Jokes

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  • #1201103
    h2
    Member

    Sadie and Bernie were well into their 80s and were still able to look after themselves. Until, that is, the day a police car pulled up outside their house and out stepped Bernie. The policeman who escorted Bernie to the door was kind and understanding. He explained to Sadie that Bernie told him he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

    “Oh Bernie,” said Sadie, “How on earth could you get yourself lost? You’ve been going to that park for over 25 years.”

    #1201104
    tomim tihye
    Member

    h2: I can’t figure out the connection of your screen name to your real name…aren’t you Arnold Fine?

    #1201105
    h2
    Member

    nope! I use the cut & paste- but shhhhhh, don’t tell!

    #1201106
    h2
    Member

    FOR SALE BY OWNER

    COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITTANICA

    45 VOLUMES

    EXCELLENT CONDITION

    NO LONGER NEEDED

    JUST GOT MARRIED

    WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING

    #1201107
    h2
    Member

    Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, “Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you’ll never get it back.”

    #1201108
    WIY
    Member

    h2 thanks for the jokes. These are great!

    #1201109
    WIY
    Member

    A Rabbi is walking down the street in New York when he is shocked by a sign hanging in front of a building.

    The sign reads, “WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 HAMAS TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE ISRAELI”.

    Enraged, the Rabbi walks up to the building to go inside and yell at the owners, but he is stopped by a smaller sign saying, “THE CHEVRA

    KADISHA” (Hebrew Burial Society).

    #1201110
    WIY
    Member

    A building contractor wants some quotes to build 2 flats…

    “How did arrive at that figure?” asked the contractor….

    The contractor sais “how did arrive at that figure?”

    #1201111
    WIY
    Member

    ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERSWorried about in-law meddling?

    I’m an orphan! Write. POB74.

    Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 71.

    Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64

    Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents’ house. POB 46

    Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658

    Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78

    Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56

    Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435

    Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.POB 787

    Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555

    80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I? POB 545

    I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

    Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53

    Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76

    Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27

    I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46

    #1201112
    WIY
    Member

    A man who has finally made it in business treats himself to a new Lamborghini. After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.

    “You want a mezuzah for what?” the Rabbi asks.

    “It’s a Lamborghini,”

    “What’s a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.

    “A sports car.”

    “What? That’s blasphemy!” the Rabbi shouts. “You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!”

    Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.

    “You want a mezuzah for what?” the Rabbi asks.

    “For my Lamborghini”, the man replies.

    “What’s a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.

    “A car, a sports car.”

    “What kind of sports car?” asks the Rabbi.

    “Italian.”

    “What? That is blasphemy!” the Rabbi shouts. “You want a mezuzah for a Goyishe car? Go to the Reform!”

    Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but goes to the Reform Rabbi.

    “Rabbi,” he asks, “I’d like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini.”

    “You have a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.

    “You know what it is?” says the man.

    “Of course! It’s a fantastic Italian sports car. What’s a mezuzah?”

    #1201113
    WIY
    Member

    An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

    “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

    “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back! , and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”

    #1201114
    WIY
    Member

    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I ‘d like to ride in that helicopter”.

    Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars — and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

    Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars — and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

    Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know — fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

    #1201115
    WIY
    Member

    Avram Kaplowitz goes to his favorite kosher restaurant on the Lower East side to have a _bissel_ tongue in raisin sauce. He is surprised to see, instead of another elderly Jew waiting on him, a Chinaman.

    Avram is not pleased. While he speaks five languages – Yiddish, Hebrew, Polish, Russian and English – his English is weak and he knows almost no Chinese. Imagine his happy surprise when the Chinese waiter asks him for his order in fluent Yiddish!

    Avram chats with the waiter, gives his order and eventually finishes his meal.

    While paying his bill, he says to the cashier: “You know, I never heard of a Chinaman speaking Yiddish before.”

    “Shah!” says the cashier. “He thinks he’s learning English.”

    #1201116
    WIY
    Member

    A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?”

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “do you want me to start over and talk slower?”

    #1201117
    WIY
    Member

    A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

    “What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”

    “Throw out an anchor, sir,” the student replied.

    “What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”

    “Throw out another anchor, sir.”

    “And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” asked the captain.

    “Throw out another anchor, sir.”

    “Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?”

    “From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir.”

    #1201118
    h2
    Member

    WIY- all these jokes are already on this thread (besides the last one i think) but thanx for trying!

