Good Forwards (Emails)

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    this one I’ve read a dozen times- but it helps to read again.

    Until a few years ago, I didn’t take anything very seriously. I had

    graduated from a Yeshiva high school, and, unlike most of my class, I

    didn’t feel I had what it took to be a learner. I didn’t want to go to

    college right away, and I thought I would get a job and have a good

    time before I settled down. My parents were not very pleased with

    these decisions, but, at that point in my life, what my parents wanted

    was not terribly important to me.

    Regrettably, during this time I fell in with a group of friends who

    were not Orthodox. At first, I told myself that I would not be

    influenced by them; but this turned out to be very far from the truth.

    In a very short period of time, I became exactly like them, and maybe

    worse, as I should have known better. Shabbos meant nothing, Kashrus

    meant nothing, and my life was spent in a haze which even today I have

    trouble remembering. My parents were devastated. Maybe they didn’t

    expect me to be the best of the best, but they certainly didn’t expect


    As well as having destroyed my own life, I was on my way to destroying

    my family as well. Because of the bad influence I was having on my

    younger brothers, my father asked me to leave the house. When I moved

    out, I said some really cruel and spiteful things to him. I can

    remember him standing silently at the door, with my mother crying at

    his side. I realize now that what I had seen in them as a weakness was

    actually enormous strength. I had no contact with anyone in my family

    for almost a year. Deep inside I missed them very much, but I

    foolishly thought that I could be seen as weak, if I contacted them.

    One morning, I was shocked to find my father waiting for me outside of

    the apartment building I lived in. He looked at me with tired, worn

    eyes and asked if we could talk. Stubborn to the core, I only nodded,

    and we walked to a corner coffee shop where we sat down. He told me

    how much everyone missed me and how I had been in their minds and

    hearts every second that I had been gone. He told me how my mother

    agonized over what had happened, blaming herself for not having been

    there for me. While he was talking, tears began rushing from his eyes.

    He told me that he wasn’t here to lecture me. He just had one request.

    He wanted me to drive with him that afternoon to Monsey, NY, and say

    one chapter of Tehillim at the grave of a certain Tzaddik. As far

    removed as I was from Yiddishkeit, I was still moved by his request. I

    told him that I couldn’t go that day, but that I would go with him any

    other time. In truth, I had plans to go with some friends to Atlantic

    City that evening, and I didn’t want to break them. When I told him

    that I couldn’t go that day, he reached across the table and took my

    hand in his and just looked at me with his tear streaked sad face. I

    felt my own eyes begin to water, and, rather then have him see me cry

    I just agreed to meet him later that day.

    I made the necessary apologies to my friends, and, later that day, I

    met my father. We didn’t talk much during the trip up. I remember

    getting out of the car with him, and walking over to one of the

    graves. He put some rocks on top of the grave and gave me a Tehillim.

    We must have looked quite strange. My father in his long black coat, a

    black hat perched on his head, and me, with my leather bomber jacket

    and jeans. We didn’t stay long. Ten minutes after we had arrived, we

    were on our way back. The return trip was as quiet as the trip there.

    My father let me off in front of my apartment building. I still recall

    the words he said to me as I got out of the car. He told me that no

    matter what may have happened between us, and no matter what may

    happen, I was always going to be his son and he would always love me.

    I was emotionally moved by his words, but I was not experiencing the

    spiritual inspiration he may have been hoping for. I shook my head at

    his words and we parted company.

    The next morning, I woke up to some shocking news. On the way back

    from Atlantic City, my friends were involved in a head on collision

    with a tractor trailer. There were no survivors. As I write this

    letter, I am overcome with emotion. I made a bris today for my first

    child. My father was Sandak and, as he held my son on his lap, his

    eyes met mine and we smiled. It was as if we had finally reached the

    end of a long journey. We had never talked to each other about that

    trip to Monsey, nor had I ever told him about the death of my friends.

    I just walked back into their home that evening, and was taken back

    with open arms and no questions asked. I don’t think I will ever

    understand what happened that day. I just know, sitting here late at

    night, with my son in my arms, that I will try and be the father to

    him that my father was to me.


    If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!

    Did you hear about Artscrolls new edition of shas in spanish? your cleaning lady can help your son with his homework.



    wow. then again, it’s probably made up.


    areivimzehlazeh: what an emotional story. do you know which Tzaddik the father took him to? and was this story verified?


    areivim, beautiful! (I think someone once posted it here in the cr-I’m a real old-timer)

    kapusta, wow! That’s great! You mean my father won’t have to waste his time anymore doing homework with my brothers at night? God, what is this world coming to???



