By any measure, a chasunah or aufruf is supposed to be among the holiest and happiest moments of a Jewish life. Chazal tell us חתן דומה למלך and כלה נאה וחסודה — a chassan and kallah are to be honored like royalty. The Shechinah itself rests at a chuppah. Yet in recent years, I’ve witnessed a disturbing trend that threatens to turn our simchas into spectacles of embarrassment: public mocking of the very people we’ve come together to celebrate.

At simcha after simcha, what is billed as a “funny speech” or “lighthearted roast” quickly becomes a barrage of shame. I sat through an aufruf where a friend of the chassan spent 15 minutes dredging up humiliating stories from his youth. Only at the end did he throw in a line about how the chassan has matured into a fine young man. But by then, the damage was done. Every joke had landed like another bullet — not just at the chassan, but at his parents, his mechutan, and every family member listening in pain.

At another simcha, a sibling of the kallah publicly joked that she was addicted to shopping with her father’s credit card. The room may have chuckled, but what remained was a lasting sting — a caricature of the kallah etched into the memory of her new in-laws.

This is not harmless humor. It is lashon hara. It is onaas devarim — verbal abuse — which the Torah prohibits even more sharply than financial wrongdoing. It is a desecration of the simcha, an insult to the families, and a betrayal of the mitzvah of being mesameach chassan v’kallah.

This corrosive “roasting” culture is a foreign import that has no place in a Jewish home, let alone at a Jewish wedding. It may masquerade as comedy, but in truth it’s cruelty, dressed up for the dance floor.

It must stop.

What must be done? Families need to take responsibility before the microphone ever gets handed over. Friends and siblings should be told explicitly: your words must uplift, not humiliate. If you cannot find the chassan or kallah’s virtues to highlight, then you have no business speaking. Even if the couple has their faults — and who doesn’t? — Chazal direct us to spotlight their maalos. A word of praise can inspire; a cheap jab can scar.

We cannot afford to let “what’s funny” trump “what’s right.” Simchas are sacred. They must be filled with kavod, brachah, and simchah — not cruelty disguised as humor.

It’s time we reclaim our simchas from the stand-up routine and restore them to their rightful dignity. If we truly care for our children, our families, and the sanctity of Jewish marriage, we will put an end to this mockery once and for all.

Signed,

B.H.

Lakewood, NJ

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