A month ago I wrote a letter to Yeshiva World trying to give some context and support to the new Shidduch initiative.
I wrote it as a complete outsider to any and all efforts to help with the Shidduch crisis, with my only connection being a witness to the suffering it causes to so many. I wrote the letter simply frustrated with the criticism of people who, before even hearing what the plan is, rush to criticize an effort that Rabbonim have collectively given thousands of hours to formulate and develop to help with such a real and painful problem.
Through Hashgacha Pratis I was connected with a Rav involved in the initiative, and I learned that beyond the earlier OU study, Rabbonim recently directed a more comprehensive project tracking thousands of 8th grade graduates from numerous Yeshivas and Bais Yaakovs over the past twenty years.
This data collection—categorized by age, year, school, and community—provides conclusive evidence that intervention is necessary. While the Rabbonim have guided against public release of the statistics for now to prevent unhelpful anxiety and hurt, they’re preparing the data to share privately with interested parties (you can request to receive the data when it’s anonymized for the public by emailing [email protected]).
That said, having had a window into the incredible effort by Gedolei Torah, Roshei Yeshiva, and Rabbonim to do for Klal Yisrael and Bnos Yisrael in this extremely busy time of the year—giving away hours upon hours to work on various plans that will unfold in the coming months to introduce and launch the initiative to the community—I feel compelled to do my part as a random member of the tzibur, not a Rav, askan or anything – just a Yid that cares.
The reality is that this issue affects people differently. For some, it’s merely an academic discussion—an actuarial debate that can be researched gradually over decades.
But for many of us—perhaps the silent majority – who have lived through this parsha ourselves, as singles, as parents, or as witnesses to family and friends struggles—we know this is not merely a theoretical discussion. It’s a painful reality causing real, raw and ongoing human suffering that often goes unrecognized.
Because not everyone understands the depth of this pain, they may not grasp the urgency of this initiative. Therefore, we all need to speak up why coming together as a Tzibur is so crucial now.
So I turn to you, the reader, and ask:
If you go to sleep with a lump in your throat seeing your daughter come back from yet another younger friend’s chasuna, while she has been waiting for years and hasn’t dated in 10 months – please speak up and tell your Rav about the pain. Tell him you’re ready to do things differently.
If you bite your lip seeing your daughter davening so intensely for her shidduch for so many years, and wish you could somehow help – please speak up and tell your son’s Rosh Yeshiva about the pain. Tell him you’re ready to do things differently.
If your heart aches for the thousands of singles dreading spending a three-day Yom Tov either alone or surrounded by their younger married siblings and their children – please speak up and tell your daughter’s seminary principal about the pain. Tell her you’re ready to do things differently.
If you silently cry for your neighbor’s daughter who came back from seminary so innocently happy and hopeful, and now, years later is becoming increasingly bitter and withdrawn – please speak up and tell your daughter’s 12th grade Mechaneches about the pain. Tell her you’re ready to do things differently.
If you wince knowing that tenth graders are going through high school with anxieties about whether they will be able to find a shidduch and get married – please speak up and tell your friends. Tell them you’re ready to do things differently.
If you hurt for your coworker who grew up in a difficult family situation and so badly wants to start a new life and build her own family but struggles to get a date because of our imbalanced shidduch system – please speak up and tell your family about the pain. Tell them you’re ready to do things differently.
If you have spent many suppers telling your husband how you wish you could somehow find a shidduch for your classmates who don’t have a husband to eat supper with – please ask your husband to speak up and tell his friends about the pain. Tell them you’re ready to do things differently.
If you weep for your former student — who, after years without suggestions, has cycled through segulos, brachos from tzadikim, and havtachos from mekubalim, only to grow increasingly disillusioned with everything she was raised to believe — please speak up. Tell your students about the pain. Tell them you’re ready to do things differently.