    Shoppin at WalMart

    * Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at the same time.

    * Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “Code 3

    in Electronics” and see what happens.

    * When a clerk asks if he can help you, begin to cry and ask, “Why

    can’t you people just leave me alone?”

    * Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror to comb

    your hair.

    * While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he

    knows where the anti-depressants are.

    * Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, “Pick


    * When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal

    position and scream, “No! No! It’s those voices again!!”

    And last (but not least!),

    * Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a few minutes… and

    then yell very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”



    areivim: wow mind blowing! i wonder if it’s really true!?

    kapusta: that was already posted, by your truly[ME]! worth repeating though!

    anonymisss: i thought i recognized part of it!


    Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good

    mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask

    him how he was doing, he would reply, “If I were any better, I would be


    He was a natural motivator.

    If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the

    employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

    Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to

    Michael and asked him, “I don’t get it!

    You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?”

    Michael replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two

    choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or .. you can

    choose to be in a bad mood.

    I choose to be in a good mood.”

    Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or…I can

    choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

    Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their

    complaining or… I can point out the positive side of life. I choose

    the positive side of life.

    “Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.

    “Yes, it is,” Michael said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut

    away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you

    react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

    You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your

    choice how you live your life.”

    I reflected on what Michael said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower

    Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought

    about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

    Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious

    accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

    After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was

    released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

    I saw Michael about six months after the accident.

    When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be

    twins Wanna see my scars?”

    I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through

    his mind as the accident took place.

    “The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my

    soon-to-be born daughter,” Michael replied. “Then, as I lay on the

    ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live

    or…I could choose to die. I chose to live.”

    “Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.

    Michael continued, “..the paramedics were great.

    They kept telling me I was going to be fine.But when they wheeled me

    into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and

    nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man’.

    I knew I needed to take action.”

    “What did you do?” I asked.

    “Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said

    Michael. “She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes, I replied.’

    The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I

    took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity’.”

    Over their laughter, I told them, “I am choosing to live. Operate on me

    as if I am alive, not dead.”

    Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of

    his amazing attitude… I learned from him that every day we have the

    choice to live fully.

    Attitude, after all, is everything.

    Remember that today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

    “Always give without remembering; always receive without forgetting”





    God, what is this world coming to???

    you took me seriously??? you weren’t supposed to.



    kapusta: that post of your’s should have been in the humor thread, so those get it’s a joke!


    kapusta, I realized you weren’t serious. Just that the sad truth is that thinking that way is not so far-removed from reality. You think that’s normal?



    Jax, sorry about the repeat post! and thanx for the idea, but I think it would’ve lost its touch if I just posted in the humor thread, no?

    anonymisss, I agree with you completely but we’re delving into very deep, serious stuff here and aside from the fact it’s late, this thread was supposed to be lighter…



    kapusta: ok, yeah cause it fit in well here with areivim’s posts!

    p.s. it was really funny!




    wow. then again, it’s probably made up.



    areivimzehlazeh: what an emotional story. do you know which Tzaddik the father took him to? and was this story verified?


    how do you know he didn’t base the story on the email?

    ok, i said it was pretty cool.


    kapusta & Jax- the walmart email is worth reading once every day! i literally laughed OUT LOUD! that is so my type… ;););)


    & Law of Mechanical Repair

    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch….

    & Law of the Workshop

    Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    & Law of Probability

    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act .

    & Law of the Telephone

    If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

    & Law of the Alibi

    If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

    & < /FONT> Variation Law

    If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    & Law of the Bath

    When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    & Law of Close Encounters

    The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

    & Law of the Result

    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

    & Law of Biomechanics

    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    & Law of the Theater

    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

    & Law of Coffee

    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    & Murphy’s Law of Lockers

    If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    & Law of Rugs/Carpets

    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

    & Law of Location

    No matter where you go, there you are.

    & Law of Logical Argument

    Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

    & Brown’s Law

    If the shoe fits, it’s ugly..

    & Oliver’s Law

    A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    & Wilson ‘s Law

    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

    & Doctors’ Law

    If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll fee l better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

    an open book



    areivimz: your type to try it at walmart? cause i so would do half those things on the list!


    22, good ones!



    This needs to be bolded, in large type font, at the top of the CR home page (and the main site).

    Law of Logical Argument

    Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

    THANK YOU 22OldGold!


    Irena Sendler

    There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena. During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the WarsawGhetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an ‘ ulterior motive ‘ … She KNEW what the Nazi’s plans were for the Jews, (being German.) Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids.) She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises. During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. She was caught, and the Nazi ‘ s broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited the family. Most of course had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.

