Jokes

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  • #1201050
    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    The guy came to empty the lock boxes with confidential company information and told me that our company actually makes money when we put papers in there as opposed to shredding them ourselves since the destroyed and recycled documents get sold to Marcal to make tissues.

    “Cool”, I said, “Next time I wipe my nose I’ll check if my name is on the tissue”.

    “Actually”, he replied, “I’d sooner look out for the staples”!

    #1201051
    Imanonov
    Participant

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a

    veterinary surgeon.

    As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and

    listened to the bird’s

    chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head

    sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has

    passed away.”

    The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”*

    *

    “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,”

    replied the vet.

    “How can you** **be so sure?” she protested..

    “I mean you haven’t done any testing

    on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or

    something.”

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left

    the room.

    He returned a few minutes later with a black

    Labrador Retriever.

    As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,

    the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the

    examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

    He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and

    shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it

    out of the room.

    A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

    The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

    sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its

    haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of

    the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said,

    “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,

    100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a

    few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

    The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the

    bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell

    me my duck is dead!”

    The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you

    had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,

    But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,

    it’s now $150.”*

    #1201052
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

    The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

    The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

    Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

    The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

    Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

    The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

    Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

    The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

    Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

    A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

    Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

    The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

    Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

    Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

    #1201053
    Imanonov
    Participant

    HOW THE STOCK MARKET WORKS

    Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

    The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

    He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

    The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

    The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

    Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

    #1201054
    oomis
    Participant

    “don’t get it “

    Seriously???? The bee put on a yarmulkeh so he would not be mistaken for a W(hite) A(nglo) S(axon) P(rotestant)

    .

    #1201055
    d a
    Member

    Imanonov, those were very good! Thanks!!!

    #1201056
    d a
    Member

    Eric Holder denounced Arizona’s law as unconstitutional while admitting he hasn’t read it. He’s read the law; it’s the Constitution he hasn’t seen.

    (This doesn’t really belong in the Jokes thread, it is very sadly true)

    #1201057
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Thank you. None of them are my own. I just passed them on, choosing the best ones of the far too many which I receive

    #1201058
    d a
    Member

    I think most of the jokes here are not “our own”. Just passing on the best (or sometimes not so best…)

    #1201059
    h2
    Member

    An old one- but it still gives me a laugh every time.

    About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

    The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

    The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

    An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

    Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

    “And then?” asked a woman.

    “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

    #1201060
    h2
    Member

    A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

    He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going

    to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to

    marry.”

    The mother agrees.

    The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

    He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”

    She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”

    “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you

    know?

    The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”

    #1201061
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Never eat more than you can lift.

    Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

    When I feel like exercising I just sit down until the feeling goes away.

    You can agree with me or you can be wrong!

    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Everyone brings happiness- some when they come, some when they go.

    Nobody is perfect, but who wants to be a nobody?

    Take a lesson from the weather- it pays no attention to criticism.

    If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

    By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

    “A great many people think they are thinking when they are actually rearranging their prejudices.”

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the

    bathroom door you’re on.

    We could learn a lot from crayons:

    some are sharp, some are pretty,

    some are dull, some have weird names,

    and all are different colors….but

    they all exist very nicely in the same box.

    I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

    #1201062
    Imanonov
    Participant

    When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

    The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

    The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”, while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Surgeons

    decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!

    The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow but the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

    The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

    #1201063
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Learn Chinese in just 5 minutes!

    English phrase – Chinese Interpretation

    #1201064
    nnnnnn
    Member

    Imanonov that was hilarios!

    #1201065
    blubluh
    Participant

    Much has been made about a defect of sudden acceleration found in a large number of Toyota vehicles.

    It is not unique to Toyota.

    This defect can be observed in any make and model whenever a traffic signal turns yellow!

    #1201066

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

    The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

    ‘Can’t you please keep quiet for once!!’

    The wife smiles and says, ‘Well, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,’Can’t you be quiet?’

    The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.

    That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

    The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

    The wife says, ‘Now, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

    (I love this part)

    ‘Only when he’s been drinking

    #1201067
    cb1
    Member

    Honk if u love Hashem.. Text while driving if u want to meet him….

    #1201068
    h2
    Member

    “Morris I’m ashamed of the way we live,” a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.

    “My father Moshe pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister Marilyn buys our clothes. My aunt Becky bought us a car…. I’m just so ashamed.”

    Morris, the husband, rolled over on the couch. “You should be ashamed,” he agreed. “Yosie and Aaron, those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent!”

