Jokes

Tagged: , ,

Viewing 50 posts - 901 through 950 (of 2,015 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1201761
    Rainus
    Participant

    Billy Graham went to see the pope in Rome.

    As he was waiting in the

    anteroom, Billy noiticed a red phone.

    As he was ushered in to talk to His

    Holiness, he asked, “What’s the red phone for?”

    “That’s to talk to God,” came the reply.

    “Really!” Reverend Graham gasped. “How much is that call?”

    “Well, it’s $20,000 a minute, but well worth it!” answered the pope. A while later, Mr. Graham went to see the chief rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone.

    “I don’t suppose,” inquired a startled Billy Graham,”that this phone is to talk to God?”

    “Yes, it is!”came the reply.

    “And how much does that cost?” he inquired.

    “Why, it’s twenty cents a minute,” shrugged the chief rabbi.

    “How come so cheap?” Billy asked. “The pope has a phone like that and it costs $20,000 a

    minute!”

    “Well,” grinned the chief rabbi, “From here it’s a LOCAL call!”

    #1201762
    Rainus
    Participant

    A guy buys a new Lamborghini sportscar and goes to his Orthodox

    rabbi to ask him to bless a mezuzah for the car.

    “What is a Lamborghini?” asks the rabbi and when the guy explains, the rabbi says “No way am I

    blessing a mezuzah for such an extravagance!”

    So the guy finds a Conservative rabbi and makes the same request. “What is a Lamborghini?”

    the rabbi asks and hearing the explanation, also refuses to give his blessing.

    So finally the guy goes to a Reform rabbi with his request.

    “Sure!” says the rabbi, “but what’s a mezuzah?”

    #1201763
    Rainus
    Participant

    Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team.

    Unfortunately, they lost race after race.

    They practiced and practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

    Finally, the Rosh Yeshiva decided to send Yankel to spy on the championship Harvard team.

    So Yankel shlepped to Cambridge, hid in the bushes by the Charles River, and watched the Harvard team as they practiced.

    After two weeks Yankel returned to Yeshiva.

    “I have figured out their secret,” he announced.

    “What? Tell us what,” they all wanted to know.

    “We’ve been doing it all exactly backwards! On their team, one guy shouts and the other eight guys row!”

    #1201764
    Rainus
    Participant

    What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

    The Italian – throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.

    The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

    The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee. The Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

    The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

    The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinaman, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

    #1201765
    Rainus
    Participant

    At an American store an old Jewish cashier announces: “We do not sell sour cream to Jews!”.

    His angry supervisor rushes to him and yells: “What are you doing? Are you proclaiming anti-semitism !?!?”

    The old jew answers: “Have you tried this sour cream? it`s inedible!”

    #1201766
    Rainus
    Participant

    A Jew and a non-jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks “Why are you Jews so smart?”

    The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “its because of all the herring we eat.”

    A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.

    The goy asks “how much herring do you have?” and the jew answers “a dozen pieces”.

    “And how much do you want for a piece?”

    “20 kopecks” (a lot of money).

    The man hands the money over and the jew gives him a piece of herring.

    “He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few

    kopecks”.

    To this the jew responds “see… your getting smarter already.”

    #1201767
    baron fritz
    Participant

    Rabbi Levy is having difficulty delivering his usual shabbos sermon. His new bifocals are making him feel extremely dizzy and he keeps on pausing to remove them only to put them on again a few seconds later.

    After five minutes of doing this, he pauses again, looks up from his notes, stares at his congregation, and says to them, “I really must apologize for reading my sermon this morning and for continually removing my glasses. Some of you might have noticed that I’m wearing new glasses and these allow me to see my notes very clearly. But every time I look up at you, I feel absolutely sick.”

    #1201768
    baron fritz
    Participant

    Little Moishie Rosenberg called Rabbi Silverman to come to the hospital and pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

    #1201769
    baron fritz
    Participant

    You Know the Person Next To You Hasn’t Been To Shul In Awhile When You Hear Him Say…

    1. “Hey, my book is backwards.”