    Last year Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize … She was not selected.

    * Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.


    GOD BLESS HER May she rest in Peace.


    ***DELETED*** please go back and read the “RULES OF THE YWN COFFEE ROOM” thread.

    Inappropriate comments or phrases will not be approved.

    YW Moderator-72


    They called me to get my phone number.

    They spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice carton because it said ‘concentrate.’

    They tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

    They sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

    They tried to drown a fish.

    They thought a quarterback was a refund.

    They got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

    They tripped over a cordless phone.

    They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

    They studied for a blood test.

    They thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

    When They heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, they moved.

    When They missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice instead.

    When they took you to the airport and saw a sign that said ‘Airport Left’ they turned around and went home


    nice. make this one better, though:

    They got locked in a 24-hour grocery store and starved to death.


    Very Cute!!


    22OldGold: those were great! thanx for the entertainment!


    22OG- who’s the “they”? The Obama administration? 😉


    A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

    The driver pleaded with him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

    “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous.”

    “I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman said.

    The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken,” the officer asked.

    “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”


    some of these are duplicates- the rest are pretty good.

    Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

    Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

    “I am ” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

    Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

    Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

    If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

    If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?


    areivim, … is there ever a day that mattresses aren’t on sale?

    How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?



    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

    Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

    ‘What are you doing?’

    She asked.

    ‘Hunting Flies’

    He responded.

    ‘Oh! Killing any?’

    She asked.

    ‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked.

    ‘How can you tell them apart?’

    He responded,

    ‘3 were on a beer can,


    Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once

    Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

    The purpose of the Contest was to find the most caring child.

    The winner was:

    A four-year-old child, whose next door

    neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing

    the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman’s’ yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

    When his mother asked him what he had

    said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, ‘Nothing, I just Helped him cry.’


    Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were

    discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture

    had a different hair color than the other members. One of her

    students suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said, ‘I know all about

    Adoption, I was adopted..!!!!!!

    ‘What does it mean to be adopted?’, asked another child.

    ‘It means’, said the girl, ‘that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!’


    On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first- base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was

    ‘We’re behind 14 to nothing,’ he answered With a smile.

    ‘Really,’ I said. ‘I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.’

    ‘Discouraged?’, the boy asked with a Puzzled look on his face…

    ‘Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t Been up to bat yet.’


    Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

    Jamie was trying out for a part in the

    school play. His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being

    in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

    On the day the parts were awarded, I went

    with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,

    eyes shining with pride and excitement. ‘Guess what, Mom,’ he

    shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to

    me….’I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.’


    An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December,

    some years ago: A little boy,

    about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the

    roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.

    A lady approached the young boy and said,

    ‘My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window!’

    ‘I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,’was the boy’s reply.

    The lady took him by the hand, went into

    the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks

    for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water

    and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

    She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

    By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..

    She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, ‘No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.’

    As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.

    ‘Are you God’s wife?’


    mepal, i’ll venture a guess… this is your favorite thread?

    good ones.


    mepal: keep ’em coming!


    K posting a few but I didn’t read through this whole thread so sorry if there’s doubles!!

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

    ‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

    In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash……..

    Twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in, until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

    PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!


    Who’s working anyway?

    The population of this country is 300 million…

    160 million are retired.

    That leaves 140 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school.

    Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

    Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

    Leaving 15 million to do the work.

    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

    Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

    Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work! for state and city governments.

    And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

    Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves just two people to do the! work.

    You and me…

    And there you are,


    at your computer, reading jokes.

    Nice. Real nice.


    myshadow: lol! I love the first one you posted!!


    The day pencil skirts were created, I laughed.

    From my perch in Paris where I direct the Designers, I laughed.

    A laugh of approval.

    A laugh of deception.

    A laugh of cruelty.

    The evilest of evil laughs.

    Why did I laugh?

    Because I realized I’ve got them.

    No, not the weak ones.

    Not the ones falling between the cracks.

    But the best of the best.

    Only THEY can help me.

    They’re the ones I can feed off of.

    The weak have nothing to offer me.

    The strong ones are the ones I need..

    Yes, the best of the best.

    The “Bais Yaakov Girls”

    So she’ll do her daily mirror check.

    Pearl earrings in place.

    Button down.

    Black tights.

    Skirt covers knees.

    A true Bais Yaakov Girl.

    I watch from afar.

    And I continue to laugh my evil laugh.

    Just wait till she sits down.