    Morris was in his front garden mowing the lawn when his blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

    A little later, she came out of her house again, went to her mailbox, opened it, slammed it shut and went angrily back into the house.

    A few minutes later, she came out again, marched to her mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions, Morris had to ask her, “Is something wrong, Sharon?”

    “There certainly is, Morris! My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

    #1201119
    h2
    Member

    Don’t ask me, ask your mother.

    You didn’t beat me. I let you win.

    Don’t worry. It’s only blood.

    Don’t you know any normal boys?

    I told you, keep your eye on the ball.

    Who said life was supposed to be fair?

    If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.

    This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

    Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady!

    You call that noise “music?”

    We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.

    When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.

    As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.

    I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why!

    You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.

    This is your last warning!

    I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.

    What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?

    I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!

    What do you think I am, a bank?

    What part of NO don’t you understand?

    I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s father!

    Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?

    You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.

    It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad.

    You know you’re always going to be Daddy’s little girl.

    I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.

    Don’t use that tone with me!

    Am I talking to a brick wall?

    Don’t make me stop the car!

    #1201120
    WIY
    Member

    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”

    Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

    The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

    #1201121
    blinky
    Participant

    This is corny. A Rabbi decided to follow this Jewish guy, lets call him Mr. A. so he sees Mr. A. walking into a Mcdonalds. The Rabbi was not going to go in this tuma place so he watched the man through the window. Hes sees Mr. A. putting down his coat, and goes on line to order. He goes to his table with a nice juicy cheeseburger. The Rabbi watches the man washing his hands, sitting down, and is about to put the cheeseburger in his mouth. The Rabbi couldn’t take it anymore, he rushes in and says “Reb Yid, what are you doing?” Mr. A. says “calm down did you see me come in, take off my coat, order,wash my hands…?” the Rabbi says “yes.” The man said “great now i know the food that im eating is strictly under Rabbinical supervision!”

    #1201125
    oomis
    Participant

    “Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know — fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

    Now that’s a joke!

    #1201126
    d a
    Member

    “I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.”

    “I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.”

    Yup!

    #1201127
    wanderingchana
    Participant

    A chasid walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks at them and says, “where did you get that?”

    The parrot says, “14th Ave in Boro Park. There are thousands of them!”

    #1201128
    Imanonov
    Participant

    I hope this one isn’t on yet. There are too many jokes to check back.

    The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.

    “This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We’re officially declaring war on you!”

    “How big is your army?” the president asked.

    “There’s me, my cousin Moishe, and our whole pinochle team!”

    “I have a million in my army,” said the president.

    “I’ll call back!” said Mendel.

    The next day, he called. “The war’s still on!”

    We have now a bulldozer, and Goldblatt’s tractor.”

    “I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million.”

    “Oy gevalt!”, said Mendel. “I’ll call back.”

    He phoned the next day. “We’re calling off the war.”

    “Why?”, asked the president.

    “Well,” said Mendel, “we’ve all had a little chat,

    and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.

    #1201129
    d a
    Member

    Three Chasidim are discussing who’s Rebbe is the greatest.

    The first man says, “My Rebbe was walking to a city when he sees the entire city is flooded. The Rebbe called out “Ois flood” and all the water left the city!”

    The next man said, “That was very nice but not as good as my Rebbe. My Rebbe was walking to a town when he sees the entire town is engulfed in flames. The Rebbe called out “Ois fire” and the fire disappeared and the whole town was saved!!”

    The third man said, “Your Rebbes can perform really great things but listen to this! My Rebbe was walking down the street on Shabbos when he sees a $100 bill on the ground. The Rebbe said “Ois Shabbos” and picked up the money!!!”

    #1201130
    WIY
    Member

    da

    The 3rd Rebbe is an “Ois Varf!” lol

    #1201131
    Aishes Chayil
    Participant

    Biology Exam…………….

    I took my biology exam today and failed.

    I was asked to name something commonly found in cells.

    Apparently Blacks & Mexicans is not the right answer.

    #1201132
    smartcookie
    Member

    D a- the joke about the rabbis is funny but not very appropriate…

    #1201133
    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    You heard about the power outage at the mall?

    A bunch of blondes were stuck for hours on the escalator!

    #1201134
    rescue37
    Participant

    and the joke from aishes chayil is appropriate? Doesn’t kavod habrios come first?

