The following is not an actual letter from a child, but rather a composition from Yisroel Picker, a therapist, based upon his work with children. It is written in the form of a letter from the child, in order to try to more powerfully convey the message. 

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m writing this letter because I’m really confused about what’s going on between you two. I know you got divorced because things weren’t good anymore, and there was always yelling and fighting. I thought that meant things would be better now, but it feels like everything is just messier.

I don’t like it when you guys talk bad about each other in front of me. It makes me feel like I’m in the middle of some kind of game, and I’m just a pawn you’re using to hurt each other. I’m not a weapon, and I don’t want to be part of your fight.

All I want is love, comfort, and security. I need to know that you both still love me, even though you don’t love each other anymore. I miss having a happy family, but I’d settle for just feeling safe and loved by both of you, neither of which I’m feeling very much right now.

Please stop trying to make me choose sides. It’s not fair to me, and it doesn’t help anything. I love you both and I want to have a good relationship with each of you, regardless of what’s going on between you.

I also need you to respect my boundaries. If I come home from school with a note that my class is going on a trip that costs money, I shouldn’t be told to call the other parent to ask them to pay. That’s for you guys to figure out. When I’m sent from one parent to the other to ask for money, I feel like a pawn in some game of yours. I don’t know who wins, but it always feels like I lose.

I also don’t want to hear about lawyers, courts, or why things are the other parent’s fault. Those are grown-up things, and I shouldn’t have to deal with them. My job is to be a kid and your job is to take care of me, not vice-versa. That includes protecting me from the stress of your adult problems.

Remember, I’m a child, YOUR CHILD, not a therapist or a judge. My job is to learn and grow, not to hear about your issues and certainly not to fix them.

I know things weren’t good between you when you were married. There was always yelling, arguing, and just a bad vibe. But even though things weren’t perfect, I still loved you both. 

Even though you don’t love each other anymore, I still do. I want to be able to love each of you without feeling like I’m betraying the other.

Please, just try to remember that I’m a kid caught in the middle of all this. I don’t want to take sides and I don’t want to be hurt by your fighting. 

I want to love my daddy without my mommy being upset, and I want to love my mommy without it offending my daddy. It sounds like such a simple request yet it feels so hard at this moment. This confuses and scares me at the same time.

You’ve said the right things. You’ve told me that the divorce doesn’t mean mommy or daddy love me any less, but your words aren’t matching this current environment you’ve created for me.

All I want is love, security, and the chance to have a happy childhood, even if it’s not the one I imagined. I love you both, and I want to continue loving you both. 

I hope you can find a way to be good parents to me, even if you can’t be together anymore.

Love,

Your confused kid

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker, therapist and EMDR practitioner who lives and works in Jerusalem. He is a certified trauma therapist with a private practice. Additionally, he also sees clients who would like to take a cognitive approach (e.g. DBT, CBT, REBT) towards reaching their desired outcome. He has been writing and speaking publicly about child abuse prevention since 2017. To speak with Yisroel about speaking at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him at [email protected]