Jokes

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  • #1200996
    smartcookie
    Member

    Lol. Cute. That should go in the things kids say thread.

    Hey, mybe we should revive that thread a bit…

    #1200997
    anon for this
    Participant

    smartcookie, you may be right. But I’d guess some people already know it, and there aren’t that many geeky jokes to begin with, so I thought I’d mention it.

    But that reminds me of another joke that is postable:

    This guy is listening to a group of people chatting and laughing. They are enjoying themselves so much that he listen in and realizes that they aren’t having an actual conversation. Instead, one person calls out “number 9” and everyone laughs, then as soon as they stop laughing another person calls out “number 32” and they all crack up again. So the guy asks one of the group what’s going on, and he says, “We’re such old friends that we already know each others jokes, so we just refer to them by number instead of telling the whole joke.”

    The eavesdropper is fascinated by this & decides to join in. At the next lull in the laughter, he calls, “number 9”, but to his disappointment only a few people laugh. When he asks what he did wrong, he’s told, “You didn’t tell it right.”

    #1200998

    Three statisticians went bow hunting for deer.

    After a fruitless half day of searching they came upon a 10-point buck standing about a hundred yards away across a river.

    (source: readers digest)

    #1200999
    potpie
    Member

    anon for this: There is another ending for your joke. It goes like this:

    This guy is listening to a group of people chatting and laughing. They are enjoying themselves so much that he listen in and realizes that they aren’t having an actual conversation. Instead, one person calls out “number 9” and everyone laughs, then as soon as they stop laughing another person calls out “number 32” and they all crack up again. So the guy asks one of the group what’s going on, and he says, “We’re such old friends that we already know each others jokes, so we just refer to them by number instead of telling the whole joke.”

    Suddenly one man calls out “77” and everyone starts laughing as if there is no tomorrow. The eavesdropper turns to someone in the group, and asks, why is everyone laughing so hard at this joke? The member replies, “dis one? dis one we haven’t heard yet.”

    #1201000
    HaQer
    Member

    Q: Why do we have Parshas Zachor and not Parshas Nikeiva?

    A: We do have Parshas Nikeiva, we just call it Parshas Parah!

    #1201001
    oomis
    Participant

    HaQer – oh boy, did you ever just open a can of worms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    #1201002
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    I haven’t read through the entire thread, so if this one’s here, please forgive me.

    Two middle-aged men, Shmuel and Aaron, are learning together in the Beis Midrash. When they come to a break, Shmuel says:

    “You know, my daughter is getting married next month. We’ve been learning together for years, and so I’d like to honor you with being one of the witnesses at the ceremony.”

    At this, Aaron looks a little embarrased and says: “I’m sorry to do this to you, Shumuel, but, well, I’m afraid I have to turn you down. You see, well, I’m actually not Jewish can can’t serve as a witness.”

    “What do you mean you’re not Jewish?” asks Shmuel. “We’ve been learning together for years. How can it be that you’re not Jewish?”

    “Well,” answers Aaron, “I’ve always found the learning to be a great intellectual exercise. And, of course, I also like spending time with you. But, in the end, I’m still not Jewish.”

    “But hold on,” Shumuel protested. “I’ve seen you keep Shabbos. You know that a non-Jew isn’t allowed to keep Shabbos.”

    “Ah,” replied Aaron serenly, “you only *thought* you saw me keep Shabbos. The truth of the matter is that I always kept a key in my pocket when I walked outside. This way I always carried on Shabbos.”

    “But there’s an eruv!” said Shmuel.

    “Yes,” countered Aaron, “but I don’t hold of the eruv.”

    The Wolf

    #1201004
    haros
    Participant

    hi. i dont the room that much to know if the following is appropriate or not but ill try.

    the ACAdemy awards just took place and Christoph Waltz just won. so in the interviews its been said that he has a charadi son in eretz yisroel. does anyone know him or where he learns?