    2. “Isn’t it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?”

    3. “What’s with the beanies?”

    4. “Isn’t it funny that one person on the stage has a better singing voice than the other ones.”

    5. “I get the standing and the sitting; when do we kneel?

    6. “Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?”

    7. “Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn’t they know what time it starts?”

    8. “Do a bunch of people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives the sermon?”

    9. “This food after the services is really good, but wouldn’t it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?”

    10. “Hey, I remember this part from ‘Fiddler on the Roof’!”

    #1201770
    baron fritz
    Participant

    Morris and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

    “Well,” said Lenny, “I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi.”

    “Wait a minute,” Morris replied. “Didn’t you read that book I lent you, ‘The Other Side of the Story’, about the command to judge other people favorably? I’ll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving’s behavior.”

    “Yeah, like what?”

    “Maybe he’s sick and needs to go to the hospital.”

    “Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab – he’s healthier than Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

    “Well, maybe his wife’s having a baby.”

    “She had one last week.”

    “Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital.”

    “She’s home.”

    “Well, maybe he’s running to the hospital to get a doctor.”

    “He is a doctor.”

    “Well, maybe he needs supplies from the hospital.”

    “The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction.”

    “Well, maybe he forgot that it’s Shabbos!”

    “Of course he knows it’s Shabbos. Didn’t you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week.”

    “Wow, you’re a really observant! I didn’t even notice he was wearing a tie.”

    “How could you not notice? Didn’t you see how it was stuck on the back fender of the taxi?”

    #1201771
    baron fritz
    Participant

    A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn’t know what to do.

    He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

    The Rabbi says, “Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water’s edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the book out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.”

    The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water’s edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words, which tell him what he has to do.

    Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk.

    The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the Shul in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

    The Rabbi is delighted. He asks him what words in the Chumash brought this good fortune to him.

    The man replies, “Chapter 11.

    #1201772
    baron fritz
    Participant

    Three brothers just got off the boat at Ellis Island from Poland and are questioned by an Immigration Officer, who asks the first, “What is your name?”

    “Beryl” he replies.

    The Officer says, “Beryl? You can’t have a name like that in America. From now on your name is ‘Buck.'”

    He turns to the second brother and says, “What is your name?”

    “Chaiml” he replies.

    “Chaiml? You can’t have a name like that in America. From now on your name will be ‘Chuck!'”

    He then asks the third brother, “And what’s your name?”

    “Schmerl,” he replies, “And I’m going back to Poland!

    #1201773
    baron fritz
    Participant

    Solly Finklestein was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

    He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

    Finklestein was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read MAIN ENTRANCE.

    #1201774
    baron fritz
    Participant

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

    #1201775
    baron fritz
    Participant

    An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

    The CO says, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”

    So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, “How did you do it?”

    “Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab in his tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, ‘Do you want to get a 3 day pass?’The Arab said ‘yes’ so we exchanged tanks!”

    #1201776
    minyan gal
    Member

    Sone urgent information…..PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY.

    Check your shampoo bottle label. I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower!

    When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!)

    printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

    Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved!!! If I don’t answer the phone I’ll be in the shower!!!

    #1201777
    Imanonov
    Participant

    There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

    The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

    The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

    The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

    He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Zukowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.”

    THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

    Someone may come along and promise “Change”,

    but don’t count on things smelling any better.

    #1201778
    koillel101
    Member

    just read the last few posts and I can’t stop laughing. Thanks y’all!!

    #1201779
    baron fritz
    Participant

    imanonov- thats is so funny i really like that

    #1201780
    deiyezooger
    Member

    Funny, but so true!!

    #1201781
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    me to koillel

    #1201782
    adorable
    Participant

    good job guys. and its not even getzel!!!!!!!!

