Jokes

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Viewing 50 posts - 801 through 850 (of 2,015 total)
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  • #1201645
    Getzel
    Participant

    i just realized we r hitting 800 posts! think about how many smiles were created by this thread!

    #1201646
    Getzel
    Participant

    “The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.”

    #1201648
    Getzel
    Participant

    when you go to a bar ask for a bin laden if the bartender says whats that, then say two shots and a splash of water

    #1201649
    Getzel
    Participant
    #1201650
    Getzel
    Participant

    Now here is the last but best!!!

    #1201651
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    RIP Osama bin Laden, World Hide and Go Seek Champion (2001-2011)

    #1201652
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Does this mean we can start taking box cutters back on flights?

    #1201653
    Getzel
    Participant

    one more

    “And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever.”

    #1201654
    Getzel
    Participant

    Daas Yochid

    why should we be allowed now?

    #1201655
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    DY,

    I would change the RIP to RINOP

    The rest is quite funny:)

    #1201656
    Mayan_Dvash
    Participant

    AYC: perhaps the ‘P’ is for purgatory.

    #1201657
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    mayan

    Funny!

    But why should he rest?

    #1201658
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    getzel1 and am yisrael chai,

    You both have good points. I didn’t make them up, though.

    Getzel1, thanks for all the laughs.

    #1201659
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    I just sold my vacuum cleaner on ebay. It was only gathering dust.

    #1201660
    adorable
    Participant

    SG- great one! LOL

    #1201661
    deiyezooger
    Member

    “RIP Osama bin Laden”

    RIP in this case stands for Roast In Peace.

    #1201662

    I hope OBL is enjoying “rig”orous workout

    Roasting In Gehinom

    #1201663
    Getzel
    Participant

    A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

    “Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.”

    Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

    #1201664
    Getzel
    Participant

    A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, “what did you learn today?”

    He answered, “The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt.”

    “How?”

    The boy said “Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross.”

    The father was shocked. “Is that what the Rabbi taught you?”

    The boy replied, “No. But you’d never beleive the story he DID tell us!”

    #1201665
    Getzel
    Participant

    CNN and NY Times cover the Passover

    The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.

    Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. “It is simply impossible to report when you can’t see an inch in front of you,” complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. “I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me.” While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. “If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society.”

    Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews’ superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower G-d. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. “The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world,” stated an angry French President JacquesChirac.

    Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh’s chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. “The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy,” Mr. Shapiro laments. “The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him,” gushes Shapiro.

    The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. “Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters,” Mr. Boucher states. “The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues.” The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. “If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them,” Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.

    #1201667
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

    This one is priceless….A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a

    particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

    Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their

    travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

    The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

    The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife

    Subject: I’ve Arrived

    Date: October 16, 2009

    I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

    I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as

    uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. Sure is hot down here

    #1201668
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    #1201669
    Getzel
    Participant

    LOL

    #1201670

    agent 004 gets called into the head of the mossad.

    “we must get an urgent message to agent 003. as you know he is the worlds greatest expert in disguise and secrecy and has been in deep undercover for 2 years, it took us over 6 months to find his location. he is living in so and so city at this address, he is using the name goldberg”

    004 gets there and finds two goldbergs listed on the apartment complex.

    he decides to go to the one on the first floor. he knocks and an old man answers the door.

    the agent says “mr goldberg, the bird of prey flies through the murky skies”

    goldberg looks puzzled then he laughs and says “oh, im goldberg the tailor, you want goldberg the spy, he lives on the third floor”

    #1201671
    me too
    Member

    I mentioned an acquaintance who lost a fortune on Wall St.

    Says my 97 year old mother “That is better than a failed business. At least he does not have the headache pf liquidating equipment & inventory”

    #1201672
    Getzel
    Participant

    Living with 3 wives and not leaving the house for 5 years…..Osama probably called the US Navy Seals himself!

    #1201673
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Did you hear about the pair of simese twins who moved to England just so that the other one could learn to drive!

    #1201674
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    2 old yentas were eating together in a restaurant. “Such awful food here” said the first. “I agree” said the second, “It’s completely inedible. And such small portions they give”!

    #1201675
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    For a joke I switched all the beds in my house for trampolines. My wife hit the roof !

