Suggesting Shidduch for………yourself?!

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  • #596563

    SO…. Is there anything wrong with suggesting someone who you think may be your shidduch? Of course we are talking that you met in an appropriate manner. A friend of mine just got engaged and when I asked him who the Shadchen was, he said “I know this girl from work and after awhile i thought it would be good for me” He mentioned to his Mother who made it happen! I just think this is a little weird. whats the CRs take????

    #913768

    dunno
    Member

    I don’t think it’s weird at all! Good for him!

    #913769

    yid.period
    Member

    I think Yaakov Avinu and Moshe Rabeinu met their wives themselves, at the Be’er.

    #913770

    it is not so wierd but many times when this happens they get someone outsiode to redt the shidduch, they dont do it themselves

    #913771

    GumBall
    Member

    I personally dont think a person shud be working with a boy thats lookingt 4 a shidduch…..my opinoin..

    #913772

    Gumball, can u elaborate? I dont see why not.

    #913773

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I personally dont think a person shud be working with a boy thats lookingt 4 a shidduch…..my opinion..

    A person? Do you mean a girl person?

    That made fun of, I happen to disagree. When you enter the workforce, you will be working with the opposite sex, almost no matter what you do.

    It is not the best situation, but you just need to deal with it.

    #913774

    You never know where your shidduch will come from.

    #913775

    thanks popa!

    theres a whole other thread to be written about single guys in the workforce but facts are facts and its normally the guys that are working that are more level-headed and used to being in constant communication with women. if the question would come up if a yeshiva boy should suggest a shidduch for himself, i think the answer would be a definite NO!!! someone who has day-to-day dealings with the opposite gender just has more maturity about it. END OF STORY!

    #913776

    pet peeve
    Member

    usually, if a yeshivish boy and girl “make their own shidduch”, it raises eyebrows, because people are skeptical that two frum adults who are of marriageable age could keep the non-shidduch-relationship appropriate.

    there are going to be tons of differing opinions on this thread of what is considered appropriate, but in my view, I don’t see anything wrong with two people meeting and setting themselves up, or asking an outside party, in this case the boys mother, to do something about it to have them go out officially on a shidduch date. you can argue forevermore if its appropriate for frum singles to be working in mixed gender workplaces–that isn’t the point here.

    if the couple are behaving in a mature, responsible, and appropriate fashion, I don’t see why it should be a problem. I’m sure there are plenty of excellent and yashar people on these boards, who belong to the yeshiva world, who have met their spouses without being formally introduced by a shadchan…….

    #913777

    Shrek
    Member

    if a boy is old enough/mature enough to get MARRIED, why can’t he decide who he wants to DATE?

    #913778

    brotherofurs
    Participant

    i think if a boy sees or hears about a girl that might seem like the right match he should tell a shadchan and she’ll help them

    #913779

    shlishi
    Member

    Working with opposite genders is most definitely an unfortunate thing. Sometimes it might be a necessary evil, but let us not lose sight over the fact it is a danger that ought to be avoided whenever possible even if there is some financial cost.

    #913780

    shlishi, i beg to differ. if a boy can keep himself in line while working with women it may be the best thing for him. i see time and time again, i will be by a restaurant and ill see a date going on. most yeshiva bochurim show up on a date and just stutter and stammer their way through making for a lot of uncomfortable moments. at least if the guy is working and not in yeshiva anymore let him learn at least how to communicate with the opposite gender.

    #913781

    Why dont we make a shiduch in the coffee room!?

    #913782

    Clairvoyant
    Member

    most yeshiva bochurim show up on a date and just stutter and stammer their way through making for a lot of uncomfortable moments.

    Even if that is true, there is nothing wrong with that. These bochorim get married and get along just fine with their spouse, certainly no less (and actually better) than people who hang around girls before marriage.

    #913783

    Clairvoyant just because someone works with girls does not mean he is hanging out with them. on the contrary that is inappropriate. however there is NOTHING wrong with learning how to be comfortable talking to the opposite gender if its in line with business or work.

