In today’s yeshivish culture, young men need permission to live. Meet Yanky. Yanky always followed the rules. He respects his parents, his rebbeim, and his mesorah. He took his learning seriously through high school and beis medrash. Yanky is a “good guy.” Now, at age 23, he finds himself unmotivated to learn, to daven, to follow the path that was laid out for him. He doesn’t know what’s wrong. Ignoring the inner tension building inside of him, he pushes past his feelings and keeps learning. Soon after, Yanky finds himself in despair. He can’t keep it up. Learning has become a chore. He doesn’t feel connected like he used to. “Is it me? Is it the system? Is it the learning itself?” he asks. His subconscious has begun to plague him; he feels paralyzed. Getting a job isn’t really an option. It’s not a financial calculation it’s a social death sentence. What would my parents think? My rebbeim? My friends? Who would even marry a working guy?
This is the experience of too many good-hearted, well-intentioned young men in our community. Personal development has been arrested by new and rigid standards that could only have been positively applied to an exceptional population of young men. Before the Holocaust, yeshiva learning in Europe was reserved for the elite lomdonim. Volozhin the mother of all yeshivos, the most prestigious Torah institution in the world had approximately 400 talmidim at its peak. Today, Lakewood alone has over 7,000. The discrepancy is easily explained: unprecedented economic support has made full-time learning accessible to the masses in a way that was simply impossible in Europe. But accessible and working are two very different things. It is not my intention to downplay the importance of learning. I strongly believe that learning is the core of a fulfilling Jewish life, and more broadly, the survival of our nation. For those who are learning full-time with passion, ashreichem we need you. Nonetheless, the expectation that every young man must learn full-time has had devastating implications.
It is simply reality that everyone is different. Hashem created everyone with different abilities, talents, and levels of aptitude. Everyone is charged with living a life of service to Hashem with one caveat: that service must be done with joy, not out of fear, shame, or resentment. It would be easy for me to tell you (and I am!), “you hereby have permission to pursue a career, to build something, to cultivate your interests” but what good is permission from one voice when your entire world is shouting the opposite? The only solution I can offer is courage. Courage that Hashem understands you, loves you, and wants you to maximize your potential. Courage to do what you must and trust that you will find acceptance. Nothing stands in the way of someone who earnestly tries to do what is right for them. The marriage will come; there is an abundance of girls who just want a genuine guy. Your loved ones will come around. Your learning now no longer a performed tradition, but a living one will likely improve. You will have a true sense of identity.
Making this adjustment, even in theory, can feel identity-shattering. It is a profoundly painful experience. The reality, however, is that this experience cannot be avoided it can only be postponed. There will come a day when living someone else’s life becomes too burdensome. The longer that realization is delayed, the harder its effects will be. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can live a life of meaning today. It’s your obligation.
Full disclosure: I recently helped bring a book to the community called “The Million Dollar Part Time Job.” I took it on because I believe in what it’s saying. It’s a practical guide, written by someone who understands this world, for the Yankys who are ready to take the first step. If anything in this essay resonated with you, it’s worth your time.
All the best,
Zev Levin
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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19 Responses
This letter is totally emes and spot on !
Thank you for being brave enough to write it!
It’s also, in part, due to the general American culture we live in, where men are hated upon and women are promoted. I fear it has seeped into even our circles, and have experienced myself the beginnings of eve frum women thinking that they are superior to their male counterparts because they earn more money. The Torah defines women as an “ezer kenegdo”- a ruchnisyusdike tafkid, and now they have been blinded by people looking to make money off their (re-)education.
Another repackaged Modern Orthodox rant over the same thing they’ve been ranting for the last 55 years.
Do yourself a favor and leave such decisions for the gedolim. At the very least address your QUESTIONS to the gedolim. Just because you decided to write a book doesn’t make you a authority.
Lets take a moment to take apart this letter piece by piece.
Yanky Story
A fictional character, trapped in a system that forces everyone to learn when it doesnt work for them.
How many boys in fact leave kollel and work, and build beautiful families? (Answer: thousands.)
Is social pressure unique to learning, or does every culture have norms?
(Answer: Every society has expectations. The question is whether the expectation are noble and beneficial, not whether they exist.)
The Europe Only Had Elite Learners Claim
The letter writer will have you believe that pre Holocaust yeshiva learning was specifically and philosophically aimed at elite lomdonim only.
Was this truely the case? (Answer: There were many yeshivos for weaker students, there wasnt just the elite Volozhin Yeshiva].
Did the gedolim ever say elite learners only? (Answer: They pushed for everyone to learn. The chofetz chaim, Reb Chaim Ozer, Reb Aharon Kotler etc encouraged expanding Torah learning before the war, yet the numbers remained far lower than today- because of one reason. Poverty. Not ideology! The letter writer is confusing financial limitation with religious philosophy- very sloppy mistake.
