shidduchim and weight…..
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- This topic has 258 replies, 81 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by Bustercrown.
April 17, 2011 10:20 pm at 10:20 pm #906628SacrilegeMember
“i really think that the people who are making the biggest deal are not the guy’s, but rather their mothers.”
That I agree w. And I would like to add the Shadchanim, who think that you are not marriage material because you are a size 14. But, this comes from somewhere after all, they are only the middle men catering to their client.April 17, 2011 10:29 pm at 10:29 pm #906629
Nah, I think it is the guys, not the mothers, not the shadchanim.
The mothers are the ones making big deals about everything else.April 17, 2011 10:30 pm at 10:30 pm #906630
i agree with you sac about the shadchanim!April 17, 2011 10:32 pm at 10:32 pm #906631
I agree that the idea probably originates with the mothers, but the mothers are the ones who make their sons believe that anything above a size 6 is not worthy of a date, let alone marriage! And the sons actually do end up believing this, and demanding it as well. It does come from the mother, though the sons are not blame-less. A man who is ready for marriage is ready to think for himself as well, and doesn’t have to swallow everything his mother force feeds him. Show a little backbone!April 17, 2011 10:33 pm at 10:33 pm #906632
pba: do you really believe this, or does this belong to your other thread?
ever hear of the story of the boy who cried wolf? 😉 now, i don’t know when you’re serious or not.April 17, 2011 10:35 pm at 10:35 pm #906633
bina: I said on that thread that my hashkafa is also what I believe.
My stories are made up.
Mods, please adjust my subtitleApril 17, 2011 10:35 pm at 10:35 pm #906634His Royal HighnessMember
I have a solution. I think the girls should all boycott marrying the boys. That ought to set those nasty mom’s straight when they all realize there’s no one for their son’s to marry!April 17, 2011 10:38 pm at 10:38 pm #906635
Really. It is not the mother’s fault. This is coming straight from the guys.
Ask your brother. (Blast that! Ask your father!)April 17, 2011 10:41 pm at 10:41 pm #906636
Asking my brother would not give you your desired answer. My brothers did not marry a size 2, probably because my mother does not put emphasis on insignificant things like thatApril 17, 2011 10:43 pm at 10:43 pm #906637
My brothers did not marry a size 2
Of course not. Size 4. We wouldn’t want to be too into externals.April 18, 2011 12:09 am at 12:09 am #906638
“Of course not. Size 4.”
actually far from it. Would you like their BMI’s while we are at it?April 18, 2011 12:32 am at 12:32 am #906639
Young Man: She’s a size minus 2.April 18, 2011 2:05 am at 2:05 am #906640dunnoMember
Where was anyone discussing selling themselves?April 18, 2011 3:22 am at 3:22 am #906641
“Young Man: She’s a size minus 2. “
now she will be a better wife and mom. cuz shes a size minus 2. and she will make better dinners and clean the house better. cuz she is a size minus 2. and she will also do the laundry better. cuz she is a size minus 2. she will change diapers better. cuz she is a size minus 2. she will take care of crying kids better. cuz she is a size minus 2. sick.April 18, 2011 3:42 am at 3:42 am #906642
Young Man: She’s a size minus 2
I’ve heard said in jest. At the same time the guy was making fun of the girls who want a “comfortable” (=ostentatious) lifestyle provided by a guy who davens, learns and does chesed 36 hours a day.