    Not really appropriate for the “Jokes” thread. Try “General Shmooze 3.”

    #1201005
    checkmate 27
    Member

    1.Wasn’t the world normal when blackberry & apple where just fruit’s LOL

    2.VAAD HARABUNIM, URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT: Dont forget evry morning between purim & pesach to make the brucha HANOISEIN L’U WIFE KOACH with big kavuna

    #1201007
    smartcookie
    Member

    Aha…and I was wondering why they raised my taxes…I couldn’t imagine what they’re doin’ with all that $…

    #1201008
    d a
    Member

    anon for this and potpie: The joke about the numbers, I just saw it in a true book!

    Triangle of Despair Circle of Hope by Yaffa Farbstein

    It says that story that it happened to two people in the story.

    #1201009
    Getzel
    Participant

    It’s the yahrtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum’s death and his

    widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer

    over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show

    that the deceased is remembered.

    She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since

    she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman’s grave

    site. Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a

    small chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Pouring

    over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says,

    “I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried

    here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum.”

    “That’s him!” she exclaims. “He always put everything in

    my name.”

    #1201010
    Getzel
    Participant

    Do you speak Yiddish

    A man asks a passerby, “Do you speak Yiddish?”

    The man shakes his head.

    He asks a second man, but gets no answer.

    He stops a third man. “Do you speak Yiddish?”

    “Of course.”

    “Please, vat time is it?”

    #1201012
    chofetzchaim
    Member

    The most suspicious thing about the attempted bombing in Manhattan, was that the driver found a parking spot.

    #1201013
    Getzel
    Participant

    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

    Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

    #1201014
    potpie
    Member

    An Arab guy needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

    Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.

    Finally, a Jewish man was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab guy.

    After the surgery, the Arab guy sent the Jewish man a thank you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

    Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.

    His doctors called the Jewish man, who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jewish man a thank you card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.

    The Jewish man was shocked to see that this time the Arab did not acknowledge his kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time.

    So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.

    The Arab man replied :

    “Ya habibi !!,

    I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?

    #1201015
    smartcookie
    Member

    ??With all the computer lingo lately like- LOL OMG TTYL HOW R YOU, I asked someone if she’ll be going to shul this Shabbos to which she replied, JFK(just for kiddush)!

    #1201016
    d a
    Member

    getzel1: snopes.com says that your story is False.

    Sorry.

    #1201017
    smartcookie
    Member

    D a, that’s why its in the “jokes” thread.

    #1201018
    d a
    Member

    #1201019
    kapusta
    Participant

    but, hey, d a, all Ford air conditioners do say Low, Norm, Hi, and Max…

    *kapusta*

    #1201020
    anonymisss
    Participant

    kapusta,

    The story was created around that fact, doesn’t mean the story is true

    ~a~

    #1201021
    potpie
    Member

    A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”The Hasidic Jew replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

    #1201022
    kapusta
    Participant

    anonymisss, that really you?! A face from the past!! and hey, a joke is a joke and thats that. Long as its good, who cares??

    *kapusta*

    #1201023
    tomim tihye
    Member

    The KGB knocks on Shmerel’s door and says: “We know you have 200 pounds of gold. Hand it over!”

    Shmerel calls to his wife, “Sarah, my golden one, they came for you!”

    #1201024
    tomim tihye
    Member

    A Jew is in Germany. He stops a local and asks “Tell me, do you like Jews?” The local says, “Of course I like Jews!”

    The Jew says thank you and walks on. He stops another local and repeats the question. This German also says he likes Jews.

    The Jew says thank you and walks on. He stops a third local and repeats the question: “Do you like Jews?” The guy begins cursing the Jews.

    The Jew interrupts him, “Can you please watch my suitcase for five minutes?”

    #1201025
    d a
    Member

    tomim tihye, the first one was very good. However, I didn’t really get the second one.

    #1201026

    The last guy was the only honest one.