    #1201069
    h2
    Member

    In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Shabbat.

    Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew’s bar mitzvah. But he didn’t want to miss the rabbi’s sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

    Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.

    Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.

    #1201070
    h2
    Member

    One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

    The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.

    Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength … and the tools to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

    The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools…and the intelligence… to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

    #1201071
    h2
    Member

    Meyer took the box home. He found a good place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?”

    But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his pet again, “How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with me?”

    But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So Meyer waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle and have a drink with me?”

    A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”

    #1201072
    h2
    Member

    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

    The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.

    The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps…

    #1201073
    h2
    Member

    A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.

    #1201074
    cb1
    Member

    a born-and-bred new yorker is in the country when he sees a field of animals and says to the farmer, “what a strange-looking cow why doesnt it have horns?” “well there are several reasons” the farmer replies “some cows get their horns late, while others have their horns cut off, and still others never even grow horns.” “and this cow?” the man asks. “well the reason this cow doesnt have any horns is bec its a horse.”

    #1201075
    h2
    Member

    “Be good and for your birthday I’ll buy you a motorcycle!”

    “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”

    “Don’t bother wearing a coat, it’s quite warm out.”

    “Let me smell that shirt. Yes, it’s good for another week yet.”

    “I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.”

    “Yes, I used to skip school, too.”

    “Just leave all the lights on, it makes the house more cheery.”

    “Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?”

    “I don’t have a tissue with me–just use your sleeve.”

    “Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s okay, that’s good enough for me.”

    “Of course you should walk to school and back. What’s the big deal about having to cross a few main roads?”

    “My meeting won’t be over till later tonight. You children don’t mind skipping dinner, do you?”

    #1201076
    d a
    Member

    In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Shabbat.

    h2, there is a video online about a class/shiur that did this to there Rebbe and the Rebbe put a tape recorder by his desk…

    #1201077
    kapusta
    Participant

    Mark, the strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of Sol, an older Jewish worker. After several minutes, Sol had enough.

    “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

    “You’re on, old man,” Mark replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

    Sol reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to Mark, he said, “All right. Get in.”

    *kapusta*

    #1201078
    h2
    Member

    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the London Hilton. Their life together in Golders Green was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road in Hendon, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.

    Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

    The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

    Scroll down for the answer…

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    The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

    Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.

    Men: keep on scrolling…

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    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

    By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

    #1201079
    h2
    Member

    Maurice, a young Jew comes to North London and applies for a job as caretaker at the Edgware Synagogue. The synagogue committee were just about to offer him the job when they discover that he is illiterate. They decide for many reasons that it would be inappropriate to have an illiterate caretaker. So Maurice leaves and decides to forge a career in another business. He chooses to sell plastic goods door to door. He does well and soon is able to buy a car and later, to open a store, and then a second. Finally he is ready to open 5 more stores and so applies to the bank for a loan. But when the bank manager asks him to sign the contract, it was obvious that he could not write. Shocked to discover that this successful young man had little education, the bank manager says, “Just think what you could have been if you had learned to read and write.”

    “Yes,” says Maurice, “I would be caretaker at Edgware synagogue.

    #1201081
    kapusta
    Participant

    Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.

    1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

    3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

    4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

    5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

    6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ” For Smuggling Diamonds”

    7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”

    8 . Don’t use any punctuation

    9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

    10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

    12. Sing Along At The Opera.

    13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

    14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

    15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.

    16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

    17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”

    18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

    19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

    *kapusta*

    #1201082
    d a
    Member

    8 . Don’t use any punctuation

    Did you mean:

    “Dont use any punctuation”?!

    #1201083
    kapusta
    Participant

    d a: lol, I was thinking that when I first read it and somehow I forgot about when I posted it. I do apologize.

    *kapusta*

    #1201084
    d a
    Member

    apologize accepted! keep them coming!

    #1201085
    d a
    Member

    I meant apology accepted!

    Sorry about that!

    Opera is like an Operation: Both start with alot of shrieking, then people in costumes say things you dont understand, & in the end, they always put you to sleep!

    #1201086
    myfriend
    Member

    kapusta, do you accept d a’s apology?

    #1201087
    myfriend
    Member

    George Bush is surrounded by his most trusted advisors when he asks “How do the Jews know everything first?”

    Nobody can answer his question but one aide suggests he speaks with Henry Kissinger.

    He calls him on the phone.

    “Henry, Mr. President here, tell me as one of the Chosen People how do the Jews always know everything first?”

