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  • in reply to: The Webberman Verdict #923096

    I have no idea if he is guilty or not, but I do know 2 things:

    1- You cannot believe everything in the media. So if you read about certain aspects of the court case, don’t be too sure that you got the whole story.

    2- Just because someone is convicted in a court of law, it does NOT mean he is guilty. There are have been hundreds of false convictions (of which some were later overturned) in the history of our justice system.

    So don’t rant either way about a case you know nothing about (even if you think you do).

    in reply to: When your spouse gets "OUTED" #889072

    BusterCrown: Having been in a similar situation about a year ago, I really feel for you and wish I could be there to give you the chizuk that I so desperately needed when I was in that position. B”H, things on my end have vastly improved, so you should know that there IS hope (although obviously every situation is different). If you are interested, and the mods allow it, I would love to be in contact with you via e-mail (so it can remain anonymous) so that I could share my experience with you. In any case, wishing you much hatzlocha and strength in this nisayon…

    in reply to: How much do u pay your cleaning woman? #739721

    bpt – i totally predicted your response!

    in reply to: A positive Shalom Bayis Thread! #753225

    tt- thanks for the encouragement. I actually wanted to show all the scared singles out there (or marrieds who are going through difficult times) that you CAN make a marriage work even when there are issues. (I’m not saying every marriage is like that – it depends on the couple – they BOTH have to be willing to work at it…)

    but i could always use more tips. i don’t always feel like i have the cochmas noshim… why are there so few responses?!?

    in reply to: A positive Shalom Bayis Thread! #753221

    Like some of the above posters said, marriage is wonderful but takes a lot of work. Some tips I found helpful:

    **Focus on the good middos and actions of your spouse. When your spouse does something that frustrates/bothers you, think of those good aspects and feel proud (if you need to internalize better – write it down for yourself).

    **If there’s something stressful going on that is getting you both down, do something out of the ordinary to lighten the mood. For example, once at a stressful time in our lives, I made a big heart chocolate chip cookie and put it on the table. I then put a sign on the inside door “Happy Birthday”. A little further in – I put another sign to the effect of “So what if it’s not your birthday?!? Is that any less of a reason to celebrate?” It lightened the mood and we were then calmly able to discuss the stressful issue while feeling very good about each other.

    **If you get upset or frustrated with your spouse, do something special for him/her. When you give to another person, it increases your good feelings for them (and of course, their good feelings for you)!

    **Compliment often and express your appreciation often. Both of you put a lot into running your home (housework, parnossoh, cooking, learning torah, taking care of kids, etc.) and everyone deserves to be appreciated.

    **Daven for siyata d’shmaya to treat your spouse with the love and respect he/she deserves. Also, daven for your spouse’s success in all areas (parnossoh, learning, spiritual growth…).

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis in our community #740373

    aries – “Bochur, you have a very good point. It is NOT an addiction, obviously they CAN live without it and will not go through withdrawal without it. It is a person who is not in control of his/her yetzer horah. And you can’t fault someone else for that.”

    Like 1 day at a time said, you obviously don’t know anything about this kind of addiction. Since I put on a white-list filter on my internet (so as NOT to enable his addiction), he has experienced withdrawal.Yes, it’s getting better, but it was bad. point being – it IS an addiction. and an addiction IS someone who is not in control like you said. and no, you can’t fault someone else for the addiction but you may (and i didn’t say you should) fault someone for feeding the addiction. i.e. putting an alcoholic beverage in front of an alcoholic. of course. u didn’t cuase the person to be an alcoholic, but u did make things worse…

    my take – i have no idea why women get defensive. either they are not comfortable enough with themselves that they feel a need to dress the way they do and/or they are not completely aware of how men tick. everyone else- let me clarify – i’m not saying that it’s the woman’s fault that the men look, but it may be their fault if the man looks again.

