Jokes

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  • #1201814
    adorable
    Participant

    saw that last one in a cartoon. very cute!

    #1201815
    tracht gut
    Member

    We always hear “the rules”

    from the female side.

    Now here are the rules from the male side.

    These are our rules!

    Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

    You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.

    We need it up, you need it down.

    You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon

    or the changing of the tides.

    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.

    Let us be clear on this one:

    Subtle hints do not work!

    Strong hints do not work!

    Obvious hints do not work!

    Jus! t say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

    That’s what we do.

    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.

    See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..

    1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.

    Don’t ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

    Not both.

    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit

    We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.

    1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this.

    Yes! , I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

    #1201816
    tracht gut
    Member

    A blind person once asked: “Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?” The answer is: “Yes, losing your vision!”

    #1201817
    Getzel
    Participant

    ? ???? ??? ? ????”? ????? ??? ???? ???????:

    ????? ??????

    ??? ?????? ??? ????”? ????? ???? “???? ????” (silent), ??? ???????? ??? “?????? ???” (vibrate), ??? ???? ???? ???? “???? ????” ??? ??? ???? ???? ? “??????”, ???? ????? ?? “??? ??? ????? ????”, ????? ?? ????? ?????’? ????? ???? ? ?????

    #1201818
    deiyezooger
    Member

    @Tracht gut, I tought that its only me….

    #1201819
    Imanonov
    Participant

    My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

    Now he’s 97 years old

    and we have no idea where on earth he may be.

    I like long walks,

    especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,

    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

    start with a small country.

    #1201820
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Senior Road Trip

    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

    When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

    By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

    All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute

    To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

    As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old man yelled to her:

    “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

    #1201821
    Imanonov
    Participant

    My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day, and we were stopped behind a car that had an unusual Obama bumper sticker on it.

    It read: “Pray for Obama.. Psalm 109:8”.

    When we got home my wife got out the Bible and opened it up to the scripture.

    She started laughing & laughing. Then she read it to me. I couldn’t believe what it said. I had a good laugh, too.

    Psalm 109:8 ~ “Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward to replace him.”

    Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN?

    #1201822
    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Dentist: Just look at those teeth! Do you ever floss?

    Patient: I stopped a long time ago, it’s a royal pain in the neck.

    Dentist: It sounds like you don’t know how to floss.

    #1201823
    tracht gut
    Member

    Tracht gut, I tought that its only me….

    doing what?

    #1201824
    Cutie
    Member

    Nowadays wherever you go there is airconditioning, at home, in the shops, at work, in the car etc etc etc, so when do you shvitz?

    When the bill comes!!! 🙂

    #1201825
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A wily fox deep in the jungle suddenely noticed a lion about to pounce on him. ‘I’ve had it now’ he thought. Quick as a flash he picked up some old bones lying on the floor and while chewing on them said aloud ‘That was a tasty lion. I wonder where I can find another one because I’m still a little hungry’. When the lion heard that he froze and then ran away trembling. That fox must be a mighty strong fox he thought.

    High up in a tree, a monkey saw what had taken place and raced after the lion to tell him, figuring that the lion would then owe him a favor. But the fox saw him and realised what the monkey was doing. Knowing that he could not outrun a lion, he stayed still.

    Before long, sure enough, he saw the lion come racing back thru the jungle with the monkey riding on his back. The fox simply turned his back and waited until the lion was really close. Then he called out in an annoyed voice…

    … ‘WHERE’S THAT DARN MONKEY? I SENT HIM AGES AGO TO BRING ME ANOTHER LION’…

    #1201826
    Getzel
    Participant

    I thinks that for the 9 days we should close this thread

    #1201827
    kylbdnr
    Member

    HaHa I actually just read this joke in the Community Magazine 🙂

    #1201828
    YW Moderator-42
    Moderator

    “Dude, your child is too spoiled…”

    Sincerely, The Hungry Cannibal

    #1201830
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I thinks that for the 9 days we should close this thread

    one’s not allowed to tailor clothes during the 9 days

    #1201831
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    True story

    The rav of a shul flew away recently on a trip to E”Y during the 3 weeks. This rav is known to speak for hours to his kehilla each year on Tisha b”Av all morning till ????, giving a brief introduction to each ????.

    A concerned congregant asked, “Is the rav going to be back in time for Tisha b’Av?

