Forum Replies Created
July 25, 2012 1:45 am at 1:45 am in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #888499
There has been something bothering me for a while. I have a few single friends that I have set up on numerous occasions with different girls. I am talking about setting up over fifteen matches in the past year.
A common occurrence that I am hearing pretty often, is the guy comes back from the date and says “the girl was to quite”. I speak to the girl/mother/friend and get always hear “yeah, she’s quite at first but will eventually open up.” One mother just to told me “My daughter has so many other ma’alos.(which, in fact, she does!) Why are boys so into personality?”
This really bothers me! You’re twenty six, you didn’t have a date in five months- maybe chat the guy up a bit?!?!
If its not your “personality”, maybe change a drop?! I would much rather convince the guy that the girl isn’t such a chatter box, than hand-twist him into giving it another shot when the date was a dud!
I am aiming this complaint specifically at girls, since unfortunately they are having the harder time at getting dates. If it hasn’t been working (as in the past seven years), risk it! Move out of your comfort zone!
The first girl I dated I walked to the door. She in no uncertain terms told me to stay in the car! Next girl (a few dates later) asked me if I “was a stalker”. That cured me and over all changed my perspective. I would feel funny if someone leaped to open doors for me and followed me to my door! The average (bais yakov) girl probably feels the same. I did get a few questions throughout my dating career if i didnt open doors beshitah to which i would answer “no, I just want you to be comfortable”. I found that girls responded realy well to that and would launch into dating storys about the guy that grabbed their coat… Guys, do whatever feels natural. Most importantly, pay attention to what your date is saying, show a litle empathy and understanding. for example, if you pick her up right after work or school then get her something to eat (nothing fancy. just food!). Just be an overall mentsch and dont worry about the dating rules. and girls, leave the guys alone! Yeah, the average yeshiva guy willl NOT be suave and slick!
From the standpoint of the one going to the shadchan, you should absolutley pay the fee. Hopefuly and in all probability the shadchan will take on your case seriously, work hard on your behalf, return phone calls, etc. The fact is shadchanim are over worked and totaly underappreciated. They can work for HOURS stretched out over weeks to get a couple to go out just to get a “it’s not for me” (which by the way, is fine) my point is that its a lot of work without any certain payoff. Most shadchanim – as in the vast majority – are hard working, well meaning overtaxed people. Give them a break and pay the small fee. Or at least a token of appreciation when they do set you up. I did that consistently and it did wonders for my relationship with the shadchanim. As a matter of fact, I still keep in touch with a bunch of them!
I have a wii which i use for exercise. The gaming platform doesnt have a great graphics card and does not play dvds like the ps3 and xbox so i guess its easier to control