to every rule, including this one.

    #1202412
    mobico
    Participant

    WIY – I don’t get it. My fridge is tan.

    #1202413
    mobico
    Participant

    A nineteen-year-old girl went to her father for advice in Shidduchim. He told her, “Actually, I’m not a good person to speak to. I didn’t do so well. Ask your mother.”

    #1202414
    mobico
    Participant

    What did Terach say when he beheld the carnage wrought by Avram?

    Oh my gods!

    #1202415
    Getzel
    Participant

    Mazel tov we hit 1500 replies on this thread

    #1202416
    Trust 789
    Member

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    I tried to catch some fog. I mist

    It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

    If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

    If you were a triangle you’d be acute one.

    It’s raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn’t reindeer

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

    Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

    I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

    Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

    If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence

    If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

    (P + l) (a + n) = pa+pn+la+ln I just foiled your plan

    Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

    He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

    I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me

    What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? “I don’t wanna be Obama self”

    #1202417

    Haha trust! Those are really funny

    #1202418
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    The waiter asked the customer, “How did you find your steak?”

    The customer replied sadly, “Well, I just happened to move that crumb of potato, and there it was!”

    #1202419
    zichmich
    Member

    #1202424
    zichmich
    Member

    #1202425
    zichmich
    Member

    Little Shmuli and the Marcus family were invited to their grandparents for Friday night dinner. Everyone was seated around the table and Zadie Marcus was getting ready to recite Kiddush. Just then, Shmuli reached for the challah and appetizers on the table and began eating.

    #1202431
    zichmich
    Member

    Chaim Yankel recently opened up a flower shop and he was trying his best to win new customers, although he always seemed to get himself in trouble.

    Chaim Yankel phones El Al. “Yes, can I help you?” asks the booking clerk.

    “I’m looking to book a flight to Tel Aviv for this coming Sunday,” says Chaim

    “Before I can answer that,” says the El Al clerk, “I need to know how many people are going to fly with you.”

    And in the standard Yiddish manner, Moishe replies, “Do you know who I am?”

    “You should fear me like the others do,” says Satan. “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

    “No, certainly not” replies Moishe.

    “But surely you realise what I can do to you, in an instant, without even a word being said?” says Satan.

    “So nu already, be my guest,” replies Moishe calmly.

    “But don’t you know that if I want to, I can cause you unbelievably, horrifying agony?” asks Satan.

    “Big deal,” replies Moishe calmly.

    “And you still say that you’re not afraid of me?” asks Satan.

    “No way,” replies Moishe.

    Moishe’s replies so shock Satan that he asks Moishe one more question, “So tell me already. Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

    #1202435
    zichmich
    Member

    Chaim Yankel was doing some shopping in Manhattan and double parked his car on Broadway Street for a few minutes. When he exited the store he noticed a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

    The traffic cop ignored Chaim Yankel and continued writing the ticket. So Chaim Yankel, who always struggled with his temper, called him a pencil necked shleimel. The traffic cop glared at Chaim Yankel and started writing another ticket for having a broken tail light!!

    #1202436
    zichmich
    Member

    Jacob and Mindy Epstein just got married and moved into an apartment in New York City filling it with all of the precious items they received as wedding gifts. One day, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line written on the envelope:

    “Guess who sent them.”

    Jacob and Mindy assumed that it was a belated wedding present and while they enjoyed the show immensely, they spent the whole evening trying to figure out who the tickets were from.

    On their return home from the show, Jacob and Mindy were met with a disastrous sight: their apartment had been stripped of every one of their wedding presents, every article of value in the apartment. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written a note on an envelope:

    “Now you know!”

    #1202437
    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe is getting more and more worried about his wife Sharon’s aggressive behavior towards him. So today he decides to see Doctor Levy.

    “How can I help you, Moishe?” asks Doctor Levy.

    “Don’t worry Moishe,” says Doctor Levy. “You’ll be pleased to hear that curing such behavior is now no longer difficult.”

    “So what medicine are you going to prescribe for her?” asks Moishe.

    “I don’t need to prescribe medicine for her,” replies Doctor Levy. “Whenever you think Sharon is beginning to lose her temper, just drink some water. But don’t swallow it – just swish it around in your mouth. And keep swishing it around until Sharon calms down or leaves the room.”

    “Thank you doctor,” says Moishe. “I will try it as soon as I get back home.”

    Ten days later, Moishe books another appointment to see Doctor Levy.

    “So how is Sharon’s temper problem?” asks Doctor Levy.

    “Your cure really works, doctor,” replies Moishe. “I’ve been swishing water every time Sharon starts to get aggressive, and she’s now almost normal. I can’t thank you enough, doctor. But do tell me, how can a plain glass of water work so well?”

    “I must be honest with you Moishe,” replies Doctor Levy, “the water itself does absolutely nothing. It’s you keeping your mouth shut that is the solution.”

    #1202438
    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe Rubenstein had begun to worry about almost everything in his old age, especially his health. One day, Moishe bumped into his doctor at the supermarket.

    #1202439
    zichmich
    Member

    Bubbie Baila was taking her new granddaughter for a walk, when her neighbor Ruchel comes over and peeks into the stroller.

    #1202440
    zichmich
    Member

    Peter, John and Chaim Yankel were colleagues working in the same office. After work one day they decided to go to a bar to socialize. After a few rounds of drinks, Peter suggested that they all admit something that they have never admitted to anyone before.