    #1201676
    Ad Dilo Yada
    Participant

    What do you call a dinosaur that doesn’t believe in his own existence?

    *

    *

    *

    *

    *

    *

    *

    An Apicasaurus

    #1201677
    Ad Dilo Yada
    Participant

    two elderly men, John and Mike are sitting on a bench and talking about baseball. one said to the other, i wonder if there’s baseball in heaven. they made a deal, that whoever went up first would come in a dream with the answer. a few months later Mike died. he came in a dream and said “i have good news and bad news, good news: there is baseball in heaven. Bad news: you’re pitching on friday!!!

    #1201678
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Unfortunately not a joke.

    An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in the States when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

    Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

    The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

    Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

    A reporter has watched the whole event and says to the Israeli: ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

    The Israeli replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was

    behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right..’

    The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, tell me please, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

    The Israeli replies, “I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud.”

    After taking a few more details, the journalist leaves.

    The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

    RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

    #1201679
    Imanonov
    Participant

    If Bin Laden would have heard all the jokes circulating about him, he would turn over in his wave.

    #1201681
    Getzel
    Participant

    The main thing is that hes dead

    #1201682
    baron fritz
    Participant

    Rabbi Epstein was moving to another city and was saying farewell to his congregation at the synagogue for the last time. Old Mrs. Rosenberg approached him and said, “Your successor won’t be nearly as good as you.”

    “Nonsense”, said Rabbi Epstein, in a flattered tone.

    “No, really”, said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different rabbis, and each new one has been worse than the last.”

    #1201683
    Getzel
    Participant

    Dear President Obama:

    We are writing today with a somewhat unusual request. We ask that you return America to its August 20th, 1959, borders so that Hawaii is no longer a state and you are no longer a citizen.

    Yours truly,

    52% of the American People

    #1201684
    prettyinpink
    Member

    good one getzel!!!!

    i really like that one!!!!!!(can you tell?)

    #1201685
    Getzel
    Participant

    yes I C

    #1201686
    baron fritz
    Participant
    #1201687
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Mexican Words Of The Day :

    1. *Cheese*

    The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.

    Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

    2. *Mushroom*

    When all my family get in the car there’s not mushroom.

    3. *Shoulder*

    My fren wants 2 become a citizen, But che didn’t know how to read, So I shoulder.

    4. * Texas *

    When I’m not home, My fren always Texas me, Che wonders where I am!

    5. *Rectum*

    I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

    6. *Chicken*

    I was going to go to the store with my wife. But che said chicken go herself.

    7. *Wheelchair*

    We only have one enchilada left But don’t worry wheelchair

    8. *Chicken* *wing*

    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

    #1201688
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Imanonov,

    you used chicken twice, but its all good

    speaking of mexicans what’s a mexican’s favorite letter?

    C (Si)

    #1201689
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Mexican Words continued:

    9. *Fascinate*

    My new coat has ten buttons but I can only fascinate.

    10. *Centimeter*

    My Grandmother came to visit today so I was centimeter from the airport.

    #1201690
    Getzel
    Participant

    if Obama rolls back 2 1959 then gito veyodo buin keachas and he can not do anything

    #1201691
    Getzel
    Participant

    If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.”

    #1201693
    Toi
    Participant

    MExican words again:

    What did the mexican fire truck call his kids???

    JosA and JosB

    !!!! come on you know its funny

    #1201698
    Imanonov
    Participant

    A preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

    With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

    Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing”

    The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

    He prayed a long time for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

    After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

    Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til next week.”

    #1201699
    Ad Dilo Yada
    Participant

    don’t get it

    #1201700

    hearing, meaning one, sense of detecting vibrations in the air

    hearing, meaning two, a court appearance

    #1201701
    minyan gal
    Member

    Mods: how did the last post by Baron Fritz pass the moderation process? No matter what a person’s feelings about Obama are to post a so-called joke about him being a slave is disgusting. Nothing funny or Torahdek about that remark.

    #1201702
    bpt
    Participant

    On the same lines as Imanonov:

    Yankel: “Jose, where you been? I haven’t seen you for a while.”

    Jose: “I was in Yale.”

    Yankel: “Why where you in Yale?”

    Jose: “Aggravated Assault.”

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