    #1201783
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011, WHEN:

    #1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

    #2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

    #3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

    #4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

    #5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

    #6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

    #7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

    #10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

    #11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

    #12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

    #13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

    #14. You are too busy to notice there was no # 8&9 on this list.

    #15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #8&9 on this list.

    And now you are laughing at yourself.

    So go on, forward this to your friends that you want to be laughing at themselves!

    #1201784
    adorable
    Participant

    got this email 100 times but somehow I always laugh and fall for it again.

    #1201786
    Getzel
    Participant

    first time hearing it ! Lol!!

    #1201787

    The Admou”r meCreedmoor just paskened that “loi saase koil melocho” pertains to all seven days of the week and not just Shabbos.

    You know something is very wrong with your shul when they invite a guest speaker whose credentials include “Recently finished a five-year stint giving the advanced shiur in Otisville Beis Medrash” as an expert lecturer on business ethics.

    What is the best gift to give to Levi Aron and his roommate Bubba to keep their cell warm in the winter? Avrohom Mondrowitz as a throw rug.

    #1201789

    They say that if Amshinover, Breslover and Lubavitcher chassidim would have been at Har Sinai, Klal Yisroel would never have turned to the cheit ha’eigel when the satan showed them Moshe Rabbeinu’s coffin.

    The Amshinover would have said: He’s not late!

    The Breslover would have said: We can deal with a dead Rebbe!

    The Lubavitchers would have said: He’s not dead!

    #1201790
    Pac-Man
    Member
    #1201791

    Pac-Man:

    Now you know why in 19 pages I only posted twice. I don’t know a lot of jokes. From the looks of it, I only know one. And its not terribly funny anymore either.

    #1201792
    deiyezooger
    Member

    Derach I heard it now for the first time and I enjoyed it.

    #1201793
    zichmich
    Member

    The meeting in the synagogue was getting heated. The week of Behar-Bechukosai was approaching,and the curses of the Tochacha and the grusesome details are enough to send a shudder up anyone’s spine, and so, many men are reluctant to be called to the Torah for that portion.

    Someone has to do it, so the job often falls to the Ba’al Korei or the Gabbi.

    But in one particular synagogue, everyone seemed to have had his share of bad luck, and no one wanted the honor. And so the wednesday before the fateful Shabbos a meeting was called. “I will not take the Tochacha this year!” shouted the Gabbi. Two weeks after the previous year’s Aliya it was kaput! And, he added for the curious and equally eager congergants, “I’m not going to elaborate!”

    “It is time we gave it to the Rabbi”

    The Rabbi demurred. “If you look at my contract, it says I get Shlishi every week. The Tochacha is in the fifth aliya, I am exempt” He smiled.

    The shammas stormed up. “Don’t expect me to get called for the Tochacha. I’ts not going to happen. My job is to tidy up the shul and make sure everything is in order. I won’t stand up there and hear the curses of the Tochacha.”

    The men were about to cancel the minyan for that shabbos when an eldery gentleman spoke up in the back. “If you pay me Fifty Dollars, I’ll take the Tochacha.”

    There was silence, and then in unsion all heads nodded. The men have never met this stranger, but he was their salavation. They told him when davening began, and he said he would see them that shabbos.

    Shabbos came, and the chazzan began, but the old man eas not there. It came time to take out the Torah, and he was still not there. the rabbi decided to speak before laining -just to stall a little bit.

    They started reading the Torah -very slowly. It was not until the fourth aliya that the old man burst into the shul, panting. He made it!

    He got his aliya, but as soon as he stepped off the Bimah the gabbi cornered him. “Do You know how much you scared us? Where were you?”

    The old man replied, “You think a Jew can make a living from just one Tochacha?” !!!!!

    #1201794
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    zichmich,

    good one!

    #1201795
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Patient: “Doctor, doctor I’m obsessed with Twitter”

    Doctor: “Sorry I don’t follow you”

    #1201796
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    shticky guy,

    that reminds me of one I made up!

    who was the ultimate twitterer?