If your heart hurts when your former seminary roommate – still single – comes to tell you Mazel Tov at your third child’s bris – please speak up. Tell those around you about the pain. Tell them you’re ready to do things differently.
If you come to your in-laws for Pesach and feel for your sister-in-law who returned from seminary two years ago without a single date, with phones deafeningly silent – please speak up. Tell your chavrusa about the pain. Tell him you’re ready to do things differently.
If the Bonei Olam ads pull at your heart and inspire you to donate to that wonderful organization, think about your unmarried cousin’s dreams of holding her own baby and – please speak up. Tell your neighbors about the pain. Tell them you’re ready to do things differently.
If you silently weep seeing your niece—a wonderful Bais Yaakov girl—struggle for years to find a shidduch while heroically holding onto Yiddishkeit despite her sense of betrayal by a system making it so hard for her -please speak up. Tell your friend from your table in shul about the pain. Tell him you’re ready to do things differently.
If you ache for your granddaughter, overhearing her told not to be “so picky”, knowing that it’s been years since she’s gotten a single “yes” to be picky about — please speak up. Share the pain with your grandson. Tell him you are ready to doing things differently.
If you hurt watching your sister and brother-in-law deal with a home cracking from the tension of a younger sister getting engaged before her older sister, please speak up and tell your friend from the gym about the pain. Tell him you’re ready to do things differently.
Yes, speaking up takes courage and vulnerability. But staying silent — and letting the status quo continue — will be even harder in the long run. If you can’t make a phone call, then at least write a letter or send an email. If you aren’t willing to sign your name, then send it anonymously.
We need to understand that we can’t expect singles themselves (and sometimes nor their parents) to be open about the pain; it is too raw, and they are in such a vulnerable place already and subject to so much indignity as is.
Kol Yisroel Areivim zeh lazeh—we have a responsibility of “Psach Picha L’ileim” (Mishlei 31:8). If we don’t speak up, who will?
And even if you have some critique of the plan, some objections, and some misgivings, I ask you to weigh and be Mechashev Sechar Mitzvah Kneged Hefseida. What if you are right, and this initiative isn’t the solution we hoped for? What is the worst case scenario? Boys will get married a few months younger and girls a few months older, and we can then use this valuable experience to further guide Klal Yisrael’s hishtadlus, and our Ahavas Yisrael, Nesius B’ol and Achdus will have generated extraordinary zechusim for Klal Yisrael.
But what if the Rabbonim are right and you were wrong? Then what is the worst-case scenario? That chas v’shalom we don’t come together to make this happen, and because of that, thousands of girls and their families continue to go through incredible pain, that the river of silent tears this issue has caused continues to flow, unheard, unheeded, and unchecked, that we have to face the Ribono Shel Olam after 120 with the guilt of having caused such suffering and anguish. So I urge you, even if you have some criticism, some misgivings, some skepticism, and some doubt, please join Gedolei Yisroel and Klal Yisroel in making this initiative happen.
Because yes, maybe this initiative is new and unprecedented, but what’s more unprecedented is the degree of suffering this issue is causing. And it would be even more unprecedented for us—a nation that is so committed to helping each other in every way possible—to turn a blind eye to the real human element of this issue and just continue to debate and ideate about it instead of doing something about it.
We come together to raise and distribute tens of millions of dollars before Pesach so that everyone has with what to make Pesach. Surely, we can come together to do our part, so that Bnos Yisrael are able to have with whom to make Pesach!
We come together to create and support incredible organizations to help couples struggling with infertility have children; surely we can come together and speak up to help Bnos Yisrael get married and have children!
We come together quickly and quietly raise incredible amounts of money for women who have lost their husbands. Surely we can come together and speak up so Bnos Yisrael can find their husbands!
We raise enormous sums of money to ensure that every girl has what to walk down to the chuppah with. Surely, we can come together to ensure that every girl has with whom to walk down the chuppah with!