Both attitudes equal out.April 18, 2011 3:47 am at 3:47 am #906643
I love the holy land: As TruthBTold mentioned, it was indeed said in jest, by a young man who is not looking for a minus two.April 18, 2011 4:10 am at 4:10 am #906644
lol, pascha, i get that now….sorry! hours of pesach cleaning and cooking are taking their toll……April 18, 2011 7:23 am at 7:23 am #906645
girls (young ladies?) going out – ignore those guys who are only interested in a size 2 or 4; there are many other guys out there who truly don’t care (i’m not saying, not to put on makeup and dressing nicely, etc.), but the weight thing is really not for everyone such a big deal. a lot of guys truly don’t care, and you’ll marry one of those.
and no, pba, my brothers did not care – though i think all of my sisters-in-law are cute and/or attractive.
but, i think that me and my sisters are too much into caring about our weights. Boruch Hashem, my husband tells me all the time that he truly doesn’t care how much i gain (i won’t become obese) – i’m the one that it bothers. i’m the one so affected by our secular “education”.
i have a friend who was always over-weight. she divorced a guy who was abusive to her, but she said – her weight never bothered him nor her current husband. and she also was dieting her whole life, trying to lose weight.
so, no, pba, not everyone agrees with you.April 18, 2011 10:34 am at 10:34 am #906646welldressed007Participant
Sheker Ha’chain ve’hevel Ha’yofi or so we say everything Friday night, for those of us who do so say it, understand it, believe in it, Hi Tishalal. Emunah Peshuta is not from the mouth, but from the heart. H-shem listens to our tefilos more clearly when we cry and daven from the heart. Sincerity is measured very carefully by the Ribbono Shel Olam. If you present or feel negatively about yourself others will definitely perceive you as such. The perception of others concerning you remember is dependent on you.April 18, 2011 6:00 pm at 6:00 pm #906647chickpeaMember
for all u chubbies out there, when u get married u need to have alot of energy for your kids and running a household, if ur more gezunt its alittle eaiser cuz u have more strengh then a bony scrawney girl who cant lift a toothpick!April 18, 2011 7:22 pm at 7:22 pm #906648chickpeaMember
imchickpea-im just saying that a person lugging around extra weight is gonna have a hard time running after kids…its harder to be active when a person is heavy!April 18, 2011 8:36 pm at 8:36 pm #906649Patur Aval AssurParticipant
why is this being made into such a big deal/April 20, 2011 11:18 pm at 11:18 pm #906650
I don’t know the first thing about girls sizes. Nor do I care. Besides, as mentioned previously, it all depends on the build and how it all comes together. That being said, I am not into fat girls (forget politically correct- overweight). Therefore, I would not ask a fat girl out. If someone tried to set me up I would not go out with her if I saw her and wasn’t into the look. On the same token, I would not go out with a stupid girl or a JAP (same thing really) or any girl who attended a BJJ style seminary (I’m not into the whole regurgitating the teacher’s words thing). Some people like all those mentioned above. I have a friend who likes fat girls. All the future long time learners need word regurgitators to support them. That football player/yeshiva bachur wants a trophy JAP wife. But don’t get all in my face about not wanting what I don’t want. And for all those fat girls out there, Unless you have a thyroid issue or something similar, do something. Start running, exercising. That doesn’t include the “powerwalking” which probably amounts to a 1/10 of the exercise of running. Run 3 miles a day for a couple of months and maybe eat a little better and you might start to look more attractive to the majority of men I know.
END OF RANTApril 21, 2011 2:14 am at 2:14 am #906651shlishiMember
ive noticed usually the same people who humiliate “fat girls” (see above “rant”) also attack yeshiva girls (same post).April 21, 2011 2:50 am at 2:50 am #906653
Fact: Most guys want girls who are attractive and not excessively overweight, whether the guys are familiar with sizes or not.
Fact: Girls in frum High Schools and Seminaries are fed “Sheker Hachain v Hevel Hayofee, Isha Yiras Hashem Hi Tshallal”. Watching one’s weight and focus on appearance and being attractive to the opposite gender, is rarely or never encouraged.
Fact: Many of the real emesdik type girls, when in Shidduchim, get the rude awakening that what they were taught in High School and Seminary is far from reality. Girls discover that Gashmius figures much larger in their lives than what they expected (based on what they were taught in Seminary).