    Moshe Rabbeinu (He had 600,000 followers for 40 YEARS

    #1201797
    tracht gut
    Member

    Flying on Obama’s private plane.

    Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, ‘You know, I could throw a

    $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, ‘I could throw ten $100 bills

    out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, ‘That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.. Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,

    “Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the

    window and make 256 million people very happy.’

    #1201798
    baron fritz
    Participant

    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

    “If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

    My mother taught me RELIGION

    “You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet.”

    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

    “If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

    My mother taught me LOGIC

    “Because I said so, that’s why.”

    My mother taught me FORESIGHT

    “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

    My mother taught me IRONY

    “Keep crying and I’ll *give* you something to cry about.”

    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

    “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

    “Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

    My mother taught me about STAMINA

    “You’ll sit there ’till all your spinach is finished.”

    My mother taught me about WEATHER

    “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

    My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

    “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t Exaggerate!!!”

    My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

    “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

    My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION

    “Stop acting like your father!”

    My mother taught me about ENVY

    “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

    THANKS, MUM!

    #1201799
    Getzel
    Participant

    u guys r outdoing me!

    #1201800
    tracht gut
    Member

    Ponderisms

    – Can you cry under water?

    – How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    – Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

    – Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    – What disease did cured ham actually have?

    – How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    – Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

    Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

    If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    #1201801
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    – Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

    it’s put into a fund for those of us that are cents-less

    #1201802
    tracht gut
    Member

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”

    (well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Sainsbury’s peanuts —

    “Warning: contains nuts.”

    (talk about a news flash)

    On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine —

    “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”

    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

    On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding —

    “Product will be hot after heating,”

    (…and you thought????…

    On a Sears hairdryer —

    Do not use while sleeping.

    (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.

    On a bag of Doritos —

    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

    (the shoplifter special)?

    On a bar of Dial soap —

    “Directions: Use like regular soap,”

    (and that would be???….

    On some Swanson frozen dinners —

    “Serving suggestion: Defrost,”

    (but, it’s just a suggestion).

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron —

    “Do not iron clothes on body,”

    (but wouldn’t this save me time)?

    On Nytol Sleep Aid —

    “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

    (..I’m taking this because???…..)

    On most brands of Christmas lights —

    “For indoor or outdoor use only,”

    (as opposed to what)?

    On a Japanese food processor —

    “Not to be used for the other use,”

    (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts —

    “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”

    (Step 3: say what?)

    On a child’s Superman costume —

    “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

    (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

    #1201803
    adorable
    Participant

    tracht- LOL

    #1201804
    Imanonov
    Participant

    addition to Ponderism:

    Do you dream in black-and-white or in color?

    #1201806
    Poster
    Member

    There was this Yid from Brooklyn who decided to go to Russia for a visit. Why not? Must be an interesting place. However when he tried to do some business in the black-market. He was quickly arrested by the police and imprisoned.

    When he was brought before the judge, he was informed that doing business with the black market was a terrible crime to society, since the people suffer from the inability of the government to collect taxes and the punishment was well known, death.

    Although the Yid protested that he was a foreigner, his protest fell on deaf ears. The judge refused to reduce the sentence.

    “The government is trying to stamp out the black market. We have no mercy on people who come here and disregard our laws. However, since you are a foreigner, and we do want to encourage foreigners to come here as tourists and to do business, legally, of course. We want to show the world that the Russian legal system has mercy. Therefore we will allow you three wishes. Any thing that you desire, just ask and you shall be granted them. The only condition is that you can not request to commute your death sentence. After your three wishes have been granted, you will have to pay for your crime.”

    “O.K., if that is what I have left to do with my life, my first request is to go skiing in the Carpathian mountains.”

    “What?” the judge remarked, “skiing? This is the summer! There isn’t any snow now!”