The next few months will likely have a lot of back and forth between the tzibur and the Rabbonim. Questions will be asked and answered, perspectives will be shared and heard, and slowly Klal Yisroel will begin to adjust to the mindset shift that adopting the initiative will require.
But now, in its beginning stages, we have an opportunity to be part of the “Asarah Rishonim she’ba’in le’Beis HaKnesses notlin sechar k’neged kol ha’ba’in achareihem” (Brachos 47b), and acquire the infinite and eternal zechus of the thousands of shidduchim that this initiative will b’ezras Hashem create, along with the zechusim from the generations that will b’ezras Hashem come about as a result of these shidduchim.
We need to come together and say “הנני” — we are ready, willing, and able.
We are ready to listen to the guidelines of the Initiative:
If we are boys, we will go to Eretz Yisroel earlier and start shidduchim earlier.
If we are boys or boys’ mothers, we will not look into any names of girls before Shavuos of their first year post-seminary.
Whether we are professional shadchanim or just family and friends, we will refrain from suggesting or facilitating shidduchim for any girl before Shavuos, and instead focus on girls who are past that milestone.
And finally, if we are girls or mothers of girls who are just returning from seminary—the demographic for whom we are moving worlds—we, too, will cooperate by not beginning shidduchim before Shavuos.
We have an opportunity to come together and make this painful problem a thing of the past.
In closing, I ask of you: the Gedolim, Rabbonim, and Roshei Yeshiva are working so tirelessly on this. We need to join them and start speaking up. If the Ribono Shel Olam looks down and sees us joining Gedolei Yisroel for Bnos Yisroel, He too will surely join us and send us the yeshuos we need in this area for everyone—young and old, boys and girls—in the ways that only He can.
Sincerely,
Akiva Kleinberg
P.S. If you have any questions about this topic or would like additional information, please feel free to reach out at [email protected]
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
Join the official YWN WhatsApp status
34 Responses
The writer writes when data is anonomized for the public it will be available. I wonder why he writes an article that is not complete. It’s not anonomized yet. Why not? Why not publish it anonomized already? Why is it always plans to come? Meetings to come? Conferences to develop. What takes 20 years to roll out and end all these plans to come and meetings to come. .. please enough already
“emailing info@adeiad”
This is not a complete email address
This is incredible that finally something is being done but I am already seeing apparently people not cooperating. For example girls getting engaged before the times discussed and no one seems to give them a piece of their mind. Its very frustrating to see people working so hard to get a resolution after all these years and others flagrantly ignoring it to everyone else’s disappointment: people please don’t put yourself in the class of someone going against the tzibur.
In the Pesach editions of the many Jewish publications there was an insert about a new initiative addressing the shiduch crises. The proposal is to eliminate “one year” so boys come home one year earlier. At first I thought the boys will stay in Eretz Yisroel one less year. Then I realized no the Mesivtas are being asked to have a three year program. With all do respect aren’t we potentially creating a new problem. After 3 years in Mesivta a bochur is is 16-17 Is every boy that age ready to go to EY. So you’ll have a new problem. What to do with those boys who aren’t ready to go. And those that go to EY only to find they’re not ready. Sending them home in middle of a zeman. Will give them a bad taste and a red mark on their resume.
Simple question: why should the same people who created this mess be trusted to get us out of it? The geniuses who stripped males of their most valuable asset (to earn a living to provide for their families) are not stripping females of their most valuable asset. They’ve done enough damage.
All this age gap theory talk and social engineering sounds very much like climate change. Technically the data is and yes it’s pretty accurate data. But there are so many factors the relate to the issue so that it doesn’t just boil down to the numbers. Then the idea that you could use data to force people to change behavior is also just not feasible. It’s a good idea but it’s just not practical.