The Commercial Angle
At the end he writes: I helped bring a book called The Million Dollar Part Time Job. There it is, the context has arrived!
So we have marketing. The man literally has a book to sell you !
Learning Torah is not just something nice, it is, for thousands of years, the spiritual foundation of the Jewish people. And yes, Mr. Bookseller, every culture prioritizes things. We are proud to be part of the Torah world which prioritizes the greatest most noble goals, that of Torah learning.
And there are thousands who have pursued parnasah too, and they too are part of our beautiful nation.
There Is A Entire series on TorahAnytime Named PRACTICAL JUDAISM by Rabbi Sholom Ahron Ehrenfeld Addressing all these topics and much more
“Before the Holocaust, yeshiva learning in Europe was reserved for the elite lomdonim.”
It was always so until all frum boys were forced to sit and learn. How?
In he USA during the Vietnam war 2/3 of all teenagers over 18 were drafted. A boy was exempt if he was studying for the priesthood or rabbinate (thanks to the Catholic church). So all frum boys went to yeshiva. So in the USA it become the universal for all boys, regardless of ability or desire to learn, to sit and learn.
In Israel, frum boys fought in the army during the wars of 1948, ’56, and ’67. The army was mostly chilonim and they made life very difficult for the chareidim persuading some to leave being frum while harassing all others. The only out was learning in yeshiva. So now the new norm was that all frum boys, regardless of desire went to yeshiva and sat and learned.
So now it was universal that all boys sit and learn, regardless of desire or ability. If you did something else you were now considered inferior.
Normal? Not for thousand of years! And not now either!
While there is some element of truth to the letter writer’s point, in the US, it is not really accurate. There are PLENTY of girls who are looking for an earner/learner. In fact, one girl that I have in mind ended up marrying a guy who is a thousand times more frum (and a better catch) than the average BMG guy. Many girls are fully aware that the overall majority of guys in yeshiva today are just following the program and are not fully thought out.
Keep in mind that there may be an equal number of girls who are not thought out and are also just following the program.
In Israel, this is more of a problem. The stigmas in the US are much, much less.
The zevulun is never detached from the Yissachar like the poles are never removed from the Aron. If someone really has it in him to make a good living with some learning on the side, there’s no shortage of rabbis that will be happy to partner with you!
what a disgusting evil author. you are far removed from what it means to be a “holy nation”. Jews are meant to serve G-d with and only with the Torah He gave us. “Hee Chayani v’Orech Yumaini”
stop telling good boys to rebel against their parents and rebel against the Torah.
Happiness is your avoda zureh.
Interesting, and I very much agree with you.
I had to wrestle with this many years ago. I was in a top Yeshiva and I couldn’t do it. It was gut wrenching being in a situation where I had been trained to believe that this was the only path to happiness and fullfillment and yet not be able to do it. I was ADHD and couldn’t sit and feel accomplished by learning all of those hours. I would have thrived if I learned part time (especially halacha or something practical like Shechitta) and went out to work. I couldn’t get myself to leave on my own and unfortunately, I burned out in a bad way and fell away from anything resembling a yeshiva lifestyle for many years.
Recently, a brother of mine made the decision to leave Yeshiva and try to pursue a career while learning in the morning. He was not feeling fulfilled and was just benchwarming and wasting time in Yeshiva. He chose being productive and the mental health benefits that come with that over wasting time in Yeshiva. Thankfully the environment has changed and it is more acceptable (though still incredibly difficult). I know it was not an easy decision for him.
I decided not go on to Beis Medrash post-Mesivta because I felt like that’s not the path I wanted to take my life in, so I went to college.
Are my Rebbeim happy? Not at all.
Am I happy with my decision? Absolutely.
There are may Yeshivo’s for such “Yanky’s” that offer part time learning and part time training/working.
Another problem highlighted by the former Ponevez Rosh Yeshivah Rabbi Gershon Edelstein ZT”L, is that bochrim need to learn according to their nature and what they enjoy. While the main sedorim in Yeshivah are fixed, there are evenings and weekends, when a bochur should try to learn what he enjoys most. Even during Seder he can focus to a certain degree according his strength, doing more bekius less iyun or vice versa.
Alternatively, he may join a kollel or chaburah that learns halachah, if that suits him best.
Learning is enjoyable but needs to be done according to his nature!
Not sure what the point is. No one is forcing anyone to stay in learning. Naturally, if one asks his Rebbi should I leave he’ll try to feel him out. I’m sure if a Rebbi sees his Tamid feels totally “living someone else’s life” he’ll guide him to a more suitable program or to work part time etc.
Who’s being forced to do anything?
The gemora in chagiga 5b says; ??? ????: ???? ????? ???? ??? ???? ????? ??? ???: ?? ????? ????? ????? ????? ????, ??? ??? ???? ????? ????? ?????, ??? ???? ?????? ?? ?????.