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis in our community #740370

    ok. been at work and i’m somewhat back so i’ll try to respond to whatever i could.

    eclipse – i’m sorry i hit a raw nerve – i hope you are moichel me.

    aries – a-i’m not saying my husband is not at all at fault, nor am i blaming other women. obviously, he should have gotten help before we got married, but what does it help me to harp on that? will that help my shalom bayis? will that solve his problem now? besides, as one day at a time said, he didn’t realize he had a problem. also, many men with this addiction apparently mistakenly believe that marriage will cure their addiction. and he didn’t tell me until now, because he (again mistakenly) believed he could cure himself and i would never have to know about it. and no, i’m not blaming women for the way they dress, but i think if they would realize what they are doing when they dress that way, they might think again.

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis in our community #740331

    mytake – I think we’re on the same page… on everything u said so far.

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis in our community #740327

    eclipse – I’m so sorry you had that experience. But again – what point are you trying to make?

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis in our community #740321

    bachur24 – I know that many men look at other women not because of an addiction and that it’s a normal yetzer hara. you obviously didn’t read my entire post. do i need to spell out what kind of computer addiction he has?!? and yes, my husband is an addict – he told me himself…

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis in our community #740319

    eclipse – sorry if I’m being slow – what point are you trying to make? and what did they fault you for – his addiction or the lack of shalom bayis?

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis in our community #740317

    1 day at a time: thanks for the encouragement. you sound like u talk from experience. but what does tfs stand for?

    health: ur right, BUT internet IS doubly bad because if used in the wrong way, it can affect everything else. for example, because my husband looked at these things, he felt horribly about himself and it held him back from learning and growing spiritually. until he stood up to it and admitted to me he had a problem, he was spiraling downward in a lot of ways…

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis in our community #740311

    So I’ve been checking out this thread with interest and finally decided to share. I am your pretty typical BY graduate, went to what is considered the top seminary in E”Y, and went on to marry a ben torah who would be going to college for the purpose of eventually making a parnossah. (My parents were unable to “support”, nor would I have wanted them to.) Eventually, after 2 years (and 2 children), that time came and my husband

    B”H found a good job. My husband is a really special person; kind, giving, honest, well-liked, hard working, etc. We have a very good relationship, always looking out for each other. Sounds great, no?

    Yes. And no. After 5 years of being married, I found out that my husband has an addiction. A bad one. All along, I had this niggling feeling that all was not right, but I couldn’t place my finger on it, nor did I dream what it could be. Baruch Hashem, I was given the strength to deal with this (though it’s often very, very hard knowing my husband could have done these things) and my husband has agreed to seek help. But he’s done this for so long (since before we were married) that yes, when he sees other women, he does wonder why I don’t dress like that. It does bother him that I’m no longer skinny. How could it not?

    My point is, I’ve learned a lot from my situation. Some of the things I’ve learned:

    A- Yes, it is a man’s job to guard his eyes. But the women also have to be careful to dress in a way that doesn’t cause a man who mistakenly looks to look again.

    B- Also, there are men out there who will look, whether it’s because they are bad or because they have an addiction. Why do you (the women) have to make things worse for their marriage?

    C- An addiction does not always start as a real choice. For example, in my husband’s case, he heard some kids talking in high school and out of curiosity went to the internet to check things out. From there, it was all over.

    D- If you have internet in your home – a mediocre filter will NOT do the trick. Make sure you know what every child (and adult) is doing online. This is crucial to prevent viewing things mistakenly which could cause major issues.

    Just as an aside, a relative of my husband’s is very good with computers and does everything on the computer (business, learning, etc.) When I mentioned that if I could, I would throw the computer out of my house due to the waste of time that it causes, (and due to my husband’s addiction – but I wasn’t about to tell him that…) he very strongly disagreed. Sometimes I wonder – if he would only know, would he still respond in the same way?!? He admires my husband so much; if he would know what he was really doing, what would he think then?!?

    May Hashem grant us all the strength to do the right thing. Sorry for this long post. I hope it shed some light on the matter.

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