As a seasoned Pesach program traveler, I wanted to share a few things nobody tells you before you spend several thousand dollars on your Yom Tov vacation.

1. Pesach programs love to advertise “SHABBOS ELEVATOR” in large, prominent lettering on their brochures. You, like me, will naturally assume this means the elevator stops automatically on every floor. It does not. What it means is that a smartly dressed bellboy will be standing at the lift asking “Which floor, sir?” and pressing the button for you. This may come as a surprise, particularly to someone who has just spent a small fortune on the trip. Consider yourself warned.

2. Programs are almost universally non-gebrokts. Bring a small packet of mezonos for kiddush. Some programs also have a surprising scarcity of grape juice, on account of many guests not bothering to make daytime kiddush before eating. If you can find one person making kiddush on wine or liquor, you can listen in and eat your mezonos without washing. Problem solved.

3. Bring a small jar of mayonnaise. Just do it. Many programs are not particularly conscientious about keeping mayo on the table for every meal, and if you ask a waiter to bring some, there is a reasonable chance it will arrive by dessert. There is also the matter of the house-made mayonnaise — a runny, vaguely yellow concoction that technically qualifies as mayonnaise in the same way that a tricycle technically qualifies as a vehicle. For the sake of oneg Yom Tov, bring your own.

4. In my experience, there is a roughly 50/50 chance that the beis medrash — which frequently doubles as the entertainment venue — will contain any sefarim at all. The record for me was recently broken by a program that did not have a single Chumash on the premises. Not a xeroxed daf yomi page. Not one sefer of any kind. Just boxes of machzorim. Pack accordingly.

5. Bring a small magnet. The minibar fridge will have a light inside it, as may the wardrobe. A strip magnet to block the door latch is also worth having. Remarkably, some programs book hotels with electronic keycards without giving any thought to the halachic implications — and then spend Yom Tov dispatching non-Jewish staff to open doors for half the guests.

To recap: sefarim, elevator, mezonos, magnet, mayo. Five things. Write them down.

A Word on Hashgachos

It is probably too late in the season to raise this, but ask yourself: why does no mainstream hechsher give hashgacha on any of these programs? How is it that you have never once heard of a well-known beis din certifying a Pesach hotel? The hashgachos you encounter will have names of magnificent sweep and ambition — Global International Kosher, Continental Mehadrin, Worldwide Seas Kosher, Planetary Galactic Kosher — or, alternatively, they will be named after the most geographically improbable location imaginable. Kosher Montenegro. Kosher Vatican City. Kosher Luxembourg.

Even more creative is the program with no recognized hashgacha at all — just a handsome-looking stamp bearing the name of a mashgiach who, upon Googling, turns out to run no hechsher during the year and works part-time as a junior mashgiach for a real agency. Do not be persuaded by the argument that hotel and cruise kashrus is simply too specialized for the major agencies. Do you really think that only this particular individual, with his unique expertise, is capable of supervising a buffet in the Adriatic? There are programs with genuinely good hashgachos. Do your research before you go.

Two Final Notes

First: don’t assume you know who you’ll find at a Pesach program. Very heimishe Yidden show up at all kinds of places. The most balebatish, staunchly chassidish fellow from Boro Park may spend the entire week belting out Hu Yevarech et Chayalei at full volume. People go on vacation, and on vacation, people contain multitudes.

Second: the eruv. No matter what they told you about the eruv, it almost certainly isn’t kosher. The notion that a mashgiach armed with a Dirshu and a few photographs managed to construct a valid eruv across a Greek island or an Italian coastal town, without a single qualified rav ever setting foot there to inspect it, should give pause. “They’ve been doing it every year for decades” is not a halachic argument.

Chag kasher v’sameach — and pack the mayo.

Signed,

A Seasoned Traveler

The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.