Jokes

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  • #1202599
    Randomex
    Member

    I didn’t think of that joke (or, IIRC, any of those jokes) myself.

    Just thought I’d make that clear.

    (I STILL haven’t gone through most of the newish posts…)

    #1202600
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    “I didn’t think of that joke (or, IIRC, any of those jokes) myself.

    Just thought I’d make that clear.”

    And I didn’t think of any of my responses myself.

    #1202601
    cozimjewish
    Member

    I cant be bothered reading the whole thread, so I apologize if this one has already been said:

    Two blondes were sitting together on a bench. The first blonde turns to her friend and asks, “Which do you think is further away, Florida or the moon?”

    The other blonde rolls her eyes and responds, “Hellooooo, can you SEE Florida?!”

    #1202602
    SayIDidIt™
    Participant

    CIJ, ha ha!

    Non-Jews make Yo Mama jokes.

    Jews make Yo Mama-in-Law jokes.

    #1202603
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Three blondes were discussing their vacation plans. The first wanted to go to California. The others convinced her not to go because there could be an earthquake. The second wanted to go on a cruise, but the other two convinced her that she would probably drown. The third wanted to go to the sun. They pointed out that the sun is too hot, but she told them she planned to go at night. They helped her pack.

    #1202604
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    I had a couple of jokes in other threads which apparently nobody got so I will repost them here:

    1)http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/seminary-vs-sherut-leumi/page/2#post-537600 (the third part)

    2)http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/how-do-you-translate-your-hebrew-name/page/2#post-537424

    #1202605
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant
    #1202606
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant
    #1202607
    Chortkov
    Participant

    A nun walks into a bar.

    The bartender looks up: “Where are the rest of the Aleph Beis?”

    #1202608
    Chortkov
    Participant

    “Rebbe…is it ok for me to go to the opera?”

    “Why do u ask?” asks the Rav.

    “I thought maybe there was an issue of Kol Isha?”

    “Well”, said the Rav thoughtfully. “You aren’t oiver until the fat lady sings!”

    #1202609
    showjoe
    Participant

    from mitt romney:

    Obama goes to a bank to cash a check w/o id. so the teller asks him to prove who he is, saying that just before when golfer Phil Mickelson and tennis player Andre Agassihave had also tried to cash a check w/o id, Mickelson had proven hid identity by hitting a golf ball into a cup, and Agassi by hitting a tennis ball at a target.

    #1202610
    Chortkov
    Participant

    Coffeeroom ages… I think (I can’t be bothered checking!) the same joke is on here somewhere back in the 34 pages about BUSH!

    #1202611
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Randomex:

    So our whole interaction started when you made this joke:

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/good-jokes/page/32#post-535269 and I pointed out that it was at odds with a different version of the joke that had previously been posted:

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/mixed-gym#post-455405

    Well I have to retract my objection because it turns out that there was another version of the joke already posted:

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/worst-joke-contest/page/3#post-334455 , by the same person, which accords with neither of the two other versions, and thus that poster’s versions lose their credibility.

    #1202612
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    What’s the difference between an elephant and a prune?

    #1202613
    Randomex
    Member

    PAA:

    (You need not follow the asterisks. They’re for other readers.)

    Interesting to stumble across this post of yours now – I

    only just now went through Davar Katan’s methods

    of addressing you*! At the time, I assumed each would

    simply be a different variant of your name or initials,

    and didn’t bother going through them. A mistake, of course. 🙂

    (It really is “Sir Patur” now that I’ve knighted you**, eh?)

    “Well I have to retract my objection because it turns out that there was another version of the joke already posted by the same person which accords with neither of the two other versions, and thus that poster’s versions lose their credibility.”

    Well, I think I have to retract my concession of defeat, or at least of unwillingness to continue battle.

    1. The other version had credibility at the time. However, it never had authority (the CR is not generally a source work), so I don’t think there ever was a reason to object to a slightly different version of a joke. In other words, even if it were a

    reasonable expectation for me to have read the “mixed gym” thread version, and even if I had in fact read and remembered it, I would need no justification for posting a different version.

    2. The newly discovered version actually does generally accord with the version I posted, and I appreciate the addition of the word “initial.” (The only major difference between any of them

    is the “experimental error” line, which I don’t care for.)

    Perhaps you can tell me the nature of “the joke […] embedded within the depths of the argument,” as I am unaware of it (I’m not saying that it doesn’t exist).

    ( http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/good-jokes/page/33#post-536736 )

    Speaking of jokes, here’s one from the “soft matzah” thread:

    [popa_bar_abba:] “I read the article by ari & ari

    on soft matza. I won’t say you’re a goy of you eat them.”

    nishtdayngesheft: However, I might call you a cannibal.

