Some issues in life are binary. There’s no compromise available and you and your spouse are at a stand-off. You can either live in Monsey or Lakewood, (those are the only two options right?) but not both. You need to choose only one school to send your child to, and you can’t have both pizza and a BBQ for supper. So what do you do when you have discussed the issue with your spouse extensively and neither of your opinions have budged?

Many couples make the mistake of thinking that they have been talking to each other when they have really been talking at each-other. Each one goes into the discussion with a mission- convince my husband/wife that my way is the best way. They respond to their spouse’s talking points like they’re on a debate team and even if they’re smart enough to pretend to validate the other’s points before launching into their counter arguments, the goal of the conversation is to reach a decision. Since it’s a zero sum victory, they have no doubt about what conclusion they are looking for.

Rivky and her husband, Nachum, are arguing about whether he should go to Uman for Rosh Hashanah. She insists that she will have a miserable yomtov with him gone and he feels that he will have a miserable yomtov if he doesn’t go. Even if the fight doesn’t escalate, they stay calm and no one says anything harsh, they still end up frustrated at the dilemma- who should end up miserable for Rosh Hashanah?

Rivky and Nachum have had several conversations about this- each one reaching a dead end. Because they each feel like something important is at stake, they pay lip service (or ear service?) to hearing out their spouse and then immediately try to explain why their spouse shouldn’t feel the way they do. This leads to pain, frustration and unresolved yomtov plans.

Instead, Rivky and Nachum should decide that they are going to have a discussion about the issue, but no matter what, they are not going to come to a decision in this discussion. This frees them up to listen to their spouse with openness since the stakes are lower. The rules are simple. Each one listens to the other with genuine curiosity and openness. They ask clarifying questions and reflect their understanding back to their spouse. When that spouse feels that they have been understood then they switch roles. And that’s it. No one is allowed counter-arguments. No one is allowed to try to convince the other. This conversation is not about the resolution or the result, it’s about the process.

Now when Nachum is explaining how important it is to him to go to Uman, Rivky can listen with interest and without feeling panicked that she needs to change his mind. No decision will be immediately made. When Rivky shares her fears about being alone for yomtov, he can validate those feelings without feeling like he needs to convince her that it is not a big deal and so many people do it.

The obvious issue with all this is that the issue is still not resolved. The problem is still binary and everyone may still feel the same. And yet, nothing is the same. When people feel that they are heard and understood, possibilities open that didn’t exist before. When people know that they and their feelings are valued and respected by their spouse, the creativity in reaching resolutions can reach no bounds. So the key to resolving unresolvable issues is to not focus on resolving them. Focus on the process, hear out your spouse, set out on a journey to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of who they are and issues will either get resolved or the marriage will expand to hold the lack of resolution. Either way, you both end up as winners.

Chayi Hanfling is a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced and passionate in helping individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in couples counseling, EFT, women’s health, anxiety management, OCD, trauma, and other mental health challenges. She can be reached at https://chaicounseling.org or [email protected]