Jokes

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  • #1201703
    BSD
    Member

    Mexicans cross the border 1 2 or 4 at a time, but never 3 b/c the sign says no trespassing.

    #1201704
    minyan gal
    Member

    To the moderator who removed the “slavery” post. Many, many thanks. Chag Sameach.

    #1201705
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    wow,

    ad dilo is soo drunk that there’s no difference between hearing and hearing

    #1201706
    okay then
    Member

    So all jokes start with the plane that’s too heavy so they need to dump people off…

    Well this pilot was a nice man so he gets on the mike and says that they’re gonna just dump luggage off and hope that helps. So luggage is gone and plane is still going down. Mr. Nice Pilot doesn’t want to have to choose who to throw off the plane so he says he’ll just go in alphabetical order.

    “A – all African Americans, please jump.”

    Some jump.

    “B – all Blacks please jump”

    And a couple more go.

    “C – all Colored people please jump.”

    And some more go.

    A little black girl in the back nudges mama. “Hey mama, when it is our turn?”

    And mama says right back without batting an eyelash, “Sweetheart, today we’re Shvartzas!”

    #1201708
    Ad Dilo Yada
    Participant

    thanx so much mbachur

    made me feel good

    #1201709
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    My job search (email)

    1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

    but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

    2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,

    but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

    3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,

    but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

    4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,

    but that was too exhausting.

    5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life,

    but just didn’t have the thyme.

    6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,

    but any way I sliced it…. couldn’t cut the mustard.

    7. My best job was a Musician,

    but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

    8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,

    but didn’t have any patience.

    9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.

    Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

    10. I became a Professional Fisherman,

    but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

    11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,

    but the work was just too draining.

    12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,

    but they said I wasn’t fit for the job..

    13. After many years of trying to find steady work,

    I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

    14. My last job was working in Starbucks,

    but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

    15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT

    AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

    #1201710
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    I love this one. Must admit I had to read it twice!

    A friend went to answer a ring on his doorbell at home and was very suprised to find his mother in law standing there. ‘May I stay here for a few days?’ she asked. ‘Of course you can’ he replied and closed the door in her face…

    #1201711
    baron fritz
    Participant

    we all know the story of shlomo hamelech when 2 men came to him arguing who should get treasure found on land sold from one to the other one said the other should get it and vice versa and it says that a woman is a treasure so what were they arguing about… a mother in law each one said the other should get her

    #1201712
    Getzel
    Participant

    shticky

    awsome one

    #1201714
    ronrsr
    Member

    – Stephen Wright.

    #1201716
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Jails and Nursing Homes

    Here’s the way it should be:

    Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

    This would correct two things in one motion:

    – Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

    – They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

    – They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

    – They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

    – Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

    – A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

    – All meals and snacks would be brought to them

    – They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

    – They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education…and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

    – Simple clothing – ie., shoes, slippers, pj’s – and legal aid would be free, upon request.

    – There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

    – Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

    – They would receive daily phone calls.

    – There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

    – The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

    As for the criminals:

    – They would receive cold food.

    – They would be left alone and unsupervised.

    – They would receive showers once a week.

    – They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

    – They would have no hope of ever getting out.

    “Sounds like justice to me!”

    #1201717

    Imanonov- I totally agree!!!

    #1201718
    koillel101
    Member

    @Imanonov

    This is sad!!!

    Why is it in jokes? It is unfortunately true.

    #1201719
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A man went to his lawyer and said “I need to make a will but dont know how to make one”.

    “Dont worry” said the lawyer “just leave it all to me”.

    “What!” said the man. “I knew that you’d want the largest slice but I didnt know that I’d have to leave everything to you!”

    #1201720
    LuvMe
    Member

    a british guy was engaged to an american girl. at the l’chaim/vort, his mother said to go compliment her. he went and told her that she looks like a million pounds! (pounds is british for money)

    #1201721
    Ad Dilo Yada
    Participant

    It’s terrible when u have to explain you joke

    #1201722
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Man: G-d?

    G-d: Yes, my son.

    Man: May I ask you something?

    G-d: Of course.

    Man: What for you is a million years?

    G-d: A second.

    Man: And a million dollars?

    G-d: A penny.

    Man: So can you give me a penny?

    G-d: Sure. In a second.

    #1201723
    tracht gut
    Member

    My husband is the head of the house… but im the neck i can turn whichever way i want!

    #1201724
    Imanonov
    Participant

    A man without a wife is like a neck without pain!

    #1201726
    Imanonov
    Participant

    AN ILLEGAL POEM by Illegal Immigrants.

    I cross river, poor and broke,

    Take bus, see employment folk.

    Nice man treat me good in there,

    Say I need go see Welfare.

    Welfare say, ‘You come no more,

    We send cash right to your door.’

    Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,

    Medicaid it keep you healthy!

    By and by, Got plenty money,

    Thanks to you, TAXPAYER dummy.

    Write to friends in motherland,

    Tell them ‘come, fast as you can’

    They come in buses and Ford trucks,

    I buy big house with welfare bucks.