    I’ve tried in the past with the collarbone, but theres no fooling them. They’re too strong for me. with the elbows, there’s no way. that leaves me with only one solution- the knees. Covered when they look in the mirror, and so -they innocently think- covered the whole day.

    True, there are those few moments here and there when she notices, so she’ll tug on her skirt a bit but I’m not worried because there will be plenty a moment when she won’t notice.

    But fortunately, the Rabbis in front of the classroom do.

    And so do the weak girls.

    And so does G-d.

    Even for those who do realize perhaps this skirt is too short, there’s always the black tights excuse to help me out.

    Thankfully, they don’t seem to realize that black knees are still knees.

    Oh I’ve educated them well.

    Secretly, slipped the word “Duty-length” into their vocabulary.

    That did it.

    They’re more defensive about it than anyone else.

    If they buy a skirt that by mistake is “duty length” I watch proudly as they run to the seamstress to chop it off to just below the knee.

    The stronger amongst them will say a little longer below the knee, but they also don’t realize that that won’t help them very much when they’re sitting.

    Then there are those who do scare me because they really are trying to do the right thing. So when they sit down, they’ll tug on their skirts and pull it over their knees. Or so they think. I just hope they’ll be sitting with one leg on top of the other and then they think their knees are covered but in actuality, only one is.

    Thank G-d, they don’t take their leaders too seriously when they encourage them to go for four inches below the knee. I’ve succeeded in getting them into defensive mode when it comes to these things.

    I’d worried way back that they would realize that their relationship with G-d is ideally that of a good marriage, and their leaders merely their husbands close friends coming to tell them what they’re husband REALLY likes.

    Because if they would realize that, they would RUN to buy the “Duty length” skirts. Because when you truly love your husband, you run to prepare whatever it is he likes.

    But then I would be out of business.

    Thanks to my hard work, that’s not the case.

    Seems their marriage is a bit shaky after all.

    And to my credit, their “Husband” watches them sadly thinking is that all our marriage means to you? All you can give me are skirts that JUST cover the knees. Is our marriage merely an obligation to get over with in the easiest way possible? Is that how much you value me?

    And I laugh.

    With much appreciation to all those who’ve assisted my cause over the years,

    And with gratitude to all those who’ve provided me with many good laughs,

    The Satan

    Editors note:

    Yes, he has got us in more ways than not, and yes it’s so easy to think I’m a good BY girl so what are a few inches anyway?

    But just recently, we were forced to see that when it comes to the aim of a gun or a rocket, a few inches really DO matter.

    And we witnessed Hashem being SO careful with His inches, so many rockets JUST missing their aim.

    Maybe we can show our “Husband” some well deserved love.

    And be careful with our inches too.


    Not sure if this has been posted yet….

    B.O.O.K. – Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge Device, tradenamed – BOOK. BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

    Here’s how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

    BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

    An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed.

    Bookmark’s fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

    Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.


    And another one…..

    SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks

    the other, then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

    SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the

    other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your

    publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by themajority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

    THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.


    You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads,because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

    IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb your cities and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.


    Rules of Work


    > 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always

    > wait until 4:00 and

    > then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is

    > refreshing.


    > 2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and

    > interrupt me every 10

    > minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or

    > even better, hover

    > behind me, advising me at every keystroke.


    > 3. Always leave without telling anyone where

    > you’re going. It

    > gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks

    > where you are.


    > 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes,

    > books, or supplies,

    > don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to

    > function as a

    > paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good

    > training in case I

    > should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.


    > 5. If you give me more than one job to do,

    > don’t tell me which

    > is the priority. I am psychic.


    > 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this

    > office and really

    > have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life

    > beyond work.


    > 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a

    > secret. If that gets

    > out, it could mean a promotion.


    > 8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I

    > like my name to

    > be popular in conversations. I was born to be

    > whipped.


    > 9. If you have special instructions for a job,

    > don’t write them

    > down. In fact, save them until the job is almost

    > done. No use

    > confusing me with useful information.


    > 10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with.

    > I have no right

    > to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am

    > plankton. When you

    > refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will

    > identify them.



    mepal- are you stressed? 😉


    charlie, the second one was great!

    areivim, stressed backwards spells desserts!



    myshadow, mepal, & charlie brown: those were all great! thanx for the good laugh!

    kapusta: areivim, stressed backwards spells desserts!

    i really like that one! i never heard it before, awesome one!




    mepal- are you stressed? 😉

    please head over to the ‘attention mods’ thread and you’ll get your answer. Actually, I just learnt how to do the work for you! just click on the link below.

    Attention Mods

    Now lets see if that worked.

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