    #1201027
    d a
    Member

    I chap, but I’m sorry, I wouldn’t leave my suitcase with an honest German who hates me!!!

    #1201028

    While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Chaim and his wife Shira listened to the instructor declare, “It’s essential that husbands and wives are aware of the things that are important to each other.”

    He addressed the men, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

    Chaim leaned over to his wife and asked in a whisper, “Kemach

    All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

    The rest of the story is not pleasant…

    #1201029

    Super Bowl Ticket

    A man had front row, 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No,” he says, “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?” He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1987.” “Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No, they’re all at her funeral.”

    #1201030
    tomim tihye
    Member

    d a – agree!

    chol…shke (forgive me for not spelling it out- too nauseated):

    Aha, so you’re the unrecognized name on our caller ID: “Kishke Kugel”.

    #1201031

    tomim tihye – no, caller ID comes up as TUMS!!

    #1201032

    The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”

    The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”

    The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”

    The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”

    The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”

    The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

    #1201034
    Imanonov
    Participant

    PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir

    Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    9. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head..’

    10. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    12. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small

    medium at large.

    13. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    14. A backward poet writes inverse.

    15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    #1201035
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Did you hear about the boy and girl who were happily engaged, until she found out that he had a wooden leg. She broke it off!

    #1201036
    d a
    Member

    Imanonov, you made me laugh! Thanks!

    #1201037
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Irving

    the Jewish Dog

    Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, ‘My dog has a problem.’

    Dr. Saul says, ‘So, tell me about the dog and the problem.’

    ‘It’s a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,’ says Morty.

    ‘He can talk?’ the doubting doctor asks.

    ‘Watch this!’ Morty points to the dog and commands: ‘ Irving , Fetch!’

    Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, ‘So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this disgusting food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a short walk around the garden, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!’

    Dr. Saul is amazed, ‘This is remarkable! So, what’s the problem?’

    Morty says, ‘He has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch,’ not ‘Kvetch.”

    #1201038
    Imanonov
    Participant

    SOME MORE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

    Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

    Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

    We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

    The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

    The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

    A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

    A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

    You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

    He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

    A calendar’s days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

    A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine

    When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Acupuncture: a jab well done.

    #1201039
    Imanonov
    Participant

    First Jewish Woman President

    The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.

    She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration.

    “I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again.”

    “Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

    “I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?”

    “Oh Mom” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York “

    “Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat the fancy foods that you and your friends like to eat.”

    The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York! , kosher all the way. Please, Mom, I really want you to come.”

    So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.

    In the front row sits the new president’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

    “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?”

    The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”

    Says Mom proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.”

    #1201040
    smartcookie
    Member

    Imanonov- I love those puns!

    #1201041
    d a
    Member

    Imanonov, they are very good. But the President one could work for the first Jewish President (male or female), no?

    #1201042
    anonymisss
    Participant

    kapusta,

    yes, it’s really me!

    ~a~

    #1201043
    gingey158
    Member

    great puns keep it up!!

    #1201044
    d a
    Member

    A cop pulls up to the scene of a crash. He sees a car smashed into a tree. Running to the driver, he asks, “Are you badly injured?” The man replied, “I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer!”

    #1201045
    cb1
    Member

    I saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So I went in and applied for the job.

    #1201046
    emoticon613
    Member

    One fine Shabbos morning, one bee says to the other, “i’m really hungry.”

    to which the other replied, “Schwartz down the block is having a kiddush, go check it out.” so the first bee flies off down the block.

    Half hour later, he comes back licking his lips. “Thanks buddy, that was a really great idea.”

    the other bee looks at him funny and asks, “Yo, what’s on your head – a kippa??”

    the first bee retorts –

    “i didn’t want anyone mistaking me for a WASP.”

    #1201047
    goody613
    Member

    dont get it

    #1201048
    HIE
    Participant

    Lol

    #1201049
    cb1
    Member

    Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”

    Patient:

    “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”

    Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”

    Patient:

    “24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”

    Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

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