    Kissinger replies, “I don’t know Mr. President but if you really want to find out I think you need to infiltrate their Orthodox community, become one of them and gain their confidence. Then you might discover how they do it.”

    Bush decides to take on the task personally and calls in Hollywood’s best wardrobe and make-up artists to help him change his appearance to that of an orthodox Jew. With the transformation complete he calls Kissinger back to ask him for a few Yiddish phrases.

    At 6.00 a.m. Bush arrives in New York’s Orthodox Jewish quarter and dispenses will all his aides and security. He walks the streets until he finds a Strictly Kosher Deli serving early morning breakfast.

    He enters looking exactly like all the other diners he buys a black coffee and starts to mingle. Eventually he turns to one of his kin and says “Vus Muxda?”.

    The elderly Orthodox Jew replies,

    “George Bush is in town!”

    #1201088
    myfriend
    Member

    A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Moishe.”

    Passenger: “Who?”

    Cabbie: “C. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time.”

    Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

    Cabbie: “Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.”

    Passenger: “Sounds like he was something, huh?”

    Cabbie: “He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the

    whole neighborhood blacks out.”

    Passenger. “Wow, some guy ehh?

    Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me.

    Passenger: “Mmm, not many like that around”

    Cabbie: “And he knew how to treat a person and make him feel good and never answer him back, even if he was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”

    Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

    Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Moishe.”

    Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”

    Cabbie: “I married his widow.”

    #1201089
    kapusta
    Participant

    myfriend, yes d a’s apology is very accepted 🙂

    *kapusta*

    #1201090
    d a
    Member

    okay people, enough with the apologizes. Lets get back to the jokes!

    #1201091
    wanderingchana
    Participant

    A rabbi, a minister and a priest walked into a bar, and the bartender looked up and said, “what, is this some kind of joke?”

    #1201092
    grada
    Member

    Two muffins were in an oven. One muffin said to the other,”it sure is hot in here.” the other muffin jumped back and screamed, “OH MY GOSH, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!

    #1201094
    h2
    Member

    Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

    In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

    Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

    A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping in Brent Cross and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

    Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

    The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

    First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

    Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

    Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

    If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

    Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

    A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.

    #1201095
    h2
    Member

    Hette has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.

    God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

    As soon as she had recovered, Hette figured that since she’s got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the colour of her hair!

    But tragedy – some weeks later, as Hette is leaving hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she left the hospital.

    When Hette arrives in front of God, she asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”.

    God replies, “I didn’t recognize you.”

    #1201096
    h2
    Member
    #1201097
    h2
    Member

    “Do you suffer any pain?” asked her doctor.

    “No.”

    “But doctor,” cried Yenta, ” you don’t know what a boring person I am!”

    #1201099
    h2
    Member

    Does anyone else have any jokes to share???

    Not really funny-

    Two Yeshiva students are discussing whether it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah. But they cannot reach any agreement.

    So Yankel says to Moishe, “We will go and ask the Rebbe.”

    When they find the Rabbi, Yankel asks him, “Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?”

    The rabbi replies in a severe tone of voice: “Certainly not!”

    Moishe then addresses the Rabbi, “Rebbe, let me ask you another question. May we learn Torah while we smoke?”

    The Rabbi immediately replies, with a warm smile, “Yes, of course!”

    #1201100
    h2
    Member

    Sadie was a Reuters journalist. One year, she was assigned to their Jerusalem office and her apartment overlooked the Wailing Wall. On her first morning, as she was getting ready to go to the office, she looked out her window and saw an old man praying vigorously, his head bobbing up and down rapidly. So Sadie, seeing an interesting story in the making, went down to talk to him.

    Sadie asked him, “How often do you come here to pray?”

    “Every day,” he replied. “I have come here to pray on this spot every day for the last 20 years.”

    “You come every day to the wall? What are you praying for?” Sadie asked.

    The old man replies,” I pray for peace in this angry world in the morning. Then I go home, have my lunch, and come back in the afternoon. Then I pray for a world free of illness and disease.”

    Sadie is amazed. “How do you feel coming here every day for 20 years and praying for these things?” she asks.

    The old man looks at her sadly. “Like I’m talking to a wall.”

    #1201101
    smartcookie
    Member

    H2- you’re doing great! I’m really entertained!

    #1201102
    funny613
    Member

    What do you call a dead mouse?

    A Mayseh Shehoyah!

    What do you call a grandma mouse?

    A Bubbe Mayseh!

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