    *

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/good-jokes/page/33#post-536875

    The final link was meant to be this, not the same as the fourth:

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/soft-matza-this-pesach#post-518792

    **

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/creative-writing-cr-users-in-real-life#post-541118

    Granted for this:

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/creative-writing-cr-users-in-real-life#post-541101

    A sequel (at least a spiritual one) to this:

    http://theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/good-jokes/page/33#post-536619

    #1202614
    Randomex
    Member

    showjoe:

    The political joke you posted is misleading – only individuals

    known for a particular physical skill can demonstrate their

    identity (to an extent). Supposing Barack Obama had been a smashing

    success as a President – what could he do to prove his identity?

    #1202615
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Acting presidential for once.

    #1202616
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Perhaps you can tell me the nature of “the joke […] embedded within the depths of the argument,” as I am unaware of it (I’m not saying that it doesn’t exist).

    ( http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/good-jokes/page/33#post-536736 )

    I can’t because I also didn’t get it.

    #1202617
    Randomex
    Member

    PAA:

    Not getting a joke doesn’t make you incapable of retelling it,

    and if you were unaware of what the joke itself is, how did you

    know there was a joke there at all?

    Besides, there was more to my post than that one question, and I could say the same thing about some of your other recent responses to me (though not the Ir Miklat one)…

    #1202618
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    I don’t know what the joke is. Retelling it would just mean reposting the words which if you didn’t see the joke the first time, wouldn’t help you.

    Besides, there was more to my post than that one question

    I assume you’re asking me to address the rest of your post.

    and I could say the same thing about some of your other recent responses to me (though not the Ir Miklat one)…

    Not sure what this is about.

    #1202619
    SayIDidIt™
    Participant

    I can’t because I also didn’t get it.

    I don’t know what the joke is.

    So PAA, are you admitting that the discussion you were having, which you claimed is “a real joke which will make people happy/laugh”, did not have anything funny to it (and if it did, you didn’t “get it”)?

    SiDi™

    #1202620
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    So PAA, are you admitting that the discussion you were having, which you claimed is “a real joke which will make people happy/laugh”, did not have anything funny to it (and if it did, you didn’t “get it”)?

    If you replace “and” with “or” then I will admit to the part in parentheses.

    #1202621
    Randomex
    Member

    PAA:

    “I don’t know what the joke is.”

    Then how do you know it exists?

    “reposting the words which if you didn’t see the

    joke the first time, wouldn’t help you.”

    It would tell me the specific location of the joke,

    unless you were to claim that all our posts up to your

    claim that there was a joke were part of the joke.

    (It would certainly not be the first time you’d be

    using an argument that contravenes common sense

    despite being logical. There, I said it.)

    “I assume you’re asking me to address the rest of your post.”

    Correct. And the same goes for the posts you were responding to

    with this

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/your-coffee-room-report-card-comments/page/3#post-541634

    and this

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/chofetz-chaim-yeshivos-1/page/2#post-541679

    – that’s what “I could say the same thing about some of your

    other recent responses” was about, though it wasn’t the best

    phrasing on my part (and they’re not chronologically recent).

    Those responses did not exactly inspire me to put in the effort

    necessary for a “forest animal” thread response…

    #1202622
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Randomex:

    I have now responded in both of those threads. And while we’re on the topic, you owe me about five responses in the creative writing thread (and perhaps in the wizard of oz thread).

    #1202623
    Randomex
    Member

    PAA:

    That leaves this one. I’m sure you’ll get around to it.

    I claim disproportionate retribution (and wall-of-text syndrome)

    in the Ir Miklat thread. I am indeed indebted to you in other cases (though I haven’t read those responses yet), and look forward to repaying you (probably some time tomorrow, though probably not in full at that time). 🙂

    #1202624
    SayIDidIt™
    Participant

    Thanks for killing the Jokes thread. It was VERY funny, PAA. When you figure out the non-existent joke, let us know…

    SiDi™

    #1202625
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    It would tell me the specific location of the joke,

    unless you were to claim that all our posts up to your

    claim that there was a joke were part of the joke.

    Something like that, I think.

    I was going to ask what one is supposed to do when logic and common sense are at odds with each other but then I decided that your post might have only meant that not everything that makes logical sense is common sense but not that something which is common sense could defy logic.

    #1202626
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    SayIDidIt:

    My profusest of apologies (Randomex, I think I just made up another word).

    By the way (SayIDidIt, not Randomex), my response to you from the PROJECT IMPROVE thread can be seen on my profile page since the moderator(s) did not want Freudian Psychology in that thread. But you might have some trouble deciphering it since all the Hebrew letters were converted into question marks.