Don’t forget in Europe boys were older too and typically the poor orphan girl was left alone . This is a 500 year crisis
It won’t work. Learn from the chassidim. They marry young. If boys want to learn they can marry first. The Satmar rebbe Reb Yoel only allowed the limited good learners to be in kollel and all others worked and learnt in the morning and at night. No parents will tell his daughter to wait another year after seminary. That’s insane. You want girls to wait till twenty years old. That’s murder. In today’s internet world many girls may go off the derech because you want them to be nuns. It’s evil. I bet if any of these rabbonim had a daughter or granddaughter who found a good boy to marry at age 18 or 19 they would not tell her don’t marry. The poor girl would lose the Shidduch. This is upside down thinking. You want these girls returning from seminary to not date so that older girls can catch up in getting married.Most boys who are in the early twenties seek a younger girl. Let’s not be blind. In fact I just canceled my daughter from going to seminary as I want her to marry young and not be an old single. Yes there are many boys in their high twenties and thirties who are single. I see them in shuls. Nobody pushes them into marriage so they get comfortable staying single. I myself know at least fifty guys like that. Some are very wealthy and I am surprised that they hardly date. The problem is older singles get too smart and very picky
Yasher koach.
let all the rabannim who are for this take the lead with their own family
then the rest will follow
get rid of the ridiculous freezer
all the rabbanim are against it they are too scared of ???????
@uncle ben The email address isn’t complete, it is [email protected]
@yochy I agree it is really disturbing what you are mentioning. I would say that someone can argue that the new guidelines didn’t go into affect yet, but still it’s completely tasteless to be Poreish Min Hatzibur like this.
@Pine5900 The Rabbanim and people working on it all have full side jobs, this is something they are doing on the side, so it obviously will take time for everything to come together.
@Ah yid you misunderstood the plan it is referring to the litvish system they go to mesivta then to Beis Medrash then To EY then they come back to america (usually to BMG) to start shidduchim. They are cutting a year from the BM years so the bochurim will go to EY at 20- 21 not at 22 -23. This is not about the chasidish system.
@Besalel, who has the ability to get this done beside Rabbonim? What do you think? Also, on the contrary, maybe now they are ushering in a new era of being more practical (like coming together to deal with the shidduch crisis), and that will also bring new solutions to the problem you mentioned?
@Chaimel87,
You may be right theoretically, but practically it doesn’t work that way We cant stay silent to human suffering because 500 years ago there may have been this problem, it was a different world, everyone married in their shtetl, so the problem may have manifested very differently.
This has nothing to do with climate change here every person in the parsha sees the problem, climate change is completely abstract – if true.
This problem occurred in India See this link for a study about the age gap problem in India https://economics.brown.edu/sites/default/files/papers/2011-12_paper.pdf
@Yossies all the Rabbonim will lead but we have to follow.
With regards to the freezer, that is BMG’s choice and they don’t seem to be willing to abolish it, there is nothing Rabbonim can do about this, if they come out against BMG then BMG will not cooperate at all and the whole initiative will fall apart and the girls will suffer for another twenty years. So the Rabbonim are focusing on what can be done, and we should join them.
At is core, we are solving a mathematical problem. The only solution is for those marrying be of roughly the same age, however that is accomplished. The rabbis proposed one method; there are others. Note that in Chassidic communities the couple is of similar age, and the problem is almost non-existent.
There is no “shidduch crisis” — there’s a community structure problem.
Marriage is a vulnerable, natural stage of life, not a process to control. If dating struggles exist, be proactive: look at Jewish communities that encourage healthy, organic interactions and have better success rates. Stop hyper-separating boys and girls and start creating environments where real connections can form.
Struggle is part of life, not a crisis — just ask Avraham Avinu.
This article feels out of touch; if the system is broken, fix the system, not the people.
Yossies
Correct.