    #1201135
    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    A blond called Chavairim because she locked her keys in her convertible.

    When the guy arrived, she pleaded “Please hurry, It looks like rain, and I left the top down!”

    #1201136
    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    Two blondes are hired by the Parks Department, given a big tape measure and told to measure the height of a number of trees in the park.

    As the two keep trying unsuccessfully to throw the tape to the top of the tree, a huge muscle-bound weightlifter type comes along and asks what they’re doing. When they tell him, he wraps his giant arms around the tree, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down, measures it for them, and walks away.

    One blond looks at the other and says “What a dope! We needed to measure the HEIGHT, not the length!”

    #1201137
    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    During the 6 Day War, a group of Israeli soldiers found themselves behind a sand berm in the desert about 100 yards from a group of Eqyptian soldiers.

    Knowing “Achmed” is a very common arab name, every few minutes one of the Israelis would shout out “Hey Achmed, are you there?”

    Each time an Achmed would stand up and yell “I’m here!”

    A shot would be fired and there would be one less Achmed.

    This kept going on and on, each time the Israelis would call for Achmed, an Achmed would stand up, and then BANG!

    Finally the Egyptians wised up. One said to the other “Hey we can do the same trick, every other Israeli is named Yossi!”

    So with a clever smile on his face, a still surviving Achmed yelled out “Hey Yossi, are you there?”

    “Is that you Achmed?” came the reply.

    “It’s ME!” laughed Achmed as he stood up – BANG!

    #1201138
    blinky
    Participant

    I just received this cute email.

    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol – Dead

    The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

    Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead

    Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation –

    What did you learn from this demonstration?

    Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’

    That pretty much ended the service!

    #1201139
    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    Light bulb changing jokes…

    -Q.:How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A.:Just one, but it has to really WANT to change.

    -Q.:How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

    A.:Three, one to hold the bulb and two to hold HER and turn her around and around.

    -Q.:How many Neturai Karta-niks does it take to change a light bulb?

    A.:Two, one to change the bulb, and the second to launch a protest against the Zionists who caused it to burn out!

    -Q.:How many Kollel guys does it take to change a light bulb?

    A.:Just one – to call the shver to let him know he needs a new bulb.

    -Q:How many Breslovers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A.:None. Breslovers don’t change light bulbs, because a new one can never replace the original.

    PLEASE NOTE: All of these are meant ONLY to be humorous, and should NOT be taken in any offensive way (except maybe the one about Neturai Karta!)

    #1201140
    blinky
    Participant

    (another cute email i received)

    Are YOU a Rachmanus?

    > If you get married at eighteen – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you’re still single at twenty – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you have three children when you’re married three years – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you have no children when you’re married three years – you’re a

    > rachmonus.

    > If you must learn in kollel for five years – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you must go to work at twenty – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you live close to your parents – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you live far from your parents – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If your in-laws are involved in your life – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If your in-laws are not involved in your life – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you have a job and work very hard – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you don’t have a job – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you “only” have four children – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you have twelve children – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you live on the top floor – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you live in a basement – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If only the husband is working – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If the wife is working, the children are neglected – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you move, it’s expensive – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you can’t move – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you attend a simcha every night – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you can’t go to simchas – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you must take household help – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you don’t have household help – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If the husband is forced to help in the house – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If your wife managed the entire household without your help – you’re a

    > rachmonus.

    > At fifty, if you don’t have work – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you still “have to work” – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If your married children come too often – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If your married children don’t come often – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you’re busy caring for elderly parents – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you don’t have parents ch”v – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you’ve married all your children at fifty – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you still have young children at home at fifty – you’re a rachmonus.

    > At sixty,if you’re both home all day – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If your wife works and you’re home all day – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If your children must care for your needs in your old age – you’re a

    > rachmonus.

    > If your children don’t care for your needs in your old age – you’re a

    > rachmonus.

    > If you live until you’re old and weak – you’re a rachmonus.

    > If you pass away young ch”v – you’re a rachmonus.

    But…….

    If you trust that everything Hashem does is for the good – you’re happy.

    If you trust that Hashem guides your every step with love – you’re happy!

    #1201141

    Why our lives are divided into sections the way they are.

    On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the

    door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

    For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

    The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten

    years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

    So God agreed……

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain

    people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a

    twenty-year life span.”

    The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty

    long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

    And God agreed……

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the

    field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves

    and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a

    life span of sixty years.”