    The gabbai answered, “Of course! He’s the keynote (kinot ?????) speaker!”

    #1201832
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Evening Prayers

    When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn’t have his head covered, so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.

    Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, “This is important… put your hand back on his head!”

    to which Henry exclaimed,

    “What, am I my brother’s kipah?”

    #1201833
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    imanonov,

    have you been reading the idiot’s guide recently?

    #1201835
    Imanonov
    Participant

    No. (Don’t even know what that is.) But possibly the person who sent them to me did.

    #1201836

    I didn’t read through all twenty pages before posting this so forgive me if it was already posted.

    Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

    Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

    The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

    After 2 hours it was Harry’s turn. He turned to the other two and said “Ok guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

    #1201837

    A boy was in trouble so he had too go to bed early. He got in bed and asked his dad for a glass of water, so his dad brought him a glass.

    Five minutes later the boy called down too his dad, ”can I have another glass of water?”

    So, his dad brought him up one. Five minutes later the boy called back down too his dad saying ”can I have another glass of water?”

    His dad said NO, if you ask me one more time I’m going too come up there and spank you.

    Five minutes later the boy called down, ”on your way up too spank me can you bring me a glass of water?

    #1201838

    In a kindergarten in California, a teacher asks three children what they do after recess. The teacher asks Sally what she did at recess. Sally said she played in the sandbox. The teacher says “If you can spell “sand” on the blackboard, I’ll give you a cookie.” Sally spells Sand gets her cookie.

    The teacher then asks Tim what he did during recess. He said he played in the sandbox with Sally. The teacher says “If you can spell “box” on the blackboard, I’ll give you a cookie.” He spells box and gets his cookie.

    The teacher then asks Mohammad what he did at recess. He said he tried to play with Sally and Tim in the sandbox, but they threw stones at him. The teacher says “That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me. OK, if you can spell “blatant racial discrimination” on the blackboard I’ll give you a cookie”

    #1201839

    A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.”

    “Actually,” said the guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

    “Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?”

    “Yes, indeed. He wrote a check.”

    #1201840
    kapusta
    Participant

    BPG, Lol!

    *kapusta*

    #1201841
    Fast Forward
    Member

    Adult Truths:

    1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

    2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you

    realize you’re wrong.

    3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

    5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

    7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

    10. Bad decisions make good stories.

    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything

    productive for the rest of the day.

    12. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

    13. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

    14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

    15. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

    16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

    17. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

    18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

    19. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

    #1201842
    baron fritz
    Participant

    Leah and her son Jacob are sitting on the roof of their house in Florida watching the flood waters pass their house.

    “Mommy,” says Jacob pointing to the water in front of their house, “something strange is happening. Do you see that kippa? It’s moves downstream for a bit, then it seems to turn around and comes back up. It’s been doing this for some time now.”

    #1201843
    Issur Giyora
    Member

    One day a tiger decided to have some fun so it went up to a monkey and roared,”WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”The monkey is terrified and squeaks,”you o great tiger, you are the mightiest. The tiger then goes up to a deer and roars,”WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”The deer is barely able to speak but manages to say,”you are, o mighty tiger.” Feeling good about itself, the tiger walks up to an elephant and roars,”WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”The elephant picks it up with it’s trunk, slams it on the ground, picks it up again, shakes it until its teeth fall out and slams it into a nearby tree.Slowly the tiger gets up, looks at the elephant and says,”just because you don’t know the answer you don’t have to get so upset.”

    #1201844
    Getzel
    Participant

    FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

    In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

    The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,”Case dismissed!”

    The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays…”

    The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

    The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

    The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.

    Court is adjourned…” You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

    #1201845
    unclesam
    Member

    A 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

    “What’s it about?” he asked.

    “I don’t know,” she replied, “I can’t read.”

    #1201846
    unclesam
    Member

    The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

    “What took you so long son?” he asked.

    “The man waited on everybody in the store before me,” the boy replied. “But I got even.”

    “How?”

    “I wound up and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting,” the youngster explained happily. “It’s going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o’clock.”

    #1201847
    unclesam
    Member

    As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”

    As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

    The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh sir?”

    #1201848
    unclesam
    Member

    One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

    “We don’t do that anymore,” the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. “The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough.”

    “How do you know that,” I asked.

    “Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree,” she said.

    Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

    #1201849
    unclesam
    Member

    “Now Japanese mobile operators (companies) are taking phone sound systems to the next level with stereo-quality songs that can be fully downloaded and edited, as well as surround-sound systems that trick users into hearing a bell ringing behind them or a ball whizzing by.”

    What a genius idea: you hear your cell phone ringing, but can’t tell where the sound is coming from.

    #1201850
    unclesam
    Member

    The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

    A veteran parent of six told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.

    “I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed.”

    #1201851
    unclesam
    Member

    When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.

    “Oh, you’re 4,” said the teacher. “And when will you be 5?”

    The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, “When I hold up the other finger.”

    #1201852
    unclesam
    Member

    Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

    “It’s no use.” Robbie said, “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

    #1201853

    Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

    A. He wanted cold hard cash!

    Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

    A. Cell phones.

    #1201854

    Kids – Excuse Notes

    Excuse Notes (Allegedly Original, including spelling)

    My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

    Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

    Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

    Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

    John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

    Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

    Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

    Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

    I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

    Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

    Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

    Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

    #1201855

    There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

    After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, “Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

    So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.

    It says,” Now there are two”.

    #1201856

    what did shakespear’s bull say when looking for her boyfriend?

    wherefore art thou, rodeo

    #1201857
    bb9650
    Participant

    #1201858
    bb9650
    Participant

    While I was in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name, and suddenly I remembered a muscular and handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name that had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Could he be the same popular guy that everyone liked way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I had serious doubts. This grey-haired, heavy set man with the deeply lined face was just way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lafayette High School in Brooklyn.

    #1201859
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    bb,

    I heard the joke said about blondes

    #1201862
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said “No hables Ingles”.

    #1201863
    zichmich
    Member

    This letter was received by a mother on her vacation from her nineteen-year -old daughter who was keeping house and caring for the younger children while she was gone.

    Dear Mom,

    The kids have been real good and everything is running smoothly so don’t worry about a thing! I”m glad Chava had a tetanus shot a couple months ago so she doesn’t need another one. David’s leg doesn’t bother him much, except he says the stitches itch him a little.

    We had a backyard sale before the accident to help raise money for the emergency.

    At first it looked a little bare without the couch, but we put Shimon’s new alligator cage in the living room and it looks just fine.

    I rearranged the furniture in Leah’s room so the bed would cover the burn marks in the carpet. I”m still trying to get rid of that terrible smell, though.

    Oh, Yes- the plumber said he would be back tomorrow to finish putting in the new toilet. But with all that he did’nt find your rings. The milkman promised me he would’nt sue you but he is sending Papa the hospital bill. I imagine we have insurance for that sort of thing.

    I forgot to put the scissors away this morning. Miriam’s hair looks real cute short. The dog looks a little funny though.

    Mrs Rubin said the new window won’t cost much to replace. She would’nt give Dov’s baseball back, even though I was polite to her.

    You remember that vase your grear-grandmother left you? Well I used the new glue on it and you can hardly see where it was broken.

    We’ll meet you by the airport if the car is repaired by then. If we aren’t there, you’d better take a taxi staight to the courtroom because the trial starts at 2pm. Uncle Abbie says they don’t have a leg to stand on.

    Boy, this job of being a housewife and mother is a snap!

    We all send our love,

    Chani

    #1201864
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Bumper Sticker: Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

    #1201865
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    I needed a password with eight characters in so i picked snow white and the seven dwarfs

    #1201866
    amazingirl97
    Participant

    this is a hilarious joke called

    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

    George Philips, an elderly man from michigan was going up to bed when his wife told him that she left on the lights in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window. george opened the back door to go and turn off the light when he saw people moving in the shed stealing things.

    he phoned the police who asked him, is there anyone in your house?

    George answered no, but there were people moving around in his shed stealing from me.

    then the police dispatcher said ” all patrols are busy. you should lock your doors and windows and a police car will come by when it is available.”

    George said okay thank you very much.

    he hung up the phone and then counted to 30. then he picked up the receiver and dialed the police again.

    “hello i just called a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. but dont worry i shot them and killed them and the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.

    within 5 minutes 6 police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, 2 fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Philips residence, and caught the burglars red handed.

    one of the policemen said to george i thought you said you shot them!

    George answered, I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WAS NOBODY AVAILABLE!!!!

    good joke huh? i heard it from a friend

    #1201867
    whole wheat
    Member

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To get to the other side!!!!!

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