Every Baal daarshan,darshaned far zich. It’s a yiddish expression. Everyone lecturing others is doing what’s best for them. It’s a very real rule to figure people’s motivations out. You want to really get rid of Shidduch crisis. Let the boys marry young and if qualified like the old Satmar rebbe did let the serious learners be in kollel. The rest work and learn in the morning and at night. Not everyone is a serious learner. Same with girls being forced to thirty thousand dollars a year seminaries that don’t even provide shabbos meals. Highway robbery. You can marry young and continue learning. Many who opened seminaries for girls in israel especially realize there is money to be made. A girl going to seminary comes back looking for a top learner. There starts the Shidduch Crisis. There are only a limited amount of top learners. The poor girl goes to study and attain a career and works her head off waiting for a date. Unless she has aggressive parents and connections she may get lucky for a frequent date. I also see many of the girls who were once idealistic get modernized as they remain single and begin to all hang out together going all over the place exposed to the secular world. At that point they give up on the learning boy and want a worker learner. By the time they hit thirty years old they just want a successful wealthy boy which is also not that many. I see groups of single girls in high end restaurants as well as all fancy hotels. They have that disappointing look on life. On the other hand the single older boys don’t seem to go these high end restaurants and at most will grab a nosh from a cheap takeout place. I do see groups of married chassidim go out together at fancy restaurants as I see groups of married women going together. They don’t seem disappointed at life. It’s very sad seeing tables of single girls tagging along with their friends just killing time. My recommendation is to continue to work out everyday,avoid eating after nine pm and if you have to stick to fruits and no bread or cakes. It’s not that you have to be a skinny skeleton. That too is not attractive. You need to have a smile. Practice smiling and especially brush your teeth and get a teeth whitening from your dentist. If you have a brother or brother in law ask them to look out for boys in their circles. Older girls should go to small singles events that are run by responsible people. You must try other methods as shadchonim are burnt out with dealing with picky older singles and prefer younger singles who marry fast. They too need money to survive. Some mothers of girls volunteer to organizations that do Shidduchim so they can have a first crack at boys registered on the list. Also today there are so many levels of types among people. There are modern chassidim and modern yeshivash. There are very chassidish and very yeshivash. And all in between. Be yourself and don’t ng very rich will make life dandy. But younger ones don’t delay till your ready. You will never be ready. Parents and relatives and rabbonim should push singles into marriage. Don’t delay.
Tp. 20 years this has been kicked around. Please don’t have us believe it’s not complete cause the ppl don’t have time to complete it .
Gimme a break.
What about girls in their thirties and forties. How will this all help them. By delaying the girls to date to age twenty. Don’t forget there is a whole generation of 18 and 19 year olds blooming. Keeping all the girls single till twenty is not going to solve anything. Girls who wait long and get disappointed enough being to develop a streak of distrust and anger. That bad acquired attitude shows up in her face when she does get a date. That can ruin her chances of making a favorable impression on a boy she’s dating. It’s a dangerous road to go down. There is enough disappointments by many heimisha unzerer crowd on the leadership. We don’t need to add more. If at 18 dates could be difficult imagine getting dates in their twenties. It’s like you have fresh bread in the bakery but you say since we have so much fresh bread let’s put it all away for tomorrow or next week. Will customer’s come back to buy bread or go to a different bakery.
@YOSSIES
Exactly correct.
This has no chance of actually working unless the “community leadership” actually “leads”.
I don’t often agree with Rabbi Gershon Ribner, but I heard him say – over a year ago – about this suggestion [paraphrasing], “Who would listen to this? How could a girl or her parents forgo a date because we think it will solve the shidduch crisis?”
Of course, most of the Rabbanim are already past the stage of marrying off daughters…
@catch yourself
the rabbanim can enforce it in their own families but it wont happen the same way as the chasuna takanos
this is a monster created by the rabbanim and seminary heads
and putting the onus on the average person is wrong
you need to attack the cause
and bullying people to accept whatever the rabbanim decided is not the way of deracaha darkei noam
I believe the frum community needs collective psychotherapy. How in G-D’s name did it ever come to be the norm for middle class parents to have to spend 30 grand to send a daughter to seminary in Israel after high school?? The financial strain this causes is enormous. The rabbonim should have abolished this years ago.
everyone ignores the biggest part of the problem which is boys go off at a much stronger rate than girls. even if not totally off certainly their frumkite devolves faster when single and that creates a huge part of the problem probably bigger than the age gap obbsession.
