Midaber Ivrit???

Home Forums Decaffeinated Coffee Midaber Ivrit???

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 85 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #596887

    BSD
    Member

    Anybody have funny or awkward stories of trying to communicate with Israeli’s in broken ivrit? Here’s a story I heard:

    A sem girl was on an egged bus when she realized that the driver was passing her stop, so she yelled out to the driver “Nahag, ani tzrichah laledet”. The driver slammed on the brakes and asked “Mi? Mi tzarichah laledet?” The girl raised her hand and said “Ani, Ani” All the passengers quickly made way for her as she calmly walked to the front of the bus, gave the driver a cheery “Toda” and walked off the bus.

    #770083

    a guy was trying to get directions to the highway..

    he didnt know how to say highway so he figured that “derech gavoah” would suffice…

    he pulled over a car and asked “eifoh haderech gavoah?” the driver laughed…and instead of responding in engish which he knew…he replied

    “ohd al”!!!- moron!!!!!!-isrealis have good comebacks!!

    #770084

    grada
    Member

    ani oheiv falafel

    #770085

    s2021
    Member

    lol! Funny BSD! How come these jokes are always with a seminary girl on a bus? I dont even attempt to speak hebrew cuz of all the jokes Iv heard already.. I just know Ill be the girl who creates the next one.. 🙂

    #770087

    saw this one once, probably in the Hamodia:

    a tourist was leaving Israel after a few weeks holiday.

    She wanted to show off her newly learned Hebrew and thanked the taxi driver for taking her to the ‘tut soh-de’.

    #770088

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Bsd lol.

    This thread is something anyone who speaks ivrit and learned in a Yeshiva is Israel should have several episodes to add here.

    This one I witnessed. We were once in a pizza store when a group of American tourist invaded loudly, deciding what to order. They decided on pizza with mushrooms. Then one of them announced that as he spoke the language he would order. He went over and said “er, anee rowtze, er, pizza gadol im mitriot”! (mushrooms are pitriot, while mitriot are umbrellas!)

    Another story goes that a guy needed to know the time. He asked someone “slicha, mah hashaah achshav”. They said “ein li musag”. So he asked somebody else. They replied “slicha ein li musag. So he went upto a 3rd guy and asked him “yesh lecha musag?” !!!

    To change language, a chassidisher meshulach knocked on a house and the mother told the kid to say the father wasnt at home. The kid proudly said “mein tatte is nisht in zein hoizen”

    #770089

    me too
    Member

    Pitriyot do resemble mitriyot

    At the least the kid was honest, Dad was in his nightclothes.

    A father was in Boston with his ill daughter for medical treatment.

    He as staying in the Bostoner Rebbe’s home (pre Rofeh ) while the Rebbe was at the lake shore.

    When the phone rang and the caller asked for the Rebe, the guest answered “de rebbe is by de sink”

    ?

    #770091

    cshapiro
    Member

    my sister has a few from her ulpan, but the funniest was when the teacher was late a girl asked lama at ????? instead of ????? lol….its a good thing she was an ulpan teacher!!!

    i heard this one from my cousin who lives in sanhedria. A bjj girl was waiting by a bus stop when a soldier came and sat down placing his gun next to him. The soldiers bus came so he ran on but forgot his gun so the girl said chayal chayal shachachta nesheeka, the soldier looked at her funny, but she repeated it chayal chayal shachachta nesheeka…so the soldier ran off bus gave her a kiss and went back on :))

    #770094

    MindOverChatter
    Participant

    A chiloni sabra had an aliya on his father’s yahrtzeit. The gabbai asked him “Nu, Moshe ben?”

    He proudly answered “shloshim”.

    #770095

    BSD
    Member

    s2021-the story wouldn’t work too well with a guy. But in case you or any sem alumni feel slighted, here’s one about a yeshiva bachur (I,ll leave the gender wars for Popa)

    I have deleted this joke from 5 different users. If yours was deleted, it was this one. No underwear jokes.

    #770096

    BSD
    Member

    C’mon mod-it wasn’t that bad!:(

    It wasn’t that bad. As I noted, most of the posters on this thread posted it. But, it cuts just past what I’m willing to allow.

    The line is what makes the joke funny. If it was about apples, you wouldn’t be posting it.

    #770098

    yeshivaguy1
    Member

    The thing that annoys me the most is the R. My hebrew is pretty good since I am in an Israeli Yeshiva but yet I can not pronounce many words properly.

    #770099

    BSD
    Member

    I know what you mean. I thought I had the accent down pat, yet every time I would talk to an Israeli he would say “Attah Amerikai?”

    #770101

    American Guy goes to restaurant, Israeli Sephardi taking orders behind the counter, and he asks for a ‘Frank Al Ha’eish’!

    #770102

    Ayala11
    Participant

    My mother was in Israel and someone told her a joke and she wanted to tell them that she thought it was funny, so instead of saying ‘Ani Tzocheket’ she said ‘Ani tzoeket’

    #770103

    TweetTweet
    Participant

    Well most people don’t know when to say “holeich” and “noseiah”. Holeich is generally used for walking while noseiah is used for driving and travelling somewhere.