    #913784

    morah reyna
    Member

    I tried that twice, it didn’t work. One time I asked someone to set me up with someone else. He didn’t want. Twicw someone called to suggest themselves to me!

    #913785

    hanib
    Participant

    i don’t see a tznius problem with that (if go through 3rd party), but just need to be careful, that truly think it’s a good idea, cuz can get plenty awkward if it doesn’t work out.

    #913786

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Clairvoyant just because someone works with girls does not mean he is hanging out with them. on the contrary that is inappropriate. however there is NOTHING wrong with learning how to be comfortable talking to the opposite gender if its in line with business or work.

    Indeed.

    The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of jobs that are out there are in mixed-gender environments. That’s just the nature of the job market today. I can’t think of any occupation that one works in where there is no reasonable chance of meeting someone of the opposite gender — either as a co-worker or customer.

    I work in an office that is about 50% female. I don’t “hang around” with the women in the office. I don’t socialize with them either. We simply do our jobs and that’s it.

    The Wolf

    #913788

    shlishi
    Member

    As I mentioned, it is indeed unfortunately true that most jobs are in a mixed gender environment. But a) let us not lose sight over the fact that this is unfortunate — we need to deal with it, but at least recognize it is the opposite of what is ideal and b) try to mitigate it as much as possible, at least endeavoring to the extent possible — even if at some financial cost — to avoid or at least minimize a mixed gender work environment.

    #913789

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    most yeshiva bochurim show up on a date and just stutter and stammer their way through making for a lot of uncomfortable moments.

    You’re dating the wrong yeshiva guys.

    #913790

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    A friend of mine just got engaged and when I asked him who the Shadchen was, he said “I know this girl from work and after awhile i thought it would be good for me”

    By any chance, were the chosson and kallah referred to in this thread?

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/single-guy-and-single-girl-talkin-about-shidduchim

    #913791

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    most yeshiva bochurim show up on a date and just stutter and stammer their way through making for a lot of uncomfortable moments.

    I can’t argue the point; I haven’t seen most yeshiva bochurim on a date. I’m curious, though, how you managed to.

    #913792

    sh9888
    Member

    REMEMBER – these are all only opinions, noone can make a sure statement unless you are a recognised POSEK 🙂

    #913793

    bpt
    Participant

    I cannot imagine who would have a problem with this. Who more than yourself knows what you want in a shidduch (assuming you know what you want).

    True, for certain communities / labels, it can be a bit problematic to just approach the person directly, but to ask a family member or neighbor to approach someone on your behalf, I see nothing wrong with that.

    In fact, that’s how I met my wife.

    #913794

    twisted
    Participant

    in a rant two months back, Well meaning Busybody called me a Posek, among other titles. Does that mean I am recognized? If so, well, I still have no comment on this thread.

    #913795

    boredinoffice
    Participant

    WHats wrong with suggesting it? If they can date, they can get married. Why would it be different then someone else suggesting it. Does the work handpicked come to mind?

    It would be worse if it didn’t work out. How can you see someone daily that you dated especially if it was remotely serious??

    #913796

    yeshivabochur123
    Participant

    I think its ridiculous to suggest a shidduch for yourself. Why don’t you go to a shadchan or have your mother go to a shadchan and approach them with the idea and ask them to suggest it? That would make more sense.

    #913797

    yogibooboo
    Member

    why not go and do your own research for a change? why does it always have to be the parents who say they know exactly every little thing their child wants and then its the parents who become picky?! I’m happy to hear that people are starting to look for themselves for their own shidduchim and you know what…talking to shadchanim directly is much better than going thru many other people. I always spoke to shadchanim myself and it was so much better. but then when the shadchanim werent making suggestions i decided to take matters into my own hands and look for myself. and B”H I am happily married and grateful for doing it all on my own!