    That is, by the way, an assumption

    #1202627
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    An assumption supported by the data of at least five attempted postings. But you’re right; it could be that the Moderator was fine with Freudian Psychology and just doesn’t like Patur Aval Assur.

    I’m not sure how you determined that those were the only two factors. :-/

    #1202628
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    That was the closest I’ve ever come to using an emoticon. I actually put one in but I just couldn’t bear it so I deleted it.

    Which emoticon?

    #1202629
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Is there one that means that what I said was actually serious but I don’t want the moderators to get insulted so I put in an emoticon? (You can read this post with an emoticon too if you so desire.)

    #1202630
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    I’m not sure how you determined that those were the only two factors. :-/

    There was a third factor (which I in fact mentioned there) but the Hebrew translation was supposed to get around that factor.

    #1202631
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Just to clarify:

    Even though I’m serious, I’m joking around so don’t take it personally.

    #1202632
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”

    Witness: “Yes sir.”

    Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”

    Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”

    Witness: “I could see his head.”

    Lawyer: “And where was his head?”

    Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”

    #1202633
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    In honor of all the seminary threads:

    Q. What’s the difference between B’nos Sarah and B’nos Chavah?

    A. B’nos Chavah accepts non-Jews too. (According to Popa, they both accept non-Jews but ??????? ????? the Gemara in Avodah Zara 27a.)

    #1202634

    the police decide that they are going to do the opposite of what they usually do and stand at a check point in order to pull over a perfect driver and give him $1000. they stand and wait and finally they see 1 driver driving within the speed limit, not on his cell phone, both hands on the steering wheel…..and decide this is their man. they pull him over and inform him that this is his lucky day. while writing out the check they ask him what he plans on doing with the $.

    “you know,” he says, “ive always wanted a drivers license! i think im going to invest in getting myself one!

    just then his wife jumps up and says “oh officer, he has no idea what hes talking about! hes drunk!!

    then a man pipes up from the back seat “thats nonsense! he would never have stolen this car if he was drunk!!

    at this point the police think they have heard it all when a kid pops out of the trunk and calls “hey r we over the boarder yet?!

    #1202636
    STYLE123
    Member

    Black Friday:

    because only in America people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have

    #1202637
    STYLE123
    Member

    Why did god create man b4 women?

    because before the final copy you always need a rough draft:)

    #1202638
    STYLE123
    Member

    Children Are Quick

    TEACHER: Why are you late?

    STUDENT: Cause class started before I got here.


    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

    MARIA: Here it is.

    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

    CLASS: Maria.


    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

    TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    (I Love this child)


    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

    TEACHER: What are you talking about?

    DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.


    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

    WINNIE: Me!


    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

    GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.


    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘

    MILLIE: I is..

    TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

    MILLIE: Oh, All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’


    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..


    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

    SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook. (LOL!)


    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?

    CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

    (I want to adopt this kid!!!)


    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

    HAROLD: A teacher

    #1202639
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Chronicle Moderations

    Glad somebody caught that

    #1202640
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant
    #1202641
    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    Glad somebody caught that

    Anytime.

    #1202642
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant
    #1202643
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yells a driver as he speeds by.

    Suddenly, from around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

    “Do you think,” says one eccentric to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

    #1202644
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    The dog is out. Please bark at yourself.

    #1202647

    A man who drinks a cup of zektz un neintzig (96% alcohol spirits, for the uninitiated) every day comes to the doctor at the age of seventy. The doctor tells him he has water in his lungs. He says “Ach, I knew that four percent would kill me!”.

    A man walls out of the bar drunk, which a bottle of shnapps in his pocket. He trips and falls. He reaches to his leg and feels that his pocket is wet. He says, “I hope that’s blood”.

    Any other kiddush club classics?

    #1202649
    Rema711
    Member

    Once when LBJ was president he went to a shul on Shabbos and asked a yid there what was his favorite part of service the yid respond J.F.K. Just For Kiddush

    #1202650

    The president once asked one of his Jewish advisers how the Jews knoweverything that’s going on. The Jew said “Come to the mikvah Friday afternoon and you’ll see for yourself”. On Friday afternoon, the president dressed up likeayid with full regalia. He asked the first Jew there “So nu, what’s the news?”. The guy answered, “Didn’t you hear? The president is coming to the mikvah!”

    #1202652
    A jew who cares
    Participant

    What’s the difference between a shlemazel, a shlemiel and a nudnik?

    Shlemazel spills the soup, Shlemiel gets it over his trousers and then the nudnik asks ‘was it chicken or veg?’

    #1202653
    vustutz
    Member

    The past present and future walk in to the bar it was tense

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