    They come here, we live together,

    More welfare checks, it gets better!

    Fourteen families, they moving in,

    But neighbor’s patience wearing thin.

    Finally, white guy moves away,

    I buy his house, and then I say,

    ‘Find more aliens for house to rent.’

    In my yard I put a tent.

    Send for family they just trash, ….

    But they, too, draw welfare cash!

    Everything is very good,

    Soon we own whole neighborhood..

    We have hobby, it called breeding,

    Welfare pay for baby feeding.

    Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?

    We get free! We got no bills!

    TAXPAYER crazy! He pay all year,

    To keep welfare running here.

    We think America very good place!

    Much too good for white man race.

    If they no like us, they can go,

    Got lots of room in Mexico.

    SEND THIS TO EVERY TAXPAYER YOU KNOW

    #1201727
    lyyb
    Member

    Once Moishe comes to his Rabbi:

    -Hashem giving me so much problems, i cannot bear it any more…

    The Rabbi answers:

    -You know what it says? Hashem never gives nisayon to a person that the this person cannot bear. So, or you CAn bear it, or this problem IS NOT YOURS!!!

    #1201728
    Imanonov
    Participant

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

    In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…Twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

    P.S. I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

    P.P.S. No one over the age of 65 could drive more than one mile before having to have a grandchild come and restart the car.

    #1201729
    deiyezooger
    Member

    Imanonov; if Microsoft would make cars you would be able to share this joke while multi tasking in your car.

    #1201730
    Getzel
    Participant

    A guy runs into the bar and says, “Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch.” The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. “Wow that’s the fastest I’ve seen anyone drink,” says the bartender. “Well, you’d drink that fast if you had what I had,” The man says “Oh my god,” the bartender says, “What do you have?” The man replies “50 cents.”

    #1201731
    Imanonov
    Participant

    A man phones up a bar owner at his home at 11 o’clock in the morning and asked “what time does the bar open up?”. “5 pm” came the reply.

    An hour later again, the same man slightly drunk, again asked “what time does the bar open up?” “5 pm” was the reply again.

    At 1 pm and at 2pm the fellow phoned again with the same question, each time obviously more drunk than the time before, and again the reply of course was the same.

    At 3pm when he phones again, obviously stone drunk and asks “whad dime hiccup dos de bar hiccup oben ub?” the irritated owner answers “I already told you 4 times, we open up at 5 pm but we will not let you in. You are too drunk!”.

    The reply: ” I don’t hiccup wand to hiccup get in, I hiccup wand to get out!”.

    #1201732
    Getzel
    Participant

    LOL!

    #1201733
    Getzel
    Participant

    This is mostly for the ladies because we as gentlemen are perfect.

    WHY AM I MARRIED?

    You have choices in life:

    You can stay single and be miserable,

    or get married and wish you were dead.


    At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

    ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’

    ‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’


    A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .


    A little boy asked his father,

    ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’

    Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’


    there was a woman who said,

    ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,and by then, it was too late.’


    If you want your spouse to listen and

    pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.


    Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


    First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’

    Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine is still alive..’

    __________

    ‘A Woman’s Prayer:

    Dear hashem, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man ,to like him and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’

    #1201736
    deiyezooger
    Member

    Getzel1; just letting you know I enjoy your jokes, keep them coming!!

    #1201737
    nygal
    Member

    getzel1-LOL!!

    #1201738
    adorable
    Participant

    omg we women rock! LOL they are adorable getzel. where do you pick these up from?

    #1201739
    Getzel
    Participant

    why would u think i don”t make them up? LOL

    #1201740
    on the ball
    Participant

    A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘ Hey – what do you think this is, some kind of joke?’

    #1201741
    msseeker
    Member

    Getzel and Imanonov, your jokes are great! lyyb, that’s a good one, with a very deep message.

    #1201742
    Getzel
    Participant

    Subject: FW: Fw: Chasidic hubbub over NY marriage law

    NEW YORK – In an unusual display of unity, leaders of five Chasidic groups today issued a joint statement in support of proposed state legislation to allow same-sects marriages.

    The groups represented were Belz, Pupa, Satmar, Bobov, and Lubavitch.

    “Of course we want same-sects marriages,” said Rabbi Wurzma Shtreimel, head of the Belz movement. “A Belzer should marry only a Belzer. That makes perfect sense.”

    The other rabbis agreed.

    The rabbis shared concerns about the dilution of their individual groups through inter-sect marriages.

    “The Tanya warns us,” said Rabbi Mendy Pantz of Lubavitch, “If a Lubavitcher marries outside his sect, his children lose half their heritage. His son is not Lubavitch, just Vitch. And his grandson becomes a son of a Vitch.”

    #1201743
    deiyezooger
    Member

    Getzel I almost fall of my chair laughing, keep’m comin.

    #1201744
    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Heard this from a non-reliable source who claimed it was true but I don’t believe it.

    Here is goes.

