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ZD, American Bison are closely related to European Bison.
Both.
Yes, but not on Shabbos or Yom Tov.
Why make things unnecessarily difficult?
What’s the score now?
15-2
The bottle was placed in position. Crack! The passenger hit it, and it disappeared in fragments into the sea.
Try wearing a full helmet.
How do we know what they talk about? It is possible they speak nothing but cursing and gossip.
“What are you doing, Marjory?”
“I’se writing a letter to Lily Smif.”
“But, darling, you don’t know how to write.”
“That’s no diff’ence, mamma; Lily don’t know how to read.”
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop’s owner. He arrived.
“Please, I’ve broken your window,” he said, “and father’s come to mend it.”
Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said:
“That’ll be three shillings, mum.”
“Three shillings!” gasped the woman. “But your son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop. You’re his father, aren’t you?”
The man shook his head.
“Never seen him before,” he said. “He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended. You’re his mother, aren’t you?”
And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.
It isn’t too young. Some babies enjoy the pictures and the sound of your voice even if they can’t understand the words.
Probably all she wants is a fistful of your hair or beard.
Small Boy (walking round links with his father): “Daddy, here’s a ball for you.”
Father: “Where did you get that from?”
Small Boy: “It’s a lost ball, Daddy.”
Father: “Are you sure it’s a lost ball?”
Small Boy: “Yes, Daddy; they’re still looking for it.”
Too soon.
The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.
“I’ve had a terrible misfortune,” he announced. “My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces.”
“Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read,” said the critic.
At 33 decades he is quite old.
What kind of dog?
It is true that some dogs fight with or chase cats. But there are other dogs and cats that will not fight. Dogs also fight other dogs and cats fight other cats. While dog-cat conflict is not unheard of, most dogs and cats have better things to do with their time.
There is a difference between browsing a store with no intention of making a purchase at any time and browsing the store to decide whether to make a purchase.
The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel’s tent, and was permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:
“Colonel, I’ve come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for a visit home. I’ve been in the field now three years, an’ never home yet to see me family. An’ I jest had a letter from me wife wantin’ av me to come home to see her an’ the children.”
The colonel shook his head decisively.
“No, Mike,” he replied. “I’m sorry, but to tell the truth, I don’t think you ought to go home. I’ve jest had a letter from your wife myself. She doesn’t want you to come home. She writes me that you’d only get drunk, and disgrace her and the children. So you’d better stay right here until your term of service expires.”
“All right, sir,” Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He[Pg 143] saluted and went to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.
“Colonel dear,” he inquired in a wheedling voice, “would ye be after pardonin’ me for a brief remark jist at this toime?”
“Yes, certainly,” the officer assented.
“Ye won’t git mad an’ put me in the guard house for freein’ me mind, so to spake?”
“No, indeed! Say what you wish to.”
I triple checked my facts. As a parent, you are probably also biased.
“Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn’t go back to school without doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin’ keg of bere, which I could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an answer. I don’t know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in doing it.
Elsie: “When is my birthday, Mother?”
Her Mother: “On the thirty-first of this month, dear.”
Elsie: “Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?”
Exams make it easier for the yeshivah. So the yeshivah is biased. I am not a parent of a child in a yeshivah. I simply stated a fact.
The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist’s chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand:
“Now, Letty, if you cry, I’ll never take you to the dentist’s again.”
The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-room:
“Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?”
[Pg 202]
Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The inventor of the puzzle beamed.
“The answer,” he said, “is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk.”
“Yes,” the company agreed. “But how does it jump as high as the Woolworth Building?”
“The Woolworth Building,” the humorist explained, “can’t jump.”
The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as follows:
“Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life.”
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
“How do you like your new little brother?” she asked the child teasingly.
The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:
“He looks just like his muvver.”
The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.
“The flood?” The tone was polite, but inquiring.
The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:
“Hain’t read to-day’s paper yit.”
The successful financier snorted contemptuously.
“Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money.”
“But only one honest way,” a listener declared.
“What way is that?” the financier demanded.
“Naturally, you wouldn’t know,” was the answer.
The baby pulled brother’s hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy:
“Of course, she doesn’t know how badly it hurts.” Then she left the room.
She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.
“What in the world is the matter with her?” she questioned anxiously.
“Nothin’ ‘tall,” brother replied contentedly. “Only now she knows.”
The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:
“It is only to me that such misfortunes happen.”
“What’s the matter now?”
The pessimist answered dolefully:
“Don’t you see that it is raining?”
Patient: “No; it says on the label, ‘Keep the bottle tightly corked.'”
Mother: “Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can’t you agree once in a while?”
Georgia: “We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I.”
An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions. He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers until he felt a touch on his arm. “What is it?” he said impatiently. “I’m so sorry to trouble you,” said a voice behind, “and I know I oughtn’t to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can’t help it. I thought perhaps you ought to know Annie’s gone.”
“Lend me ten, Tom.”
“I think not.”
“You won’t?”
“I won’t.”
“You’ve no doubt of my character, have you?”
“I haven’t.”
“Well, why won’t you, then?”
“Because I have no doubt of your character.”
Doctor: No, I’m sorry; I simply can’t do anything for that.
While calling something stupid is not a good argument, if something is very stupid it may not require an argument.
It’s called Amazon Mom. So it’s a violation of lo yilbash to join.
That’s assuming one is male.
“Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?” asked one man of his friend.
“Sure,” was the answer. “Did you think it would go through?”
Officer (to sailor who has rescued him from drowning): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.
Sailor: Don’t do that, sir, they’ll half kill me!
Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.
“Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?” asked Pat. “He has just won a gold medal in a foot race.”
“Bedad,” replied Mike. “Sure, an’ thot’s foine. But did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?”
“I don’t remember,” replied Pat.
“Well,” said Mike, “he’s got a gold medal for five miles, an’ one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an’ badges for boxing an’ rowing!”
“Begorra,” said Pat, “he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!”
Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
“If you were to say to me, ‘You was here yesterday,’ would that be right?”
“No, sir,” was the reply.
“And why not?”
“Please, sir, because you wasn’t.”
Young Husband: “It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake.”
The Bride (smiling triumphantly): “That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it’s perfectly delicious.”
New Butler: “At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?”
Profiteer: “What time do the best people dine?”
New Butler: “At different times, Sir.”
Profiteer: “Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times.”
Lady: “I’ve just been making my side ache over your latest book.”
Author (delighted): “Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?”
Lady: “Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it.”
The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:
“I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money.”
“You are excused,” the judge announced in a very cold voice. “I don’t want anybody on the jury who can lie like you.”