    Chaim Yankel, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you….”

    “Don’t be shy,” says Peter.

    #1202441
    zichmich
    Member

    He was about to leave when he saw the sign in the parking lot that read:

    #1202442
    WIY
    Member

    Zich

    Good jokes there. Thanks!

    #1202443
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

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    #1202444

    Is that an ostrich? Maybe in the wrong thread? He’s too ignorant to know otherwise so let’s just be friendly to him here.

    #1202445
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    He’s smart. He’s here to defend himself and let everyone know that he eats sand to aid his digestion.

    #1202446
    WIY
    Member

    Why post a picture of a mushroom?

    #1202448
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    It’s an ostrich hiding its head from you.

    #1202449
    zichmich
    Member

    rebyidd23: This thread is for “good jokes” for corny jokes please post in appropriate thread. Thanks!

    #1202450
    WIY
    Member

    Rebyid

    They don’t actually put their heads in the sand. Google it to find out how that myth started.

    #1202451
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    No, it’s not a joke. It’s a good practical joke, you get people all ready to hear a joke and then–

  • nothing.
#1202452
bais yeshaya bochur
Participant

whats the first direction in a Persian cookbook? Borrow 2 eggs

#1202453
bais yeshaya bochur
Participant

whats the first direction in an Israeli cookbook? Calm down

#1202454
👑RebYidd23
Participant

What’s the first direction in an American cookbook?

Preheat the oven to 350. Even if you’re not using it.

#1202455
bais yeshaya bochur
Participant

whats green and lives in Germany? A shnatzi

#1202457
bais yeshaya bochur
Participant

how many new Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb? none of your business.

#1202458
2NI3
Participant

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?

Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer?

It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?

A terminal illness.

To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Computers are not intelligent.

They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My computer isn’t that nervous. It’s just a bit ANSI.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

#1202459
bais yeshaya bochur
Participant

how many yekkies does it take to change a light bulb? 1.0

#1202460
2NI3
Participant

Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled “Emergency Repair Kit”. Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, “It’s part of my emergency repair kit.”

Josh said, “I can see that, but why?”

Sally replied, “In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires.”

#1202461
👑RebYidd23
Participant

What did the tiger say to the tiger?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

#1202462
Trust 789
Member

I feel that I would be remiss – if I didn’t offer this little tid-bit of advice – to help you – in your Pesach Cleaning.

THE ULTIMATE PESACH CLEANING TIP

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it “Chometz.”

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Chometz permanently?”

6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly……

7. Feel better?

Works every time!

#1202463
Makcklemore
Member

Why did the shoe go to heaven? Cause he had a good sole.

Why did the light turn red? Wouldn’t u be embarrassed if you had to change in the middle of the road

#1202464
2NI3
Participant

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

‘Give me the box of matches,’ says one. ‘Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.’ He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms… ‘No, no, don’t!’

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?

Still, he takes another match… and… A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: ‘No, no, don’t do that!’

One of the astronauts says: ‘This looks serious. What are they afraid of?

Nonetheless, we’re here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars’. So he strikes a match – which flames up, burns down, and…. nothing happens.

So he turns to the Martians and asks: ‘Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?’

The leader of the Martians says: ‘It’s Shabbos, you idiot!’

#1202465
2NI3
Participant

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

“Hey, amigo,” Carlos says to Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?” Carlo’s sign reads; “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.” “What’s wrong with that?” Carlos asks him.

“No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!”

Carlo’s says, “All right, what does your sign say?” It reads, “I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico ….”

#1202466
👑RebYidd23
Participant

While that joke is offensive, it is funny.

It similar to:

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shining, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of David got nothing.

One morning a high priest walked by the beggars and said the the beggar with the star of David ” My friend, you are in Vatican city, all these people that pass you by will give to the man with the cross, they will never give money to a man with a star of David, in fact they will give to the man with the cross just to spite you…

The beggar with the star of David, turned the the beggar with the cross and said ” hey, Moshe, this guy is trying to teach the Cohen brothers about marketing”

#1202467
2NI3
Participant

their both the same thing.

sorry that you found it offensive, I just felt it was so true.

#1202468
2NI3
Participant

here’s another good beggar one with a point!

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank.

“You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!”

Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”

#1202469
👑RebYidd23
Participant

If it is true, that makes it even more offensive.

#1202470
2NI3
Participant

I doubt the joke is actually true but the point is. im sorry if that bothers you.

#1202471
2NI3
Participant

I hope this one doesn’t offend anyone.

A college student walks down the road when he sees a beggar on the side of the street.

College Student (C): Hey mister! whatsup!

Beggar (B): Yea how you doin’…

C: So, how long have you’ve been a beggar?

B: It’s about eight years now kid..

C: WOW! Thats long time.. how much do you get per day?

B: Not that bad… about 250 bucks a day…

C: That’s enormous!

B: Yeah.. Enough for living my family..

C: Owch.. you got family too! Where are they now?

B: My wife’s dead. I got three children, one of them in Harvard University, one in MIT, and the other one went oversea, he goes to Oxford University…

C: *pause, surprised* That’s..that’s really great… So, when they’re gonna be graduated?

B: No kid… they’re not studying! They beg in there! just like me!!

#1202474
bais yeshaya bochur
Participant

why are pirates called pirates?…..cause they arrrrrrree

#1202476
👑RebYidd23
Participant

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It wasn’t him. It was his sister.

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