    “Well,” the Yid answered, folding his arms across his chest, “I’m prepared to wait. Because that’s my first wish”

    “Let it be so!” The judge banged his gavel on the desk and called the police. “When the snow falls on the Carpathian Mountains, you are to fetch this Yid and let him ski to his hearts content, from sunrise until sunset. Afterwards he is to be brought to me to complete his sentencing.”

    Six months later the police came to the man’s house and took him up to the most beautiful ski resort high up on the Carpathian Mountains. The Yid skied all day and after night fall the police whisked him to the judge.

    “All right, the state has granted your first wish. What is your second wish?”

    “Well, I always wanted to swim in the Black Sea. That is my second request.”

    “What?! The Black Sea is frozen. It’s winter now!”

    “Well,” the Yid answered, “I’m prepared to wait.”

    “O.K.,” The judge said banging down his gavel, “the police will come to you on a beautiful summer’s day and escort you to the ocean where you will swim to your hearts content from sun rise until sunset. Then you will be brought here to complete the sentencing.”

    On a beautiful summer’s day, the police came to the man’s house and took him to the nicest resort area on the Black Sea. The Yid swam and swam the entire day and then after sunfall, was ushered in front of the judge.

    “The state has kept it’s word. Now you may have your last wish, after which you will be executed! What is it?”

    “Well,” the Yid began, “nothing could please me more than to be buried in a cemetery along side of you.”

    “What?” the judge said, “but I’m not dead yet. How could we do that?”

    “I don’t know, but I’m prepared to wait”

    #1201807
    Poster
    Member

    A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!”

    The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

    #1201808
    Poster
    Member

    A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

    “Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.

    The two Englishmen just stare at him.

    “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?”

    The two continue to stare.

    “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

    “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated.

    The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”

    “Why?” says the other, “That guy knew four languages, and that didn’t do him any good!”

    #1201809
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    True story, but name may have been changed for privacy:

    Dovid was beaming during his son’s bris. Nothing was going to spoil this wonderful day. There was a festive atmosphere. Baby gifts were beginning to pile up. Among the presents was an assortment of stuffed animals.

    Dovid’s dad was dismayed. “You can’t bring treife animals into your house, it’s not good chinuch for the baby,” he kept saying. Dovid just smiled. “A teddy bear is not a yiddishe gift,” continued Dovid’s dad. “A bear is not kosher.” Dovid didn’t reply.

    People began to hush straining to hear the baby’s new name… ????? ??? ???????…

    Dov Ber 🙂

    #1201810
    unclesam
    Member

    Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there,” pointing to the Jewish guy.

    Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and calls to Peter and says, “Thank you.” This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, “Thank you.”

    So Peter says to the barman, “What’s the matter with that guy over there? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except that guy, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is something wrong with him or something?”

    “Not at all,” replies the barman. “He’s the owner.”

    #1201811
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    You people are really funny 🙂

    #1201812
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Subject: The Irish

    ======== =================================

    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

    They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.

    ======== =================================

    The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my mother in law.

    They said, “Is this your mother in law, sir?”

    Shocked, I answered, ” Yes.”

    They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”

    I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality.”

    ================================== =============

    Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.

    The first one picks it up & says, “Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it.”

    The second picks it up & says, “You daft idiot it’s me!”

    ==================================================================

    Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see’s him hanging by his feet.

    “What are you doing?” he asks.

    “Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.

    “It should be round your neck,” says the guard.

    “I tried that,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”

    ===================================================

    Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.

    Paddy picks up a nail, looks at it, then throws it away.

    He carries on doing this until Murphy says, “Why are you throwing them away?”

    “Because they’re upside down,” says Paddy.

    “You daft idiot,” replies Murphy, “save them for the ceiling!!”

    ====================================================

    Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, “I love you.”

    She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”

    He replies, “It’s me… talking to the beer.”

    #1201813
    Getzel
    Participant

    lol

Viewing 50 posts - 901 through 950 (of 2,015 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.