    An ex-Rabbi is speaking by his good bye party after being fired by the president of the shul for being too Frum:

    There were three things that complained to Hashem that they were being sidelined;

    1. Asher Yotzar,

    2. Aleinu and

    3. Mamzeirim.

    Asher Yotzar complained that it is such an important brocha but people rush through it every morning while half asleep. Hashem decreed that from then on, everyone will say the brocha a few times a day.

    Aleinu complained that people rush through saying it while on their way out of shul and no one has the proper concentration. Hashem decreed that from then on Aleinu will play a major role in the Yomim Noraim davening.

    Mamzeirim complained that they didn’t do anything wrong yet they are punished for life. They can’t marry anyone but another mamzer and they have to carry the shame with them where ever they go. Therefore Hashem decreed that a mamzer should be the president of this very congregation…

    #1201745
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I’ve heard the maaseh, it’s true

    #1201747
    kapusta
    Participant

    This is old. Sorry if its a re-post.

    The Importance of Walking!!

    Walking can add minutes to your life.

    This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional

    5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking

    five miles a day when he was 60.

    Now he’s 97 years old and we

    don’t know where the heck he is.

    I like long walks,

    especially when they are taken

    by people who annoy me.

    I have to walk early in the morning,

    before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

    I joined a health club last year ….

    spent about 400 bucks.

    Haven’t lost a pound.

    Apparently you have to go there.

    Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,

    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    I do have flabby thighs,

    but fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day

    is so when you die, they’ll say,

    ….’Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

    start with a small country.

    I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,……

    ….. just getting over the hill.

    We all get heavier as we get older,

    because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

    *kapusta*

    #1201748
    adorable
    Participant

    I dont get the joke. the guy sounds like hes not so normal. was he talking about himself or the new rav?

    #1201749
    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    He was talking about the president who fired him.

    #1201750
    adorable
    Participant

    LOL!!!!!!!!!

    #1201751
    MiddlePath
    Participant

    Yes, this is a true story, but it wasn’t a shul. It was a yeshiva.

    #1201752
    minyan gal
    Member

    UPHEAVAL IN EGYPT AND ISRAEL HUMOR

    This was posted on Facebook by an Israeli: “Dear Egyptian rioters, please don’t damage the pyramids. We will not rebuild. Thank you.”

    #1201753
    baron fritz
    Participant

    From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

    “Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

    “I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”

    #1201755
    Rainus
    Participant

    You tell a joke to a peasant and he laughs three times: when you tell it; when you explain it; and when he understands it.

    A landowner laughs only twice: when he hears the joke and when you explain it. For he can never understand it.

    #1201756
    Rainus
    Participant

    An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least.

    After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

    “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

    To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

    A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

    “Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

    #1201757
    Rainus
    Participant

    A Jewish man converts to Catholicism, but he still likes his chicken on Friday nights. His priest comes over for dinner, and is surprised that the man is eating chicken instead of fish. The priest asks him about this, and the man asks,”Do you have any holy water with you?”

    “Why do you ask, my son?” says the priest.

    “Well, you sprinkled it on my head, and that made me a Catholic. So sprinkle some on my chicken and it’ll be a fish.”

    #1201758
    Rainus
    Participant

    The Priest meets his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him “You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud.”

    The Rabbi replied: “You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud.”

    But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.

    Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: “I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question.”

    The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi “What is the Question?”

    The Rabbi then said to the Priest: “Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up.”

    “Very Simple,” replied the Priest.

    “The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up.”

    The Rabbi then said to the Priest: “I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.”

    The Priest then says to the Rabbi: “This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question.”

    The Rabbi then says to the Priest: “Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?”

    The Priest then says to the Rabbi: “Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.”

    The Rabbi then says to the Priest: “You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up.”

    The Priest complains to the Rabbi “But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there.”

    The Rabbi then tells the Priest: “I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities.”

    “Alright,” groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. “Let us try once more. Ask me one more question.”

    For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. “Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?”

    “That is very simple!” replied the Priest. “If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up.”

    The Rabbi then says to the Priest: “I told that you will not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?”

    #1201759
    Rainus
    Participant

    A Priest and a Rabbi were talking one day.

    And the conversation eventually turned as it always did, to the Rabbi’s Piety.

    The Priest kept on urging him,”Come on Rabbi, this is the 21st century. Why don’t you lighten up? When are you going to break down and have a ham sandwich?”

    The Rabbi looked at him at length and replied,”At your wedding, Father. At your wedding!”

    #1201760
    Rainus
    Participant

    A dying man called in a rabbi and a priest and tells them he is giving each 1 million dollars but they have to put the money in his grave.

    Two weeks later the man dies, and at the funeral each one puts in the grave a bag with their million dollars.

    After the funeral the priest tells the Rabbi; “you know I have to be honest I only put in $900,000 and kept $100,000 for myself.”

    The Rabbi responds; “how could you break your promise?”

    The priest responds; “you mean to tell me you put in all the money?”

    The Rabbi responds; “yep I wrote a check for every last penny and put it in the grave!!!!!”

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