Some comments here are plainly offensive, others carry a useful message. I have my biases. But in reality, no one is right. Our yeshivos are packed with talmidim of all sorts. Some should be there, and remain there. Others should be directed to careers, with kviyus ittim. This is handicapped with two major problems.
#1 – It is taboo for any Rosh Hayeshiva to tell a bochur to pursue a career. A yeshiva where that happens will lose its image and reputation. In reality, and truly good Rosh Yeshiva should forget about image and reputation, and give the guidance to every talmid, ???? ???? ?? ?? ????. It is in the best interest of that bochur, the yeshiva, and Klal Yisroel that this bochur should have a successful life, whichever direction that happens to be. I postulate that few Roshei Yeshivos are equipped to guide a talmid to pursue anything but learning. And this becomes less than competent when the talmid is not cut out for that.
#2 – The culture. Our community has evolved or devolved into one that places premium value on full time learning, and casts aspersions on all other options, without regard to one’s individual capabilities. One sees this in the shidduch scene, and the resumes just represent a written version of this. How many girls are indoctrinated in school to direct their lives to “learning boys”? How many such girls walk into this trap, either truly wanting a world that doesn’t require that level of mesiras nefesh of ?? ????, but were afraid to say so at shidduch time? How many girls believed they were marrying the next ??? ????? ????, only to discover their husbands were far less passionate about such learning? I do believe that there are many that marry successfully and are happy. But the cultural message is erroneous and becomes destructive.
Everyone has their place. We need our rabbonim, magidei shiurim, and other klai kodesh. We also need our frum businessmen, shaitel machers, caterers, doctors, therapists, store owners, real estate folks, etc. Those that get placed well achieve success. Those that end up at the wrong address struggle. I believe that HKB”H placed us here to utilize our skills and talents to their greatest potential. It is easier to misguide someone (including by the culture) than to give proper direction. I wish this skill was mastered by all Roshei Yeshivos and Mashgichim.
Lakewood Mosdos, boys and girls, employ too much stick, not enough carrot.
My advice is to try your best. It depends on how old you are and your interests. There are many who are in business and tune into people like Eli Stefansky and sruly Borenstein daf yomis. Others tune into Torah anytime where there are thousands of lectures. Many enjoy listening to recordings of Rabbi Avigdor Miller in Hashkofa. Many times listening to certain speakers motivate people of all ages to increase their learning. One thing is sure. Not to learn at all for years is not good. Your children want to see their father learning. You can do Chumash Rashi and marba sedra. You can find your level of interest. Everyone has a different interest. Some like to listen to lectures without any written material. Sme like art scroll. Here is a trick i do. In yeshiva we were warned not to look at the new material as we might interpret things wrong but wait to hear it first time from the rebbe. Guess what. It never worked for me. You cant possibly understand difficult words and ideas upon hearing it once and many kids drop gemorah as they feel its too difficult. There are thousands of middle age people who have not opened a gemorah in thirty years. Here is the trick. No matter how old you are from teenager to ninety years old. Take a gemorah Thats bigger so you can write on the margins or above the words. Take an Artscroll and go through line by line and write the teitch meaning of difficult words. Put commas wherever Artscroll does into your gemorah. Use yellow highlighters as well. Now when you got a picture of the page be it a half amud,a whole amud or a blaat then attend a Shiuer be it in Person or on line or phone recording. You try going to a Sunday Shiuer. Every day repeat what you learnt four times to yourself. After a week you would of done it 28 times. You will gain confidence. You will pick up more words. You may not understand difficult gemorah perfectly but thats ok. Now on the side of each page you need to mark off how many times you did it. So lets say Friday i make one line after the first time if repetition. Then a second line of the F and then a third line and the letter is fully formed. For the fourth and final repition of the day i put a line under the F and I know im done for Friday. You can do similar things for each day. I did four mesectas like this already. Taalis,Megillah,rosh Hashana and Sukkas. You too can follow this trick. Kids in eight should do this as young minds can absorb better. Parents reading this should encourage their kids to this method. Kids will come to yeshiva confident on their basic gemorah and thus understand tosfeis faster. Once you have the basics locked in you can build further.
Thank you for writing this.
I only read 3 of the comments, so if this had already been written, forgive me for repeating what’s already been said.
The Torah gives many directives, some of which seem to be conflicting.
As a person who started dating depressed, unfulfilled men from age 18,
this is my observation:
The Torah says “v’chai bahem”.
Live!
There are only Three things for which the Torah says you must die rather than transgress~
Avoda Zara
Gilui Arayos
Shefichas Damim
A bachur who is exposed to parents or a Rebbi who Worships Money,
is surrounded by Beautiful Women,
and Can’t Concentrate on Gemara
Is having a Normal Reaction to the Body He was Gifted by God Almighty.
The only distraction that will help him is Physical Work.