Fact: Problems and huge disappointments result for many.April 21, 2011 3:55 am at 3:55 am #906654shlishiMember
OfCourse: Perhaps gashmius figures as the largest portion of your life and worldview. Nevertheless, for many, ruchniyus is what truly counts, including – and in fact most importantly – in shidduchim. By those folks all your ‘facts’ are in fact fictions.April 21, 2011 4:01 am at 4:01 am #906655
ive noticed usually the same people who humiliate “fat girls” (see above “rant”) also attack yeshiva girls (same post).April 21, 2011 4:04 am at 4:04 am #906656
It’s not worthwhile attacking what our good schools teach. What’s the famous parable with the medication?April 21, 2011 4:26 am at 4:26 am #906657pet peeveMember
why can’t we just say:
Girls, try your absolute best to look healthy and attractive, including doing what is necessary to lose unhealthy and excessive weight. Guys, do your absolute best to look beyond the physical in its purest sense, and get to see and know the beauty that lies within–you just may be pleasantly surprised at what you find.
disclaimer: this is assuming both the girls and the guys are being reasonable and realistic in their perception of beauty/attraction, and there is an understanding of human tevah, especially in reference to males.
and then can we PLEASE stop discussing women like this. especially when they are so degradingly called “fat girls”. uuuggghh.April 21, 2011 6:24 am at 6:24 am #906658
shlishi, By those folks all your ‘facts’ are in fact fictions. Halevei! And may Ruchnius keep on overtaking and eliminating Gashmius in everyone’s minds and hearts and behavior.April 21, 2011 6:36 am at 6:36 am #906659HealthParticipant
I can’t understand why the girls on this post are sick over the fact that a lot of guys want skinny girls. If you’re a girl who is overweight just accept this fact and go out with fat guys. Very few fat guys demand skinny girls. Stop with the double standard; noone goes for that kind of manipulation.April 21, 2011 6:51 am at 6:51 am #906660fedex11204Member
I personally am disgusted by overweight people be they man or woman. It shows recklessness on their behalf and if they are not responsible about their health which is of optimal importance who is to say they will be responsible of other endeavors. I don’t want to be involved with someone who shows such a lack of discipline ..and if I bust my you know what to be fit and healthy I can expect the same from my future wife.April 21, 2011 7:05 am at 7:05 am #906661CTOMember
ilovetheholyland and cofeefan: I’m really sorry you had these experiences. Everyone is entitled to their preferences but I think its completely unacceptable for a guy to tell off a girl for looks/weight! I don’t usually like to give musser to others but if you’re a guy and you’ve done this before, next time show some sensitivity and make something up!!! You know girls take looks very personally, just as you may take you’re level of intelligence/level of learning/etc very seriously as well! And for the life of me I don’t understand why the shadchan would pass that on the the girl! Also-make something up!
And while on the topic of looks, I would like to say as a guy who often gets pictures I have found them to be misleading in 75% of the time, probably half for the better and half for the worst. Personally if I see that the girl looks at least OK in the picture I don’t give that area any more thought as most people look different in real life. That being said, I do think girls should do their hishtadlus in this area and if you’re in circles that give out pictures- make sure they’re really good- have a male relative pick them out or something.April 21, 2011 7:46 am at 7:46 am #906662
Sorry about attacking bais yaakov seminary girls. I just had a bad experience by the seder where the grandfather leading the seder kept trying to stimulate a discussion on the hagada but they couldn’t seem to come up with anything original (or much of anything) to say. These were seemingly smart girls who kept mentioning how much tanach they learn. It was only the non bais yaakov seminary girls who actually came up with smart things to say. For each their own but I don’t want one of those.April 21, 2011 1:37 pm at 1:37 pm #906663
Two random thoughts:
Overweight guys dont necessarily want to date overweight girls.
Overweight girls in some people’s minds is anything over a size 6. Overweight for guys means more than 50 pounds overweight, not 10 or 20 pounds. Theres a different standard for the definition of overweight for guys and girls.