And regarding a previous comment, how pathetic and ridiculous is it that we are living in fear of what bmg will or will not do and having to work around lakewood instead of with it. doesnt this reflect part of the problem?
A kofer believes in numbers. Everything is mikra. Just solve the numbers and everything is perfect smooth sailing afterwards. No need for the Aibishter r”l. No need for the intensive interrogation style questioning of the other side before they even go out on date 1. Great. Keep looking for mr/mrs perfect and then kvetch and complain about the “system” and blame it for not being fair.
A maimon, on the other hand, believes in Hashgacha pratis. He believes in the Aibishter. He doesn’t fret over “numbers”. He looks and davens to HKB”H. He believes the bas kol that says Bas ploni liploni etc… He/she doesn’t feel the need/pressure to only marry into a wealthy family. No need to marry only the next Sarah Emainu. No need to marry the next Yaakov Avienu, the bechir shel avos.
Normal people from normal families who are not picky are getting married every day. Every wedding hall in Lakewood and Brooklyn are booked solid for kimat half a year in advance, if you want the prime dates and days. B”H we had that experience recently. The 2 new Schron halls in Lakewood will be booked solid as well, I’m sure.
Being an אוהב ישראל there is so ABSOLUTELY NO WAY, I could ever rally behind any Rabbi being so uncanny to talk anyone out of voting in this incredibly important WZO Election
Shidduch Crisis Idea:
REDUCE THE NUMBER OF OVERWEIGHT GIRLS!
In the very early 2000s, I spoke to 50 shadchanim,
by telephone, and I asked all of them:
“What are the biggest problems that harm shidduchim?”
The top two answers were: “short boys” and “fat girls”.
Short men cannot become taller, so I will not discuss them.
But fat girls can become thinner,
so we must do something about that.
Fat girls remain a constant problem, that cannot
be solved by giving financial incentives to shadchanim,
nor can this problem be solved by changing
the ages at which singles start shidduchim.
Instead of spending 1 or 2 years in Seminary,
which is a huge waste of money and total waste of time,
single girls should spend 1 or 2 years in a female-only gym.
The weight and size they lose will do more
to help them get married than ANY Seminary.
On 2025 March 4th, I saw a teenage Chareidi girl
who was 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide.
In a few years, she will be attempting shidduchim.
Why should any 15-year-old Frum girl be 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide?
Why? Why?? WHY???
Fat girls are one of the biggest problems in shidduchim,
(no pun intended).
In the 1990s, I knew a fat Orthodox girl, who was
having a very hard time with dating.
I tried to help her, by advising her that she could
increase her marriage chances by becoming thinner.
When I saw her a year later, her overall size had DOUBLED.
Why should a fat Orthodox girl DOUBLE IN SIZE?
Why? Why?? WHY???
In the 1940s and 1950s, gedolim had mixed-seating at the weddings of their children.
Permitting mixed-seating at weddings is a proven method of making shidduchim.
But we will never do that, because our membership
in the chumrah-of-the-month club must be maintained
at all costs, even if it means missing-out on a simple,
easy, efficient, effective, proven method of making shidduchim.
G*D is crying, because of the misguided piety of His children.
G*D is crying, His children are trying to be more “Frum” than He is.
Yes, the Chareidim have become more “Frum” than G*D Himself!!!
And just as the author mentioned, the academic discussion follows. Doesn’t really do much to chirp up comments here and then go back to doing nothing. His point is things need to be done differently. Whether it’s closing the freezer, closing the Seminary, changing attitudes. Whatever it is. But continuing as before definitely not helping
Square Root,
There’s video of R’ Nota Greenblatt speaking about when Reb Moshe made a wedding he purposely sat the singles (I believe over 23yrs old) together so they could talk & meet. R’ Nota said throughout the wedding Reb Moshe went over to the singles to make sure they were comfortable.