    A seminary girl asked an egged driver before boarding the bus “ata holeich lakotel”? The bus driver angrily replied “ani noseiah, ata holeich” and he slammed the door in her face.

    #770104

    aries2756
    Participant

    BSD, what makes the Sem on the bus joke so funny for me right now is that I am sitting in the hospital waiting for my friend to deliver her first baby. So that was quite funny for me. Thanks, it broke up the tension for me.

    As far as the Tatta who is nisht in zein hoizen, I think that is either very common or you must know us, because my daughter said that about 25 years ago to the meshulachim at the front door.

    #770105

    Ok, here is one that happened to me in 1983 or 1984. I walked over to a falafel stand, and the guy running the stand said, falafel chofshi chofshi!!! So I asked for one, and then walked away without paying!!!!

    #770106

    BSD
    Member

    aries-it should be bisha’ah tova.

    Heree’s another to keep you going (tho all the posts here are a great laugh)

    This guy was rushing to make it to the airport and he needed a taxi, so he kept asking “aifo hasheirutim?” When people started scratching their heads trying to think of a place for him he said “maher, maher, ani ratz”.

    #770107

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    When being offered coffee, the guest meant to tell the hostess ‘Al tatrichi et atzmech’ (‘don’t trouble yourself’), but said ‘Al tartichi et atzmech’ (don’t boil yourself).”

    #770108

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Upon her second marriage, a woman who had always seemed nice told people she’s become an “??? ?????” (killer mom) instead of an “??? ?????”, a stepmother.

    #770109

    me too
    Member

    The bus driver angrily who replied “ani noseiah, ata holeich”

    was no ????? himself ,should’ve said ?? ?????

    #770110

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    When walking with a newcomer in a kibbutz, the visitor marveled how the cows went to the milking shed and took their places at the exact places. How did they know? The host said: ‘It is parapsychology,’ and laughed hysterically. The guest asked him what’s so funny, to which he replied, ‘parapsychology – the psychology of the para [cow]!’

    #770111

    ItcheSrulik
    Member

    I met a guy in college who had a system to avoid having to use his awful Hebrew while in Israel. Whenever someone spoke to him in Hebrew he would say “??? ?? ???? ????? ” and when the Israeli inevitably said “midaber” he would reply “??? ?? ???? ????? ???? “

    #770112

    I needed to buy a rolling pin but I couldn’t find them in the aisles of the supermarket and I wasn’t sure what they are called in Hebrew. So I went up to the help counter and asked said “…??? ???? ?????” and I made rolling back and forth motions.

    I couldn’t figure out why she kept questioning me “?????????”.

    Finally, I called my wife, who doesn’t learn gemarah and solved the problem.

    #770113

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    “If it was about apples, you wouldn’t be posting it.”

    See the joke about strawberries above.

    #770114

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Finally, I called my wife, who doesn’t learn gemarah and solved the problem.

    Should’ve just looked up the gemara of ????? ????? ??? ????? ???? ???? chullin 86a

    #770115

    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    I was once in a store in Israel with a friend, who doesn’t speak

    Ivrit, only gemarit, He wanted to know what time they were closing

    So he asks the owner AD MOSAI? The guy is like MAH?

    I started laughing.

    (The owner probably though he was asking for Moshiach)

    So he repeats “AD MOSAI ATOH POSEACH?” It took the guy a few seconds, then and he smiled and answered “Seven O’clock!”

    #770116

    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    Back in my kibbutz days, one day a new American volunteer arrived from the airport at the Egged bus stop at the entrance to the kibbutz.

    He learned what little Hebrew he knew from a dictionary he had studied from on his flight to Israel.

    As he was clumsily shlepping his bags off the bus, he yelled to the driver “Lo la’lechet – yaish lee ohd shnai matosim al ha’autobus!” i.e. Don’t go, I have 2 more planes (instead of mizvadot – suitcases) on the bus!

    The driver just smiled and rolled his eyes.

    #770117

    AinOhdMilvado
    Participant

    Here’s a reverse of the stories above…

    An Israeli arrived in America with very little English ability, and a Hebrew-English dictionary.

    Being hungry, he went in for breakfast to a dairy restaurant. He wanted a hard boiled egg and toast. After looking in his dictionary for the English for “kasheh”, he asked the waiter for “a difficult egg”!