The ememsdik girls are very sensitive to this and hurt by the above 2 facts.April 21, 2011 1:53 pm at 1:53 pm #906664dunnoMember
Not at all telling you who to go out with but just know that there are exceptions in every semApril 21, 2011 2:23 pm at 2:23 pm #906665
“Very few fat guys demand skinny girls.”
unfortunately i find this to be a very untrue statement.April 21, 2011 2:30 pm at 2:30 pm #906666
“I personally am disgusted by overweight people be they man or woman. It shows recklessness on their behalf and if they are not responsible about their health which is of optimal importance who is to say they will be responsible of other endeavors. I don’t want to be involved with someone who shows such a lack of discipline ..and if I bust my you know what to be fit and healthy I can expect the same from my future wife.”
i can tell you from my personal experiance, that it has NOTHING to do with lack of discipline…..at least in my case. i have a thyroid issue and before i got it under control (which now it is, bh…) i was told by a dr. who specializes in this field that i could have been dieting to no end, (which i was…) could have been excersizing my brains out, and nothing would have helped. so before u go bashing all overweight ppl saying that they have no self discipline, or as u said, “being disgusted by them” just know that in many cases there are other factors, not just eating to much….(btw, im a very picky eater!)April 21, 2011 4:10 pm at 4:10 pm #906667cofeefanMember
this thread makes me sick. and i am very very sorry i ever posted on it. we are yidden. Hashem wants us to love each and every person that He created. He created some that are bigger than others. Hashem would be so disappointed in us. how can yiddden who are born with tzelem Elokim be acting as goyim would? speaking abt other yiiden like this? let me clue you in on something you may have all forgotten: behind every “fat person” there is a heart and soul with feelings! you DONT have to be atttracted to them NOT AT ALL!!! you dont even have to think they’re pretty (which btw every person is pretty in their own way….) but you have NO RIGHT to judge them. you are no better than they are just becasue you can fit into the worlds ideals.i have been extremely hurt when reading this thread and
i am ashamed to be a part of a thread that would forget that fat people are people too.
that being said. i want to give a brocha to all those with the need for a beautiful girl both n the CR and out in the world. (and i mean this FULL heartiedly and NO sarcasm at all. this is a real brocha)
may all of you who need to find shidduchim find tehm soon and find someone who lives up to your expectations and doesnt disappoint you in any way. be it with weight or anything else. may you find true happiness in your life with whatever you need. that goes for anyone who doesnt need a shidduch as well.April 21, 2011 5:21 pm at 5:21 pm #906668HealthParticipant
“unfortunately i find this to be a very untrue statement.”
If you find all the fat guys want skinny girls, time to look in different cirles. The circles that you are in aren’t realistic people. Why would a fat guy “demand” a skinny girl? Want yea, but demand, unh-uh/no way!April 21, 2011 5:51 pm at 5:51 pm #906669fedex11204Member
let me tell you I too have a thyroid problem and an incredibly slow metabolism so does that mean I should wallow in self pity and accept my face..the answer is no. I just have to extra careful and have to bust my you know what to be in shape . I run 30 miles a week and believe me on weeks that I don’t I gain weight, that’s how unforgiving my body is to me and yet I am am fit.April 21, 2011 9:28 pm at 9:28 pm #906670
Yeah those are even “better”. Those “non typical” bais yaakov girls.April 22, 2011 12:47 am at 12:47 am #906671
“let me tell you I too have a thyroid problem and an incredibly slow metabolism so does that mean I should wallow in self pity and accept my face..the answer is no.”
first of all, i dont considar myself to be wallowing in self pity. and anyway, assuming you meant accept my fate, (i should hope u accept ur face..) it would mean wallowing in self pity should i choose NOT to accept it. i would always want to be what im not. that is not to say that i just sit back and let whatever happens happen. i too work like crazy, spend thousands of dollars in treatments, and excersise to no end. but every persons body is different and what works for you may not work for others. im really happy its working out for you. honest. and i hope u find urself a girl who meets all ur expectations.April 22, 2011 1:16 am at 1:16 am #906672TikkunHatzotMember
fedex11204 – I agree with the last part; you should be able to expect the same in your spouse in areas that you work hard in.