Of course we’ve become so much Frummer over the decades (I wonder which Ruv gave Reb Moshe this Psak) so of course this is no longer possible.
@SQUARE_ROOT
For every overweight girl there are 2 overweight guys who think they’re going to marry a size zero. Are you one of those?
This reminds me of an old Yiddish song with every stanza ending with the refrain – far dem, far dem alain, iz kedai a Chussid tzu zein…
That being said, looking in as an outsider (I married off my kids at 18-19…), IMHO more than there is a shidduch crisis, there is a ‘gaavah crisis’. Yeshivish boys and girls are being taught to have a very high opinion of themselves, and this creates problems in life, not just shidduchim. Nobody is perfect, but an 18-year-old (boy or girl) who hasn’t yet ‘seen the world’ is much easier material to work with. TTBOMK, the percentage of couples happy with their marriage is roughly equal by Chassidim and Litvaks. Dating more really doesn’t tell you too much more about how a person is in real life. For that you need serious Siyatah d’Shmayah.
(BTW, ‘Square_Root’, both groups, once married, do much better on average than the Goyish-frei velt who meet via ‘mixed-seating’. In the ’40s and ’50s, a lot of things were going on in America that that were not exactly in synch with Halacha and Mesorah. If it worked for your parents or your Bubbie and Zeidie, chalk it up to שומר פתאים השם. ‘Mixed seating’ also discriminates against girls who are less outwardly attractive and outgoing, much more than the Litvish system of dating, flawed though it may be.)
Getting married ‘Chassidish style’ was the norm in all of Klal Yisroel (including Sephardim [in a major way] when they still kept their traditional Mesorah and lifestyle) until post-Haskalah (late 19th century) Lithuania, and urban Poland post-WWI, when Yeshiva bochurim started getting married much later because – there was a severe shortage of girls who would consider marrying a learning boy… or even in many cases a Frum boy… That’s one of the main reasons that Sarah Shenirer started the first Beis Yaakov Seminary… That is also the context in which the great Ba’alei Mussar and Masgichim of Lithuania in that era began to strongly emphasize the (true) gadlus and chashivus of a (real) Yeshivah Bochur – to give the few and the brave boys who were still in Yeshivos the backbone to withstand the difficulties of that matzav. Nowadays the situation has come around 180 degrees… so there may be a need for a reset of sorts.
This is leaving aside the complete meshugaas of the $50K gap-year-tiyul, AKA ‘Seminary’. I live in Eretz Yisroel, and often host seminary girls (up to our second cousins once removed plus five of her friends), and I DO NOT RECOMMEND sending your daughters. It is not good for their Ruchniyus and Gashmiyus to drei zich around for a year with minimal to no supervision, for no real tachlis.
If seminaries would close and let girls date at 18 then the crisis would be reduced. If yeshivas post high school would encourage 75 per cent of the boys to marry young and just leave 25 per cent go kollel there would be no Shidduch crises.
The so-called shidduch “crisis” boils down to three obsessions: money, yichus demands, and entitlement.
My own marriage would have never come to fruition today had we followed current guidelines and “requirements.”. And we’ve been happily married almost 50 years.
Please allow me to gently remind the oilam over here,
HASHEM IS IN CONTROL OF THE WORLD.
HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING.
MAN, WITH ALL OUR CHOCHMA, CANNOT CHANGE HIS PLAN.
Of course we must follow the Rabbonim, we must try our hardest, but working on our emunah and bitachon is far more effective than posting meshugena comments about fat girls going to the gym and being nichshol pure bochurim at mixed weddings! (i am honestly laughing at how completely crum and hashkafically misguided that sounds!!)