    The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty

    years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

    And God agreed again……

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry

    and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

    But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my

    twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and

    the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

    “Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy

    ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our

    family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the

    grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and

    bark at everyone.

    #1201142
    WIY
    Member

    cholentkugelkishke:

    Good one.

    #1201143
    d a
    Member

    cholentkugelkishke, that was very good!!!

    #1201144
    d a
    Member

    Russia sold brand new fighter aircraft to Syria. The Russians sent a team of experts to show the Syrian Army how to use the machinery.

    The experts showed them how to fly, steer, shoot etc.

    After the training, the Syrians said, “You taught us everything but you didn’t teach us how to land.”

    The Russians answered, “Don’t worry, the Israelis will land them for you”

    #1201145
    smartcookie
    Member

    ???One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

    Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was actually just water.

    After drinking several cups of my ‘tea’ and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

    My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’

    Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it all.

    Then she said, (as only a mother would),”Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet…..?”

    #1201147
    d a
    Member

    Chaim was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people.

    Chaim walks over to the guy with the dog and asks who’s funeral is this. The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s”. Chaim wishes his condolences and asks “She must of been a very important person. But what’s with the dog?”. He answers, “This dog killed her”> So Chaim asks, can I borrow the dog for an hour?” He responds, “Get on line”.

    #1201148
    Imanonov
    Participant

    A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

    “Behave, my bubaleh” she says. “Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!”

    “And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.” “Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”

    At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son on and hugs him.

    “So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”

    The boy answers, “I’ve learned that my name is David.”

    #1201149
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only there for a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

    Finally, he went to a Jewish doctor who said:

    “Go outside, open the manhole of the sewers, put your head down and breathe in the fumes for ten minutes.”

    Ahmed went outside, opened a manhole, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

    Coming back to the doctor he said, “It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?”

    The doctor said: “You were homesick .”

    #1201150
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

    The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

    ‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst drinking his favourite wine. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector’, says the Coroner.

    ‘Second body: ‘Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile.’

    The Inspector asked, ‘What of the third body?’

    ‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘this is the most unusual one.

    Paddy from Kerry, 30, struck by lightning.’

    ‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector.

    ‘Thought he was having his picture taken.’

    #1201151
    blinky
    Participant

    I didnt read all the jokes yet so I don’t know if it was said yet. If it was well its funny enough to hear again..

    In an Israeli hospital three fathers wait anxiously in the waiting room while their wives are giving birth. A doctor comes out and goes to the first father and says “mazel tov your wife just gave birth to quadruplets!” The man said, “that is so funny because i live in kiryas arbeh!” The doctor goes to the 2nd father and says, “Mazel tov your wife gabe birth to 7 babies!” And the father said,”that cute bec. i live in be’er sheva!” suddenly the 3rd father, pale, runs out of the room. The doctor looking puzzled asked “whats the matter with him, doesn’t he want too hear how many kids he has?” one of the fathers answered “well he lives in me’ah she’arim….”

    #1201152
    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

    When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

    Customs: What is that?

    Old man: What is that?!? What is that!?! Don’t say “What is that?” say “Who is that?”. That is Lenin! The AMAZING genius who thought up this wonderful worker’s paradise!

    The official laughed and let the old man through.

    The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

    Customs: What is that?

    Old man: What is that?!? What is that!?! Don’t say “What is that?” say “Who is that?”. That is Lenin! That disgusting, miserable anti-Semite! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.

    The official laughed and let him through.

    When he arrived at his family’s house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

    Grandson: Who is that?

    Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say “Who is that?” say “WHAT is that?” That, my child, is FIVE POUNDS OF GOLD!!!

    #1201153
    boredstiff
    Participant

    Yeshiva Bocher’s First Date —

    A Yeshiva Bocher (young man) is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his Rabbi for advice.

    The Rabbi replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

    The boy picks up his date and they go to a hotel lobby to talk. They stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.

    He remembers his Rabbi’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

    He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.

    After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his Rabbi’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?”

    Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.

    The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his Rabbi’s advice and asks the girl the following question:

    “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

    #1201154
    boredstiff
    Participant

    –A Gift To The Teacher–

    Surprise!

    It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Flowers.” “That’s right!” the boy said, “But, how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?” With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!” SURPRISE!

    #1201155
    blinky
    Participant

    Gross!!!!

    #1201156
    WIY
    Member

    blinky: maskim

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