E120

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: Working boys and shidduchim #1469674
    E120
    Participant

    “It feels so hard when everyone’s talking in learning, and it’s basically all above your head. Seeing people quote gemaras in their sleep etc…It all feels so overwhelming.”
    I’m a BT, so I know the feeling, but it’s a great opportunity to work on anivus. I try to have the attitude that it’s not embarrassing to ask questions, it’s embarrassing if you could know something but you don’t because you were ashamed to ask. Nobody has a right to look down on you for asking—your learning is just as valuable as theirs and if they worked on their anivus they would realize that.
    As a girl in shidduchim I want my husband to enjoy learning, 1. for his own sake, because he needs to learn and I don’t want him to be unhappy, and 2. because children learn from what we do much more than what we say, and if they can tell we dislike something or see it as a chore they will too. I’ve also been taught that to have the father learning (I don’t mean full time, but for a little while every day) elevates the atmosphere of the home. It doesn’t matter to me what topic he learns, or how (shiur, by himself, b’chavrusa), but I want it to be important to him and for him to feel positive about it.
    Of course you can date in your car if it’s clean.
    I am looking for a working boy, but I don’t know if it’s shayach because I’m probably more modern than you and also I’m bit older. Anyway, the same way you’re looking for an out-of-town type girl there will be out-of-town girls (or in-town girls who don’t fit the in-town stereotype) looking for a boy like you. There are girls who think staying out of debt is more important than impressing people. There are girls who won’t be embarrassed to say “my husband’s not in kollel”. I don’t know that shidduchim will go easy for you, because it’s in Hashem’s hands, but if it’s not easy it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you.

    in reply to: Bochur not getting dates #1441801
    E120
    Participant

    RebYidd23: By “very beautiful and a professional” I meant “looks like a model and has a career as a PA”. If you think the only alternative to that is “ugly and jobless”, instead of average-looking and with a lower-paying job, that’s your problem.
    Joseph: Of course girls should work on their priorities and plan to contribute to their marriages, I never said they shouldn’t. I said girls may be put off if a boy has a lot of expectations for them and not for himself.
    Shopping613: I hope to work at most part-time when my kids are young. IMO a lot of the substance abuse and OTD problems we have now are caused by kids feeling lost and unwanted because both their parents were working full time and expected schools/camps to “raise” them.
    moshearyeh45: I was just suggesting it as a possibility, but it sounds like that’s not your issue. As for the problem of being set up, I hear. I’m a BT so my family can’t help, and shadchanim never seem to have time. Apart from keeping in touch to remind the shadchanim you exist, you can ask married friends if their wives know any girls. If the wives of any of your Rebbeim teach girls, they may know someone. If you daven at a shul that’s your hashkafa the Rav should know which families in his community have girls in shidduchim. Being invited out to Shabbos meals is a good way for more families to meet you so they can have you in mind if they hear of someone shayach. It can be uncomfortable to announce “I’m in shidduchim and this is what I’m looking for” to someone you just met, but without family help we have to do more hishtadlus.

    in reply to: Bochur not getting dates #1441489
    E120
    Participant

    What are your priorities in getting married? I see many boys who are very vague about what they can contribute to a marriage, but will clearly state that they want a wife who is very beautiful/fashionable and has a professional career (ie. will support them). Shadchanim may not have girls who are interested in a boy like that. I don’t know you and this may not be your situation at all, I’m just suggesting a potential reason why you’re not being redt.

    in reply to: Is it acceptable to go for a walk on the 1st date? #1424701
    E120
    Participant

    I’m female and in shidduchim. I’ve been on a walk as a first date and was fine with it, but here are some tips:
    1. Don’t go if it’s very cold.
    2. If you want to go on a walk, tell her that’s the plan before the date so she knows to wear flats instead of heels.
    3. Check in the day of the date to make sure she’s still ok with it—like “funnybone” says, she may have had a long day and be too tired.
    4. Always offer to stop and buy a drink. You can go into a Duane Reade and buy a soda/water/seltzer. It only takes a few minutes and shows you’re aware of the fact that she’s probably thirsty after walking for a while.

    E120
    Participant

    Hillary would have been like four more years of Obama. Terrible for Israel. Terrible for religious freedom. Trump has a lot of problems but he’s not as bad.

    E120
    Participant

    As a male, I don’t think you have to worry about your parents not having money. It’s unfortunately become the norm that the girl’s family is expected to offer support, and the girl is expected to work (even as she has children, who she’s supposed to immediately send to day care so she can continue working). My advice would be to wait until you’re only a year from finishing your degree before you start dating, so you can start being the main source of support soon after marriage.
    As for being rejected for being a BT/having non-religious family, there’s nothing you can do about that. The right girl for you won’t be concerned about it, and anyway you wouldn’t want to marry someone who judged you for things you can’t control.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)