    #770118

    my Israeli cousins writing to their grandparents in England, using a dictionary:

    To Grandmother and Grandfather the expensive

    #770119

    ha ha ha ha
    Member

    a bachur wanted to buy milk and the word “chalav” slipped his mind so he asks the person for “mitz parah” (cow juice)

    same person forgot the “oif” is chicken so he asked for a ‘tarnigol”

    #770120

    cucumber
    Member

    There’s the story about the woman who wanted a hotdog. So she goes up to the hotdog vendor and asks him for a kelev cham

    #770121

    Here’s one that happened to 2 friends of mine in seminary. It was the last day of Pesach when Israelis were already back to their chometz. These girls were staying at an Israeli family, so they were the only ones who still had yom tov. The family had to go out, so the girls were left to eat their seuda alone. They opened the fridge and discovered that the light had been turned on so they couldn’t close the door. They decided to knock on a neighbor’s door and ask for help. When the neighbor opened the door, they said, “Pasachnu es hamekarer v’or ba, v’anu ma’america.” Took a while for the neighbor to figure out what they wanted.

    #770122

    ilovetheholyland
    Participant

    cshapiro, my teacher in sem told us that one….

    heres another….

    one of my friends was talking to an israeli about her family and she was talking about her “ach badin…” -aka, brother in law! 🙂

    #770123

    yossi z.
    Member

    Wellmeaning: are you from boston? The stories about the pre rofeh days … Boy are those the best (my father has loads of them). This is not to say that there aren’t plenty of stories coming out now. You see whenever I am in boston I am the official rofeh driver (yes I speak hebrew (at least enough to schmooze with the israelis whilst driving)

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #770124

    cshapiro
    Member

    @ilovetheholyland well then it MUST be true then!!

    once we went on a tiyul in seminary…long story but the bus driver kept looking in his mirror at us so i said “Nahag, anayim al hakvish” and all the israeli girls were laughing at me because it meant literally eyes on the road.

    speaking of israel, dont u hate it when the cabs honk at u? when they stop i always ask cheenam? or kama zeh l’america…

    #770125

    m in Israel
    Member

    I think this one is in The Bamboo Cradle – a girl needed to buy some sewing needles (machatim), so she went into a “kol bo” and asked for “mechutanim” (in-laws). The man behind the counter said “Do I look like a shadchan?! I don’t sell mechutanim!” She still didn’t get it, and said “but I saw some in your window. . .”

    And of course the classic: “ani lo tachas omed”

    #770126

    gefen
    Participant

    Here’s a story that doesn’t exactly fit the title (in fact I was going to start a new thread but decided to post it here anyway).

    This happened a number of years ago. Apparently there were 2 high school girls on a city bus in NY , when suddenly quite a “large” woman got on the crowded bus and stood near the girls. It was quite uncomfortable and cramped. One said to the other “he shemayna k’mo parah”. The ride continued. A few stops later, the woman was ready to get off, when she turned around to the girls and said “mooo”! I can only imagine how shocked and embarrassed those girls were!

    LESSONS TO BE LEARNED: 1) never assume someone doesn’t understand the language you are speaking 2) DON’T EVER MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE!

    #770127

    >And of course the classic: “ani lo tachas omed”

    That took me a LONG time to work out

    #770128

    BSD
    Member

    Gefen-“she turned around to the girls and said “mooo”

    mooo is Japanese. It means what fine young ladies!:)

    All seriousness aside, people should be more considerate. I hope they said slichah.

    #770129

    BSD
    Member

    Choc-“>And of course the classic: “ani lo tachas omed”

    That took me a LONG time to work out”

    It took me a while too, but now I tachas omed.

    #770130

    ha ha ha ha
    Member

    someone needed a bag so she asked a vendor for a sakin(knife) instead of a sakit(bag) 🙂

    #770131

    rosesharon
    Member

    I went to a very sphardi school in Brooklyn for elementary school. Of course when I left after eighth grade I was an ashkanazi sounding like a displaced Israeli. When I went to an ashkanazi high school it took me two weeks to adjust to the way Hebrew was spoken because all of my life I had never heard a “suh” and kamatz aleph to me was “ah” not “oh.” Now when I read Hebrew out loud I still get confused. At lest I know if I ever get to Israel I will be understood.

    #770132

    me too
    Member

    @yossi z. I am not a Bostonian. This story circulates in Skver about R Shia Friedman ????? ???? the Skverer Rebbe’s ????

    #770133

    gefen
    Participant

    BSD: “moo moo” would be japanese 🙂

    #770134

    BSD
    Member

    A relative of mine was convinced that Israelis call “techina” “tahini”(maybe the labels in America read that way?). When she asked the guy at the falafal stand to put tahini in her falafal(the only 2 words in her hebrew vocabulary) they were howling with laughter(tactless Israeli’s- let’s hear them speak Enlish)

    #770135

    tactless Israeli’s- let’s hear them speak Enlish

    so whats the big deal i cant speak Enlish either.

    what is that anyway? some elfish dialect from the hobbit or something?

    #770136

    yeshivaguy1
    Member

    A good joke I just heard

    On the signs that say tizaher Mokshim (danger mines) that are all over Israel, in arabic it says bruchim habaim

    #770137

    TweetTweet
    Participant

    A yeshivishe guy wanted to know the price of an item in a store, so he asks the person behind the counter “camah mamon”. The guy answers back “esrim zuzim”.

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 85 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.