However, with the first part, what IF the weight did come from a lack of discipline & irresponsibility? How would that be any worse than guys having poor middos due to a lack of discipline & being irresponsible?
ILoveTheHolyLand – I think that the point is proven that not everyone has the same priorities. It’s just that simple. However, my rabbi says that “Every pot has it’s lid”. I believe him, therefore I don’t get stressed out.
You have no idea how much I ‘used’ to wish that I came from a Torah-observant upbringing & a family with million$ of dollar$ (to me, that’s what it seems that most of the women that I’ve met are after).
But I found that it’s all a blessing, since I now have a greater appreciation for baal teshuvas…most people have no idea how many struggles that they go through; they get hardship from both the non-religious & the religious crowds, plus the many internal struggles. But now that I’ve been through it, I am one that can help them, since I’m familiar with how it feels.
And since I wasn’t raised with much money…well, it’s a blessing that most people wish they could understand.
Either way, I’m confident that H-shem has created my wife as someone that will find all of this as qualities in me & not count them as defieciencies.April 22, 2011 1:35 am at 1:35 am #906673SacrilegeMember
If you really did have a thyroid problem you would be more understanding and sensitive to others…. I’m going to take the liberty of not believing you.
(p.s. I dont have a thyroid problem, I am just butting in to other poster’s business)April 22, 2011 2:56 am at 2:56 am #906674
yeshivaguy1 – are u being sarcastic?April 22, 2011 4:01 am at 4:01 am #906675mischiefmakerMember
I can’t even read this whole thread I’m so horrified by some people here. Some fat girls try so hard to loose weight but their bodies are just stubborn and they work really hard at it. And for those mocking B.Y. girls-you have a lot to learn. Stop judging and catagorizing people. Everyone is different and not all B.Y. girls are the same. You have a lot to learn in life-pretty pathetic.April 22, 2011 8:10 am at 8:10 am #906676
30 miles a week that is pretty impressive. I am doing 3.8 miles 6 times a week but I’m not quite by 30 ( though I am doing some pretty intense hills I guess that counts for something).
Rule of thumb- when you see quotes around better think sarcasm.
mischiefmaker- coming from a bais yaakov highschool student. Now I am not saying I don’t have a lot to learn in life but how would you know anything about it. Now I am not blasting the entire bais yaakov movement. I am talking in particular about the very frum seminaries in Israel. It is the time of the year when I am starting to see the glazed look in the eyes as they are coming down with an acute case of seminaritis. This will last for about a year until real life hits them in the face. There is a reason many of my friends won’t date a girl straight out of seminary. I guess I was being a little cynical about that.
I don’t care about what highschool a girl goes to. It is what seminary they go to that really matters. It shows what kind of girl she really is. Yes there are many types of girls but to me it is different shades of black (which is all they wear, BTW, don’t they ever get hot.) everyone has their own personal preferences and I really don’t want that.April 22, 2011 2:43 pm at 2:43 pm #906677
Everyone is different and not all B.Y. girls are the same.
Of course they are all the same. The whole purpose of BY is to make them all the same.
That is why they must all wear the exact same clothes. Uniforms are to make people uniform.April 22, 2011 3:08 pm at 3:08 pm #906678kjMember
i was what you call a size minus two, it was part of my genes to be extremely thin. when it came to shidduchim ppl jumped to conclusions as to why as am thin…anorexic etc. I dont understand, if this is what boys are looking for, or more like theyre parents are looking for, when you finaly found this “model figure” you conclude that she is anorexic. we are not going to mention this is real lashon hara, to undermine a girls chances in shidduchim by concluding that she must be anorexic if she is so thin. what has this world come to???
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