    #913798

    yeshivabochur123
    Participant

    In general parents do know whats good for their children. Sometimes children are pickier than their parents. As my parents told me children know what they want but parents know what they need and for most people in our community I would say this holds true. If we let our parents choose our shidduch I don’t think there would be a shidduch crisis, there isn’t one by chassidim.

    #913799

    By any chance, were the chosson and kallah referred to in this thread?

    single guy and single girl talkin about shidduchim

    NO.

    #913800

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    there isn’t one by chassidim.

    I think there is. I think they have too many boys.

    Besides, they have very closed communities. We don’t really know what is going on in their marriages. We have discussed this before.

    #913801

    shlishi
    Member

    I think there is. I think they have too many boys.

    Not really popa. There is a slight number of more boys, but it isn’t anywhere near the degree of the number of more girls in the Litvish world.

    We don’t really know what is going on in their marriages.

    Which marriages do you know what is going on in??

    #913802

    yeshivabochur123
    Participant

    you missed the point its not numbers its that girls and boys are both too picky if parents said this is who you are going to marry and thats it instead of people setting up shidduchim themselves or whatever it would make everything better.

    #913803

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    yeshivabochur123:

    Perhaps you would be happy with your parents told you who to marry.

    I wasn’t even ok with my parents telling me who to date.

    I think most young people today are looking for different things than their parents are, (as you point out), and my feeling is that the people themselves are more likely to be correct than the parents.

    This ain’t europe. I was living in the dorm for over 10 years before I started to think about dating. My parents knew what I needed about as well as Obama knows what the country needs.

    Our communities, especially the litvaks, are not at all homogenous. You cannot assume that any guy and any girl will have remotely similar hashkafos. You cannot assume that parents and children will have similar hashkafos.

    This discussion is moot anyway, since there is no chance in the world we will ever move to such a system.

    #913804

    rosesharon
    Member

    Even though I met my husband in college without a physical shaddchan, I know a better one that set me up 😀 Thank You Hashem!!

    #913805

    Sender Av
    Member

    I hang out at the well all the time and dont seem to meet any good girls. whats the phshat?

    #913806

    s2021
    Member

    define “good”

    #913807

    any more opinions guys??

    #913808

    ZachKessin
    Member

    My step daughter is getting married in about 2 months, she found the guy herself. He’s her best friend’s older brother.

    #913809

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    My ultra-yeshivish neighbor met her husband while she was in seminary in Israel.

    I don’t remember the whole backstory (it was kosher), but they are happily married for 15+ years. She came home for Pesach and told her parents she was ready to get married to this guy.

    #913810

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Another member of the “matched by God” club here. I met my wife when we were both counselors in a day camp. We’re celebrating our twentieth wedding anniversary next month.

    The Wolf

    #913811

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    My step daughter is getting married in about 2 months

    Zach, you’re making me feel REAL OLD right now. 🙂

    The Wolf

    #913813

    s2021
    Member

    I hope I get to meet Mr. Right on my own. (Or he meets me..)

    I know alot of very frum ppl who “suggested” ther own shidduch. I think its adorable, certainly not strange.

    #913814

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Another member of the “matched by God” club here.

    I wish to disagree with the implication that a match facilitated by a shadchan is not “matched by God”. I’m sure you didn’t mean that, I’m referring to the choice of words.

    #913815

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    I wish to disagree with the implication that a match facilitated by a shadchan is not “matched by God”. I’m sure you didn’t mean that, I’m referring to the choice of words.

    Fair enough. Perhaps “matched by God alone” would have been better.

    Poor choice of words on my part. I certainly did not mean that God is absent in “man-made” shidduchim. My apologies if I gave a contrary impression.

    The Wolf

    #913816

    s2021

    are you sure thats what you want. so you wont listen if a shadchan calls?

    #913817

    “matched by God”?

    #913818

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    “matched by God”?

    HKBH was our Shadchan.

    The Wolf

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